Deb's Bigger Challenge-10 Rules for Thanksgiving at the Manoso's

By Sue (Jersey Girl in Oxford)

Can't take full credit for the list-was in an email last year but kept a copy cuz not only was it funny, but could totally relate to it.

After Stephanie and Ranger had finally gotten married, she thought that she would host Thanksgiving dinner for everyone. She had this idyllic vision of an elegant dinner party at their new mansion for their first Thanksgiving together. She prepared all the food…with a little help from Ella, and wanted to be the perfect hostess. Ranger looked over the guest list then over at their new dining room table. "Babe, I think you're going to need a bigger table. You've invited our families, the Morellis, half the Trenton PD, and most of Rangeman. Are you sure about this?" Stephanie just gave him a dismissive wave and rolled her eyes.

"Got it covered. I mean…it's just a turkey dinner with the people we love. How bad could it be?"

That dream fell apart. Thanksgiving dinner was a disaster. Stephanie vowed that she would rather stick a fork in her eye before she ever did that again. Ranger, the ever-supportive husband, encouraged her to give a family Thanksgiving dinner another try. "We have to biggest house, Babe. It makes the most sense for everyone to come here. Otherwise, we'll have to have two dinners…one at your parents' and one at mine." She thought this over.

"I just don't think I could go through all that again. It ruined my holiday, Ranger!" She gave him her best pout. He tucked a stray curl behind one ear.

"When you invite everyone this year, just set some ground rules upfront. Let people know what you expect. I know you can do this, Babe. If it doesn't work out this year, I promise we won't ever do it again." Stephanie sighed but agreed.

Stephanie thought about all the issues that really bothered her from the previous Thanksgiving. She decided that she would make up rules and mail them out with the invitations this year.

Two weeks before Thanksgiving, Ranger called Stephanie into this office. "Are we all set for next week, Babe?"

"I hope so. I did what you said and sent a list of rules to everyone so we can only hope for the best!" Ranger raised on eyebrow.

"Rules?" Her head bobbed up and down.

"Yeah…rules. Here's a copy." She handed him her list.

10 Rules for Thanksgiving at the Manoso's

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is there egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Lester to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! (This means you Valerie!) Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or there will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DSS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Joe Morelli and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

"Babe."

"What? Do you think it's too much? You remember last year…it was a mad house. Those were the top 10 problems that bothered me the most." The corners of Ranger's mouth twitched. She couldn't read him with that damn blank face.

"Maybe it's not too late to go out to eat."