S-Class Babies?!

1. Slipping It In - Sasori

"DAMMIT! Danna!! Go away, un!!"

Do you know how tired I am of hearing that? I get it every morning when I go to wake that brat up. "Go away, un!" Ugh! I don't know how much more I can take. Being Deidara's partner has no advantages. He is NOT a morning person, for one. But the problem with that is, I'm having trouble fixing the puppets he blows up. Hey, I'm not going in there when he's like that! I send puppets. At least I can fix them...Well, the parts of them that don't get blown to smithereens, anyway.

But that's not the only problem. With Deidara, I don't know when he's going to have a fit. Do you know why Hiruko has so many new weapons? Deidara keeps blowing off parts of him and I just fix and add. Over and over and over again. Then, when the day finally starts, I'm dodging his stupid clay creatures and contemplating ways to either destroy him or turn him into a puppet. I come up with more ways to destroy him rather than turn him into a puppet; probably because I don't want the guilt of seeing his lifeless body at the end of my chakara strings every time I need his explosives.

When the day ends, I finally have time to work on all my puppets. I might get some sleep at night. But most likely not. This time, it's not Deidara's fault. When I'm relaxed, my heart does that weird thing to my brain and I start to feel guilty about yelling at the brat. It happens every day. But there's this new thing that I do at night when I'm lying in bed trying to ignore the guilt; I start wondering what made Deidara, well, him. And I wonder what would happen if things were different.

I don't believe in wishes or anything, but I'll tell you this: wishing on a star takes too long. If you want to wish, make one and then do something to get it. It won't work if you don't do something. So guess what I did? I tainted some fruit.

"GO AWAY, UN!!" Deidara screams at me, throwing his pillow over his face and moaning as he turns over. I duck as he swings his arm around trying to hit me.

"Stop it, Deidara! We have to go!" I tell him through his pillow. I grab one end of his pillow and try to pull it out of his hands, but he wraps both arms around it and holds it over his head. I sigh in exasperation and let go of his pillow. This is actually the first time I've tried to wake him up myself instead of sending one of my puppets. I understand now why it takes so long and why I end up with aching fingers when he's finally up. I at least hope that he won't try to blow me up. My original body is irreplaceable – unlike what Deidara thinks. I decide that I don't want to put up with this today, lift a corner of his pillow and yell, "WE'VE GOT A MISSION RIGHT NOW, SO GET UP!! NOW!!!"

Deidara sits up and throws the pillow at my head. "Why so fucking early in the morning, un?!" he screams in my face and reaches for one of his bags of clay. I stand up and make for the door. I decide I don't want to look like a mix-matched rag doll. I close the door just as there's a massive explosion on the other side. Kakuzu's not going to forgive me.

"YOU BLEW UP YOUR ROOM?!" Kakuzu screams at Deidara when my partner gets downstairs.

"Bite me. Sasori no Danna pissed me off, un," he says as he grabs an apple from the fruit basket. (I still don't know why we insisted on that basket…)

I glare at him from the other side of the counter. "Sure, blame it on me."

"Why shouldn't I, un?" he asks, taking a bite of his fruit.

I try not to smile as I watch him eat the apple. It had taken me awhile to come up with a potion that didn't kill anyone. But I am sure that I did pull it off. All it was supposed to do was put someone into a dream or hypnotism state so I could finally find out why Deidara insisted on torturing me. It had been the middle of the night when I'd tainted the fruit, so I wasn't sure which ones had the drug, but I had really only intended for Deidara to eat it. When Itachi, Kakuzu and Tobi came in and took a fruit, I almost panicked.

"Why are you yelling this fucking early?!" Hidan asked, getting a glass of juice and sitting down on one of the stools.

Kakuzu points at Deidara and cried, "He blew up his room!"

Hidan looks at the blonde and smiles. "You blew up your room? Leader's never going to forgive you."

Deidara shrugs and throws the core of his apple away. "He can bite me too, un."

"Why would I want to?" Leader asks from the shadows. What we can see of his face says he's ready to kill anyone who breathes wrong.

I watch in amusement as Deidara pales and stutters an excuse as to why he said that. Sometimes I feel like I should intervene at times like these and save Deidara, but then I remember all the puppets that the brat blew up and I suddenly decide that it's more funny than anything else when he gets ripped on. Everyone thinks that because I'm a puppet, that I don't have feelings. That's what I like people to think. The truth is, I had to preserve my brain too so I could talk. So when people think that emotions come from the brain, they're not entirely wrong. After awhile of listening to Pein rip on Deidara, I decide to drag Deidara away. "Sorry, Leader; we've got that mission you told us to do. Right, Deidara?"

The blonde nods profusely and mutters, "Un, un!" as I drag him outside.

"You're stupid," I tell him as we walk away from the base. "But you managed to escape Kakuzu for now."

Deidara nods and sighs in relief. "Thanks, Danna. I really messed up this time, un."

"You mess up a lot," I inform him with a smirk. "Now shut-up and let's get this over with."

By the time we get back to the base, it's dark and cold. I can't wait to get inside and into bed where at least I know I'll be warm. But Deidara can see that and he starts pestering me.

"Danna? I did okay, didn't I, un? Because I know you were awesome…" he tells me with a blush and I grunt. "I wonder if Leader will be pleased…" He goes on and on until we reach the base where he finally shuts up after telling me he's going to the kitchen. I just nod, go back to my room (which someone had blockaded, so I have to go to the extra room) and huddle under a blanket while I stare at a puppet with a missing limb. The only reason why I'm not fixing the puppet is because I don't have a spare limb at the moment and so I'm trying to figure out how to improvise.

After awhile, I kick it and throw myself backward onto the bed. At that exact moment, Deidara comes in. I turn over and watch him take off his cloak and drape it on the back of a chair. While he's taking off his bags of clay, he turns to look at me.

"Am I interesting, un?" he asks me as he puts the first bag of clay onto the floor. "Because you're staring at me."

"Yes, I know I'm staring at you," I tell him. "I'm staring at you because I'm bored."

He makes a mocking shocked expression as he says, "Danna…You're bored, un?! Oh my god…This is a major event in history, un." He nods his head and a small smile starts playing around his lips as he drops his second bag of clay on the floor.

I sigh and turn back over so I can stare at the ceiling. "Shut-up, brat. I hate it when you do that."

"You set yourself up, un," he informs me as he sits on his bed. "I still don't understand how you can be bored but you don't have emotions."

I look at him and say, "You don't understand a lot of things."

Deidara pouts and gets into his bed. "Thanks, Danna; night."

I roll over and stare out the window. "Yeah, whatever."

I wake up to a scream echoing through the base. I sit bolt right up, startled because it's not often when I hear a member of the Akatsuki scream like that – except Konan; sometimes we hear her scream because of a spider; but that could be Tobi, too. I start to get out of bed to investigate when Hidan bursts in.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" he yells, shoving a toddler in my face.

"A baby," I tell him calmly, not noticing who the baby looks like.

"WRONG! It's Kakuzu!!" he shouts in despair.

I stare at the baby for a minute and then get a sinking feeling in my chest. The baby looks really familiar – Kakuzu familiar. "Oh my god, no."

Hidan brings the baby back to him and turns it to face him. "I woke up, went to wake Kakuzu and found…it! What do I do? I'm not a parent! I can't take care of this thing!!"

But I had stopped listening to him when I'd realized who the baby was. I'm across the room and throwing off the covers of the other bed. I almost scream when I see a little blonde boy in the bed instead of the twenty-something Deidara who had crashed there last night. The boy turns over, looks up at me and blinks. He does scream.

"What the fuck?!" Hidan cries, almost dropping baby Kakuzu. "Why'd he scream?"

"You people are scary," Konan says from the doorway, waltzing in and picking up baby Deidara – who had started crying. "What do you expect? You're serial killers."

I'm still in shock. I can't figure out what had happened. Twenty-something year olds don't just turn into babies overnight. Something happened; I'm just trying to figure out what. Finally, I ask, "What happened? Why are they babies?"

Konan shrugs, still holding the now calm baby Deidara. "Who knows? Obviously we don't. But we'd better do a head count and ask Leader what to do." Hidan and I nod and follow her into the dining room. Zetsu's sitting there, holding a baby Tobi. No one had bothered taking off the boy's mask – which was three sizes too big for the baby.

"What's going on?" Zetsu asks, looking up at us as we walk in. "Why is Tobi a baby?"

"Why are Kakuzu and Deidara babies?" Hidan counters, sitting down in a chair at the head of the table. Suddenly we hear an earsplitting scream from down the hall and a few minutes later, Kisame runs out with a baby Itachi biting his arm.

"GET IT OFF!!" he screams, motioning with his free arm to the baby Uchiha.

"Why is there so much noise?" Leader growls, coming into the kitchen. There's a commotion as everyone tries to explain what's going on with no one succeeding. "Okay, shut the fuck up for a minute. So four of you turned into babies for some mysterious reason?" We nod. "Alright then, I know exactly what to do." We all stare eagerly at him. "Konan, we're going on vacation." We practically start a riot over this because none of us have any parenting skills. (C'mon! We kill people, not raise them!)

"Leader, have you forgotten that you've assigned us all missions for the week? We can't just abandon those, right? And besides, we're not parents!" I quickly object over everyone else – except Konan who looks like she might be day-dreaming.

"I am very aware of this. But there are two things wrong with what you're assuming. One, I haven't assigned any of you any missions for the next week because I assign them each day. And two, even if you did have missions, I'd gladly ask you to abandon them because these babies are Akatsuki members and I need them to be in one piece when they turn back to themselves. Thanks to Orochimaru, we're already low on people. If you let anything happen to these four…" he trails off threateningly and we all swallow our comments.

"Yes, sir," we moan at the same time.

"Good enough. Now, to assigning people to babies. Hidan, you get Kakuzu," Leader pauses as Hidan spews several curses out of his mouth in anger. "Kisame, you get to take care of Itachi." Kisame gapes and tries to say something with little success, only managing to gesture at the baby Itachi still attached to his arm a few times. "Zetsu, you get Tobi…Don't kill him." Zetsu scowls at Leader but says nothing. "And that leaves Sasori with Deidara."

Deidara looks up at me from Konan's arms and smiles. "Like he knows who I am," I mutter almost sarcastically. I reach out and take the blonde boy from Konan.

"Bye, guys. Have fun!" Konan chirps as she dances over to Leader and they walk out.

There's a moment of dead silence as we realize that Leader had been serious. Then there's a moment of pure chaos as we all panic over having to take care of babies. I manage to take Deidara back to our room where at least it's quieter. If I was going to have to take care of this kid, I needed to know a little about him – like, for starters, his age. "Okay, brat. If I have to take care of you, I need to know who you are." I figure since he probably doesn't know who I am, I should pretend to not know who he is.

Deidara stares blankly at me for a minute and then smiles as he says, "My name's Deidara, un."

His smile is contagious and I find myself smiling as well. "Alright, Deidara, I'm Sasori. How old are you?"

He's quiet, looking like he's thinking. "I'm five, un." For a minute I almost want to cuddle him and tell him how cute he is. But common sense kicks in and I nod. I'm about to ask him something else, when he asks, "Can I have something to eat? I'm hungry, un."

I look out the window and guess how early it is. I could have gotten more sleep if Hidan hadn't screamed. "Okay, what do you want?"

"Rice!" Deidara cries, throwing his arms into the air with a grin on his face. "With lots of soy sauce, un!"

"Easy enough," I mutter, picking up Deidara and going back to the kitchen. When I get in there, Hidan's already making rice. "Loose a bet or something?"

Hidan turns on me, giving me a death glare. "Yes, for your information."

I turn away from him, practically cringing under his glare. "Okay, sorry," I say, walking to the table. I put Deidara into one of the chairs and move to the wall closest to the door so I can lean on it.

"Hi, Tobi's Tobi," Tobi exclaims, looking at Deidara. Someone had finally taken off the boy's mask.

The blonde flinches, then smiles and quietly says, "I'm Deidara." Then, glancing at Kakuzu and Itachi, he asks under his breath, "Who are they, un?"

Tobi glances at the other two boys as well and shrugs. "Tobi doesn't know. They keep talking to each other but they haven't said anything to Tobi yet."

"You're talking about us," Itachi suddenly says, glaring at Tobi and Deidara. They cringe and try to cover each other. "Kakuzu, they're talking about us."

Kakuzu looks over at them and asks, "Really? What are they saying?"

Itachi shrugs and says, "I don't know…I just have a weird feeling that they are." The two boys stare at Deidara and Tobi for a minute until they turn back to their conversation.

Deidara sighs and mutters, "Let's not talk about them anymore, un." Tobi nods so hard, I think his head might fly off.

Zetsu walks over and stands next to me. "Interesting…I think they're friends now."

I shake my head in amazement and say, "I can't believe that. Deidara hates Tobi because he's so annoying."

He looks at me and says, "Do you think this could change that?" We're both quiet while we think about that; then we quickly shake our heads as the thought starts to creep us out. "Never mind; they're kids right now, if this changes anything, we're in trouble."

"I'll tell you this much, it'd be really weird," I tell him, nodding my head as the image rolls through my head.

"I'll pass on finding out what it'd be like," Zetsu mutters, going to help Hidan serve the rice. I shrug and watch Deidara and Tobi dump soy sauce on each other's rice. Suddenly I wonder why Leader left us here to take care of the babies. All I know is that he did it on purpose.

--

It takes us a few hours to realize that they need diaper changes. And we freak out when we do realize this – mostly because their shit's all over the floor because their underwear's too big for them. In that same confusion, we also seem to see the kids as they are – little with giant clothes on them. "What are we supposed to do now? They stink and their clothes are too big," Hidan cries, gesturing at the babies a few times. The four little brats look up at him with wide eyes.

"Thank-you for stating the obvious," I say, nodding at him. "I think that you and I should go to the market and see what we can do about the diapers at least. If we can, maybe we should see if we can get clothes that will fit them…"

"Wait…And leave us here to take care of four evil little babies?!" Kisame shouts, looking horrified.

"What do you suppose we do? Let them run around naked?" I snap, shutting up any more protests. "Now, come on, Hidan. Let's get this over with." I head for the door, not bothering to see if he's following or not. I feel like a moron when we get to the market and I don't have a clue what we're doing. Luckily, some dumb blonde woman helps us out thinking that we're "new dads". Apparently, men don't know what they're doing when they acquire kids – which would explain our situation wonderfully. When we get back to the base, it's practically a disaster zone. Getting new diapers and clothes on the kids is just about impossible.

"Tobi likes being naked!" Tobi screams and ducks away from Zetsu. Deidara is running around with only a shirt on that he won't take off, Itachi is standing in a corner with absolutely nothing on glaring at anyone who happens to get in a ten foot radius of him, and Kakuzu is also wearing nothing but he is running around laughing and screaming, "YOU CAN'T CATCH ME!"

When we finally get the kids in diapers and clothes that almost fit them – they're still a little too big – we're all exhausted. The kids curl up with each other and fall asleep so we all collapse. After that, I close my eyes and I'm lost to sleep. It's the most peaceful moment I've had all day.

AN: The diapers are cloth, just so you know. And I chose the girl to be blonde because…well, honestly I think that Sasori would believe in stereotypes and so he would look at her like she's stupid. That's why I chose her hair color to be blonde. I don't do that.

In other news, aren't you glad that I added this last part? It just makes the rest of the story make more sense…Even if I don't… You don't have to re-review this chapter but I'd appreciate it if you mention what you thought about the diaper part in a later chapter that you DO review. I hope this makes the later chapters make more sense.

Happy reading and thanks for the support!