Disclaimer: I do not own Blackadder.

Darling is heading out of town,

But he's been stuck with George and Baldrick!

Now Darling's face has got a frown,

While Edmund's hoping they'll get car sick!

Blackadder, Blackadder,

You're not safe as of yet!

Blackadder, Blackadder,

Must still tend to Melchett!

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,

Get ready for some fun!

Oh Darling, Oh Darling,

Your plight has just begun!

Getting There is Half the Fun

"I don't believe this!" Captain Darling grumbled as he stormed out of General Melchett's headquarters.  "I can't believe that I'm going on leave for the first time in years and that I'm taking you two idiots with me!"

"Oh come now sir.  I'm sure we'll all have a grand old time!" Lieutenant George chirped following after him.  "The three of us men going out for the weekend and painting the town red!"

"Oh, that could be a problem sir.  I didn't pack any paint brushes," Private Baldrick said walking next to George.

"Look, you are not painting anything red," Darling snapped.  "If anyone gets to paint things red it'll be me using Blackadder's blood after I'm done shooting him for landing me with you two!"

"Well bless my sainted pants!" George blinked at the large shiny car waiting for them in front of headquarters.  A private had just finished polishing the hood.  "Now that's what I call an automobile!"

"I'll take the wheel sir," Baldrick moved for the driver's seat.

"Oh no you don't!" Darling shouted and shoved Baldrick aside.  "This is the General's private car.  It took me months of sucking up to him and doing his laundry to get his permission to use it for the weekend and there's no way I'm going to let either of you drive it!"

"But I'm an excellent driver sir," Baldrick protested.  "Captain Blackadder is always complementing me on my skills."

"He is?" Darling asked surprised.

"Yeah, he says that if I keep it up I'll drive him to an early grave," Baldrick said proudly.

"Oh joy," Darling drawled and got into the driver's seat.

"This is exciting sir!" George practically leapt into the front passenger seat and squealed with glee.  "All set for a ripping good time!"

"Keep drooling on the leather and I'll rip your lungs out through your nose!" Darling snapped.  "Private!  Private get in the car and stop looking at the hubcap!"

"But sir, it's so shiny," Baldrick whined.  "Look, I can see my election in it."

"That's you're reflection private!  And if you don't get in now you'll be reflecting off the dirt road after I tie you to the chassis bottom!" Darling warned.

"Yes sir.  Sorry sir," Baldrick nodded and got in.

"All set and comfy are we sir?" Private 'Bob' Parker asked as she held her polishing rag and moved opposite the driver's seat.

"As much as I can be under the circumstances," Darling muttered starting the engine.

"Oh joy!  Here we go!  Tally-ho, view-hallo and Bob's you're uncle!" George cheered excitedly.

"I didn't know you and Private Parker were related sir," Baldrick commented to Darling.

"Oh geeze," Darling groaned. "This trip is going to be torture, I just know it."

"Have a good time sir!" Bob saluted him.

"I wouldn't count on it," Darling said pulling out and hitting the road.

"Are we there yet?" Baldrick asked as he sat in the back seat.

"For the last time no we are not!" Darling's eye twitched at the question.  "And we won't be there for at least another hour.  So stop asking me every five minutes if we're there yet!"

"Ah!  This is the life, isn't it sir?" George smiled as they drove through the countryside covered with fields and the odd horse or cow.  "Fresh air, cool breeze, the sun on your face.  Just makes you forget about the war altogether doesn't it?"

"Yes if you ignore the shell craters, wrecked planes and bombed out buildings everywhere," Darling quipped as they passed a destroyed house.  "We may be behind the lines here Lieutenant but the Germans are more than capable of launching bombing raids into the French interior."

"You think there's a chance that they'll bomb me while I'm here sir?" Baldrick asked.

"Only if I'm lucky," Darling grumbled.  "Then again if I was lucky I wouldn't be going on this stupid trip."

"Really?  I thought you were looking forward to getting away for the weekend," George commented.

"I would be if the reasons for the trip were mine to make," Darling cursed looking at the map.

"What would those reasons be sir?" Baldrick inquired.

"I'll tell you, but you must promise not to tell anyone about this.  Especially Captain Blackadder.  Got it?" Darling glared at him.

"Got it," Baldrick agreed.

"Don't worry sir, my lips are zipped!" George mimicked doing so.

"If only," Darling groaned setting the map aside.  "Here's the situation.  I'm going to visit my cousin.  He's French."

"French?" George repeated.  "I didn't know you had any French blood in you sir."

"I don't!" Darling snapped.  "He's a very distant French cousin.  Very distant.  Our families branched off sometime before the Napoleonic Era, I think."

"That's pretty distant," George blinked.

"Anyway, due to family reunions I've known him nearly my entire life," Darling explained.  "Unfortunately, he's a bit unstable and doesn't really connect to anyone except me.  His mother sent a telegram asking me to come and visit for a while and since my mother heard of it she insisted I go."

"Well that's jolly nice of her," George grinned.  "Aren't mothers wonderful?"

"Yes, wonderful at making my life a living nightmare," Darling hissed angrily.

"I love my mum," Baldrick piped up from the back.  "She always made sure I had enough to eat.  If she couldn't buy or beg any food she'd go garbage diving.  If that didn't work she'd bring home a couple of old leather shoes for dinner.  She'd even chew them for me first so they'd be nice and soft.  Sometimes there'd still be a foot inside the shoe so she'd throw it in a pot and..."

"Okay Private, that's enough of that," Darling looked a little green.

"And she was always giving me good advice," Baldrick continued.  "Like 'Never trust men with beards' and 'Tell someone before you clean a chimney' or 'Maggots make good butter substitute'."

"Shut up Private!" Darling shouted and nearly hit a fence post.

"Watch it sir.  I think you're getting a little tense," George warned.

"No, you think?" Darling snapped.

"Hmmm.  Try sticking you head out the side and getting a good breath of fresh air," George demonstrated taking off his hat.  "Oh I say this is fun!  Look at me!  Wheeeeee!"

"Get your empty head back in the car Lieutenant before something comes by and knocks it off!" Darling growled.  "On the other hand, wait a few seconds.  There's a stone gatepost up ahead.  I think I can get a good angle on it..."

"Maybe you'd like Baldrick you give you a good shoulder massage," George suggested.  "How about it Balders?"

"I'd be happy to comply sir," Baldrick started to reached forward.

"Lay one hand on me Private and I'll cut them off, make you eat one and the Lieutenant the other!" Darling warned.

"On second thought, we'll find something else." George gulped as Baldrick retracted his hands.  "Like...like this scenery," George swept his arm in a grand arc.  "Just look at it.  Blue sky, white clouds, golden fields.  Not another human being in sight.  Doesn't it give you some pleasant thoughts sir?"

"Yeah, I could shoot both of you, leave you here and no one would find your bodies for hours," Darling muttered dangerously.

"I know.  How about listening to the wireless for a while?" George asked.  "That'll relax you.  Get some of the tension out."

"What wireless?" Darling gave him a look.  "This is an automobile, not an electronics shop.  There's as likely to be a wireless in here as there is a motion picture machine on an aeroplane.  Having a wireless in a car, like that'll ever happen!"

"I meant this wireless sir," George said pulling out a radio.

"What?!" Darling yelped and nearly ran off the road.  "Where did you get that?"

"Well I didn't know how long the ride would take so I nabbed it off General Melchett's desk before we left," George explained.

"YOU STOLE THE GENERAL'S WIRELESS?!" Darling screamed.

"Oh I'm just borrowing it," George waved.  "I'm sure he won't mind."

"Of course he'll mind you idiot!" Darling snapped.  "Put it away now before you break it!"

"Don't worry sir, I'll be extremely careful," George assured him.  "Now let's see, how do you turn it on?"  He started fiddling with the radio.

"Stop that!" Darling tried to grab the radio from him.

"No, no, it's alright," George pulled away.  "I got it, I got it, I..." the car hit a bump and the radio went sailing over the side.  "I don't got it."

CRASH!

"AAAHHHHHH!" Darling hit the breaks and leapt out of the car.  "How could you be so stupid?!  You broke the General's wireless...YAAAHHHHHH!" He bent down and examined the door frame.  "A SCRATCH!  You scratched the General's car when you dropped it!"

"I did not!" George protested folding his arms.  "I only dropped the wireless.  I couldn't drop the car since I wasn't even holding it."

"Where is it?!"  Darling scrambled around on his hands and knees looking for the radio.  "Where did it go?!  Where did it go?!"

"There it is sir," Baldrick pointed back where the radio lay in the middle of the road.

"Thank goodness!" Darling exclaimed.  "It's still mostly intact so there's a chance it can be put back together.

"MOO!"

Three dozen large French cows crossed the road where the radio lay and trampled it beneath their feet.

SMASH!  CRUNCH!  TINKLE!

"NOOOOOO!" Darling screamed and ran towards the cows.  "GET OFF THE GENERAL'S WIRELESS YOU BLOATED BAGS OF BEEF!  THAT'S AN ORDER!"

"MOO-OOOOOO!"

"WHAT THE...OW!  OW!  OW!" Darling shrieked at the now angry herd of cows.  "YEOOOWWW!  THAT HURTS!  WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING?!  OW!  COME OVER AND HELP ME!  OW!  OW!  I'M BEING MAULED BY MAD COWS!  NO!  WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN IT...AAAIIIEEEEEE!"

"Come on Balders.  Let's go help out the Captain," George said as he got out of the car.

"That wasn't so bad now was it sir?" George asked later when they were all back in the car driving down the road.

"Be...quiet," Darling managed to speak despite the throbbing in his jaw and the lump on his tongue.  He also had a black eye, a swollen ankle and was covered in cuts and bruises.

"We did get the wireless back," George pointed out and looked in the box on his lap.  "Well at least I think we got it all back.  All the pieces we could find anyway.  But don't worry sir.  I'm sure we'll meet someone who can fix it for us."

"Grrrrrr..." Darling gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white.

"And I got a souvenir!" Baldrick happily held up a cow horn.

"Where did you get that Private?" George asked.

"Well I went up to one of the cows that was beating on the Captain," Baldrick explained.  "It turned towards me and took a good whiff.  Then its horns fell off and the cow shot off at a dead run across the field."

"I see," George nodded.  "Must have liked you and left them as a gift."

"Awww, that's sweet sir.  What a nice, pretty cow," Baldrick stroked the cow horn lovingly.

"Oh geeze," Darling moaned.  "Let's end this meeting of the Cow Lovers Club and just be quiet for the rest of the trip."

"Whatever you say sir," George grinned.  "Not a peep from now on."

"Thank goodness," Darling groaned.  "Alright we're approaching the next town.  Where's the map?"

"What map sir?" Baldrick asked.

"The map, Private!" Darling shouted.  "The big sheet of paper with lines and names on it showing us where to go!"

"The big sheet of paper with lines and names on it," Baldrick repeated.

"Yes Private," Darling hissed dangerously.  "That's the map."

"Ah," Baldrick said.  "Uh-oh."

"Uh-oh?" Darling twitched.  "What do you mean uh-oh?"

"Well I didn't want the cows attaching me when I got out, and my mum always said that giving animals something to eat is a sign of friendship so..." Baldrick began.

"YOU FEED THE MAP TO THOSE COWS?!" Darling yelled.

"I didn't know it was the map," Baldrick protested.  "And it felt kinda like an old, dried up piece of cabbage.  Kinda like the ones my mum used to feed me."

"Perfect!  Just perfect!" Darling moaned hitting his head against the wheel. "And to think I thought this car ride would be the quietest part of the trip."