Harmony and Healing

Disclaimer: I do not own criminal Minds.

'And there is even a happiness that makes the heart afraid' ~ Thomas Hood.

XXXXX

"Nearly finished," called the tech from the other room, "Just stay completely still a few more minutes". Reid remained lying still. He just had to hold out a little bit longer. He closed his eyes and tried not to move a muscle. The machine that enveloped him was bright and noisy and a little claustophobic.

"We're finished," announced the tech. Slowly the table eased out of the scanning machine with Spencer laid out on it.

"Alright Dr Reid, you're finished, you can go ahead and get dressed now,"

Spencer sat up and licked his lips, It was so cold and dry in this room, of course it might have something to do with him wearing nothing but a light cotten hospital gown.

"When will I hear the results ?" he said to the empty room.

"Your Doctor will probably call you in about a week, have a good day?"

And that was it. The past week Reid had been having numerous tests to see if his treatment had truly worked. This last one had been a full body scan, for some reason, this one scared him the most. His oncologist was very optimistic, Reid was just scared; what if he had gone through all ths and the cancer was still lurking somewhere. He tried to shake that thought from his mind, he quickly put his clothes on and left the clinic and headed home.

He hadn't told anyone about this round of tests because he didn't feel much like being asked 'How did the tests go' every fifteen minutes or seeing that look on their faces when they knew he was going through something. He would wait til all results were in and inform them accordingly.

Tomorrow he was going back to work. Steven Bennet had already left, much to the disappointment of Erin Strauss. Everyone had wished Bennet well but were excited to have their Spencer back. Garcia wanted to mark it with some sort of party but was talked down by her co-workers. They knew Reid would hate the attention.

Spencer arrived back at his apartment and headed straight to his bedroom and stripped off his clothes. This had become somewhat of a ritual for him. He scrutinized his nude body in the full length mirror. This examination had nothng to do with vanity for he was probably the least vain man in the world. He just felt he needed to check his body for any lumps or moles or anything that might cause the least bit of suspicion. He spent some time palpitating his lympth nodes. To him they felt normal, even his doctor had said so. Satisfied everything appeared somewhat normal he relaxed, at least until it was time to do it again.

He stood in front of the mirror a little longer than usual today. All he could see was a painfully thin frail man looking back at him. His hair was sparse and completely missing from his limbs and pubic area. What was on his head was thin and greasy looking. His complexion was pale and he wondered if his eyes would ever lose that haunted look that began years ago after his abduction by Tobias Hankle. He turned away from his reflection; he was thankful he was not in a relationship with anyone. It was bad enough his co-workers were stuck having to look at him. He dressed quickly and went to make his second pot of coffee of the day.

Reid was aware that his thoughts were becoming increasingly melancholy and wondered why this darkness seemed to be descending on him now, especially when things were finally headed in a positive direction. He put it down to exhaustion. He thought he would to take a long nap after he finished his coffee. Hopefully this leaden feeling would go away.

XXXX

Reid dream't of the woman again. He was standing in a large bright room full of people and noise and bright colours He saw her across a dance floor, she waved gaily at him and motioned for him to come closer. She wore a low cut tight dress that was the color of blood. As always she looked beautiful and frightening at the same time. He made his way through the crowd to get to her. The dancers parted easily for him . He reached her side

"Now we can dance " she whispered in his ear.

"There's no music," Spencer responded.

She laughed and her eyes burned into his "There's always music,"

She slid her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. The feel of her body against his made him feel slightly dizzy.

"Are you ready?" she asked him in her sultry voice.

Reid hesitated, unsure of his answer .

"ANSWER HER SPENCER," ordered a familiar female voice.

Reid turned and saw his mother standing impatiently off to his side. There were other people he knew there too. Gideon and his father stood behind her; they seemed to be handcuffed together.

"I don't dance," Gideon said.

"Me either," said his father.

He was about to respond when he saw Hotch and Rossi waltz across the floor in front of him. Morgan was there too but he danced alone. JJ spun by with Will, Garcia and Kevin jitterbugged across the floor at a furious pace. Reid was impressed with how high Kevin could toss Penelope in the air.

' Where is Emily? his dream self asked .

"Over there," the woman in his dream pointed across the room.

Sure enough Emily Prentiss stood on the other side of the dance floor looking beautiful and regal . She wore a high necked Ivory dress, in her hand she held a dance card. Spencer couldn't make out what was written on it. She was staring directly at him.

"Are you ready" the woman asked again.

Spencer nodded. "It's not going to be easy is it?" he said to her.

The woman threw back her head and laughed revealing her even white teeth. "Of course not, it never is"

Reid awoke with a start. It was time to go to work.

XXXXX

There was a sense of contained excitment in the BAU that morning. The entire floor knew Dr Reid was returning that day. The team had all arrived early, they didn't want to miss him coming in, even Strauss had poked her head in a time or two on some pretense. Garcia had been denied a party but it didn't stop her from baking the good doctor a large batch of his favourite cookies. Rossi suggested to Hotch that maybe a team dinner at his house would be appropriate after Spencer had settled in. Hotch shook his head, his pleas for everyone to behave as naturally as possible went unheeded. After all it wasn't like they never saw the young man, he said to JJ.

JJ explained that it was the first time in a long time that Spence would be back at work as a cancer free man. The old Spencer was back.

Hotch reminded her that they weren't entirely sure Reid was cancer free yet. JJ didn't like to think about the possible dark cloud that still hovered. over them. She was going to think positve and scolded the unit chief for not doing the same.

Hotch held his tongue. He remembered his father and how quickly his lung cancer had claimed him, but he also knew it wasn't fair to project his apprehension on his elated team members. Until they had reason to think otherwise, they might as well be happy.

JJ was the first to greet Reid when he came through the door, she put her arms around him and hugged him so hard he nearly lost balance.

"Save some for me JJ," said Garcia as she hustled over to grab Reid in a bear hug.

"Welcome back man," said Morgan grinning at the blushing embarassed agent.

Hotch stood back with Rossi and watched the spectacle taking place "Yes, everyone is behaving as normal as possible," he deadpanned.

Reid gave the two older men a shy wave as he made his way to his desk. Rossi gave him a thumbs up.

"Don't worry Aaron it will settle down," Rossi told him as he headed back to his office.

Reid felt a trifle overwhelmed. He sat at his desk in a stunned silence. Garcia had deposited a large tin of homemade cookies in his lap. He noticed one person hadn't greeted him. He looked around the room for her.

"Where's Prentiss?" he asked Morgan.

Morgan looked around the room and shrugged. "I dunno, in the bathroom I guess,"

Garcia frowned "That's odd, she was here a few minutes ago, " She shrugged her shoulders as well "Don't worry Reid, she'll probably be along in a minute. Now you must have a cookie with your coffee this morning. Morgan reached his hand toward the cookie tin only to have it smartly rapped by Garcia.

"Reid's cookies!" she admonished.

Spencer nodded as he took a bite. "You're not cookie worthy yet Morgan," he informed him.

"Cookie worthy?" Morgan repeated indignantly.

"Be careful Reid, the minute your back' s turned, chomp! half a dozen are gone," Garcia warned.

Morgan sighed, "You two are nuts."

Reid was enjoying the silly banter, he realized how much he had missed it. He looked up and saw Prentiss heading toward him, He thought she looked rather tense and drawn.

"You alright?" he asked in concern.

She smiled at him. "I am now," She leaned over and put her arms around him in a tight embrace.

The emotion he felt took him by surprise,"Here, have one of Garcia's cookies," he said suddenly as he shoved a cookie into her hand.

Morgan threw his hands in the air "Great!" and he headed back to his office.

Emily blinked "What's wrong with him?" she said with a mouthful of cookie.

Reid and Garcia burst out laughing.

XXX

The next few days went relatively well. The team still treated him with kid gloves, they went out to lunch together often and he noticed Garcia kept a watchful eye on the amount of food he ate. There was usually someone to drive him home and the other office members were strangely shy around him and approached him like he was some strange exotic bird they might scare away if they got too close.

He knew this was just some sort of honeymoon phase of his return, hopefully in a week or two Hotch would be cutting short his rants and others would be rolling their eyes at his lengthy statistics.

The first real challenge came when they were called out on a case. They flew to a northern part of florida where several bodies were found dumped along roadsides. The unsub was taunting the local police and claimed to have another victim.

It was extremely hot and the hours were long. Hotch insisted Reid stay in the air conditioned police station and work from there. He didn't mind as he was surprised he was feeling queasy from the jet.

A couple of days in some progress was made and the team was ready to give their profile. Hotch began, Reid felt singularly hot even with the AC on. His stomach was doing flip flops and his head felt like it was full of sodium bicarbonate. He tried to comcentrate on the profile as it switched to Rossi. Reid sat down on the edge of a desk hoping resting slightly would ease his nausea. No such luck, as quietly as he could he slipped out of the room and made a bee line to the bathroom. The door was locked, he rattled the doorknob and knocked.

"There's another john upstairs buddy," yelled a gruff male voice.

"Danm!" Reid whispered to himself, he found an exit and went out to a stairwell. His head was spinning now, he slumped down on the steps. Fortunately the stairwell was empty as most people used the elevator. He leaned over and put his head between his knees and took some deep breaths.

He didn't hear the door opening behind him and someone sitting down beside him.

"Reid?" said a gentle voice.

He looked up and saw Morgan, his face a mask of concern. Spencer tried to smile "Hi," was all he managed.

"The heat getting to you?" the older agent asked. He felt Morgan's hand on his back.

" Sorry Morgan, I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Maybe if i sit here a few minutes..."

"Kid, I'm taking you back to the hotel, I'll tell Hotch; it's ok he'll understand."

"No Morgan really."

" Shh, no arguments or I'll sick Penelope on you," Derek warned.

Reid made a face, "Well if you put it that way."

Derek stood and helped the young man to his feet.

"C'mon, lets go,"

Reluctantly Reid got up and let Morgan drive him back to the hotel. He was not happy, he felt like Reid the cancer patient again.

XXXX

Reid spent the rest of the day in his hotel room. He lay on his bed and cursed himself for what he thought was weakness. There wasn't much for him to do. He watched some inane tv programs, called room service and thankfully he got a few calls from the team to ask for advice on the case. He assured everyone he was fine, it was just the heat and he would be back on his feet tomorrow. He was afraid to think otherwise.

The darkness he was trying desperately to outrun was closing in on him again. He didn't want to think about the possibility his cancer might still be lurking in him somewhere, but try as he might his mind kept circling back to the same unhappy thoughts.

The team returned to the hotel late that night; everone stopped by to say goodnight except Hotch. He surprised Reid by showing up alone long after he thought everyone had gone to bed

"Reid, is it alright if I come in for a minute?" he asked.

Reid nodded and stood aside to let Hotch in, "Sure, is everything alright?"

Reid stuffed his hands in the pockets of his robe to hide his nervousness. He hoped Hotch wasn't about to tell him to go home.

"I need to know how you are feeling Reid , I mean really feeling."

"I'm... I'm fine like I said before."

Hotch knew he was lying. "You didn't feel so fine this afternoon,"

"A minor blip, I promise, I can do my job Hotch really,"

Hotch stared at him a moment, "Reid, is that what you think I'm worried about? I know you can do your job. It's you I'm concerned about. I'm afraid you'll try to over do it, take on too much before you're ready."

"Oh!" was all Spencer could say. This was not the speech he was expecting.

"Just be honest with me Reid. If a full workload gets to be a bit much, just tell me,"

Spencer sat down on the edge of his bed. Hotch was too good of a profiler to be satified with the 'I'm fine'

"I guess I'm not 100 percent yet. I felt dizzy at the police station and on the jet I felt airsick." He looked up at his superior with guilty eyes.

Hotch shook his head again, he was incredulous that Reid would think he would be upset by this.

"You don't have to hide how you feel. You can tell me anything you know," he said softly.

"Thank you," Reid murmured.

The unit chief turned to leave when he remembered the what he had wanted to ask Spencer.

"Reid, this may be personal, but I wondered when you were due to have your second look scans, now that your treatment is finished?"

"I had them already," Reid answered

Hotch's eyes widened and for one brief moment Reid thought he saw something like fear flicker across the older man's face.

"Oh, and how did they turn out?" he asked keeping his voice calm and even.

"It was only a few days ago, I haven't heard yet," Reid answered.

Hotch exhaled. "Ok, I'm sure everythings fine,"

Reid smiled. It almost sounded like Hotch was reassuring himself more than him. He stood up and walked Hotch to the door.

"Thank you Hotch, for the talk,"

"Goodnight Spencer, see you in the morning,"

Reid closed the door. He felt exhausted, he climbed into bed and immediately fell asleep.

In another room in the hotel, Aaron Hotchner poured himself a stiff drink from the mini bar. Memories of his father came flooding back. His rail thin sickly father, lying to everyone about how he really was. Everyone pretending they believed him. He couldn't go through that again. He drained his glass of scotch and opened the second little bottle.

XXXXX

Reid made it the the police station the next day ; he could feel the eyes of his team on him. He did his best to ignore it and concentrate on finding the unsub. The next day there was a break in the case, the killer was caught and the victim was saved.

The jet ride home was uneventful, There was always a feeling of satisfaction when someones life was saved and the killer would be going away for a long time. Reid also remembered to take some meds to keep the nausea away.

Morgan dropped him off at his apartment. Once he got inside he made himself a pot of coffee and checked his phone messages. The third message caused a chill up to go up his spine.

''Hello, Dr Reid, this is Dr Bledsoes office calling, all your test results are in and the Dr would like to discuss them with you. Please call back and arrange an appointment."

Reid dropped into the chair behind him. This was it. He was going to know.

TBC

AN: Please read and review

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