Wenchy!Gwen, Bemused!Merlin and Arrogant!Arthur. Can be read as a cheery little oneshot or inserted into my other Merlin fic as a bit of steam, should you get bored. Written late at night; it was never going be fantastic.

I do not own Merlin, therefore I disclaim!

Of The Wonders Of Hiding Places And Royal Cleanliness.

"Okay," Gwen grins. "You're going to think me odd and perverse-"

"This is not a good way of winning me over to an idea!" Merlin says, holding up his hands.

"But you'll love me forever in hindsight." She pulls him behind a conveniently placed tapestry and starts fiddling with panels.

"What-"

"Shh!" she whispers. Merlin puts his ear to the wood.

"Is that – water?"

"Yeah," the wench smirks. A piece of wood comes away into her hands, and she peers into the gap she has created. "Jesus Christ, will you take a look at that," she breathes. "It's a sight for sore eyes, I tell you." Before he can stop her, Gwen pulls him down to the hole.

"You're killing my knees," he tells her.

"Fucking look!" she hisses.

"Gwen, I-" But he doesn't finish that sentence because into his direct line of vision appears the sopping wet body of Arthur Pendragon.

And, what's more, he hasn't a stitch on him.

"I tell you," Gwen sighs. "They don't call him Arthur the Magnificent for nothing. The stories I have heard! I mean, you would not believe the amazing things I have been told about Princey over there and his-"

"Gwen!"

"Swordplay." Merlin's ears go a delightful shade of pink, but he can't look away.

Arthur leans back, resting the back of his head on the edge of the bath, moving his torso out of the water. He glistens. The bastard actually glistens. Merlin can't think of anyone who could look better in the soft candlelight, and really, he's not wrong to.

"Where did he get skin like that?" the warlock hisses.

"Buggered if I know," Gwen says, jostling for space. "Oh, I know I say I don't like men with muscles, but ye gods, I'm lying."

It is an eternal wonder how a prince, who has clearly never worked a field in life, has gotten that bronzed skin. That sort of skin belongs to the type of man Arthur is though; sculptured, arrogant and completely fucking beautiful.

"Oh my lord," Gwen sighs. "You could grate cheese off those abs."

She's right, damn her. Arthur has a torso forged from doing valiant things like fighting bad guys, training peasants to defend themselves and going on noble quests.

The prince swallows, and his adam's apple bobs, and Merlin can't help thinking what it must feel like to run one's lips along that curve.

"Oh, he is just all man."

"Gwen, stop it."

It's almost as if he can hear them, Merlin thinks, as the prince's face breaks into that arrogant smile. That damn smile; it's gone from inciting irritation to exciting something the warlock considers to be totally irrational and really quite terrifying.

Arthur stands and there's a sharp intake of breathe from both parties concealed behind the panels. Rivulets of water slide down, down over the chest, down the abdomen and down over the hips.

"Fucking royal baths," Gwen murmurs. "Always too fucking deep."

With effortless grace, Arthur dives straight under and swims to the other side of the bath. He is no more than six feet away now, and Merlin can feel his heart start to hammer in his chest. In his mind, it's Arthur's breath kissing the back of his next, and his hands that push him slightly, in order that the person next to him might get a better view.

With a twist of the hips, the prince is gone, back to the other side of the bath where he ascends up the steps out of the water.

"That man-"

"Has and is the finest arse in Camelot," Gwen finishes. "Why'd you have to fall in love with him? I tell you, if I didn't like you, I'd have jumped his bones years ago."

"Curse my amiable nature then," Merlin mutters, peering back through the hole.

With a towel obscuring the sight of the royal family jewels, Arthur turns, one hands in his gloriously damp hair, to face the panelling and give Merlin the least conspicuous wink the warlock has ever seen.

He promptly leaps backwards into Gwen, who exclaims in a hiss.

"What the fuck was that?"

"He saw me," Merlin says, breathless and suddenly rather panicky.

"What?"

"He sodding winked at me!" Gwen laughs.

"Well, I wouldn't say he took it too badly then," she says.

"How can you say that?!"

"Well, if he had, you'd be dead."

*****

Merlin takes the long way back to Gaius' place, walking Gwen back home, despite her protests that he is in far more danger, around where she lives, than she is. When he arrives back, the physician is preparing for bed.

"Message for you," Gaius says, pointing to a sealed note on the mortuary slab. "You just missed the bloke who brought it."

Merlin runs his fingers over the royal seal with dread and vague anguish.

Really, the message read, Guinevere needs to improve on her ideas of subtlety.

I also think it only fair that seen so much of me, you should return the favour. Somewhere a little more private this time. Meet me in my chambers after dinner tomorrow.

A.

Merlin passes the night with a sizzling curiosity, and dreams of golden skin and an arrogant smile.

Neither of them made it to dinner.

Fin.

I should probably have resisted sticking this up; my forte is taking the piss. However, it made me happy. Hope you enjoyed.

Muchlove 3, Cossie.