"Ianto."
"Nooo–"
"Ianto."
"Ianto."
"No."
"Ianto."
"Go away, Jack."
"Are you still angry with me?"
"What do you think?"
"I said I was sorry."
"So?"
"So, you should forgive me."
"After what you said? I think not."
"I said I was kidding."
"Yeah. But I wasn't."
"But-"
"No, Jack. You will not set foot in this bed for the next week."
"You may be a strict man, Ianto, but never cruel."
"No, that's your job."
"Ianto-"
"No, Jack. Go back to the hub. Sleep in your own bed. Alone."
"Alone?"
"Yes, alone."
"But, it's cold at the hub."
"So?"
"And your bed is warm."
"So?"
"So, you should let me stay here with you."
"I said no."
"But-"
"No means no, Jack."
"But-"
"No, Jack!"
"No, not even those ridiculous puppy dog eyes will get me to change my mind."
"But it's cold out!"
"I don't care."
"What if I die of frostbite? It would be all your fault!"
"Jack, you can't die."
"How do you know frostbite wouldn't seriously maim me for the rest of my life?"
"Ha ha ha."
"Are you laughing at me?"
"Yes."
"You're laughing at me!"
"Yes. I am."
"Why, Ianto?"
"To see how low you have fallen, sir."
"But it really is cold out!"
"Jack. Go. Away."
"But I can't."
"Why?"
"I've frozen in place."
"Then pry yourself loose, and get going. I'm trying to sleep."
"But-"
"How'd you get in here in the first place? I thought I took my key back?"
"Ianto. I work at Torchwood. I don't need a key."
"Whatever. Goodnight, Jack. And goodbye."
"…"
"No. Jack! Jack, get out of my bed!
"Ianto! Yan, would you leave your lover-"
"Former lover!"
"Would you leave your lover out in the cold, to freeze for eternity because he can never die?"
"Yes, I would."
"You don't really mean that, Yan–"
"Yes I-Ahhh!"
"What?"
"What is that?"
"What's what?"
"That there! "
"What?"
"Bloody Hell! Jack there's an alien in my bed!"
"What? Where?"
"Oh, no that there! That cold thing!"
"That's my foot."
"No way."
"Yes way."
"That's disgusting."
"You never complained before…"
"Don't!"
"Why? Afraid you'll-"
"Just don't!"
"Okay. You don't have to yell!"
"Sure…And you're still in my bed!"
"Oh stop fretting, Ianto. And scooch over a bit, will you. You're hogging the blankets."
"They're my blankets! "
"Stop screaming."
"It's my bed! I'll do what I damn well please in it!"
"Speaking of which-"
"Jack, don't."
"I was just gonna say-"
"Just don't!"
"You're awful bossy tonight."
"And you are still in my bed!"
"Oh, getting a bit snippy, are we?"
"Grr."
"Did you just growl at me Ianto?"
"…"
"I think you did."
"Sod off, Jack."
"…"
"Why are you still here?"
"…"
"…"
"Jack."
"Yeah?"
"What are you doing?"
"I'm getting warm."
"That's disgusting."
"It is not."
"Yes it is."
"No it's not, it's perfectly natural."
"No it isn't. Now go do it somewhere else."
"There's no one else here to do it with."
"Not someone else. Somewhere else!"
"Jack. Listen to me extremely carefully."
"…"
"Are you listening?"
"Yes."
"I. Do not. Want. To snuggle. Take. Your chin. Off. My neck. And go. Home."
"No."
"Yes. And get your arm away from my waist!"
"Ianto."
"You are a full grown man, Jack Harkness. And you should know better than to act like a two-year-old."
"But I'm cold."
"So?"
"And it's wet outside."
"And?"
"And it's gloomy."
"So?"
"So? Do you want me to be sad, Yan?"
"If I say yes, will you leave me alone?"
"You are a heartless man, Ianto Jones. Going to let me be sad and suffer all on my lonesome."
"I'm sure you'll survive."
"You wish I was dead, don't you."
"Jack, of course not!"
"But you do."
"Jack, this is ridiculous."
"No, it's fact. You wish I was dead."
"No, I do not. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."
"Even Owen?"
"Only when he's being a snarky git."
"But you wish I weren't here."
"Here in this room, yes. Dead, no."
"You do."
"No I don't."
"Then I don't understand why you can't forgive me for what I said. I was only joking. And I did apologize."
"Jack–"
"You are the love of my life, Ianto. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"No."
"You don't really mean that! You're just–"
"Jack."
"Yes?"
"Shut up."
"Fine. Okay! There's no need to be–"
"Jack! Please. Shut. Up."
"Humph."
"..."
"..."
"…"
"Ianto?"
"What?"
"I hate the cold and rain."
"I gathered as much."
"No. I really hate them."
"Okay."
"Aren't you going to ask why?"
"No, I don't think I will."
"Because, when it rains I feel like there is this great sadness upon the world. A heaviness on my heart that I can't get rid of."
"Jack, I don't think you even have a heart."
"..."
"…"
"That hurt, Ianto."
"Good."
"No. I mean, that was below the belt."
"I repeat: good."
"You don't really think I'm heartless, do you?"
"Sometimes."
"Sometimes?"
"Like today."
"I said I was sorry!"
"If you aren't going to leave, then go to sleep, Jack. Please."
"Fine."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Do you know that I also like the rain?"
"…"
"Aren't you going to ask why?"
"No. Because I don't care why."
"You wound me."
"You'll survive."
"Well, of course! I can't die. But that really is beside the point."
"Can you make your point then, so I can sleep?"
"The point is that you don't love me anymore, Yan."
"…"
"Ianto?"
"I refuse to respond."
"But it's true, though, and you know it! You don't give a damn about whether I'm cold, or wet, or apologetic. And you are still hogging all the blankets."
"They're my blankets!"
"Come on, Ianto, admit it. If I died tomorrow, you could care less."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Ianto?"
"I am not talking to you anymore."
"Why?"
"Because I don't talk to people I wish were dead."
"Oh, don't be an idiot, Yan."
"…"
"Yan."
"…"
"Ianto!"
"…"
"Ianto Jones!"
"Jack. Will you shut the fuck up or get out?"
"Knew you wouldn't be angry for long."
"Please, Jack. Shut up!"
"Fine. Okay. I won't say anything else."
"Thank you."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"What, exactly, are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? Your hand is inching along my chest."
"Oh, look, it is."
"Heading up under my shirt."
"Yes it is."
"Rubbing my skin."
"Yes, it is."
"Why is your hand doing that?"
"I have, temporarily, lost control of the functions of my hand."
"Jack, seriously. What is your hand doing on my chest?"
"Well, you see, Ianto, my hand is cold, but your chest is warm."
"…"
"Ianto?"
"What?"
"Did you hear me?"
"Yes."
"Well you didn't say anything."
"That's because I agree with you. My chest is quite warm."
"Oh."
"…"
"Yan?"
"What?"
"I can feel your heart beat."
"Your hand is on my chest, Jack."
"It's beating very fast."
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For informing me that my heart is beating. I never would have known."
"Ianto?"
"What?"
"Are you still mad?"
"…"
"Yan?"
"…"
"Are you?"
"Maybe."
"When are you going to stop being mad."
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"Maybe when you stop making idiotic comments to our teammates about our personal sex life."
"You know I was joking-"
"That's the problem, Jack. You're always 'just joking'."
"It's just in my nature."
"Meaning you will continue with your perverted sense of humor?"
"I might."
"Then I don't think I will ever stop being angry."
"Oh."
"…"
"Can we still make love?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yes."
"…"
"…"
"Then no, Jack. There will be no more sex."
"Oh."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Ianto?"
"What?"
"Your heart is still racing. I can hear it thumping. Like it's running away from something. Or someone."
"Perhaps it is."
"Are you running from something, Ianto?"
"Maybe."
"What?"
"Memories, I suppose."
"Oh."
"…"
"Now, its beating super-fast."
"That's because you're crushing me, you oaf. Now sod off. I can't handle the weight of you and your ego."
"Fine, then I shall remove myself and my ego."
"From my bed?"
"…"
"Hey!"
"…"
"Jack, I'm still angry with you! Don't think you can get off the hook just because you have your hand – ahhh-"
"Hey! What did you do that for?"
"Because you were trying to fondle me!"
"I was not! I have committed no such fondle!"
"Yes you did!"
"No, I did not!"
"You had your hand on my-"
"Yeah, but only because you're warm. And it's warmest there."
"Jack…"
"Fine, okay. I'll move it."
"You just put it on my arse instead!"
"So?"
"So, that isn't helping."
"It isn't?"
"No."
"Oh. It isn't helping. Your heart sped up even more!"
"…"
"Ianto?"
"What?"
"Will you stop snapping at me? Sheesh, you need to just relax."
"I might be able to if you would shut your mouth and let me get to sleep."
"Your words are not in my advanced, fifty-first century vocabulary."
"Oh, stop it, Jack."
"Fine. I'm moving, alright. See? Safe up here, right?"
"…"
"Ianto?"
"…"
"Ianto, my ego isn't crushing anything, right?"
"Just my larynx."
"Oh, sorry."
"Thank you. I can breathe again. May I sleep now?"
"Ianto?"
"What?"
"Your heart is doing it again."
"Can you get some new conversation material please?"
"Ianto?"
"What?"
"Why is it doing that?"
"Not a clue."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Oh."
"Goodnight Jack."
"Goodnight Ianto."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Ianto?"
"For the love of all that is holy, what?"
"Nothing."
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Fine"
"…"
"…"
"Ianto?"
"What?"
"Are you still angry?"
"…"
"Ianto?"
"You said, in front of Owen, Tosh, and Gwen, that last night was the most extraordinary sexual encounter you had ever had in your entire life. And then you proceeded to explain to Owen, once Tosh and Gwen had walked off giggling, exactly how you planned to reward me tonight. Like I was some kind of sexual plaything that was given a treat if I did a good job. You made me feel like dirt. No-wait, lower than dirt. Scum on the bottom of a Weevil's foot."
"…"
"So. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I'm sorry."
"You're sorry?"
"Yes. I'm sorry."
"Right."
"No, I really am. Honestly, Ianto, I only said it as a joke because Owen was carrying on about how he wished his boss would let him have a turn with the tea boy."
"He said that?"
"Yes he did. Still not sure if he was joking."
"Considering the fact that Owen can't have sex…"
"Exactly."
"I think he's just frustrated. Lonely."
"Maybe."
"So, he really said that?"
"Yep- Wait, you're flattered aren't you?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"You like that he thought of you!"
"Jack, please."
"Yes you did."
"So what if I do? It's not like I'd ever actually do anything with him! Besides, whether he admits it or not, he's hung up on Tosh. Even if he doesn't realize it yet."
"Right."
"You're jealous, aren't you?"
"Nope."
"Good. Considering what you said, you have no right to be."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"So, you still mad?"
"I suppose not."
"Good."
"But, I'm warning you right now, Mr. Jack Harkness, if you ever-"
"I won't."
"No, I mean it-"
"So do I."
"Okay."
"…"
"…"
"You agreed to that a little too quickly."
"No, I just don't like it when you're angry at me."
"So, would you agree, just to keep me happy, to getting Owen in here for a threesome?"
"What! Don't you even think about it! No one gets to see what's under your suits but me, and if you think-"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Ianto."
"Jack."
"You just kissed me."
"Yes. I believe I did."
"Why?"
"Made you shut up for a minute, didn't it?"
"Ianto–"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"You did it again."
"Yes. How wonderfully observant of you, Jack."
"Why–"
"…"
"…"
"Because."
"Oh."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"So, does this mean you love me again?"
"I suppose."
"Well, okay then."
"Okay."
"I love you, Ianto."
"I love you, too, Jack."
Disclaimer: Torchwood is the property of Russell T. Davies.