Title: WHAT!?

Q: "Hey, why that title?"

A: Because that's what I'm asking myself right now, along with the questions "WHY!?" and "SERIOUSLY!?"

Q: "So… 'what', 'why' and 'seriously'?"

A: A self-insert fic (well, kind of. In the general spirit of practically everything I write, this is a parody, only a lot more so in this case), because it's late and it seems like a good idea at the moment, and yes. Seriously. Except, not serious…if that makes any sense at all.

Moving along with the agenda, the DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to their respective creators/owners. Star Wars universe belongs to George Lucas, whether he likes it or not. All rights reserved, yadda yadda blah blah blah.

WARNING: May include Satanic rituals, references to other video games, and traces of peanuts.

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I sat in my room and sighed while giving the book in front of me a good thump. "Argh! I got the right candles, set them up in the correct symbol, and even said these stupid words in the generic monotone chanting voice that YouTube video told me to use! What else do you want, you prick!?" I kicked the book away from me and crossed my arms. "I should have known that trying to contact the devil was futile, since I'm atheist and everything. That does it! Next time I go to the mall I'm retuning this stupid Satanic spell book and getting the one on necromancy!" I blew out all of the candles and shoved them into a drawer violently. Blowing some stray hairs out of my face, I let my shoulders sag in defeat as I got changed for bed.

What a waste of -I checked my watch- ten minutes. Ten minutes! I shook my head as I crawled under the covers and hunkered down into a somewhat comfortable position. It was midnight, and I felt my eyelids grow heavier and heavier as I watched the glowing red numbers of my alarm clock slowly change.

11:58 pm

11:59 pm

12:00 am

12:01 am

The next time my eyes opened, I found myself in a realm of muted grey. Everything felt muffled, like I was trapped in a dense fog, except as far as I could discern, there was no fog at all. I quickly got to my feet and spun around to get a good view of everything around me. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything there for me to see except seemingly endless grey. I spun around a few times to make sure I didn't miss anything before setting off in a completely random direction. I had been walking for a few minutes before I saw a vague outline in the distance. Squinting, I increased my pace to a steady jog and watched as the outline became progressively sharper. Eventually I found myself standing in front of an antique dark wood desk. There was nothing on it other than a small bell, and no one sitting behind it. I glanced around me warily before giving the bell a tentative ring.

Nothing happened.

I rang the bell again, this time harder. The soft chime echoed through whatever plane I was on, but still nothing happened. I was about to ring it again when a large burst of flame erupted directly behind the desk. I instinctively shielded my eyes with my arm, and when I lowered it I saw a well groomed middle-aged man in a classic black suit sitting primly behind the desk. He tilted his head downward and gave me a discerning look over the rim of his half-moon shaped glasses.

" Alexis Franks, I presume?"

I gaped at the man. "What? How did you know my name?"

He rolled his eyes. "They always ask that." He shook his head and pulled a folder out of a drawer. Opening it, he sifted through the sheets and pulled one out with a triumphant 'ah'. Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, he read over the page, silently mouthing the words. After a few moments, he set the sheet of paper down and looked at me again. "Well, you seem to have a rather good head on your shoulders, so I assume you know what you're getting yourself into here. I'll spare you the speech."

I cocked my head to the side. "What the hell are you talking about, buddy?"

The man rubbed his temples wearily. "Maybe I overestimated your intelligence after all."

"Shut up and tell me what you want!"

He looked up at me. "It's not what I want, it's what you want. You are the one who completed the ritual, not me."

"Ritual?" I screwed my face up in a strange attempt to figure out what this man was talking about. Then it hit me like a ton of, I don't know, hamsters. I would say bricks, but everyone says bricks. "Oh, you're the devil?"

He raised his eyebrows and chuckled. "Of course not! I'm just an…emissary. I work out the contracts that my boss, 'the devil', decides to grant. He's very discerning, you know. You should feel honored."

I wasn't sure what to feel. I bit my lip and hummed. "Hm. 'Kay then. I'm assuming that this contract comes at the usual price?"

"Your soul." The man nodded and smiled comfortingly at my worried look. "Don't worry so much. Hell isn't nearly as bad as you think it is. Sure, we don't have ice cream, but there's all the hot springs you want!" The man laughed at his own joke, but quickly stopped and cleared his throat. "Anyway, let's negotiate some terms here. You never said what it was you wanted, after all."

"Oh, yeah. Well…" I kicked at the ground, which spat up a small cloud of grey dust. "You'll probably think I'm stupid…"

"Undoubtedly, but don't feel too bad. I'm sure I've heard worse, no matter what you want."

"Yeah, that's so comforting." I replied dryly. "Anyway, what I want is…I want to be the main character in the Knights of the Old Republic game!"

I swear, if the man had been drinking anything, he would have spat it out at a surprising velocity. He stared at me wide-eyed for a moment. "And you want to sell your soul for that."

I nodded.

Sighing, he pulled another piece of paper out of the folder and began writing on it with a quill he pulled out of nowhere. "It's your soul, I guess." He finished off with a flourish and spun the paper around so it was facing me. "Right. Now if you'd be so kind as to sign on the bottom line, we can get this over with."

I looked down at the paper and skimmed over it. It was a contract. I read it over quickly and found that everything was laid out in clear terms…no confusing clauses, no fine print. I was suspicious, but figured that I was probably going to hell anyway, so why not? I looked around for a pen or something I could use. "Um…do you anything I can use to sign this?"

He smiled patronizingly at me. "Give me your hand." I held out my hand to him. He grabbed it and swiftly pulled a blade across my palm, causing me to cry out in surprise more than pain. He twisted my hand and pressed it down firmly onto the sheet. As soon as he let go, my hand recoiled and I closely examined my palm.

"Ow! You could have warned me! Besides, I don't think that counts as me signing willfully!"

He clucked his tongue at me humorously as he straightened up the papers and slipped them back into the folder. "You're dealing with the devil, my dear. Have a nice time." He winked at me mischievously before disappearing in another burst of flames.

I groaned inwardly and wondered what the hell I had just gotten myself into, no pun intended. I would have mentally expounded on the issue if everything hadn't gone black.

Black, cold, and completely silent. I never thought it was possible to be deaf to your own thoughts, but I was, as far as I could tell afterwards.

I was suddenly jolted back to reality by a high-pitched siren that rang in my ears almost violently. My eyes flew open, and were met by the sight of a stark metallic ceiling.

Wait…that's not right…

I sat up quickly and took in my surroundings- I was in a small dorm room with two beds, two footlockers and a small table with two chairs. Everything was either white or metallic, and conspicuously clean. I flung my legs over the edge of my bed and noticed that I was in some weird spandex sleeping outfit or something. Then it hit me. I gasped loudly.

"NO…WAY!"

THE END! No, I'm kidding (unfortunately or otherwise). This was just to sort of...um...get the character into the game in a way that wasn't just 'ZOMG I JUST WOKE UP HERE WTF!?' And...eh, I don't have anything else to say. Review please.