Welcome to the Blue Army
Church: Hi there, I'm Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs Blue.
Caboose: And I'm someone else important...
Church: Only in your dreams, dude.
Caboose: I know, that's what I'm having right now.
Church: As you might have noticed, our sworn enemies, the Reds, have recently released a recruitment video to expand their numbers. Being respectable opponents, we decided to pay tribute to such a wonderful idea...
Caboose: And then steal it.
Church: Exactly, so without further ado, welcome to the Blue Army, where our number one goal is...
Blue Zealots: Kill the Reds, kill the Reds, kill the Reds!
Church: ...as well as annoying the hell out of each other, eventually getting our butt owned and then we're back to square one again...wow, that took less time than I thought.
Caboose: Yeah, or we could just skip the getting our butt owned step. That way is much more efficient.
Church: So as you can see, being in the Blue Army is all about personality. If you haven't got personality, then you won't be able to even full fill the most basic of roles here. So to demonstrate, we have Doc with us.
Doc: Umm, hi?
Church: Doc is a perfect example of someone who doesn't have a personality, which is why nobody likes him...
Doc: That's bull! I totally have a personality! I find things like treating third degree burns and giving CPR very interesting...
Church: Check that, personalities that doesn't involve boring people to death.
Caboose: I can't breathe!
Church: So instead, we prefer people with more, shall we say colourful individualities. Private Tucker, if you may?
Tucker: Thanks, dickhead. Hello there, people. If there are any lovely ladies out there hoping to join the Blue Army, then allow me to direct you towards the Main Reception: just take the hall on the left and then the first right. It's the door with "Tucker's Harem" written on it. And for all of you guys, just take the second left passage way. It's the door that says "incineration suite". Good luck to you all! Back to you Church.
Church: Thank you. So as you can see, having a personality can go a long way, much better than having a boring one anyway. The one you just saw is called "Being an Asshole", otherwise known as Tucker. Of course, being a member of the Blue Army involves more than just acting like a dick. There are some serious requirements involved: with the Reds, it's all about kissing your superior's ass and killing Griff. With us, it's about kissing asses and killing Griff with style! Agent Tex will now demonstrate.
Tex: I'm not kissing your ass, idiot! The last time I did that I had to wear a disposable face mask. And I went through about four layers of those.
Church: (sighs) Just demonstrate the other part then.
Tex: Not without my pay.
Church: (outraged) Is there anything you'd ever do for free?!
Tex: (pauses and then melees Tucker)
Tucker: Ow! What the £$%^?
Tex: If all you want me to do is hit him all day then fine.
Church: (sighs) Can I pay you by letting you shoot him a couple of times instead? Caboose still hasn't given me back my credit card yet.
Caboose: Credit card? Oh that's why the vending machine won't accept it!
Church: ...vending machine? Since when did we have a vending machine?
Doc: (in the background whilst shredding something) Guys, can you stop putting plastic into the shredder? It blunts the blade!
Church: Oh for the love of...! (Shoots)
Griff: (far away) OWW!! Where the £$%^ did that come from?!
Caboose: (gasps) Church! You hit him! That was incredible!
Church: What?! Oh £$%^ I was aiming at you! Man I'm rubbish with this thing!
Tucker: (On the ground) So as you can see, people, it is very important for you to be able to bond with others and really connect with them...which is exactly what I hope to do with Tex! Bow Chicka Bow Wow!
Tex: (Shoots him) You asked for it, asshole!
Tucker: OWWW!!! IT WAS WORTH IT!!!
Church: Of course, it would also help plenty if you have any qualifications that would in some way make you stand above the rest. Qualifications such as vehicle maintenance...
SNAP SHOT OF CABOOSE STANDING AMONGST SEVERAL WRECKED VEHICLES
Church: Advanced piloting...
SNAP SHOT OF CABOOSE STANDING NEXT TO A CRASHED HORNET
Church: And team morale building...
SNAP SHOT OF CABOOSE STANDING NEXT TO SEVERAL DEAD BLUE SOLDIERS
Caboose: (gasps) Look! I'm on television! Next to some sleeping people!
Church: And finally, don't forget that only through hard work and determination will you succeed in the Blue Army. As anyone would know, rising through the ranks can be a great achievement and we take the ranking system here very seriously…
Tucker: What? That's bull£$%^! Technically, I outrank you and you still won't give me the £$%^ing sniper rifle.
Church: How dare you speak to a superior officer in that way…?
Tucker: What the £$%^?! Didn't you hear what I said?
Church: Get on the floor and give me 50, now!
Tucker: (sighs and starts tea bagging) So to expand on what Church just said, you can either rise through the ranks via hard work, or just through the fact that you called dips on the role of command before anyone else.
Caboose: Dips!
Church: Caboose, I already called dips ages ago after Flowers died.
Caboose: I meant could I have some dips for my tortillas…?
PAUSE
Caboose: I'm hungry.
Church: You know what? Screw this! I mean we only got a new rookie in once and this is what we ended up with!
Caboose: (in the background) Hello.
Church: So if you happen to be someone hoping to enlist into the Blue Army, I've only got one advice for you: £$%^ off! You don't belong here! All you guys ever do is get team kills, get infected by rogue A.I.s or just get on other people's nerves! So if any of you dicks ever feel like joining, just no.
SCREEN BLANKS OUT
Church: I think I made that reasonably clear…
Recruit: Umm, hello sirs? Yeah, I was told this is where to sign up for the Blue Army. Can one of you lead me to the door that's got "Incineration Suite" written on it?
Church: God damn it!! Go AWAY! (fires sniper)
Griff: (From far away) AHH!! FOR CHRIST SAKE!!
Sarge: (From far away) Hey Blue, ever thought of joining the Red Army? You just made the list!