Old Memories

(Author's Note: It goes without saying that I don't own the lyrics to "Sentimental Journey." Also, there are minor spoilers here for the episode "Your Hit Parade.")

"Gonna take a sentimental journey
Gonna set my heart at ease
Gonna make a sentimental journey
To renew old memories…"
—Doris Day

B.J. was in a department store with Peg the first time it happened. She was taking her good ol' time looking at dresses and he got bored, so he wandered away, idly browsing in the men's department, not really interested in buying anything, just trying to kill time.

He somehow found himself standing amongst men's bathrobes, and right there in front of him was a dark red bathrobe, nearly identical to one he knew very, very well… and simply looking at the thing nearly sent him to his knees. He felt the color drain from his face. His heart pounded and the world went just a little bit gray.

He took a deep breath and reached out to touch the fabric, to make sure it wasn't a figment of his imagination, and yes, it was real, all right. Real and red and exactly like Hawkeye's.

He swallowed. Even thinking the name Hawkeye wasn't something he allowed himself to do often. Oh, they were in touch, an occasional letter, an even rarer phone call… but 99% of the time, B.J. tried hard not to think about the man he'd lived with for two years. He told himself it was because his focus needed to be on his wife and daughter now. After two years away, they deserved his full attention… they needed him to live in the present and not dwell on the past.

That was what he told himself. But if he were to be honest, he'd realize that was bull cookies, to quote Col. Potter. He didn't want to think about Hawkeye because it was a scary subject. The feelings he had for his former tentmate went beyond best-friendship. Their goodbye, as the 4077th was torn down around them, was the most difficult thing B.J. had ever had to endure. Leaving behind his wife and infant daughter as he shipped out to Korea was nothing in comparison to leaving Hawkeye after the war ended and their services were no longer needed.

They'd been close, they'd been brothers, but what B.J. realized when Hawkeye was so abruptly taken from his life was that they'd been fused together. He wasn't just missing a friend. He was missing a limb. He was missing a large piece of his heart.

"B.J.?" Peg came up behind him, and he nearly jumped a foot in the air, he was so startled. He whirled around to face her, and she was smiling. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"What is it?" he said tersely, not disguising his annoyance.

Her smile faded. "Are you ready to leave? I didn't find anything I wanted. I give up."

He looked back at the robe, wondering if he wanted to buy it or just keep on staring at it or, oh, he didn't know… somehow conjure up Hawkeye inside of it. Still looking at it, he replied, "Yeah, we can go."

He followed her out of the store and into the chilly night air.

Less than a week later, he was having lunch with a colleague in a diner when "Sentimental Journey" began to play on the jukebox. Instantly he was back in Korea… Radar playing disc jockey during a particularly long and difficult OR session, Col. Potter insisting on hearing "Sentimental Journey" over and over and over. But it wasn't Radar or Potter who took up residence in his mind, it was Hawkeye. Inventor of Double Kranko. Best surgeon he'd ever worked beside. Owner of the most impish grin he'd ever seen.

To the tune of "Sentimental Journey," they'd managed to save a young soldier by hunting down an AB-negative donor who was on R&R from his bomb-disposal unit and, incidentally, drunk out of his mind. Just another crazy, impossible night in Korea. As always, they got through it together.

B.J. remembered it like it was yesterday.

Take, take, that's all anybody does! Doesn't anybody give around here?

"B.J.?"

He snapped back to the present. Jim was looking at him closely. He was pretty sure he'd missed a whole chunk of conversation. "I'm sorry, Jim. Mind went somewhere else for a second."

His colleague smiled gently. "Still adjusting to civilian life, aren't you? I'll bet it's rough."

B.J. gestured and muttered agreement, but there wasn't any point in trying to explain. Jim wouldn't understand, Peg wouldn't understand… nobody could understand what he'd gone through and what he was still going through.

As "Sentimental Journey" ended, B.J. fought to concentrate on the conversation, and he managed to push Hawkeye to the back of his mind. For a time.

Only a few days later, in the OR, performing a routine appendectomy, he turned to his assistant and said, "Suction please, Hawk?"

"Suction," the man said as he obliged. Then, "Beg your pardon? What did you call me?"

The assistant's name suddenly escaped him, but he knew it was most definitely not Hawk. B.J. struggled to remember. "Uh… sorry about that. Rick."

B.J. was sure there was a smile behind the man's mask. "That's all right. I know we all look alike in here."

B.J. chuckled and tried to refocus on his patient, but he felt off-balance now, discombobulated. Routine operation, I can do this in my sleep…

In fact, I'm not sure I haven't… The sound of Hawkeye's voice. Self-deprecating humor, pure sarcasm, sharpest tongue in the Far East.

Funniest, brightest man I've ever known, B.J. thought. Most beautiful, too. Inside and out.

He had to literally shake his head to get his mind back on the appendectomy.

When he pulled his scrubs off 20 minutes later, he couldn't ever remember a time when he was more relieved to be finished with an operation.

After he got off work that night, he walked into a bar and ordered a martini. He hadn't had a martini since leaving Korea. He didn't want one now, but he ordered it anyway. It didn't taste like lighter fluid, it didn't taste anywhere near as horrible as Hawkeye's concoctions, but B.J. couldn't finish it. He stared at it for a long time, his mind thousands of miles away, then finally he paid for it and left.

When he got home, he took his suitcase out of the closet and sat on his bed, looking at it, wondering what the hell he was doing. Minutes passed, or maybe hours, he lost all track of time.

Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it.

Should have never said goodbye. Should have never come back here. This isn't my life anymore. Korea wasn't my life either, but Hawkeye…

Hawkeye…

Hawkeye is my life.

He reached up and wiped at the tears on his cheeks.

"B.J.?" Peg's voice from out in the hallway. In the next second, she was in the bedroom, a smile on her face, "There you are, I thought I heard you come home, are you ready for—?" Her smile disappeared as she looked—really looked—at her husband's face. "B.J.?"

He sighed and cast his eyes down for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. And then he looked back at her and gave her a sad smile, patting the bed, "Sit down, Peg. We have to talk."

"Never thought my heart could be so yearny
Why did I decide to roam?
Gotta take that sentimental journey
Sentimental journey home."