I remember how it was like, all my memories rushing back at me in an instant; so dramatic, foggy, difficult to make out, but still there to acknowledge its existence. You can't deny such a case, a sudden corkscrew twisting my insides I never expected in the beginning.
This wasn't something that happens over night. Heavens no! It's a process, obscure as a bleak whirl, ultimately leading to utter chaos in its pattern. When it's all over, you forgot how it began. In fact, you didn't even recognize that it already started – having a mind of its own, it decided for itself. Better yet, it happened anyway, becoming so exhausting I blame others for it.
My mother, I blame you.
Friends and family, I blame you.
All my lovely fans, I blame you too.
Random strangers on the street, I blame you as well.
I refuse to blame myself for this, because hey! – I'm the victim here! Don't give me that look, you know it's true. It's not my fault what I've become. You don't know anything so don't judge me.
Very well – I'll tell you, straight here and out my standpoint, and you'll realize my reality. I'm completely blameless.
Let's rewind, shall we?
--
Age: 6
It was a sweet Sunday morning, I so carefree in its limelight. So content, mystified by several lovely flowers I had gathered before me. Gazing at their flourishing shades emphasized through my eyes, it made my sight feel funny and weird.
The gentle petals of pale daisies, fancy manners of a rose, the tranquil nature of lilacs, I love them all! A darling wonderment for myself, each collaborating into a perfect set I shall never replace. So simple, yet so mesmerizing.
And the smells, so luxurious and tender to the nose, like a delicate lullaby for a child. Granting a whiff of comfort, I rejoiced the peaceful moment.
This is such a great creation. This is God's creation. I'm so happy!
"Here Cheese, take one. It's a gift," I offered my little chao, handing him a daisy. He smiled with glee as he accepted, two puffy paws reaching out. It's so adorable.
Overhearing my mother from across the yard, she was talking to a lady-friend, the two settled in chairs as they observed me play in the garden.
"Isn't she just a doll?"
"I know! What a sweet little girl you have there," her companion agreed.
"Yep! That's Cream for you – just a little girl."
--
Age: 7
We were present at a studio, me and my mother, makeup being powdered on my face that made me cringe and sneeze a lot. I was making my first appearance in an upcoming video game, something I've never experienced before. Regardless, it's exciting! I can hardly wait!
Headlights on my left, another on my right, it illuminated my viewpoint, eyelids squinting to see clearly. My mother arrived, blocking the intense heat and vision becoming blurry.
"You sure you wanna do this?" she asked.
I let out a grin. "Of course I do! It's gonna be fun!"
She nodded, noting my joyous expression. "Alright then."
Twisting my head around, I noticed a man entering, neatly cut in a business suit and sunglasses masking his eyes. He smelled funny – I don't like him.
"You cannot believe the fans' reaction. The appearance of Cream the rabbit! Oh man! She's gonna be huge, I tell ya!"
My mother approached him. "I see, but I'm still rather nervous about her going so far from home at such a young age. It's like she's entering the real world, and yet I'm still fearful. Most people don't do that until they leave high school," she addressed, angling her head up since she was shorter than the man.
He brushed it off. "Nonsense! Trust me when I say she'll be fine!"
"Don't worry mommy," I remarked, the two adults glancing at me. "Mr. Sonic says he'll protect me, so please, don't be worried. Everything will be just fine," I commented with every once of sweetness to my voice.
My mother slightly chuckled. "You're so cute! Okay, why not? Do what you want honey, and I'll be there for you. I trust you."
"Thankies mommy!" I cheered. "Cheese can come too, right?"
"Yep! You bet!"
We both hugged one another, mentally preparing ourselves for the long trip ahead of us.
"Now, just promise me one thing – you won't lose yourself, okay?"
"Now, why would I ever do that?"
--
Age: 8
This is amazing! I've become famous, events happening so quickly, rushing at me of notions I used to merely fantasized. But now they're right in my face, the dream awakened and alive.
Kids look up to me as a role-model, admiration building up confidence. I get fan-mail everyday, telling me how much I'm loved and who couldn't agree? Who wouldn't love me?
Is this what it's like being on top of the world?
--
Age: 13
It's been so many years since my fame began – so many games placed in, fans growing more each day. Surely it's exhilarating, but I ponder about this experience sometimes. My whole life, actually.
Sometimes it's overwhelming. I feel stalked, no sense of privacy, people observing my every move, every stone I step on, every breath I take. It's aggravating, and yet, I fail to escape from it. I'll just have to live with like I always have. Easy as that, right?
Although I sense something within me stirring up, explosive, breeching out to be unleashed. I don't know how to do so, leaving me anxious.
Changes have been noticed about me throughout the years, my body forming somewhat bizarre. It's more curved than before, feminine, like a grown-up's. I'm not certain when it happened. There are days I felt it was gradual, while other times when I'm ignorant, it's astonishing. It's like I said 'hey' and it said 'poof' and there it was – changed.
My mom claims it's normal. I can't see how it is, I mean – certain occurrences happen once a month for me, which isn't average at all. It's embarrassing. What with that? My attitude has surely changed too, less optimistic than before. And what's with these boys? I used to think they were icky, but now I feel rather weird around them. Attracted to them.
I'm confused and exhausted, feeling the need to go to bed.
Sleep. That's what I need. Just close my eyes and relax. Everything's going to be okay. All I need to do is take a simple rest. I'll be fine in the morning.
--
Age: 14
I did something so awful, so sinful, unclean and disgusting. I wanted to do it though, just because I can, but now I'm filled with so much regret I can puke. Just swallow my own spit, let the mucus sooth your throat and wait until my tongue turns dry. That waste time, enough to forget my mistakes.
It's arduous to reject though. People are furious about my actions, at an uproar and demand normalcy. I'm not being me, tracing so far from it, crossing the line. I need to mend this.
It began when I decided to post up some pictures on the internet, a different side I wanted to convey, a more erotic visage. Revealing a more adult expression of Cream, I wanted them to see an alternate interpretation underneath the naïve façade. I'm not that anymore; at least I believed I wasn't. Hoping others would accept it, taking a chance, but to my misfortunate, that wasn't the case.
Now I'm ashamed. Why did I do that? It was wrong! Got it? Wrong, wrong, wrong!
I arrived onto a sea of people, my fan-base, complaining about my prior choices. They're disappointed, seeing me as a role-model and all, but this isn't the Cream they know to love.
"People, please, I'm sorry!" I called out to them. "I've done something so horrible and who am I, portraying myself in that light. How could I? I apologize for it. Please, forgive me!"
The mass calmed down.
"It won't happen again. I promise you."
Hopefully, I'll keep that promise.
Cream the rabbit can't do that kind of stuff. She supposed to behave innocent and young, with no questions and concerns. Cream's just a little girl and always will be.
I'm just a little girl.
--
Age: 15
Cheese had died today, unexpected and random. It was during an early winter morning, chilly and frigid due to the snow. So, I spent the rest of the day staring at his dead carcass, his body that knits together an essence through my own being.
Somehow, I feel like there's more to it than just a pet dying. A part of me has been thrown away too.
Can I get it back, please?
--
Age: 16
The world can be scary sometimes. It can pull you into all sorts of directions beyond your wildest knowledge. You're drawn to a path in which you've been driven by – no turning back. I guess you can assume I believe in fate in a way.
In other news about my life, I got a new car! A nice, shiny one, expensive and better than yours and it's all mine. I can run far, far away from here, leaving the world behind me and never turning back. You can't control me, finally being free for once.
--
Age: 17
This has become ridiculous! I despise my mother so much. All that love and care I've yearned for now wasted and rotted. Ever since that day we decided on how I'll venture my life, but look at me now mom. Don't you hate me too?
Who cares, she can't control me. I'm better than her.
She's not a mother. She's an instructor, an authority figure just like every other adult in this world. It's sickening, isn't it?
Something's lacking, something parental.
Go away!
--
Age: 18
Hot damn! I'm the shit now bitches and this here's the life!
Thanks for the drink. Who needs rules anyway! Boundaries just keeps us chained, morality is pure hilarity, and why worry so much when you can dance. Dance to the left, right, all around until you can float.
I'm rich, famous, on top of the world! I can do whatever I want. Everything I've lived through, I did that through my own strength and deserve to be rewarded. That was me; not anyone else. I'm so fabulous!
My arena, the atmosphere I've grown attached to this year. Nocturnal and never at rest, life has become a dance-floor, and holds that definition to its finest. Wear skimpy clothes, skin-tight, grab a couple of drinks and kiss every boy in the place. It's addicting, yet so enlightening, as if my soul was made of pure adrenaline itself. That's just it.
Music pounded the ear drum in a heavy heartbeat, loud enough for ghosts to hear. Breathing in and exhaling, I tasted the sweat and liquor in my mouth.
Set in between two guys, I was so dazed I couldn't even interpret their faces. Groping my waist, we tumbled onto a table where many more of our kind acted as well. Taking a long glimpse at the stripper pole, I emerge from my fallen position and give the boys a wild amusement, eyes dazzled, whistling to show their appreciation. It's not like I tried, more as a tool for them more than anything, yet I'm just insane that way, Crazy! Just look at me!
I crave that attention, being in that spotlight more than anything. What will happen then, if I'm not, huh? I'll be forgotten? Washed up? Never! This is my prime. Deal with it.
Invincible! That's what I am! No one can stop me now. You think you can? Hell no! I've got my pride, my great escape. Fame, money, something the little people don't have. Don't even try to judge me.
I've gone beyond my limits. Ha! Who needs 'em anyway? Just take the boys home and have an exciting night with them. This here isn't sin, it's life. I need it.
--
Age: 19
So many nights at the club, the excuses I've made, but I fear I'm running out. They're becoming useless; now I can't get out of anything. I'm caged, reasoning taken over and trading in my sanity for this. It's a price I have to pay.
Very well. Another drink please! Who cares, really? I hate boredom.
You take a wide-scale look and maybe you'll see a sequence. Maybe. Perhaps it's butchered, collided together for you to ever consider such a manner, an indifferent attitude and an unclear language. It's hard to look hard enough, to uncover truth.
When it all crashes back on me, I fall through an endless pit, no knowledge of ever landing and reaching up. Unbearable, pulled down by gravity in a constant motion until I start choking on my own spit. No wings to fly, no hand to hold, completely isolated and descending until appearing dead. Then I realize – I've been there the whole time.
Let's go for a ride, cruise through the city a bit.
I want to picture a different scenario. I feel sick.
Days when I'm insane, invincible, everything rushes through me as fluid in a needle, flooding into each sector of my body. I clench onto the wheel, begging for more of it. Push harder on the acceleration, so I'll know what it's like to be lightning, almighty energy beyond my own sake. It tastes so electrifying, craving more of it, increased to capacity. I can't think, forgetting how to years ago. I hear a click and I'm suddenly blind, unaware of what's ahead of me.
Wake up! Wake up! Don't give in. Break through. Try to break through. I need to save myself. Not anyone else but me.
Then I observe an absurd light, irritating by nature. Instead of leaving it be, I approach it due to fascination, like how those flowers were when I was younger. Yes, I want to go back to it.
One second, I crash, another second, explosives heard from miles away.
It's all too surreal, just a mere dream.
I open my eyes and discover my reality. Air short, heart collapsed and brain disfigured. I've been living it this whole time. I've been nothing inside.
--
Age: who cares?
See, what did I tell you?
This wasn't my fault, people created their own monster. I was just their pawn.
I'm blameless, because you know – Cream's just a little girl.