Chapter 1

Perfect.

I was supposed to be perfect.

That was what got me where I am today.

Because I'm perfect.

But am I really perfect?

I want to be.

I need to be.

I wish I were.

But the cuts I give myself at night when no one's looking is what shows it.

I'm not all that perfect.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, wonder what to do. I take my Swiss Army knife out of my pocket and look at it. The shiny blade reflects off light from the overhead light. I place the blade next to my skin and hold it there.

I hear someone opening the door, so I quickly put the knife under my pillow and grab a magazine, pretending to read it.

Shane walks in my room. "Hi."

I peer out from over the top of the magazine. "Yes?"

"Just seeing if you were asleep." He walks into my room and sits down on the bed.

"Nope. Reading."

"Okay, well don't forget about the movie premier tomorrow."

"I won't."

"And we have a photo shoot tomorrow morning."

"I know."

"You should go to bed soon; it's late."

"Okay."

Shane smiles. "Goodnight, little bro." He stands up and walks out of my room.

That was a close one.

If Shane ever knew, I'd be dead meat.

When I'm sure he's in his room, I get the knife out and put it up against my wrist again. I begin to cut in diagonal lines, making little x's near my hand.

Why do I do it?

Because it hurts way less than real pain.

It hurts less than the pain I feel every day.

It hurts less than the need to be perfect.

X X X

When I wake up the next morning, I put on jacket to hide the cuts on my arm. After I get dressed, I head downstairs. Mum made us breakfast and Jason and Shane are already eating it, talking to our little brother, Frankie.

I sit down at the table next to Frankie. Frankie smiles and hugs me.

He's so cute.

Like a little nugget.

Frankie gives me a big, wet, sloppy kiss on the cheek. There are traces of waffle syrup too. "I love you, Nate," he says.

I laugh and when he's not looking, I wipe off the syrup.

He's one of the reasons why I'm perfect. If I wasn't, then what kind of a big brother would I be?

"Goin' skiin'?" Shane asks with a hint of amusement in his voice.

"Huh?" I ask and then look down at my jacket. "Oh… well, it's cold in here."

"Cold? It's hot in here!"

Mum comes over to me. "Oh, sweetie, are you sick?" She feels my forehead. "You're not warm."

I bat her hand away. "No, I'm just always cold."

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asks all concerned like.

"Yeah, Mum. I'm fine."

She, of course, doesn't believe me. "If you're sick we can cancel the photo shoot. It's okay."

"Mummy, I'm fine."

"Nate, dear-"

"Really. I'm okay."

Mum frowns. "Well if you feel sick at all, you tell me and we can go home and rest, okay? I want you to be perfectly healthy when you guys start your tour next week."

Yes. Perfect.

Jason is acting very parental, too. "Nate, it's okay if you're sick. We can reschedule the shoot."

"No, no, no. I'm fine," I say, trying my hardest not to yell.

"Keep an eye on him for me, will ya?" I hear my dad whisper to Jason. He nods.

Dad and Mum leave and go into their bedroom.

I just stare at the cereal in front of. If I eat it, I'll be fat. But if I don't, I'll be hungry.

I decide not to eat it.

It was awkwardly quiet.

Then Jason said, "Okay, Nate, something's up."

I look up and put my spoon down. "What do you mean?"

"Well, for starters, you're wearing a jacket."

"So?"

"In July."

"Yeah? And?"

"And it's almost one hundred degrees outside."

"Well we're indoors, aren't we?"

Jason stares me down. I hate his stare downs.

But I stare right back at him.

He sighs and stands up, putting his empty bowl in the sink.

Shane rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and yawns. "Tired," he says.

"Well drink some coffee," I say.

"Want to stop at Starbucks?" Shane asks.

"STARBUCKS!" I hear Jason exclaim. He grabs his car keys.

I laugh. "Okay, Starbucks it is." I turn to Frankie. "Want to go to Starbucks, Tank?"

Frankie nods eagerly. "Yes!"

I pick him up and carry him all the way to the car. I make airplane sound effects, and Frankie laughs. I set him down in the backseat with me, and Shane and Jason hop in the front.

"To Starbucks!" Shane laughs.

Jason drives us to Starbucks and we go through the drive through and order the usual.

After we all have our coffee – and Frankie has water in a coffee cup (that's his thing. He hates coffee so he likes to pretend he's drinking it when it's really water) – we drive over to the studio for our photo shoot.

Mum and Dad are going to meet us here later, but they went out for lunch.

When we get there, we talk with the photographer and the girl who was interviewing us for "Popstar" magazine.

"So your tour is starting in five days," the girl, Leah, says. "Are you excited?"

"Totally excited!" Jason exclaims. "We cannot wait to get on the road again."

"Yeah, it's gonna be so fun," Shane adds.

Leah turns to me. "What about you, Nate?"

I snap out of my trance. "What about what?"

She laughs. "Do you have anything to say about the tour?"

I stutter a bit. "Yeah… Burning Up tour. Five days."

Leah hesitates for a moment. "Okay, so are you guys planning on releasing a new CD soon?"

I have a total ADD moment and watch as some people walk past us carrying piles of clothes and drinks.

While Jason was talking, I say, "Can I have a Diet Coke?"

Leah nods and calls out, "Someone give him a Diet Coke!"

Two people come running over to me, handing me some sodas. I take one and open it, sipping it slowly.

"So, Nate, we haven't heard much of you today. What do you have planned for the future?" Leah asks.

I look over at her. "You know… stuff. We're gonna sing. And write music. And tour."

"Okay then…" she trails off.

Shane nudges me with his elbow and leers at me. I just shrug.

"We're going to be doing a lot of things in the next couple months," Shane says. "We're going to be writing new songs for our next CD while on tour and definitely do some public meet and greets."

Leah writes some stuff down in her spiral. "Well thanks for your time, guys. I think you have to go be made up for photos now."

"Thank you," Jason says.

Some people come over to us and take us into dressing rooms and they hand us clothes. My stylist hands me a short-sleeved shirt. I give it back to her. "Um, can I have something with long sleeves?" I go over to a jacket. "This would be nice."

She gives me a funny look but lets me wear the jacket anyway. When she has her back turned, I take off my jacket and put on the new one.

"Okay, thanks bye," I say and leave the dressing room.

I head out and see Jason and Shane already out there, chatting with some people.

Someone comes up and puts makeup on me and does something or other with my hair and then I go over to my brothers.

Shane looks at my jacket. "Nice jacket."

"Thanks," I say.

"Okay, let's do this people," the photographer says and we all pose and whatnot for the pictures.

"Nate, roll up the sleeves on that jacket," the photographer says.

"Huh?" I ask, looking down at the jacket.

"Sleeves," he says, pointing to them. "Roll them up."

"Actually, I think it looks really good down like that."

"Nate, you roll up your sleeves in every picture. It's your signature thing."

"Um, I'm hungry. Can I have some food?"

Jason nudges me. "Dude. Roll up the sleeves."

"What has gotten into you?" Shane asks.

"I'm hungry," I say and someone leads me over to a buffet table. I stand there and shove food into my mouth.

Shane and Jason come up behind me.

"Wow," Jason says, "you were really hungry. Did you not eat breakfast?"

I shake my head. "Nope. I didn't eat breakfast this morning." Or dinner last night. Or lunch yesterday.

"Okay well eat fast so we can get on with this," Shane says. He comes over and attacks the pretzel bowl.

As much as I want to stop eating, I can't. Because I'm just so hungry. And I know I'll get fat if I eat all this.

And I won't be perfect anymore.

And none of our fans will like us anymore…

After I devour some food, I say, "I'm gonna go to the loo. Be right back."

I head off to the restrooms and right when I get there, I go in a stall and kneel down by the toilet and stick my finger down my throat, purging up all the food I just ate.

I don't know how long I was in there until Shane and Jason came in.

"Nate? Are you okay?" Shane asks. He walks into the stall I was in.

I flush the toilet and turn around, shaking my head. "I feel awful."

"I knew you were sick," Jason says, kneeling down next to me. He puts the back of his hand on my forehead. "That's weird. You don't have a fever."

I wipe some barf off of my face.

"Come on, we better go home and let you rest," Jason says. He looks up at Shane. "Go get Frankie and call Mum and Dad. Tell them Nate's sick and we're going home."

Shane nods and sets off.

Jason turns to me. "Is that why you didn't eat breakfast? Because you felt sick?"

"Yeah," I lie.

He hugs me. "Nate, you can always tell us when you have a problem."

No I can't. If they knew about the cutting, they'd hate me forever. If they found out about the eating disorder, they'd kill me.

"We love you," Jason says and has me look him in the eyes. "Is there something you're not telling us, Nate?"

I shake my head. "No."

Another lie. I keep lying.

I lie because I have to be perfect.

Shane's perfect. Jason's perfect. I can't be the only fucked up one.

But I am.