Gasp! My first IZ slash! For that matter, my first IZ fic that's not in
the Vindication series...thingy. Ah, Zim/Dib, what an adorable couple. So
cute together. But anyone who's read my other stuff will know, I am almost
totally incapable of writing anything that isn't filled with angst and
pain. Lots and lots of pain. If you're not in the mood for it, or you just
don't like sad endings, turn back now, cause it probably doesn't get much
worse than this. Bring the pain!!!
Slash disclaimer: Again, this is Zim and Dib love here people! You can't deal, don't read. As the Almighty Thinnest Jhonen Vasquez says "I hope your minds are developed enough to take no offense at these things. If not, well, I'm better than you, aren't I?" And apologies to Jhonen Vasquez. But after reading the transcript of the RevSF chat, I figure, he's probably the kinda guy who would have told people to stop writing it if he really wanted them to. I mean, look at the stuff he says about the skateboard companies? If he wants to say "Stop writing slash with my toon-babies, you perv," then I'll be happy to oblige.
Disclaimer (Don'tcha love these?): Invader Zim belongs to the Almighty Thinnest Jhonen Vasquez, and his army of doom-sporks, and the sentient dust- bunnies at Nickelodeon. Aw, aren't they cute? I do this only out of the deepest respect for the characters and the great, great mind that created them. I mean it. Vasquez, if you're reading...damn you're a genius.
Additional Disclaimer: 'It's Been a While' is by Staind, from the album 'Break the Cycle'. Sorry, I don't have the copyright information, don't sue me please. If you haven't heard this song yet, you MUST! It's absolutely beautiful, and so very angsty. Yum...angst.
Any reviews you give to me will pleeeee-ase Pustulio! Flames will be treated with the same loving care you would expect from Nny. Any survivors (yea', right) will be fed to my pet Velociraptor.
___________
It's Been A While
___________
-It's been a while
Since I could
Hold my head up high...-
He knew not when it happened. It began, as most things did, with his pride. Pride that was gone now, dead as the one who killed it.
He sat in the darkness of night, staring blindly at the city spread out below the hill. Light from myriad streetlamps and insomniacs' windows played across his face, even at such a distance, revealing green skin that was several shades paler than healthy. Red eyes, dulled by pain, reflected the stars. Shoulders slumped slightly, weary beyond flesh.
-It's been a while
Since I first saw you-
"I remember that first day..." his voice was hoarse, though whether from emotion or simple disuse it was impossible to say.
"A new hope, a new mission, the chance to prove myself worthy of the privilege of life. To gain the respect I'd longed for. You ruined it all, you know. I would have had everything I wanted and more." An old anger flashed through his eyes, momentarily bringing life, then dying back to leave them that much closer to empty.
-It's been a while
Since I could stand
on my own two feet again-
The footsteps didn't even rouse his attention, further proof of his mental condition. She was behind him before he realized it. If she didn't have other plans for him, he might have already been dead. He finally noticed her, threw an indifferent glance over his shoulder, and then turned back to his city gazing. They stood there in silence, watching the streets below, her violet hair and his sleek antennae shining in the starlight.
-And it's been a while
since I could call you-
"You took him from me." It was more a statement of truth than an accusation.
A pained smile crossed his lips. "Yes. I suppose I did."
The self-loathing in his tone did not escape her notice, but neither did it matter. His guilt was confirmed. So why could she not act?
-And everything I can remember
as fucked up as it all may seem
Consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means-
"You know what I've come for." He knew all too well. They were both after the same thing. One means to two different ends.
He waited for the inevitable, and still she hesitated. Finally he turned, confusion animating his features for the first time that night, and met unflinching amber eyes. An attempt to break that stone gaze proved futile, and his brows furrowed slightly in concern. "You want to know how, before you finish it...don't you?"
Words weren't needed for her answer.
* * *
-It's been a while
Since I could say
that I wasn't addicted-
How it happened had eluded him. Through endless hours of frustrated, near- obsessive analysis and countless tries at rationalization, he still couldn't figure it out. When did the constant fighting stop being a nuisance? When did the regard, the uncharacteristic respect, creep up on him? When did his anger and hatred become something else entirely?
He had hated the boy. The young human who was never without his trench coat, whose clothes always matched his inky-black hair, whose thick glasses almost obscured his soft brown eyes. Who was always nice to GIR. Who never missed an episode of Mysterious Mysteries. Who threatened daily to chase Zim to the ends of the Earth and back. At some point the threat became a pleasant prospect. Zim's rebellious brain decided it liked that idea. It took a lot of willpower to force such thoughts from his mind, to wrestle them down to silence.
-It's been a while
Since I could say
I loved myself as well and...-
Zim hated Dib with a vengeance. The reasons were numerous, and unimportant. The emotion was all that mattered. Emotion that surpassed anything he'd ever experienced before. He had never gotten to know his enemies, not enough to feel. They were either temporary annoyances or something for him to gloat over, and occasionally both, but they were always gone before they might've made an impact.
But not Dib. Dib was different. Dib was relentless. Dib was always there, every minute of the day and night, forcing his presence. Zim had never known such persistence, outside of Irkenkind. It was troublesome. It was irritating. It was exhilarating. Soon he found himself looking forward to every new encounter, devising plans just to watch Dib foil them. He quickly had to admit, if only to himself, that Dib was his equal. Not in learned intelligence, but in cunning, skill, determination, strength of mind; in everything that counted, Dib was there, pushing Zim, forcing him to new heights, pushing him to adapt to his relentless pursuit.
When Zim realized that his respect for Dib surpassed any other, it was almost frightening. The moment he saw that respect reflected back at him, it was terrifying. The one thing he'd wanted above all else, and it came from his greatest enemy. Not enemy, though. Not anymore.
-It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you-
All the failures of the past meant nothing. The fear of letting his people down, of...becoming exactly what they thought of him...it didn't matter in the midst of the battles for supremacy. Zim had to focus his entire being to stay ahead of Dib's game. Irk was like a distant, unpleasant memory in comparison.
And then his mind acknowledged what his soul already knew.
* * *
-And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
Consequences that I've rendered
Gone and fucked things up again...again-
"You never told him." It wasn't a question. The regret in his lowered eyes was all the answer she needed.
"I didn't know. How could I? I was a fool." His gaze was locked on the city below, but unfocused, as if he wasn't really seeing it. "Why take such a risk? The chase was enough. It was always more than enough. I didn't know..."
-Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day...-
"How can it hurt so? I never imagined it could be like this." He flinched, and clutched one hand to his chest, over the Irken equivalent of a heart. "This vile human emotion. We have better sense, this kind of thing doesn't happen on Irk. One's entire being belongs to the great leaders. We serve them, they reward the faithful, and when they are gone we serve our new Tallest."
With a motion swift enough to startle even someone as stoic as her, he stood before her. His back was ramrod straight, but his ruby eyes burned with pain, an inferno blazing in them out of control. "Do it. Now."
She pretended to ignore the command, put on a face that could hide all the darkest secrets of history. "Who were they?"
Clarification was unnecessary. He hissed his fury for a moment, saw it did no good, and dropped bonelessly back onto the boulder he'd been sitting on.
* * *
-It's been a while
Since I could...
Look at myself straight-
They were again at the threshold. Only this time it was different. This time they weren't alone. This time Dib had tainted the battle, with the presence of people who didn't belong. No one belonged there, save Dib and Zim. And yet he'd brought in outsiders, his 'friends' at the Swollen Eyeball group. He'd finally managed to convince them of the threat that Zim posed, though Zim got the impression that the glory of the capture was far more important to them than the safety of the planet.
They shot his Voot Cruiser out of the sky. Through some miracle he had survived the crash, and even regained consciousness before they reached him. He had barely limped into the forest surrounding the site when they made it to the downed cruiser. Some hovered about the ship like dark wraiths, murmuring over the technology and trying to put the fires out.
The others followed him into the woods. Their flashlights' beams cast stark white daggers through the trees, sharpening shadows, and every movement caught in the light froze for an instant, in eerie tableau. Zim stumbled and then, quick as thought, released his mechanical legs and pushed on. He ran until his mind was screaming from the exertion of the legs' mental control, and his breath was reduced to ragged, labored panting and desperate, choking gasps for air.
-It's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry-
The pain of impact hit before the booming retort even registered in his mind. The careful rhythm he'd been struggling to maintain was lost, and he felt one mech leg slip, his momentum driving him hard into the ground. The mech legs retracted, but for a panic-stricken moment he couldn't move. He forced himself to his knees, and nearly fell again at the fire burning through his right leg. Dark purple blood welled up from a circular hole in his boot, a bullet hole.
Dib was the first to reach him, and stopped not ten feet away. His eyes were wide behind his glasses and his mouth hung open slightly. Right behind him came a tall, thin man with wild brown hair, streaked with black. Dull silver metal glinted in his fist.
Zim crouched, readied his mech legs and prepared to run, though he knew he wouldn't get very far. His eyes sought Dib's one last time, not knowing what he hoped to find. There was shock there, and his mouth was still hanging open, the glasses reflecting almost all brown.
"You've won," was the last thing Zim said as he extended his mech legs. How he wanted Dib to know just how much he'd won. But there was no more time. Gunshot echoed throughout the forest.
When the pain didn't come, Zim froze. Ice gripped him, a dark, filthy premonition. He knew what he would find when he turned around.
Dib stood facing the other man, hands closed tight around his fist, the one that held the gun. The other man was wide-eyed, staring as Dib slowly sank to his knees. Dib still clutched the gun, its barrel still pointed at his chest. The gunman scurried back as Zim raced to Dib's side.
-It's been a while
Since I've seen the way
the candles light your face-
Blood was already soaking the ground. Zim supported Dib as he lay on his side then struggled onto his back. The gun fell to the leaf covered ground beside them. Light played across pale features, a flickering beam from the flashlight held loosely in the gunman's hand. Dib's eyes were starting to glaze, and every breath came shorter and more ragged.
"Why did you..." Zim couldn't even finish the question. It felt like someone had hit him in the throat.
"Couldn't let...them." He squeezed his eyes shut, tried to catch his breath. "You're mine, Zim. Mine...alone."
Zim leaned over and kissed him. It was the single bravest and most cowardly thing he'd ever done.
-It's been a while
But I can still remember just the way you taste-
* * *
-Everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
To me...
I know this pain
Can I blame this on my father?
He did the best he could for me-
"It's funny. I've lived several of your lifetimes, and yet I had never cried before that night." He rubbed a fist against his eyes. It came away wet.
Hatred tinted his voice for a moment. "You needn't worry about the Eyeball members. They didn't live to regret their flagrant stupidity. There's only one responsible party left." He glanced at the gun that had materialized in her hand, then to the simple tombstone beside him. With a soul-weary sigh he got up, caressed a hand along the smooth marble before moving a few feet away.
"Wouldn't want to tarnish it with my blood."
-It's been a while
Since I could...
Hold my head up high-
"Will you take care of GIR? He needs someone..." He was met with only silence, spun around to find the hilltop was already empty. He was alone.
-And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry...-
* * * * *
Slash disclaimer: Again, this is Zim and Dib love here people! You can't deal, don't read. As the Almighty Thinnest Jhonen Vasquez says "I hope your minds are developed enough to take no offense at these things. If not, well, I'm better than you, aren't I?" And apologies to Jhonen Vasquez. But after reading the transcript of the RevSF chat, I figure, he's probably the kinda guy who would have told people to stop writing it if he really wanted them to. I mean, look at the stuff he says about the skateboard companies? If he wants to say "Stop writing slash with my toon-babies, you perv," then I'll be happy to oblige.
Disclaimer (Don'tcha love these?): Invader Zim belongs to the Almighty Thinnest Jhonen Vasquez, and his army of doom-sporks, and the sentient dust- bunnies at Nickelodeon. Aw, aren't they cute? I do this only out of the deepest respect for the characters and the great, great mind that created them. I mean it. Vasquez, if you're reading...damn you're a genius.
Additional Disclaimer: 'It's Been a While' is by Staind, from the album 'Break the Cycle'. Sorry, I don't have the copyright information, don't sue me please. If you haven't heard this song yet, you MUST! It's absolutely beautiful, and so very angsty. Yum...angst.
Any reviews you give to me will pleeeee-ase Pustulio! Flames will be treated with the same loving care you would expect from Nny. Any survivors (yea', right) will be fed to my pet Velociraptor.
___________
It's Been A While
___________
-It's been a while
Since I could
Hold my head up high...-
He knew not when it happened. It began, as most things did, with his pride. Pride that was gone now, dead as the one who killed it.
He sat in the darkness of night, staring blindly at the city spread out below the hill. Light from myriad streetlamps and insomniacs' windows played across his face, even at such a distance, revealing green skin that was several shades paler than healthy. Red eyes, dulled by pain, reflected the stars. Shoulders slumped slightly, weary beyond flesh.
-It's been a while
Since I first saw you-
"I remember that first day..." his voice was hoarse, though whether from emotion or simple disuse it was impossible to say.
"A new hope, a new mission, the chance to prove myself worthy of the privilege of life. To gain the respect I'd longed for. You ruined it all, you know. I would have had everything I wanted and more." An old anger flashed through his eyes, momentarily bringing life, then dying back to leave them that much closer to empty.
-It's been a while
Since I could stand
on my own two feet again-
The footsteps didn't even rouse his attention, further proof of his mental condition. She was behind him before he realized it. If she didn't have other plans for him, he might have already been dead. He finally noticed her, threw an indifferent glance over his shoulder, and then turned back to his city gazing. They stood there in silence, watching the streets below, her violet hair and his sleek antennae shining in the starlight.
-And it's been a while
since I could call you-
"You took him from me." It was more a statement of truth than an accusation.
A pained smile crossed his lips. "Yes. I suppose I did."
The self-loathing in his tone did not escape her notice, but neither did it matter. His guilt was confirmed. So why could she not act?
-And everything I can remember
as fucked up as it all may seem
Consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means-
"You know what I've come for." He knew all too well. They were both after the same thing. One means to two different ends.
He waited for the inevitable, and still she hesitated. Finally he turned, confusion animating his features for the first time that night, and met unflinching amber eyes. An attempt to break that stone gaze proved futile, and his brows furrowed slightly in concern. "You want to know how, before you finish it...don't you?"
Words weren't needed for her answer.
* * *
-It's been a while
Since I could say
that I wasn't addicted-
How it happened had eluded him. Through endless hours of frustrated, near- obsessive analysis and countless tries at rationalization, he still couldn't figure it out. When did the constant fighting stop being a nuisance? When did the regard, the uncharacteristic respect, creep up on him? When did his anger and hatred become something else entirely?
He had hated the boy. The young human who was never without his trench coat, whose clothes always matched his inky-black hair, whose thick glasses almost obscured his soft brown eyes. Who was always nice to GIR. Who never missed an episode of Mysterious Mysteries. Who threatened daily to chase Zim to the ends of the Earth and back. At some point the threat became a pleasant prospect. Zim's rebellious brain decided it liked that idea. It took a lot of willpower to force such thoughts from his mind, to wrestle them down to silence.
-It's been a while
Since I could say
I loved myself as well and...-
Zim hated Dib with a vengeance. The reasons were numerous, and unimportant. The emotion was all that mattered. Emotion that surpassed anything he'd ever experienced before. He had never gotten to know his enemies, not enough to feel. They were either temporary annoyances or something for him to gloat over, and occasionally both, but they were always gone before they might've made an impact.
But not Dib. Dib was different. Dib was relentless. Dib was always there, every minute of the day and night, forcing his presence. Zim had never known such persistence, outside of Irkenkind. It was troublesome. It was irritating. It was exhilarating. Soon he found himself looking forward to every new encounter, devising plans just to watch Dib foil them. He quickly had to admit, if only to himself, that Dib was his equal. Not in learned intelligence, but in cunning, skill, determination, strength of mind; in everything that counted, Dib was there, pushing Zim, forcing him to new heights, pushing him to adapt to his relentless pursuit.
When Zim realized that his respect for Dib surpassed any other, it was almost frightening. The moment he saw that respect reflected back at him, it was terrifying. The one thing he'd wanted above all else, and it came from his greatest enemy. Not enemy, though. Not anymore.
-It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you-
All the failures of the past meant nothing. The fear of letting his people down, of...becoming exactly what they thought of him...it didn't matter in the midst of the battles for supremacy. Zim had to focus his entire being to stay ahead of Dib's game. Irk was like a distant, unpleasant memory in comparison.
And then his mind acknowledged what his soul already knew.
* * *
-And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
Consequences that I've rendered
Gone and fucked things up again...again-
"You never told him." It wasn't a question. The regret in his lowered eyes was all the answer she needed.
"I didn't know. How could I? I was a fool." His gaze was locked on the city below, but unfocused, as if he wasn't really seeing it. "Why take such a risk? The chase was enough. It was always more than enough. I didn't know..."
-Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day...-
"How can it hurt so? I never imagined it could be like this." He flinched, and clutched one hand to his chest, over the Irken equivalent of a heart. "This vile human emotion. We have better sense, this kind of thing doesn't happen on Irk. One's entire being belongs to the great leaders. We serve them, they reward the faithful, and when they are gone we serve our new Tallest."
With a motion swift enough to startle even someone as stoic as her, he stood before her. His back was ramrod straight, but his ruby eyes burned with pain, an inferno blazing in them out of control. "Do it. Now."
She pretended to ignore the command, put on a face that could hide all the darkest secrets of history. "Who were they?"
Clarification was unnecessary. He hissed his fury for a moment, saw it did no good, and dropped bonelessly back onto the boulder he'd been sitting on.
* * *
-It's been a while
Since I could...
Look at myself straight-
They were again at the threshold. Only this time it was different. This time they weren't alone. This time Dib had tainted the battle, with the presence of people who didn't belong. No one belonged there, save Dib and Zim. And yet he'd brought in outsiders, his 'friends' at the Swollen Eyeball group. He'd finally managed to convince them of the threat that Zim posed, though Zim got the impression that the glory of the capture was far more important to them than the safety of the planet.
They shot his Voot Cruiser out of the sky. Through some miracle he had survived the crash, and even regained consciousness before they reached him. He had barely limped into the forest surrounding the site when they made it to the downed cruiser. Some hovered about the ship like dark wraiths, murmuring over the technology and trying to put the fires out.
The others followed him into the woods. Their flashlights' beams cast stark white daggers through the trees, sharpening shadows, and every movement caught in the light froze for an instant, in eerie tableau. Zim stumbled and then, quick as thought, released his mechanical legs and pushed on. He ran until his mind was screaming from the exertion of the legs' mental control, and his breath was reduced to ragged, labored panting and desperate, choking gasps for air.
-It's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry-
The pain of impact hit before the booming retort even registered in his mind. The careful rhythm he'd been struggling to maintain was lost, and he felt one mech leg slip, his momentum driving him hard into the ground. The mech legs retracted, but for a panic-stricken moment he couldn't move. He forced himself to his knees, and nearly fell again at the fire burning through his right leg. Dark purple blood welled up from a circular hole in his boot, a bullet hole.
Dib was the first to reach him, and stopped not ten feet away. His eyes were wide behind his glasses and his mouth hung open slightly. Right behind him came a tall, thin man with wild brown hair, streaked with black. Dull silver metal glinted in his fist.
Zim crouched, readied his mech legs and prepared to run, though he knew he wouldn't get very far. His eyes sought Dib's one last time, not knowing what he hoped to find. There was shock there, and his mouth was still hanging open, the glasses reflecting almost all brown.
"You've won," was the last thing Zim said as he extended his mech legs. How he wanted Dib to know just how much he'd won. But there was no more time. Gunshot echoed throughout the forest.
When the pain didn't come, Zim froze. Ice gripped him, a dark, filthy premonition. He knew what he would find when he turned around.
Dib stood facing the other man, hands closed tight around his fist, the one that held the gun. The other man was wide-eyed, staring as Dib slowly sank to his knees. Dib still clutched the gun, its barrel still pointed at his chest. The gunman scurried back as Zim raced to Dib's side.
-It's been a while
Since I've seen the way
the candles light your face-
Blood was already soaking the ground. Zim supported Dib as he lay on his side then struggled onto his back. The gun fell to the leaf covered ground beside them. Light played across pale features, a flickering beam from the flashlight held loosely in the gunman's hand. Dib's eyes were starting to glaze, and every breath came shorter and more ragged.
"Why did you..." Zim couldn't even finish the question. It felt like someone had hit him in the throat.
"Couldn't let...them." He squeezed his eyes shut, tried to catch his breath. "You're mine, Zim. Mine...alone."
Zim leaned over and kissed him. It was the single bravest and most cowardly thing he'd ever done.
-It's been a while
But I can still remember just the way you taste-
* * *
-Everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
To me...
I know this pain
Can I blame this on my father?
He did the best he could for me-
"It's funny. I've lived several of your lifetimes, and yet I had never cried before that night." He rubbed a fist against his eyes. It came away wet.
Hatred tinted his voice for a moment. "You needn't worry about the Eyeball members. They didn't live to regret their flagrant stupidity. There's only one responsible party left." He glanced at the gun that had materialized in her hand, then to the simple tombstone beside him. With a soul-weary sigh he got up, caressed a hand along the smooth marble before moving a few feet away.
"Wouldn't want to tarnish it with my blood."
-It's been a while
Since I could...
Hold my head up high-
"Will you take care of GIR? He needs someone..." He was met with only silence, spun around to find the hilltop was already empty. He was alone.
-And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry...-
* * * * *