A/N: iheartmwpp: We're BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Yours truly and the co-author, Raven Wolfmoon, are going to parody Prince Caspian as well (even though we said we weren't we lied. Prince Caspian was amazing, so we had to kill it as well)! Yays!

For those of you who are just joining us, you may want to read our prequel The Loin, the Beep, and the Wackjob before reading this story, as this one contains many inside jokes from the other one that you wouldn't understand otherwise. Yes, we know that the beginning chapters for that one suck, but that's because I was the only one working on them; Raven's input didn't come till later, and she's the more insane one out of the two of us. I mean, she freakin' spayed me! TWICE!

So a little bit of info for the newcomers: I'm Kelly Elizabeth Something, otherwise known as iheartmwpp. Raven Wolfmoon is also Kelly Elizabeth Something, although in her case the 'Something' is completely different. I'm also known as 'That One,' while Raven is 'The Other One,' and we have several more nicknames that aren't exactly politically correct.

Also, our humor is completely random and insane. We usually just type out the first thing that comes into our heads and it somehow works. Some may not like our twisted, sick senses of humor, and we probably won't blame you in the slightest. We scare ourselves sometimes (especially today, I don't know where I came up with one of the jokes; maybe it was just a post Thanksgiving feeling or something…all I know is that it had us laughing for over ten minutes and I had to beat Raven senseless to keep it in the story).

And now, in honor of the actual movie coming out on DVD on Tuesday, on with the story!

Disclaimer: We don't own The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Like we said, it's not coming out until Tuesday, and even then neither of us will be getting it until hopefully Christmas!

The theater is silent, the credits have played. The moon is being obscured by the sun and then, we hear the pleasant words that make our ears bleed due to their incredibly jarring volume:

"I'M GIVING BIRTH LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY!" shouted…Prunaprismia. Seriously. (Okay, that has to be the worst name ever. Who the hell names their daughter something like Prunaprismia?! For the purpose of maintaining some coherent sense in this parody, we will be referring to Prunaprismia as Puffy.)

"OH GOD THE AGONY! I'M GOING TO KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME!"

"What a perfect way to start a children's movie!" exclaimed a first-time viewer.

"Mommy, where do babies come from?" asked all of the children in the audience.

"Uhh…" Simultaneously, the annoyed parents turned to glare at Andrew Adamson, who, despite being millions of miles away, felt their burning glances and melted.

"TROWELS!! I NEED TROWELS!!" shrieked the quiet midwife.

A woman quickly rushed in to supply the desired object. The midwife yanked them out of her hands and began to weed her portable garden.

"AHHHH!!" screamed Puffy, who was still giving birth.

Then, it was all over. The midwife wiped the dirt off her hands and held up Puffy's newborn baby.

"WAAAAAAAAHHH!" cried the baby, seeing as it was a baby.

"ALIEN!!" Puffy yelled in horror as she threw it out of the window.

A little while later, General Glozelle ran up to Lord Miraz with the news. They were out in the hallway of the silent castle, even though Puffy's abhorrent noise should've woken everyone up.

"The child has a penis," he announced.

"Good," said Lord Miraz happily. "So do I. And I know how to use it."

"Apparently…" the General murmured to himself.

"Ah, the heavens have farted on us," Miraz intoned to himself as he stared out the window into a blue screen. "You know your orders," he added after a pause.

"Yes, but I never got them!" General Glozelle whined. "I wanted a pizza and mozzarella sticks, and tomato sausages! Why oh why would they be denied to me?"

"That's not what I'm talking about you twit-faced watermelon! You've got to kill Caspian!"

"But sir, you know about his sexy charm, don't you?"

"Of course! That's why I'm giving you these." Miraz handed Glozelle a purple lollipop.

"Mmm…grape's my favorite flavor," he drooled.

"That's not grape, my dear man," Miraz informed him. "That is a potion concocted by the potion-making people of the potion society that has its potion store somewhere in this castle."

"I see. What does it do?"

"It blinds you. Temporarily, of course, but it is effective against Caspian's incredible sexiness."

"But sir, how will I be able to see him to kill him?" Glozelle wondered in a panic.

"I don't know. You figure it out. That's why you're my general and I'm king."

"Uh…you're not a king yet."

"Oh right. And I obviously don't have intentions of becoming one. My ambition is very small."

"Wow, that was full of complete understatements," Glozelle commented.

"Yes, now go!"

"Yes milord." The General stumbled out of the room as the scene changed.

A hooded figure began to slither through the hallways with its feet, making thumping noises that alerted all of the guards to its presence. Suddenly, the fat silhouette dropped into a trapdoor and began its long trek to Caspian's room.

Using a grappling hook, the figure scaled the Great Wall of China and ran along its length. From there, it crossed the treacherous Nile River on a piece of drywall. The Himalayas were painstakingly climbed and then the figure made its way to the Grand Canyon, which it abseiled using a ball of yarn. Then, in a submarine, the figure disappeared under the waters of the Mississippi River and surfaced in Japan whereupon it ascended Mount Fuji and fell into its crater.

The ominous shadow dropped into Caspian's room with a resounding BOOM but Caspian did not even bat an eyelash. The silhouette yanked back the drapes around Caspian's My Little Pony bed set and smothered him.

Caspian responded to getting smothering by brushing his teeth.

The figure, used to Caspian's sexiness, was not overly affected except for the drool that accumulated in its mouth and dripped on the floor. The figure quickly snapped itself out of the trance.

"Where are the numchucks?" it whispered frantically.

"Numb?" Caspian wondered vaguely, toothpaste still in his mouth.

"Where are the numchucks?" The voice was more fervent this time.

"They're somewhere where they're inaccessible right now. Why?" Caspian asked as the hand was removed from his breathing outlets and he relaxed to see it was his professor.

"You're not shucking corn tonight, my prince. Come; we must hurry!"

The old man yanked Caspian out of the bed and eyed his thong-bearing buttocks appreciatively before pulling him toward the closet.

"Professor, what's going on?" Caspian demanded in his oh-so-sexy Spanish accent.

"Puffy has given birth to an ALIEN!!"

"Holy crap!" Caspian agreed.

The Professor disappeared into the closet and shouted back, "And don't you dare come out of the closet!"

Caspian raised his eyebrows. "I don't think you'll need to worry about that." He stepped into the closet and hesitated. Like Lucy Pevensie before him, he knew that all C.S. Lewis's books were about not locking yourself in wardrobe/closet-type things. He watched in horror as several soldiers stumbled into his room, desperately feeling their way around. Once they were in position around Caspian's bed, they immediately began chucking rotten tomatoes at the bed. Caspian could only watch as the tomatoes forever stained his My Little Pony bed curtains. He would never forgive them for this terrible crime. NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Oh yeah. There was an owl.

Caspian was momentarily distracted by the Professor grabbing the string of his thong and yanking him down the hidden stairway into a conveniently placed armory. Caspian immediately pulled on a set of paper maché armor and grabbed a plastic sword.

"You must make for the small pebble in the middle of the giant forest. If you don't know how to get there, ask the talking woodland creatures."

"Umm…what have you been smoking, sir?"

"I kind of just mix things together."

"Is that why you're so fat?"

"Yes, indeed! Now go! They won't follow you there in that awful place with all the awful trees that supply us awful oxygen so that we can live awfully!"

"Ok! Sounds fun!"

"By the way, I want to give this to you." The professor pulled a ukulele out of his nose and presented it to Caspian, who eyed it in disgust.

"What is it?"

"Do not use it except when hippos are crawling in your ears and Satan is shredding your soul."

"And those things have to be happening simultaneously?"

"I don't know. Hell, if that was happening I would use it. And when I say 'use it,' I really mean I would jump into a volcano."

"Didn't you already fall into a crater?"

"IT'S DIFFERENT!!!"

"Shouldn't I be going now?"

"Yes. Oh, and I never want to see you again. It's not like I'm keeping tons of secrets from you that could pertain to the entire plot of this movie."

"Oh, that's good then. Well, toodle-loo!"

Suddenly the music suggested that an important line was about to be said. The professor inhaled his esophagus and then realized he did not have lungs with which to inhale. This caused him great confusion and terrible agony.

"The important, ominous, menacing, looming, imminent line, sir?" Caspian reminded him.

"Oh, yes…I had a yummy breakfast. It was yummy, hence the yumminess."

"Well that's fantastic for you but I'M RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!!!" Caspian then spurred on his starfish and rode off into the night. On the way, he threw something into a torch-fire-thing. It was either a sword or a man; we couldn't really tell, so it will forever be known as the man shaped like a sword. His name: Billy.

Caspian and his starfish clattered over the bridge as the opening credits stalked them. The credits were rather pissed when they were suddenly upstaged by fireworks, which killed thousands of seagulls in the process. To take their revenge, the credits shot the fireworks with poison darts. Yes. Because it makes sense.

"An ALIEN! An ALIEN! Puffy has given birth to an ALIEN!" shouted some random character for no real reason since we all kind of got that from the first two times we heard it.

Caspian turned and fled. He was alone for a while until some random Ring Wraiths began to chase him.

Peter Jackson, the director of Lord of the Rings, cursed angrily at Andrew Adamson. He tried to make the Wraiths turn back and chase Arwen's stunt double, but alas, they were convinced that Caspian was far sexier. They were right, of course.

Andrew Adamson was not pleased that he had gotten cursed out by Peter Jackson, so he retaliated.

"Didn't you finish making Lord of the Rings in 2003? How the hell are you still filming???"

"I…I…" Peter Jackson looked down in shame. "I kept the Wraiths as pets…and I like to make them hunt things…"

"You are a sick man. A great director, but a sick man. I am disgusted by you," Andrew said.

"Says the guy who made Shrek," Peter muttered under his breath.

"OH NO YOU DI'INT!" Andrew shrieked.

"Ohhhhhhhhh snap," Peter cried as Andrew broke a chair over his head. There commenced a director smack-down which made no sense whatsoever.

"Hello? I'm still here!" Caspian reminded everyone. His sexiness could not be ignored, so there was a long drawn-out scene of stuff with him getting chased…and stuff.

Once the Wraiths got to the forest, their mounts, candied yams, began to fidget and whinny nervously.

"Eww they're so sticky!" complained one of them.

"Which one of you superstitious ladies wants to spend the night in a jail cell?" the leader shouted softly as he glared sweetly at the others.

All at once one of the Wraiths burst out crying. "That hurt in the place where my heart lives in my chest cavity! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he sobbed.

"Why don't you think before you open the hole in your face called a mouth???" one of them retorted kindly.

The leader decided to ignore him.

"I rather enjoy oxymorons. Now let's jump into this pleasant, deadly forest!" he guffawed. The Wraiths followed him as he spurred his candied yam into the wood.

Meanwhile, Caspian was running. Then there was more running. Then even MORE running. Caspian even crossed a stream of molten jello. Good thing his starfish was immune to its scalding effects.

"OWIE!" Caspian cried as some drops landed on his bare skin. Mind you, recall that he was only dressed in a thong and paper maché armor!

The Ring Wraiths behind him floundered as their candied yams were boiled and then consumed by the Krakken, who was not invited to anyone's Thanksgiving feast. Despite this debilitating loss, the Ring Wraiths surged forward after the hotness that was Caspian.

Caspian decided that it would then be an intelligent thing to look back at those chasing him and not to face forward. If he had faced forward, he would have seen the Immaculate, Iron Ham-and-Cheese Sandwich coming straight for his head. Since he was an idiot, it smashed into his face, obliterated his skull and then proceeded to roast a gorilla.

Since Caspian was dead, he was not able to recover. Slightly redundant, but hey.

"You killed him in the first scene??" iheartmwpp screamed at Raven, who was being forced to type due to iheartmwpp's deathly whip.

"I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!!" Raven whimpered in pain, but iheartmwpp was ruthless.

"He's the sexiest beast EVER! How dare you kill him?"

"True…" Raven then brought Caspian back to life, although decided to mess with him by making him get dragged by his starfish (attached to him by a suction cup of course).

"This really isn't helping my obliterated skull," Caspian surmised as his head bumped along the ground. Suddenly, the starfish exploded, leaving Caspian alone. He looked around and realized that he couldn't see in the dark. Hmm…can starfish see in the dark? How did this chase scene actually take place? Tis a good question really…

Caspian had a little "WTF??" moment when all at once he was surrounded by puppy-dog men.

"He's seen us! We must circumcise it!" cried Warwick Davis.

"Aren't you that guy from Harry Potter? And Star Wars?" Caspian asked dumbly.

"No! I'm the EVIL ONE THAT BETRAYS ALL!!"

"Wow…way to spoil the movie."

Random viewers began to massacre penguins in a rage at having the movie spoiled.

"Not the penguins!" Caspian whined desperately. He and another puppy-dog man got into a staring contest over the ukulele, which had fallen out of Caspian's pocket.

"THE RING WRAITHS APPROACHETH!!" shouted one of the puppy-dog men.

The one that was Peter Dinklage went off to sacrifice himself and all was happy.

Thinking quickly, Caspian did the only thing he could do. He quickly strummed the ukulele and was rewarded with a bottle of water. He quickly guzzled it down.

"Ah," he said, refreshed. He was then knocked unconscious. Or something. The screen blacked out, so we don't even really know what happened. He might have been mauled by a baby seal. Or perhaps he was eviscerated by a lawn mower.

"Mmm…lawn mowers…" iheartmwpp drooled. Raven used this momentary distraction to steal her overseer's whip and eat it.

A/N: For the record, we actually LIKE both the Lord of the Rings and Shrek. We just like to make fun of things.

Updates will most likely be very sporadic, as we are both in college right now, and separate ones at that. We'll try to update whenever we can, but in the meantime, hey, you can read (or re-read) the prequel or any of our other stories, co-written or otherwise.

Remember to review, or we'll eat your children even though we're still stuffed from Thanksgiving.