Alright. So, recently, I was bored. Like, really bored. And then, I had some toast. But it was really bland. So I put some jam on it. And then-

Roshi: Hikari!

Right! Anyways! I was bored, and going into yaoi withdrawel, so I decided to wander over to the Bartimaeus Trilogy part of this side. And discovered, much to my thrill, that NathanielxBartimaeus had begun to spread like wildfire! So I fell in love with the pairing all over again, and the series. Then I went into my folders and found this unfinished peice of...'whatthefuckness' which I had started one night while hyped up on to much sugar and lack of sleep. So I finished it, and decided to upload it! And here we are!

Roshi: Warning - we are not responsible for any mental scarring you may and probably will suffer from reading the following. There's lot of OC-ness, and randomness, and jumping all over the place, and writers comments, and yaoi. Well, not that much yaoi, except near the end where my hikari got really tired of dragging the story out.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bartimaeus, NathImean John Mandrake, Farqual, Disco's, Grocery Store's, brooms...and lots of other things in the following story. Do not sue me for copyright infrigement, nor for brain damage that you will sustain upon reading the below passage. Thank you, have a nice day

It was a sunny day in sunsville. No, it's not really called sunsville. I'm just too damn lazy to look up the actual name. So it shall now be dubbed sunsville, got it? Okay, anyway's! It was a sunny day and everyone's favourite djinni's (except for those of you whom like Farqual better. Weirdos. Who likes Farqual? I mean honestly! :here the author is swapped for getting off task:)

Right! So our favourite djinni(except for those who-:swapped again: GAH!) Fine! Bartimaeus, the sexiest of all djinni's in my mind at least was out doing another tedious task assigned by Nat-I mean John. Yeah, John Mandrake. What a crappy name…

Pausing in his grocery shopping(yes that was the task. Come'on, who doesn't hate grocery shopping?) the djinni gazed up at the ceiling. "Oi, talking voice, are you quite done being stupid? I want to get this pointless thing over with so I can go harass Nat-I mean John."

Sorry! Yes, I'm done. Please, continue. I'll just…sit here in the corner. And eat nachos.

"Alrighty then." Ignoring the many strange looks he was getting (for one, how many times do you see an Egyptian boy in full Egyptian garb walking around grocery shopping? And he was talking to the ceiling. Nuff said) Bartimaeus strolled over to the check-out counter and proceeded to stack the food on it. (Hey, has everyone else noticed that no grocery stores have ever been mentioned in the books? I mean, they mentioned a fast food joint, but no grocery stores to be found. Huh.)

"Didn't we talk about this!?" He snapped angrily at the ceiling and I sweat dropped, having realized I was rambling…again.

Sorry! I called back, yet again, praying he would be satisfied. Cause angry djinni's are hella scary. There was this one time…:swapped by Yuko: Oi!

Muttering darkly to himself about annoying voices, the djinni snatched his groceries and stalked out of the store. Only to run into the person whom I was rambling about earlier. How he got there, we'll never know. Not that we can't ask. :winks:

"Farqual!" Bartimaeus screamed, pointing accusingly at the poor confused djinni who had just been run into while minding his own business. (Wait, did I just call him poor!? I must be not getting enough sleep…:swapped again: Oi!)

"Bartimaeus!" Farqual screamed, pointing accusingly at the other djinni in return. The two stood there for an annoyingly long amount of time, doing nothing but wave their fingers at each other. How amusingly boring. Like watching paint dry or toenails grow.

"Oi, you kids get off of my lawn!" The grocery store owner yelled, running out of his store and waving his broom at them threateningly.

"Shit, brooms! RUN!" The two djinni's bolted; after all, who's not terrified of brooms. Those things hurt!

And suddenly I realized that it's impossible to come up with a good plot in a grocery store. So thus the groceries that Bartimaeus bought disappeared mysteriously and suddenly they where at…let's say…a skating rink.

"Whaaa-ARGH!" Farqual slammed face-first into the side of the rink. Can't say I blame him; not everyday you appear on a giant slate of ice while in mid-run.

Bartimaeus, however, was much more graceful and managed to stop himself without using the wall as breaks. Unfortunately it didn't matter because he wound up on the ice anyway's, laughing hysterically at Farqual's misfortune.

"Damn it Bartimaeus! Shut up before I shove my foot up your ass!" Farqual snarled, drawing a horrified scream from the djinni as he sprang to his feet and scrambled away.

"Stay away from me you pervert!" Bartimaeus shrieked, jabbing a finger at a rather miffed djinni. Gees, talk about over-reactive…

"Shut up you!" This time the finger was jabbed at the ceiling; thus receiving any attention that wasn't already on the two of them. (I mean, a fat cook and an Egyptian boy appeared out of thin air, the cook slammed into a wall, then threatened to sexually assault the Egyptian Boy who freaked out then began yelling at the ceiling….O_O Wow…No one hit me! :swapped by slow moving frying pan: OW!)

"I'm surrounded by nutcase's…" Bartimaeus muttered, having obviously forgotten about the sexual assault of Farqual.

This drew a roll of the eyes from mentioned cook. "You're such a baby Bartimaeus. Really; it's not like there's some weird stalker chick trying to win your affections only to have her plans thwarted by an equally weird chick who wants to get you and your summoner together."

A long, long silence – the crickets took part by chirping quietly in the background.

"…why do I suddenly have the horrible feeling someone's trying to get me together with Nat-I mean John?" Bartimaeus asked in a rather freaked out voice; Farqual only shuddered in response.

"The Mole People are after my lucky charms!" A weird silver-haired girl with a matching set of wolf ears and wolf tail shrieked as she ran by, skidded on the ice, slammed into a wall, and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Another long silence followed, broken only by the sharp intakes of breath that announced Bartimaeus was starting to hyperventilate.

That's about the time I realized this skit was a complete waste of everyone's time, so I needed to add something funny and pointless. Because so far everything had been of dry humour or lacking in yaoi.

So, for no reasonably explained reason, Farqual was suddenly wearing a hot pink dress and they were standing in the middle of a disco!

"What the heck!" Farqual shrieked in an unmanly way, head whipping around as he tried to find his bearings. Then he….exploded…and stuff….and….caught fire.

Letting out a small whimper of fright Bartimaeus edged into the darkest corner of the disco he could find, more then a little scared. (I mean, his companion just exploded and caught fire. How often does that happen?)

"Oi, Bartimaeus!" A familiar and rather harassed voice called to the mortified djinni, making him jump a good 20 feet in the air, cracking his head against the roof.

"I swear to the God I don't believe in, I didn't do it!" Was his first real response, entire body twitching violently.

Nathaniel blinked, hesitating before cautiously approaching the mentally distressed djinni. "Wholy shit Bartimaeus, you look like hell!"

Slowly Bartimaeus calmed down, recognizing his summoner. Of course, a djinni usually shouldn't relax when around their summoner, because one's summoner didn't usually show up unless the previously mentioned djinni had somehow done something wrong that thus required the summoner to show up and-:is beaten over head with a large stuffed trout- Ow Ow! Right, onwards!

In any case, Bartimaeus relaxed, because it was Natha-...John...Mr Mandrake, and really, who the heck was scared of John? With his greasy hair, and terrible fashion sense, and desires to get in bed with his djinni...

"WHAT!?" Nathaniel yes I'm calling him Nathaniel because I've deduced John is far to...John..nie...ish..."Stop rambling! And I do NOT have ANY desires to get in bed with ANY of my djinni!" He screamed, jabbing a finger at the ceiling of the disco. Luckily, jabbing ones finger into the air was a normal thing to do in a disco, so nobody noticed. Except Bartimaeus, who didn't seem to know wether to be amused by my antics or disappointed that Nathaniel didn't want to get in bed with him.

"I notice you didn't deny the whole 'greasy hair' and 'terrible fashion sense' thing." Bartimaeus pointed out with a smirk, and Nathaniel's eye twitched. Then he returned the smirk, which was greatly disturbing, as Nathaniel was usually extremely strict and didn't find many things amusing.

"I notice you didn't deny the fact you were disappointed that I didn't want to get in bed with you." He responded in kind with an arrogant tone in his voice. A long silence followed, as Bartimaeus suddenly seemed to find the roof a thousand times more interesting then he had a few seconds ago. Which made sense, considering it was the roof of a disco, so there was lots of bright balls..and...and colourful lights...and...Ooooh...pretty...

Even at my lapse of sudden concentration, the story continued. "You...you aren't disappointed, right?" Nathaniel asked nervously, worried over Bartimaeus' sudden awkward silence. When he got no response, he seemed to take that as confirmation. "Oh my god."

"Look, Nat-boy!" Bartimaeus quickly rushed in, scared that he had upset his summoner. Which, obviously, he had. I mean, it's not every day that you find out you're djinni who's a three-thousand or something year old demon that moments ago seemed to have hated you're guts secretly had the desire to get into you're pants. "Shut up, I'm trying to keep him from going into hysteric-!...To late." Bartimaeus groaned as his summoner proceeded to curl up in a ball on the ground and rock back and forth whispering 'happy place' over and over to himself.

"Nathaniel." Bartimaeus addressed the other soothingly, kneeling down in front of him but being careful not to actually touch him, as that would have ended badly. Probably a heart attack, if Nathaniel's current state of 'whatthefuck'ness. "Look, calm down. Breath with me. In, out." He coached, and suddenly I got this mental image of Bartimaeus standing in the middle of a football field wearing a white and blue ball cap with a whistle around his neck yelling at a bunch of students who all resembled Nathaniel to drop and give him fifty...:smacked over head with what appears to be a large inflatable duck eating a bagel:

After a moment of gentle encouragement from Bartimaeus, Nathaniel managed to regain control of his air passage and started breathing normally. Oh, he also stopped rocking, much to the disco people's disappointment, as he was starting to get really good at it....:hit over the head with a bad pun banana:

Right, right! Anyhow's; Bartimaeus decided to try and calm Nathaniel's panic. "Look, Nathaniel, as I was saying...I understand if you don't return my feelings. Really." A moments pause. "...By the way, I blame the writer totally and completely for the fact I have been acting horribly out of character this entire story."

Mmm...Now's when I start to wonder how many times the fourth wall's been broken, beaten, defiled, and mangled in this story...then promptly decide that I haven't the patience to go count for myself.

"It's not.." Nathaniel started, then paused, breathing deeply. "I was just..taken by surprise, that's all." He responded slowly; here's where we all imagine Kitty exploding...Or...Maybe that's just me...I don't like her, alright? It's not even that she's the 'girl-in-the-way-of-my-yaoi-pairing'. She just grates me the wrong way. She seems really annoying and whiny to me, which is so cliche it isn't even funny!

"Stop rambling!" Bartimaeus and Nathaniel both screamed at the same time, resulting in me trailing off into a mumbled mess of letters, numbers, and various references to Raven.

"Moving on..you mean you don't mind?" Bartimaeus asked. Way to jump right back on that horse, Bartimaeus! "...I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that." Okay.

"No, I.." Nathaniel trailed off yet again, a faint blush dusting his cheeks, eyes gazing down at his fisted hands. "I..." Uncertainly he raised his eyes to look into those of the djinni sitting across from him, who was watching him with confusion and perhaps the faintest hint of hope.

"..Woah, woah, woah. Did you just..say an entire paragraph that made sense?" Bartimaeus asked, successfully destroying the mood I had been trying to build. Way to go. Ass. "If you want to get literate, I suggest you go write a different story. It's a bit late for that no-" He started.

Then, because I was getting tired of this story and really just wanted it to end - and I didn't want to have to argue with him since his intellect is obviously far more superior then mine, Nathaniel tackled him and proceeded to kiss him passionately.

Bartimaeus was more then happy to forget whatever the hell was just being discussed and responded just as heatedly. Amazingly, no one in the disco noticed when various articles of clothing started smacking the dancers on the heads. Not even the dancers themselves.

All in all, it was a sunny day in sunsville...until it started to rain.

Fin

And I'm done. Forever.

....

Until the sequal

Roshi: Oh dear god and the heavens above, no!

R&R, if you would be so kind!...PS: R&R means Read and Review. Just in case you didn't know that. Lord knows how long it took me to figure that one out