Falling Away With You Chapter 1: Falling Away With You, a grey's anatomy fanfic

A/N: Okay so yeah...I know I'm nuts. That last thing I need is yet another story. But frankly...it should be okay cause this is just a two or three shot. The idea of the story comes from the season four finale. What if there had been more to the clinical trial than meets the eye. What kind of chaos would have ensued then. And what happens when Derek finds out.

Disclaimer: I don't own grey's or any of its characters!

Falling Away With You

Chapter 1

Meredith tried desperately to match Derek's stride as he stormed through the halls of Seattle Grace's surgical floor. As they approached the nurse's station after Jeremy's surgery, tensions were higher than ever between them. They had just delivered the devastating news to Jeremy's girlfriend, and it honestly broke both of their hearts to stand there and watch Beth break down. It was clear that Meredith and Derek were in disagreement about what to do next. As she watched the flatline take over the electrocardiogram in surgery, it was clear that Meredith's hopes had fallen further than ever before. The board made it clear that they planned to shut them down at midnight after their trial had produced twelve deaths. As she thought about the coming consequences, Meredith couldn't allow herself or Derek to give up. Not when she had put so much energy into the creation of the trial. And now, Meredith had basically exhausted everything she had left. They had one more shot left to get it right.

I can't remember when it was good

moments of happiness elude

maybe I just misunderstood

"Derek," Meredith sighed, "We'll get it right with Beth."

"She just lost the love of her life," Derek said angrily, losing patience with her, "How could you possibly encourage her to do the surgery?"

"How could you encourage her not to?" Meredith returned indignantly.

"You know?" Derek shot back, "It's not me with the big ego, it's you! You backed me into a corner. What was I supposed to do, say no?"

"Derek," Meredith sighed, losing faith. She held tightly onto the manila folder in her hand, as if her life depended on it.

"I can't," Derek, said as she slammed his chart down onto the counter, "She's a kid."

"She's a kid who is going to die without the surgery," Meredith argued, refusing to back down. She couldn't give up. Not now.

"She'll die with the surgery," Derek spoke just as angrily. He wasn't sure what he was really so angry about. "That's what you and I do. We kill things...over and over and over again. We've killed twelve people. And because of you, I am not going to kill a thirteenth. The trial is over. We're done." Meredith stared at him in disbelief as she listened to what he had to say. It hurt immensely to hear what he really thought of her...of them. "I'm done working with you," Derek said finally, "I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. We're done." Meredith took a deep breath before speaking.

"So that's it," Meredith spoke softly, patiently. "That's what you think of me..."

"Meredith," Derek spoke as he took a deep breath and calmed down. He immediately regretted what he had just voiced. He knew that many of his feelings were turned inwardly. If he was honest with himself from the beginning, he would have known that he was far more angry and disappointed with himself than he was with Meredith.

"You know," Meredith breathed, "You can think whatever you want to about me. And honestly, you can say whatever you'd like to say to me, because you know that I'll just stand here and take it from you… I'm even quite good at doing it now. But Derek, that won't change the fact that there are people out there who are depending on you. There are people who are going to die without this trial. And frankly, I didn't expect you to be the kind of person to let them down. But obviously, I was wrong about you." With that Meredith turned away from him and began to walk briskly down the hall. Derek watched as Meredith chucked the manila folder she had been holding into the trash before rushing down the hall and out of sight.

all of the love we left behind

watching the flash backs intertwine

memories I will never find

As Derek stood in the scrub room preparing for surgery three hours later, he felt extremely nervous for what was about to come. Beth had declared that she wanted the surgery, and ultimately, Derek had found Meredith to be right. There was no way that he could possibly deny Beth the surgery. Not when, realistically, it was her only option. He let out a sigh as he watched Meredith wheel Beth into the Operating Room. He looked down at his hands to find they were shaking.

When he walked into the Operating Room a couple of moments later, he found himself walking up to Beth who had been positioned on the table.

"Hey," he greeted softly.

"Hey," Beth replied in a whisper.

"You know you don't have to do this," Derek found himself speaking as he looked around the room to find Meredith cowering somewhere in the back corner.

"What are you," Beth teased, "Scared?"

"Yes," Derek answered honestly.

"Me too," Beth confessed, "But let's just leap, okay?" Derek nodded. And gave the signal to the nurse who began the anesthesia.

For the next hour, Meredith watched from a distance as Derek operated. She had decided to respect his wishes. However, as time slowly ticked by, Meredith found it increasingly difficult to focus on what was going on before her. Her hear began to pound heavily in her chest as the pain in her head returned with a vile fury. Beads of sweat began to gather on her forehead and slowly roll down her cheeks as she stood in the cool operating room. She found herself wiping them away as she tried to place her thoughts elsewhere. She squinted in the dim light as she grabbed at her stomach, which had become suddenly upset. She managed to suppress a moan. Meredith felt as George inched carefully into place behind her and gently grazed her elbow.

"You okay?" she heard him whisper softly as he maintained the contact.

"Fine," Meredith lied through gritted teeth. She couldn't bear to utter more than just the one word for fear that the truth would come out. She closed her eyes as she felt the room began to spin. George was growing increasingly worried. From where had been watching her periodically from the gallery, he had noticed something wasn't quite right. He knew his friend was sick.

"Mere, Did you forget to take your pain meds?" George whispered ever more closer in her ear.

"Drop it," Meredith muttered as Derek's head turned their direction. His eyes were soft as they fell upon Meredith.

"Dr. Grey," Derek's soft voice seemed to beckon her. She took a staggered step forwards. She could tell that he wanted to reconcile with her as his eyes bore into hers. She suddenly realized that it was time to inject the virus. Meredith froze in step as a rather gruesome shooting pain overtook one side of her skull. She found her hand subconsciously grabbing at the back of her head. "Dr. Grey?" Derek tried again with a bit of confusion in his tone.

so I'll love whatever you become

and forget the reckless things we've done

I think our lives have just begun

Meredith took another step forwards, and immediately realized this to be a grave mistake. Her vision blurred as tears sprang to her eyes. The pain seemed to light every bit of her on fire. "Dr. Grey," Derek spoke more forcibly as he watched her. "Meredith!" Her name was the last thing Meredith heard as her knees buckled as she fell to the floor. Her knees struck the floor first before George could catch her by the arms, and lower her the rest of the way to a lifeless crumpled position on the floor.

She could hear faint yells coming from around her as George turned her over and began to check her pulse. "She's hypotensive," George bellowed as Bailey rushed in with a gurney. Derek watched in absolute horror as Rose and a few others gently lifted Meredith onto the gurney. He felt panic overtake him as Bailey placed a flow of oxygen over her passages.

"What's happening?" Derek's quivering voice boomed through the operating room.

"I've got it Dr. Shepherd," Bailey asserted as she rushed out of the room with George. He watched without breathing as they ran down the hall.

and I'll feel my world crumbling

I'll feel my life crumbling

I'll feel my soul crumbling away

and falling away

falling away with you

When Derek rushed out of the emergency room after Beth's surgery with the intent of finding Meredith, he ran straight into his best friend.

"What happened?" Derek breathed as he ripped off his scrub cap and squeezed it in a tight crumpled mess in his hands.

"I…" Mark shook his head. "I don't know. Bailey and the chief are with her now in the ICU. She's not waking up. They're stlll trying to revive her." Derek swallowed hard as he ran down the periphery of the hall, trying to avoid all attendants in the way. He felt tears spring to his eyes as he thought of the last things he had spoken to her. As he turned the corner into the next hall, he felt himself colliding with a poorly placed trashcan. It tipped over with a large thud and papers and other debris littered the floor. Derek came to a halt, and quickly ran his hand over the linoleum, trying to collect the debris in order to throw it back in the bin. He froze as his eyes flitted across a paper, stamped with a name he recognized.

Derek felt his throat grow dry as he picked up the paper and scanned over the black and white ink frantically. His eyes fell on a smooth piece of film that also littered the floor. It was from the same source. Derek picked up the manila folder, along with the sheet and rushed into an empty nearby exam room. He slammed the film he collected into place, and turned on the light. What he saw then horrified him. He ceased to breath as his eyes fell on the Neural Glioma evident in the MRI films, and then on the name that graced the film neatly on it's edges. Meredith Elizabeth Grey.

"Oh my god," Derek choked out as he felt his heart cease to beat. What he was experiencing seemed unreal. Almost like the worst nightmare imaginable.

"She lied to me," Derek thought in disbelief as his eyes flitted back and forth to all of the evidence in front of him. And then he finally understood. He now knew about why she had been so emotionally invested in the trial. It was because she needed him to find a way save her...without him ever knowing that's what he was doing... Because she more than likely knew that he wouldn't have be able to put his feelings aside. Not when it involved her. Derek closed his eyes as his head dropped into his hands. He should have known better. Because everyone knows that there is always something more to things than meets the eye. He felt the air in the room grow unbelievably cold as the chief walked slowly up behind him.

"I…I'm sorry," Richard uttered as he placed his hand softly on Derek's shoulder. "You weren't supposed to find out like this."

"When?" Derek choked out, "When was I supposed to find out?"

"She was…" Derek heard his boss lose control of his steady voice and turned to find a man as broken as himself, "Meredith wanted to tell you after you figured it out…after you found a treatment." Derek raked his hand through his hair.

"How long ago were these taken?" Derek breathed as he thought of the last few months.

"Derek," Webber sighed.

"How long...How long has she been hiding this from me?" Derek asked as he choked on his breath.

"That was the most recent scan," his boss revealed, "I think it was taken 3 weeks ago."

"Three weeks?" Derek whispered as he shook his head. "This is what her MRI looked like three weeks ago?"

"I'm so sorry," Webber apologized as he watched Derek wipe frantically at his eyes.

"You're sorry?" Derek choked out indignantly. "You're sorry?!" Derek let out a strangled sound. "God!..." his voice was high pitched and foreign sounding, "Is that supposed to make me feel better?!" Derek spoke as he chucked something across the room.

"Derek…" Richard tried softly.

"No!" Derek screamed, "Don't! You knew! You knew she was sick and you didn't tell me!"

"And just what was I supposed to do?" Webber yelled back. "You alienated her from you. And I …Meredith was trying to make it so you never even had to know. Derek, she isn't ready to leave yet."

"The trial didn't work!" Derek cried. "It's not working! How am I?... How am I supposed to do this?"

"You're not," Webber finally breathed. "Accept it, Derek. The trial was unsuccessful. There's nothing you can do."

"No," Derek shook his head. "There…there has to be something that I can do. Maybe I…maybe I gave up too easily. There's still Beth. I…I can't believe that it's over. Not yet."

"Derek," Webber sighed as he tried to come to terms with the reality. "It's too late. Now…now it's time for you to go say goodbye. You need to say goodbye to Meredith."

"No," Derek shook his head, "I won't…I won't say goodbye to Meredith. I can't…I can't ever lose her." They both turned as the door was wrenched open. Derek stood frozen in place as Rose stood in the doorway.

"Dr. Webber?" she stuttered as she gave a fleeting glance towards Derek.

"Yes, Rose?" he replied.

"Uh…I'm sorry to bother you," she continued to speak unevenly, "but Dr. Bailey wanted me to tell you that umm…" She finally ceased her babbling and uttered two words that sent Derek's world spinning even more upside down. "It's Meredith…she's awake." With those two words, Derek bolted from the room faster than he had ever done so before. Rose stood stock still as she watched Derek rush past her without a second thought, and rush down the hall towards the ICU.

staying awake to chase a dream

tasting the air you're breathing in

I know I won't forget a thing

Derek skidded to a halt just outside of the door to Meredith's room a moment later, where Bailey stood guarding the door.

"Let me in," Derek spoke in a strong voice, his eyes conveying the unbearable amount of pain he was truly in.

"Derek…" Bailey sighed, "I…I can't."

"No," Derek shook his head. "I don't think you understand. I have…" Derek began to lose his composure. "I have to see her." Bailey looked over towards the surrounding staff and let out a sigh.

"Okay," she conceded. "But Derek, it's bad. She's in pain. And she suffered a series of massive seizures. Meredith more than likely won't make it through the night." Derek swallowed.

"Not if I do the surgery," Derek spoke in a stern voice. He refused to give up now. It wasn't an option.

"Dr. Shepherd," Bailey tried to hold back the tears that came anyways, "All she wants now is to go in peace. She's on strong medicine. I can promise you that she won't suffer." Derek swallowed as he pushed down on the handle and walked inside. The room was dark as he walked slowly inside and padded across the bleached white floors. He sat down next to her bed. She looked so fragile and small. Derek found himself holding his breath as reached out and gently brushed her soft blonde hair from her face. He waited patiently as she slowly opened her eyes. She tried to smile for him, but instead it came across as some sort of grimace. And it broke his heart.

"Mere," Derek's voice was broken.

"Hey," Meredith exhaled weakly, before taking another breath. She closed her eyes as he grabbed her hand. And Derek let out a sob as he leant over the mattress of the bed and buried his face in her lap. "Der," Meredith panted again as she opened her eyes once again to watch him with a pained expression on her delicate features.

promise to hold you close and pray

watching the fantasies decay

nothing will ever stay the same

"Don't go," Derek whispered over and over again. "Mere, I love you. Please don't go." Meredith felt her heart break. There was nothing more that she wanted than to stay with him forever.

"I'm sorry," Meredith, muttered as she closed her eyes and choked on her breath, "But maybe…maybe it's better this way. This way I can't kill things anymore." Derek let out a sob as he thought of what her words implied. Meredith closed her eyes once more as she took a deep breath of oxygen. She found that her eyes hurt, even in the dim lighting of the room she was in.

"That's," Derek struggled, "That's not true." He clung to her even tighter. "You'll kill me. Without you…without you, I'll just die."

"Derek," Meredith sighed, wishing she could just reach out with her right hand and run it through his curls. "There is something more out there for you. Something better than me… It's just that you have to find it."

"No," Derek shook his head. "Just…have the surgery, Mere. Have the surgery and we can fix this. Please…." Derek begged with everything he had left. "Please…"

"No. There's no point," Meredith cried sadly, "It won't work." Derek watched as the first tears leaked from her eyes. Tears of sadness and guilt and about a million other things grazed his own cheeks.

"I… We don't know that," Derek argued in a choked breath, "With Beth…there's still a chance. She just has to wake up, and then... Then we'll know."

"Der," Meredith swallowed, "I'm so sorry." She spoke honestly, the words coming from her heart. He felt his heart break all over again as he realized just what she was apologizing for.

"Why?" Derek choked out in a scratchy voice as he clutched at his chest, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Would it honestly have mattered?" Meredith responded sadly.

all of the love we threw away

all of the hopes we cherished fade

making the same mistakes again

"I…I don't know," Derek replied as he swallowed over the lump in his throat. It felt so unbelievably constricted. "Maybe…"

"Don't lie to yourself," Meredith reprimanded. "Derek, I love you. You know that if there was a way…"

"If you love me," Derek pleaded, "If you love me, then you have to let me try. One last time." Derek could no longer contain any of his emotions. "You have to let me try," Derek ordered as a group of onlookers lurked in the doorway.

"Derek," Meredith felt her chest tighten as she was struck by the weight of her emotions. She knew he wasn't going to be able to let her go. Not like this.

"Sign this," Derek shoved a consent form that had been lying on the counter nearby onto her lap. "Just consent and I…We'll do this." He waited on baited breath as she looked down at the form but didn't move.

"Mere?" his voice cracked finally.

"I…" Meredith stuttered, "I can't."

"What?" Derek's voice was still rough. "Mere," Derek asserted, "You can... Please! Please..."

"I can't write anymore," she breathed with a pause. "I can't move my right hand." Derek closed his eyes and a series of fresh tears leaked out. He opened them once more and placed the pen in her left. "Come on…" he begged as the pen hovered above the dotted line. She looked into his deep blue eyes for what seemed like forever, and Derek watched as the pen slowly began to work its way over the surface of the paper. He silently thanked whoever was watching over them.

"Okay," Derek breathed as he took the paper from her with great relief and determination. "Okay. Let's do this."

"Derek," Meredith coughed, "If…if I don't make it. I need you to know…"

I can feel my world crumbling

I can feel my life crumbling

I can feel my soul crumbling away

and falling away

falling away with you

"Don't," Derek pleaded, not sure if he could handle what she was about to say. "Meredith…I'm serious..."

"In my life…" she continued after a breath, "There has only been one person…"

"Meredith," Derek cried.

"I need to say this," she replied forcefully, "Look, the only reason I pushed you away..."

"Please," Derek begged, his heart shattering under her confession.

"The only reason that I didn't know how to be around you," Meredith said as more tears began to leak from her eyes.

"Mere," Derek breathed, "Please. It's time. We have to go."

"It's because I love you…so much. So much that it scares me. So much that I don't know how to…" At this point Derek cut her off.

"I know…" Derek nodded as he kissed her, "I know." He felt his heart break as Meredith kissed him back weakly. "I love you so much," Derek breathed.

"My will is in the bottom drawer of my dresser," Meredith gasped as she gazed at the others who collected in the doorway. Her friends looked nothing short of devastated as they waited for things to play out. They weren't ready to lose their friend and co-worker, either.

"No," Derek shook his head, "You don't get to do this…"

"If I don't make it…" Meredith choked, "We'll find each other. Derek, we'll always find each other." With that, she closed her eyes. Derek took the breaks off of her bed as Bailey, who had witnessed the whole conversation, rushed into the room. The residents moved quickly from the doorway as they began to help Derek move Meredith quickly.

"We have to go now," Derek yelled as they began the frantic race to the O.R.

all of the love we've left behind

watching the flash backs intertwine

memories I will never find