The night was cold and it seemed darker than usual to Hakkai; the fire cast strange shifting shapes on the wall of the cave that the four of them had stopped in for the night. He was still damp from the rainstorm and his clothes didn't seem to be drying very quickly. His body trembled from the chill, his hands shook, and he could feel his teeth chattering, even as he drew a breath. It was times like this when he wished that they had some blankets or sleeping bags, but the team was surprisingly ill-equipped for such a long journey.

At least they were together again, he reminded himself. Things could be so much worse. He could have killed one of them, any of them, even Goku. He knew that the boy was stronger than he was, even in his youkai form, but he had been reluctant to face a comrade. Reluctant to kill a friend. Goku was just like that. Too easily attached. That was a weakness in itself.

Hakkai smiled to himself. He had no right to think less of Goku for that though, not after what he'd put everyone through, just to protect Gojyo. He'd been so determined to defend his friend that he'd jumped between the hybrid and an oncoming attack. He'd gotten himself killed, just because he was selfish enough that he didn't want to watch his best friend die. And then he'd almost killed him himself. If he had killed Gojyo his sacrifice would have been a waste. He knew he shouldn't blame himself for that. He knew that as long as he hadn't been able to remember what was going on it really wasn't his fault. But he couldn't help blaming himself. He had to blame someone, and he was the only one who was at fault. The others had done their best to help him, they couldn't be blamed.

Now they were all sleeping restlessly around the fire, their shallow breathing filling the cave, Goku near Sanzo, snoring and muttering about food in his sleep; the Priest looked restless in his unconsciousness, as if any sound would wake him up. Hakkai turned over on his side to look at Gojyo, who was on the other side of him.

To his surprise, the hybrid was lying on his back, hands locked behind his head, eyes open, staring up at the cave ceiling. There was a cigarette in his mouth, but it wasn't lit. Hakkai felt a sudden wave of guilt as he looked at his friend and saw that there were bruises on his cheeks and lips, that his right eye was blackened. The other was bloodshot from burst blood vessels. His chest was rising and falling in a regular pattern, but his breath sounded strained, and there was still blood on his shirt from the wounds he'd received a week ago, and the fresh ones that he himself had created earlier that night. Hakkai stared at the shoulder he'd clipped with his claws during the fight and felt a poignant nausea drop to his guts.

"What you looking at?" Gojyo demanded, not glancing at the youkai.

"Oh, are you awake? I didn't realize."

"Hell yeah I'm awake. I can't sleep for shit."

Hakkai sat up, "Have you been trouble sleeping lately?"

"Nn…I guess you could say that." Gojyo grinned slowly, but it was sad somehow, "Truth is, I haven't slept for a coupla' days now. I've got an adrenaline rush goin' that won't slow down."
"I'm sorry," Hakkai said without thinking about it, "I suppose this is all my fault."

"Yeah. It is."

The youkai couldn't help chuckling. Even though he hadn't been able to remember Gojyo, the days without him had seemed empty and dull. He had been missing his roommate's crude sense of humor and careless attitude, even when he didn't realize it. "I'm just a fool. Just a selfish fool."

For the first time, Gojyo looked at him, "You're telling me." His voice sounded husky and dark.

Hakkai wasn't sure what to say, but he was captivated by the look in Gojyo's eyes, unable to tear his gaze away from that brilliant, crimson color. Had it been selfish? Had it been foolish? Maybe it had been a waste. Perhaps Hakkai was underestimating himself and he could have lived, even if Gojyo were gone. Of course he could. He'd survived Kanan's death, why shouldn't he be able to survive Gojyo's? But then, losing Kanan had been impossibly difficult, and Hakkai hated to think of those blood-colored eyes closing forever. Hakkai shuddered at the thought and finally pulled his eyes away to look at the fire.

"How bizarre it's been; this past week…it would almost seem like a dream. We're already back on our way west, as if it never happened. But…death still seems so close by. I can almost feel it touching me."

That seemed to bother Gojyo, and he sat up too, tossing his unused cigarette to the ground and running a hand through his hair, "A dream? It sure as hell doesn't fell like a dream to me, 'Kai. It's not something I'm ever gonna' forget…you lying there…"

Troubled by the words, Hakkai reached out to touch the hybrid's shoulder. He hated to think that he had marred this man's life, that he had scarred him somewhere deep inside.

With a sigh, Gojyo draped his arm around Hakkai's neck. "I got the shitty end of the stick."

"Believe me," Hakkai smiled, "I was just as upset and disoriented as you were. This past week has been nightmarish for me. It's very hard to look for someone you don't remember knowing, and it's hard to trust them. I was hoping that you would have all the answers. I suppose that, in a way, you did."

"Yeah."

For a few minutes, the two of them sat there quietly, neither of them speaking, not looking at each other, not moving, simply existing, side by side again. Hakkai felt the guilt and the weariness that had been eating at him for hours beginning to ebb away as he sat side by side with his best friend in the whole pathetic world.

After several moments, Gojyo slumped against him, his head resting heavily on Hakkai's shoulder, red hair tumbling like a waterfall of blood. It almost seemed like he had passed out, and Hakkai fought a rise of panic; but when he looked at Gojyo he saw that the hybrid's eyes were shut tight and his mouth was drawn in a grimace, his bright, white teeth bared in the dim firelight, face tense from pain, like he was fighting back tears. "God…"

"What's the matter?"

"What's the matter." Gojyo snorted. "The matter is that…for the last eight days I thought you were dead. I thought I'd feel better if I killed Ikku and the others, but nothing changed the fact that you died because of me."

"Yes," Hakkai said softly, resting his hand on the top of Gojyo's skull, "I suppose I can't really understand what you went through while I was looking for you. My confusion was likely nothing compared to your pain."

He felt Gojyo take a deep, stiff breath, like he was holding fire in his stomach.

"Gojyo, you must be tired. Please try to get some rest."

"If this is just a dream," the hybrid mumbled, "you'll be gone in the morning, huh? How can I be sure that this is real?"
So that was it, was it? Gojyo still wasn't sure that everything had worked out, he thought it might be possible that none of this was really happening.

Smiling gently, Hakkai looked his friend in the eyes, "I'll be here in the morning, I promise."

Gojyo looked back at him for a moment, as if he were trying to decide whether or not he could believe that; at last he nodded slightly, "I guess it's a risk I've gotta' take, huh?"

Laughing, Hakkai said, "I'd rather you didn't take any risks right now, if that's not too much to ask."

The hybrid pulled away and flopped back on the ground, you neither, 'Kai."

Hakkai lay down beside him, turning on his side to grin at the hybrid, "No risks for me either."

Without warning, Gojyo wrapped his arms around Hakkai's neck and pulled him close, which was startling. Normally Gojyo was very straightforward about his orientation and rejected anything that even resembled intimacy with another man, but tonight Hakkai could feel that the hybrid's concern with such things was buried by his relief and his agony. He found himself feeling the same emotions speeding through him, and readily welcomed the contact, looping his arm around Gojyo's shoulders and pressing his cheek to the half-breed's forehead. He was engulfed by the familiar smell of cigarettes and leather, mixed with blood and booze. It was a scent he knew well and welcomed.

The next thing he knew, Gojyo was asleep, curled up beside him like a child, one hand fisted in Hakkai's shirtfront, the other still draped across his best friend's shoulder. the heat of his body chasing off the cold dark of the night.

Slowly, Hakkai threaded his fingers through the long, crimson hair, wondering if Goku and Sanzo would wake before they did and what they would make of the sight of the two of them snuggled together like littermates. He felt Gojyo's warm breath feathering over his face, a gentle and welcome reminder that he was alive, that the sacrifice had been very worthwhile, and that the torment they had both been through had served its purpose.

Overcome by his emotions, Hakkai touched his lips very lightly to Gojyo's forehead, in what wasn't quite a kiss. Then, with a contented sigh, he closed his eyes and fell asleep as well.

To read the prequel to this story, Leaves in the Wind, follow the link:

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