"Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."

xx

Lying on the couch in my darkened apartment I can yet again not force myself to move. Grabbing my cell phone off of the coffee table I punch in the familiar number. The phone rings once before it is answered. "Grissom."

"Hey Gil it's Sara. I am calling to tell you I'm not going to make it to work tonight."

"Alright…Sara are you okay? It's not like you to miss several days of work in a row."

"Yeah I'm fine Gris. I just need…I just need time to think."

"I'll be expecting you at work tomorrow night Sara."

I let out a sigh, "Fine." I hang up without a goodbye.

I know that avoiding Catherine isn't the solution to my problems but I can't bring myself to face her. I need time to pull myself together. To pick up the pieces she left me in.

Two nights ago after Catherine left and I couldn't sleep I threw myself on the couch and haven't been able to move since. If I had my way I would never move from this spot where I am drowning in misery and self pity.

I can't shake Catherine from my mind or heart. This isn't the first time I have tried. Over the years she has managed to crawl beneath my skin. Infuriated me and break me down. Make me love her and hate her at the same time. She is the only person that has ever managed to have what seems like a permanent hold over me.

There is a knock on my door. Puzzled as to who would be visiting me this early in the morning I peer through the peephole. To my surprise it is Catherine. A sense of worry washes over me. She has never visited me before, I hope everything is okay. I have to soothe myself, and remind myself I will never know why she is here is I don't open the door.

I open it and then stand facing Catherine. "Hey Cath."

She send me a nervous smile. "Can I come in?"

I step aside. "Yeah of course." I follow her into the living room and perch on the couch next to her. The more nervous she becomes the more worried I get. "Is everything okay? Is Lindsay alright?"

She turns her eyes to me and smiles a radiant smile as she visibly relaxes. "Yeah Lindsay's fine. I wanted to run something by you."

"I'm all ears."

"I know we haven't been getting along lately and I want to apologize for the things I've said to you. They were wrong. So I'm sorry."

"I…" I am shocked to say the least. Never once has she apologized to me. "I'm sorry too."

"I was thinking…well maybe we could make an arrangement. It's inevitable that we be together Sara not to mention obvious." My stomach does a back flip.

"What kind of arrangement?"

"Sex." She says bluntly. "I want to have sex with you, no strings attached, and it can stop whenever one of us feels like or has a reason to stop." Her normal confidence is back.

This is the best I can ever get from her. So why not? "Okay." She raises her eyebrows in surprise which suddenly turns to relief. She obviously thought I would have a different reaction.

I raise a hand shakily to her face, and rest it on her cheek. Her skin is soft and warm beneath my hand. I trace her bottom lip with my thumb. Moving my gaze to her eyes I ask uncertainly, "Can I…?"

She nods before I finish. Slowly I move my face closer to hers. Her eyes flutter closed. Closing my eyes I lightly press my lips to hers and then pull away. I kiss her again this time with more pressure. Her lips begin to move against mine sending shocks of electricity through me.

I knew the feeling wasn't mutual, but ignored it. I finally had Catherine. How could I have known that having her would lead to my own slow self destruction? How could I have known that saying goodbye would leave me this spent? This broken?

"Wow!" I say breathlessly. Catherine's naked body is pressed against mine. Our limbs tangled.

A deep chuckle emanates from her as she gazes into my eyes and strokes my hair. "I know," she replies quietly. I can feel sleep invading my senses and I struggle to stay awake. Wanting to remember every second of this moment. Ever gaze, every lingering touch. My heart soars as I gaze back into Catherine's eyes.

I didn't expect a kiss to lead to this, but I defiantly don't regret it. For the first time I get to hold Catherine in my arms.

I remember the sense of loss when I woke up to an empty bed. The sheets next to me were cold. Again I was forced to recognize the fact that she didn't have the same feelings. I hoped as I would a million times after that, that she didn't realize what she was doing to me.

The TV is blaring but the voices are all one big mumble. The moon light is filtering through the shades so I turn away. I don't want to remember Catherine's body in the moonlight. I don't want to remember any of it.

"What the hell? What gives you the right to tell me what to do? Just because we have sex doesn't mean that you can monitor my life!"

"Calm down Catherine. All I said is I wish you wouldn't go out with this guy tonight." She turns away from the mirror in her locker and glares at me.

"Why shouldn't I go Sara? Ever since we agreed to have sex you have been commenting on the guys I date. You have been trying to stop me from going out."

"Well I'm sorry I care about you!"

"I didn't sign up for your concern. Maybe we should end this here and now."

"Maybe we should," I say hoping that she doesn't mean it. Hoping that she can't hear the fear in my tone.

She sighs. "I'm going out tonight." Her voice is back to normal. She sounds tired.

"Okay," I reply and cross my arms over my chest.

"I'll be fine Sara."

I nod my head. I can't make eye contact with her. He places two fingers under my chin and lifts my head forcing me to look at her. Her proximity to me is overwhelming my senses. Lightly she brings her lips to mine. The kiss is brief, and leaves my lips tingling for more. "I know I haven't been around lately, but I promise tomorrow night it will be just you and me. Okay."

"Yeah," I say quietly. She smiles at me. Lately we have become closer we might even be able to call each other friends. Maybe. Every time she goes out it crushes me more than the time before.

I move my hair from my face. It is greasy and reminds me of the last time I showered. Groaning I roll of the couch and land with an 'ump' on the floor.

Finally I force myself to get up. I slowly wander to the shower and turn on her hot water.

When I finish I brush my teeth and put on some pajamas. Mines as well be comfortable tonight.

I grab a beer from the fridge and throw myself back on the couch. I try to tune into the nature show on TV but my mind keeps wandering.

Maybe ending things were for the best. I would have only continued to fall apart slowly and painfully. Still it does nothing to soothe my longing for Catherine.

There is a knock on my door. I gaze around and decide to ignore it. The knocking becomes more persistent and I figure that I should probably open the door. That is easier said than done.

Dragging myself off the couch I make my way to the door and look through the peephole. Standing there is no other than Catherine Willows. I consider not answering the door, but my feelings for her stop me from doing that. What if there is something wrong?

Opening the door I say, "Hey Cath," I don't bother to keep the anger and pain from my voice.

She is standing in front of me nervously playing with the sleeves of her jacket. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah of course," I say sarcastically. She seems not to notice this though because she pushes past me and makes her way into the living room. I follow her and sit on the edge of the couch keeping my distance.

"Is Lindsay okay?" I am struggling to stay in the present. My mind keeps wandering to the last time she showed up at my apartment unannounced.

She smiles at me and relaxes slightly, "She's fine. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"I'm listening." For now.

"I wanted to apologize for the other night."

"Catherine if you want to go back to us having meaningless sex the answer is no so don't bother."

"Is that what it was to you Sara? Meaningless?"

"Yeah. Wasn't it supposed to be?" I say with difficulty.

"It was… I just thought…"

"Why are you hear Cath?"

"We had sex." I raise an eyebrow at her.

"I'm aware of that."

"Mind blowing sex."

"I know. Are you going somewhere with this?"

"I think I'm in love with you," she blurts out. I stare at her blankly. She squirms under my gaze as I try to figure out whether I heard her right.

"You…?"

"I couldn't have sex with you anymore because I was becoming attached to you and it wasn't fair to you." I chuckle hollowly.

"Fair to me? Catherine…you hurt me…"

"I know," I can see shame and guilt clearly on her face.

"Let me finish," she nods. "You hurt me because I'm in love with you." I hold my breath waiting for the repercussions of my words.

To my surprise her hand rests on my cheek and her thumb traces my lips. I gaze into her eyes as she says with a smirk, "Can I…?"

I cut her off by nodding. She brings our lips together gingerly before applying more pressure. She pulls away. "I'm sorry Sara." I kiss her again. "Stop." I look at her in confusion. "Let's do this the right way this time."

I smile at her "Catherine since when do we ever do things the right way?" I ask before kissing her again passionately. Still in disbelief that loves me just like I love her.

Thanks for reading!