A/N Yay, I did it! This one's slightly extended so as to include Z and Akatsuki Alphabet Epilogue. That's five chapters and a complete story in one day! It makes me very very very happy! I'm hoping to finish the next chapter of Sweet Angels next, it's mostly done.
U is for... Uchiha Issues
Uchiha issues. Everyone had them, and they all dealt with them differently.
Rei had a seemingly endless supply of miniature voodoo-esque Itachi dolls, which she distributed freely to anyone who asked. Deidara often took them in bulk and attatched them to his more impressive bombs. Sasuke had been given a whole sack of them anonymously one Christmas, and had spent hours sticking pins into them. Kisame merely stole Itachi's things, but he did that to everyone anyway, and if you tortured him enough he always gave them back.
And Orochimaru... with a reliability you could set your clock by, every day at 8:34 AM, he threw a brick through the kitchen window at the Uchiha's head.
Several of the other, more restrained Akatsuki left Orochimaru toast and coffee for this daily visit, and occasionally larger bricks.
V is for... Violet
There are some circumstances in which one should certainly wish he is elsewhere. This was one of them.
Customers had fled, but the unfortunate shop assistant was trapped, and now there were going to be two ninja battles in his cosmetics aisles.
There was only one bottle of violet nail polish left, and five members of the most feared criminal organisation in the world were all frozen in the act of reaching for it; they were now glaring at each other, all ready to kill.
And not far away, Rei and Orochimaru were having a somewhat more civil face-off regarding the last opt of purple eye shadow.
"Take it."
"No, you take it."
"I insist."
"Take it or I'll maim you."
"Take it or I'll frizz your hair."
W is for... Warning
"Rimu..." the Hokage sighed, holding a bottle of pink dye that the jounin before him insisted he had not deliberately switched with Sandaime's shampoo. "This is your final warning. I am going to kill you. And nothing short of the Tailed Beasts wielded by an insane criminal bent on world domination with a love for soap operas and morning cartoons could stop me."
Three weeks after fleeing Konoha, Rimu first heard about the mysterious Akatsuki Leader, and wept for joy.
X is for... Xylophone
"Konan..." Leader groaned, sat cross-legged in his Gothic Throne in the kitchen with his head in his hands. "I promise I won't kill, maim, torture, severely creep out or lock anyone in the cellar. Just tell me... why? And also... who?"
Konan glanced across into the living room, where the rest of the Akatsuki sat watching the dull Christmas day TV; Tobi, sat behind the sofa, was knocking out some excellent tunes on his brand new xylophone. She shrugged.
"He's wanted one for ages. I don't think he's too bad at it."
"And who?"
"Um... Kisame got it for him, I think." Leader looked up, eyes glinting.
"Right. Send in Kisame." Konan gave him a pained look.
"Now, Pein, you promised to get into the Christmas spirit!"
"Oh, you should see what I'm gonna do with the fucking holly!"
Y is for... Yuletide
Twelve murdered ANBU
Eleven stolen presents
Ten undergarments
Nine profuse apologies
Eight suicide attempts
Seven gifts for Tobi
Six char-burnt turkeys
Five new pets
Four mistletoe kisses
Three Hawktopus victims
Two homicidal maniacs
And get Zetsu out of that tree!
Z is for... Zetsu
"THE WALL TALKED!"
"Calm down, Deidara-"
"IT TALKED!"
"It's just Zetsu-"
"It freakin' talked!"
"Deidara, you're upsetting him-"
"THE FUCKING WALL JUST FUCKING TALKED!"
Konan gave up, staring exasperatedly at Leader, who rubbed his temples. Konan had just been showing around their newest member, when Zetsu had popped out of a wall and quite politely greeted the blonde bomber. Konan was struggling both to coax Deidara out of the corner and comfort the deeply hurt plant-man. "For God's sake, just shake hands and make up!" She snapped, shaking a finger at them both.
Leader groaned. "This is not daycare..." he muttered.
Akatsuki Alphabet Epilogue!
And now, Tobi would like to thank you for reading this to the end!
Unfortunately he can't, since he's hiding from Rimu who's blaming him for Rei making him tip ice in Rimu's face after Rimu had stolen Itachi's coffee, causing Itachi to get withdrawal symptoms and stab Hidan in the face in a jealous rage after Hidan got satisfaction out of taking out one of Kakuzu's hearts for stealing Kisame's wallet as vengeance for when Kisame stole Kakuzu's calculator on an impulse which caused Kakuzu to get impatient and annoy Hidan and so Hidan blamed it on Kisame and kicked him, and Rei liked Kisame, because he's her drinking partner and so she wanted revenge against Rimu but she couldn't do it herself because Zetsu had hidden Tei's alcohol so she was sober and had a death wish against him and only Rei could control Tei sober (well, Leader could too, but he and Konan and Sasori were busy watching soap operas and he would probably have killed her in any case) so she got Tobi to do it for her so Rimu wants to kill Tobi.
Which is why Deidara will thank you instead!
"Like hell I will."
Yes, he will.
"No."
Please?
"Make me.
... It was at this point that Deidara fell down a hole.
"Aw, cra-"
And the moral of the story is, don't defy The Author! Thanks for reading!
Peace, out. xx