disclaimer: not mine
pairing: Kara Thrace/Sam Anders
set: post-Revelations
genre: fluff, AU, crack
length: 1200 (well, it was a ficlet)
notes: Chasing Tyrol needs editing I'm too tired to give it, so you get this instead. Any resemblance to previous fic is purely coincidental. Also, I'm pretty sure it was all palmetto's fault.

surprise is all too real
by ALC Punk!

"You have got to be frakking kidding me," Kara said.

Doc Cottle looked at her with that deadpan 'Do I kid?' expression he normally wore. He took a drag off his cigarette and waited for her to get her irritation and shock out of her system.

Kara thumped a fist on the bed. "How the frak did this happen?"

Now Cottle looked like he thought maybe she wasn't that bright--like maybe she wasn't a lot bright, even.

"Ok. I know the mechanics, Doc," desperation colored her words, "I thought I was protected against this sort of thing," Kara made a gesture at the spot on her arm where Ishay shoved a needle every six months.

"You're the third," he said, the non sequitur making him take another drag on his cigarette.

"What?"

"The third woman to come down with a sudden case of pregnancy while on birth control."

The sense of that penetrated Kara's brain, and she blinked at him. "How?"

"We don't know yet, but Harriman's theory is that the level of radiation down on Earth is just enough to interfere with it."

Great. Not only was Earth toast, it had gotten her pregnant. Kara scowled, "I don't want it."

"Tough. We can adopt it out once it's been born, but there is no reason for you not to carry it full term." He made a notation on her chart, cigarette spilling ash on the paper. "As of right now, you are off active flight status. No vipers, only light raptor duty."

"Why?"

"Precaution. The stress of viper flight can destroy a viable fetus. I'll notify the CAG, unless you want to do it."

That made Kara almost laugh. But she scowled harder, instead, "I am the CAG, Doc."

"Then resign yourself to nine months of paperwork, Captain. And get the hell out of my infirmary. I've got sick people to deal with."

Not giving him an answer, Kara slid off the bed and stalked out. She had a husband to find and certain portions of his anatomy to remove. Cylon or not, there was no way he'd be able to grow that back.

"Sam!" Kara shouted as she skirted the barn the centurions had erected for storage two days before. The foreman had pointed in this general direction when she'd come storming up, saying Sam was checking for growth out in the south pasture.

With the sun shining on it, this portion of the continent was temperate and seemed good for farming. Most of the humans and cylons were spread across the plateau. Some were in tents, but there were far more buildings than tents. It wasn't the canvas and mud city of New Caprica. Laura Roslin and D'Anna had seen to that, both making the populace work to good effect.

And maybe it was something closer to hope.

"Sam!" She shouted again.

"What?" Emerging from around the barn, Sam looked calm, the sun gleaming on his bare chest and shoulders. Most of the men who worked the fields were tanned from the constant sunlight and Sam was no exception. Neither was Leoben, she reminded herself spitefully as she tried to stay pissed.

"You see Cottle?" he asked as he drew closer, dusting his hands on his cut-off shorts.

Kara tilted her head back, wishing he weren't so damned tall, as always. "Yeah." Something in his eyes flickered and Kara froze, staring at him and the almost expectant look in his eyes. She sucked in a breath, voice accusing, "You knew."

"He said you're pregnant," Sam replied, almost in resignation.

"You motherfrakker," Kara hissed, angrier than she'd been in Cottle's infirmary, "You knew."

"Not knew. Guessed. Sharon joked about the fun of morning sickness at breakfast the other day after Hardline disappeared to puke--and you were off doing the same thing."

It wasn't much of an explanation. "Asshole. Was this--" fear stole her breath for a moment, pounding in her veins with a beat that sounded remarkably like her mother telling her she'd never amount to nothing.

"Was this what, Kara?"

"Was this your plan, Sam?" she asked, voice almost dull, "Get your wife pregnant, like a good little toaster?"

The laughter was unexpected.

Kara glared at him, doubled over his knees, practically howling. She considered kicking him. "Sam, this is not funny."

He glanced up at her and snickered, "Yes, it is."

"No it's not!"

Smirking, he straightened and stepped towards her. "You think I was programed to get you pregnant, Kara?"

"Well--" ok, she had to admit it did sound kinda stupid.

"Because, Kara, honey, baby," he grabbed her shoulders and bent, lips brushing her cheek, he whispered, "If I'd planned to get you pregnant, we'd have three kids by now."

She frowned, working out the length of time, "Sam--"

"One set of twins."

Ugh. Twins. Kara made a face and shoved at him, "It's still not funny, asshole."

"Yeah it is." He suddenly hugged her, still smirking.

"Sam, if I kill you, no one will convict me."

"You'd miss me when you're eight months pregnant and your back hurts."

Shit. He had a point. His hands were one of the best things she'd ever encountered. She groaned, "Maybe I can cut your hands off and put 'em on a centurion."

"Not as hot as me."

He had a point there, too. Kara pulled away from him, though, and shook her head. "Sam, this... I'm not keeping this baby."

"And what if I want to?"

Kara stared at him, eyes wide, "You want kids?"

Reaching out, he brushed his thumb over her cheek, "I don't not want kids."

Her lips tightened again, but she had a sudden memory of her mother, shouting at her father about how she'd never wanted this... She drew in a breath and let it out. She was not her mother. Frak, but she was never going to be her mother if she could help it. "Sam. I... let's just take this one month at a time, all right?" she asked, chickening out.

"All right. But when our daughter is ten, and you're still taking it one month at a time, you'd better get up when she has nightmares."

"Jerk," she muttered, punching him and then letting him draw her against his side. Aside from the fact that she liked being next to him, there was the added bonus of him not wearing a shirt. Kara suddenly smirked, "Hey, Sammy."

"Mhmm?"

"You know how I got pregnant?"

He snickered, "I've had quite a few biology lessons, yes."

"Let's go find a haystack." She groped his ass.

"There's a blanket in the hayloft, less chance of things poking you in unwanted places," he suggested.

"I love a man who thinks on his feet."

-f-