Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

A/N: So, yeah, I'm a terrible person. For those of you still patient enough to be reading, I hope you like it.

BPOV

"I hate him Jake! I just hate him!" I ranted, pacing up and down his small living room. I wanted to hit something I was so angry. I had just gotten through telling Jacob everything about the night of the party, starting from the happy beginning and going all the way to the terrible morning. Jacob felt guilty about interrupting our kiss, but I knew it was for the better now. Kissing Edward would have been a huge mistake.

"I mean does he really think he can go sleep with some random girl and I would be okay with it?" I demanded. Jacob opened his mouth but I continued, not letting him speak. "Of course I'm not okay with it! I don't care if we weren't going out…we were clearly headed there. I mean, we were becoming friends again, and we held hands a lot, and…and…we almost kissed! How can he almost kiss me after he slept with some other girl?"

"Bella—" Jacob began, but I cut him off again.

"Okay, I admit, I don't know exactly when this happened, but I'm still not happy about it. He told me I was special Jake! He said it was an important thing to him! Was he lying about that? What else was a lie?" I yelled. I was storming around the room in full on temper tantrum mode, stomping my feet, tossing my hands in the air and punctuating every point with some sort of hand gesture. "And he doesn't even think it's a big deal! Does he even know me at all? And he goes off about why I shouldn't care, but he knew what was happening! He saw that we were starting to be…whatever again! He knew!"

"Bella, I think—" Jacob started again, and I interrupted once more.

"And he didn't even call me! Not once. No calls, no texts, no contact at all!" I sniffled, trying to choke back my tears, and failing. "Why doesn't he care Jake? Why doesn't he care that he hurts me? And why do I have to care so much?" My voice broke and I burst into tears, flopping down onto the couch. Jacob sighed and pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly against his chest, one hand stroking my hair lightly. He made soft shushing noises in my ear.

"You love him, huh?" Jacob asked.

"So, so much," I whispered, trying to blink back my tears.

"This sucks, Bells," he mumbled. "I'm sorry."

"I am too," I sighed. I pulled myself out of his arms and wiped my eyes on my sleeve. I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose into it, trying to get rid of the clogged up feeling that was making my head pound. "I'm sorry I unloaded all of this on you. I just…didn't know who else to talk to."

"I'm your best friend, Bella," Jacob said, and I could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke. "You can tell me anything."

"God, I feel like such a jerk," I mumbled. I wiped my eyes again and glanced in my reflection in the window. I looked like a mess.

"It's okay, Bells, honestly, I understand," Jacob soothed, giving me his friendliest smile. There was a knock on the door then, and Jacob jumped up eagerly. "That's Carlie!"

"Oh boy," I said, staring at myself in the mirror. "I look like a mental patient. She's gonna think I'm crazy."

"She'll love you because I do," Jacob told me, waving a hand casually. He opened the door then and stooped down. I saw a pair of pale arms wrap themselves around Jacob's neck, and then he stood up straight, pulling the tiny girl up with him, his arms around her waist as he kissed her. I could see her dimples as they kissed, and I knew she was smiling against his lips. I had to look away—it reminded me too much of me and Edward and I hated that.

"Bella meet Carlie," Jacob introduced, and I looked back, seeing he had put her back on her feet, but kept one of his hands wrapped around hers. Carlie was tiny—barely reaching five feet and stick thin, maybe a hundred pounds but probably a little less. She had long, curly reddish brown hair and brown eyes and a crooked smile that stretched wide across her blushing face. She was adorable, and she looked perfect next to Jacob, who was her opposite in every way—tall, muscular and tan. The only thing that matched were their lovesick smiles.

"It's nice to meet you," Carlie chirped happily. She reached out her free hand and shook mine. Her hands were tiny, even compared to mine. She reminded me a lot of Alice with her bubbly personality and tiny frame.

"You too. Jacob's told me so much about you," I informed her.

"Good things I hope," she said, glancing upwards at Jacob.

"Course not," he answered instantly, and she elbowed him playfully in the stomach. He laughed easily.

"Jerk," she teased, and he answered by pulling her hand up to his lips and kissing it softly. Carlie's fake-frown melted into her usual happy grin. She looked up at Jacob with so much love it nearly broke my heart. I could feel tears beginning to sting my eyes again.

"I have to go," I announced, and both of their heads turned towards me. "I've got homework and stuff to do before school tomorrow. It was so nice to finally meet you Carlie."

"You too Bella."

"Feel better, Bells," Jacob sighed, knowing the real reason I was leaving. He wrapped his arms around me for a quick hug and then I left, leaving him and Carlie alone together. I could tell they would enjoy the time alone—I could see them through the window, already making out, when I climbed into my car. I just shook my head in amusement and backed out of his driveway, heading back home to Forks.

When I got home, I was glad to see the house was empty. Charlie wasn't home, so I could cry in peace without worrying about him hearing me. I barely made it in the door before I was sobbing. I didn't know why I was so hurt—Edward and I had been broken up for a while—but it was bringing everything back and I honestly thought Edward and I were going to get back together after the past two weeks. Everything had been going so wonderfully.

I sat on the couch in the living room. I leaned against the counter in the kitchen. I sat in the bathroom, on my bed, on the stairs. I was restless and I couldn't stay in the house any longer. I grabbed my keys again and headed out to my truck, unsure where to go. I didn't want to go back to Jacob's and interrupt him and Carlie. I didn't want to go see Alice because I'd inevitably see Edward, and I just wasn't ready for that yet.

When my phone rang, I welcomed the distraction, and answered without checking the caller ID. "Hello?" I answered, fighting to make my voice sound normal.

"Hey Bella," Alice's voice replied, lacking its usual perkiness. I frowned.

"What's wrong, Alice?" I demanded instantly.

"You haven't seen Edward, have you?" she asked timidly.

"No I haven't. Is something wrong?"

"No, not really. He left early this morning and he hasn't been home yet but we need him back before Carlisle and Esme get home. I was hoping you'd seen him." Her voice was dejected, but not worried. I felt guilty for making him upset enough to leave, but I thought what he did was worse.

"There might be one place," I suggested. "I can go check."

"Would you, Bella?" Alice's voice brightened considerably. "You're a lifesaver!"

"I'll call you if I find him," I promised.

"Thank you so much," Alice gushed. "You're the best friend ever."

I giggled. "Love you too, Ali." We said our goodbyes and I grabbed my keys, glad for another excuse to get out of the house. It was a long shot to look for him there…but I wanted to see it anyways, and he always told me it was his place to think. I pushed my truck to its internal speed limit as I reached the highway, eventually pulling off and driving to the end of the road. I climbed out, zippering my rain coat and pulling the hood up.

I walked purposefully into the woods—it was a trip I had taken a hundred times before. Though it was off the path, I had memorized the trees that I used as landmarks, and followed the way easily. It took me a while, since it was about five miles, but eventually, cold and wet, I plodded into a perfectly circular meadow, where it was raining harder since it wasn't under the cover of trees.

Edward was lying flat on his back in the center of the circle.

"Hey," I called, sloshing over to him. He didn't look up.

"Hey," he answered listlessly. I sank down next to him, lying back so my face was being pelted with rain droplets, same as his.

"Alice was looking for you," I informed him.

"She can live without me for a day." His voice was cold.

"She wanted you home before Carlisle and Esme got home."

"I'll be back by then," he assured me. He heaved a long, low sigh. I peeked over at him and felt all my anger from the previous day melting away. He looked so sweet and innocent, his hair dripping, his eyes shining, his cheeks red from the cold. I wanted to kiss him and tell him how much I loved him, but I held back. We had a lot to talk about first.

"Who was it?" I asked, in barely a whisper.

"That girl Victoria," he sighed, already knowing what I was talking about. I winced. Victoria had been beautiful with her long red hair and perfect body, but her eyes were dark and cold, her smile more of a sneer. "James put me up to it. He told me she wanted a one night thing. He kept giving me drinks and she kept flirting with me and I just…did it."

"Why?" I whimpered.

"I don't know," he answered after a minute. "I was lonely and upset. It was the night that I thought you were with Jacob. It killed me how quickly you moved on. How easily you could forget about me, about us. I wanted to move on too. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. Even though I knew you wouldn't care, I did it, and at the time it was almost satisfying knowing that we both had someone else. But then reality set back in and I realized how awful it was not only to use Victoria like that, but to do it for such hateful reasons."

"I was never with Jacob," I confessed. "I know I made it sound like that but…I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted you to think you had no control over me anymore but really…really you were all I ever thought about."

"She was the only one Bella, I swear, and it was only that one time. I regretted it so much afterwards. I wanted to tell you but I was afraid you would…" he struggled to find the words.

"Flip out like I did?" I filled in and he smiled.

"Yeah, basically."

"It would have been better if you told me. If I hadn't found out for myself." I sighed. It still hurt thinking about him with another girl. "It really hurt. I thought you had moved on quickly and easily. Or that you had been lying to me when you said sex was special to you just so that you could have sex with me. I felt used and dirty."

"I never wanted you to feel that way Bella. And I never want you to feel that way again," Edward told me. He reached out and wrapped his arms around me, allowing me to curl up against his chest, to breathe in his warmth. "I'm so sorry Bella. For everything. For never calling or being responsible when we went out. I loved you so much and I took for granted that you loved me too. I thought that it didn't really matter how I acted because you would forgive me, because you loved me."

"Life doesn't work that way, Edward. You can only push someone so far before they snap." I sighed and sat up, putting some space between us. I wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my chin on my knees. "I don't know if I can do this Edward. Jump right back into things, go back to how we left off. Things have changed. And some things haven't that still need to. Like you're drinking and partying and skipping school. I can't be with you if you're going to be like that."

"I'll stop," he promised instantly, sitting up next to me. "I can be better, Bella, for you."

"I don't know if I'm ready for this Edward." I sighed and rubbed my eyes tiredly. "I mean look at what happened yesterday. We were fine at the party, you saw me with Jacob and we fought. Then we were fine this morning, I found out you slept with someone else and we fought. We're fighting just as much as we used to and that's always been our problem. I hate fighting with you."

"I hate fighting with you too. But you know I have a temper. And you know when you feel so much, you hurt more too, and you fight more. I don't know Bella. I want to try us again. I want to be everything you want me to be," Edward said, and his voice broke. He sighed and ran his hands through his wet, tangled hair. "I just don't want to mess things up again, but it seems like I always do."

"I don't know if we can ever be us again," I told him. I could feel tears starting to well up in my eyes and I tried to hold them back. "I need to see that you can change Edward. I need to see, for real, that you can stop drinking like last night and skipping school. And you can't run away from your problems like today. Alice was worried about you and that's not fair."

"I know," he sighed, his hands clenched into fists. "I want to be good for you but I'm not. I'm not a good guy Bella. I drink and I swear and I skip. But I'll give it up for you. I'll try to be good for you."

"Can we just…see where things go?" I suggested softly. "I don't want to rush into everything again. Let's just…take it slow. It's going to be hard for me to trust you again, and if we want something to happen between us it's going to take time. We have to make sure we're ready before we do this again."

"I'll wait as long as you want me to."

"Thank you." I glanced over at him and he was watching me with intense eyes, his hair dripping. He reached forward and placed his warm hand on my cool cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into it. And then suddenly, his lips were on mine. All I could feel was the warmth of his body as he wrapped his arms around me and his soft lips on mine, his tongue reaching out to meet mine. I moaned into his mouth. I had missed this.

But then reality set back in and I pulled away. "Edward," I scolded. "I told you I didn't want to jump back to the way we were. It's going to take time."

"I know," he said grinning. "But I just really wanted to kiss you. Just in case."

And he looked so happy, so eager to please that I couldn't find it in me to be mad. So I just kissed him again, thinking the same things as him.

Just in case.

A/N: So I am not dead. I AM going to finish this story. I'm pretty sure there will only be a few more chapters, probably only 2 or 3. To all my readers who put up with my flightiness THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are literally the most amazing people ever. Your reviews make me so happy :) The next chapter should be up soon, I hope at least. REVIEW if you don't hate me by now!