"Hi, I'm a Comedy!"

"And I'm a Tragedy…"

"Hey Tragedy, what happened to your neck?"

"My father snapped it because he was ashamed that I got raped."

"Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that."

"Why are you dressed in men's clothes?"

"Well, my new husband's best friend was going to get a pound of flesh loped off, so I decided to disguise myself and go help him."

"Have you no sense of decency or honor, Comedy? You are a beautiful princess that should be pampered, not shamefully clothing oneself as a male and doing such work!"

"I saved a life, and you're telling me that I have no decency or honor? I took matters into my own hands and did what needed to be done. It's an incredibly empowering feeling; you should try it sometime."

"But it's not a woman's place to be empowered! We're meant to be glad for the joys the men provide for us. My father-"

"Didn't old Titus want to marry you off to that whiny Saturninus guy? Tragedy, how could you possibly be okay with that? I mean, weren't you in love with Bassianus?"

"I'm sure he thought it would be a suitable match at the time! And what about you, Comedy? Didn't you obey your father's wish to marry whoever opened the correct metal chest?"

"Grudgingly, thank you. But how could I possibly go against my father's dying wish?"

"Yes, because I'm sure he'd be so much happier with a transvestite for a daughter. There you go again, honoring your father's memory. The poor man is probably vomiting in his grave at the thought of you."

"Your father killed you."

"I was a shameful sight!"

"You were raped and mutilated! It's not like you wanted to be."

"My father was only doing what was best for me!"

"For you or for the family name?"

"I see no reason to distinguish between the two!"

"What is your obsession with honor and a perfect image? Sometimes you need to do things to get what you want. I wanted my husband to be happy, so I dressed as a man to save his best friend."

"If you truly want to please your husband, maybe you'd still that obnoxious and outspoken tongue of yours."

"Excuse me? You don't even know Bassanio!"

"Yes, and neither do you last time I checked!
For was it not merely a random chance
He chose the chest containing your image?
Was it not lead that housed your pretty face?
A more fitting chamber for such a tongue
So belligerent and so unwelcome,
I could not possibly imagine.
It is no small miracle that suitors
Wouldst pursue one so untamed and feral,
For surely you will drive them to their graves."

"…I'm sorry, did you just speak to me in verse?"

"It's a beautiful and traditional-"

"I hate you."

--

A woman watches her television in shock. This commercial has gone on far too long, and she wants to get back to her soap. The women are glaring very intently at one another, not speaking a word. They don't seem about to come to a conclusion any time soon; Tragedy is still babbling on in verse about how honor was something every woman should strive for as Comedy rolls her eyes and cuts her off with a dark glare and a declaration of Bassanio's love for her because she took matters into her own hands instead of being a complacent, subservient bitch about everything, and LA Passions' time slot is almost up. But from the sound of it, the stories of these women are equally as juicy as the woman's normal afternoon's raunch-fest viewings. Perhaps she should look into this…

Lavinia vs. Portia ftw.