vampgirl8: Hey, guys. O.o It's been a while since I last updated this story. sorry about that. It's just, you know that contest, the one from the last chapter? Yeah...

No. One. Entered.

That bummed me out a bit. But still, to make up for the long wait, I've given you the longest chapter of this story yet. (I'm totally serious.)

Please review, it boosts morale.

Oh, and if you'd tell me which parts, which lines, which TFCCans, are your faves, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks. Have fun reading!

The Adventures of Those Four Crazy Chicks

Christ-Giving-Sam-Day and Tobi's Brilliant and Cunning Plan

Something was up.

Samantha observed the calm about her with suspicion. Kisame cooed at a goldfish in a bag--didn't want to know where he'd gotten that one--while making kissy faces at it, Kakuzu threatened someone on the phone about weapons prices; Hidan sacrificed what looked to be a Hannah Montana voodoo doll to Jashin; Zetsu was sitting beneath the sunlit window attempting photosynthesis; Pein was in the fetal position beneath the stairs mumbling about 'fangirls' and 'Don't let them touch me there, Mommy' while Konan tried to coax him out; Tobi played with his Power Rangers; Sasori designed puppets in a sketchbook; Deidara groomed the mouths on his hands; Itachi meditated in the corner with an expression of utter serenity; Morgan read the latest issue of Vampire Knight; Ariel surfed the net on her Netbook (Named Waldo the Second.); Stephanie was painting her nails and appealing shade of purple; and Brandi was cuddled next to Deidara on the couch happily doing crossword puzzles.

Brandi. Crossword puzzles.

Oh yes, something was very, very wrong.

"Um," Samantha began, "are you guys…okay?"

"Mm-hm," Brandi mumbled. "Hey, does anyone know what a six letter word for aesthetically appealing is?"

"Bloody."

"Puppet."

"Uchiha." "Sasori!" "Nickel."

"Boom!!"

Brandi paused at the last suggestion. "Deidara, 'boom' only has four letters."

"Oops."

"Pretty," Tobi sighed, stroking the head of the pink ranger longingly.

"Hey, that fits!" The brunette scribbled in the word. "Thanks, Tobi!"

He ignored her in favor the action figure's attentions. Because we all know the pink ranger so totally has a thing for orange masked men.

Samantha's eye twitched dangerously, and she could practically feel the Flames of Hell™ beginning to lick the soles of her feet in impatience.

…that is, until a pen soared through the air and hit her squarely between the eyes. Then she just got pissed.

"Don't steal the twitch, bitch," Brandi said, not looking up from her crossword as she reached into her pocket and emerged with another pen.

Sucking in a calming breath and forcing the Flames back, Samantha crossed her arms expectantly. "Seriously, what's going on? We haven't had an issue for anything since before last summer. Nothing, zip, zilch, nada! You can't honestly tell me you aren't planning anything? Nothing to make up for Christmas? Thanksgiving? Some kind of mix of Christmas and Thanksgiving called Christgiving?"

"Nope," Ariel popped the 'p,' "but that last one sounds like a good idea. Why don't we try it? Samantha, why don't you go buy some presents for everyone and we'll set things up here? We could have Christgiving tonight if we want to!"

"Why do I have to buy all the presents?"

"Stop grumbling, it's not like you'll be the only one. We can't exacting buy presents together, can we? That'd spoil the surprise!"

Cursing under her breath, Samantha rolled her eyes and left the room.

A few minutes later she pulled out of the driveway, and the second the Akatsuki Mobile disappeared, all Hell broke loose in the Akatsuki living room.

"Oh God! It BURNS!" Brandi tossed the crossword away, rubbing her hands along Deidara's cloak. "I can't believe you made me act intellectual!"

"It's the only thing we had on short notice," Ariel frowned. "It's not like we could let you get all hyped up on cookies right now--you babble when you're hyper." The small brunette sobbed in Deidara's chest in answer.

Morgan blew a strand of hair from her eyes, carefully setting the book on the table. "Well, I suppose we should start setting up for Sam's party then. The girl probably forgot today's even her birthday."

"Yep." Ariel snapped her fingers. "Tobi!"

The masked man ran from the room, returning moments later with very big, very familiar book. Handing it to Ariel, she cackled with glee as she began murmuring ancient words of some forgotten language over it.

"Hey," Morgan whispered in recognition, "isn't that--?"

"It is," Ariel confirmed. Holding it in front of her, she opened the tome so the pages faced a portion of the room. "Have fun."

"Wai--!" In a bright flash, Morgan, Tobi, Brandi, Kisame, Kakuzu, and, oddly enough, a young man with glasses and longish dirty blond hair named Justin three states away in his apartment, all disappeared.

"What?" Deidara's head snapped back and forth as he searched the room with one blue eye. "Where did you send them, un?"

"Nowhere that's of your concern," Ariel replied gleefully. "Now then, let's get to business, shall we? Pein, Konan, you two can decorate the house appropriately...if you ever get Pein to come out, that is. Zetsu, you can help--huh? Where's Zetsu?"

"I believe he's in the greenhouse fornicating with his apple tree girlfriend," Sasori answered, reclining in his armchair.

Ariel blinked, "…oh."

(In The Greenhouse…)

"Oh, Apple-Bellum," Zetsu purrs. "What would I ever do without you?"

The tree doesn't answer.

"I love it when you're catty!"

(Back Inside…)

"Well then, I guess we'll just have to nix him from the plan." Ariel tugged Sasori off the armchair. "Sasori, you, Itachi, and Deidara are coming with me to get Sam's present."

"What about us?" Stephanie asked, gesturing to Hidan.

"Oh, you two are going to go slaughter and cook a turkey. This may all be in pretense for Sam's B-day, but damn it she had a point! We are going to have Christ-Giving-Sam-Day. Officially. Christmas, Thanksgiving, and her birthday all in one."

"Woo-hoo!" Hidan shouted, jumping up and unsheathing his scythe. "Let's go kill us some turkey-bitches!" Grabbing Stephanie, he tossed her over his shoulder and jumped from the nearest window.

Clucking her tongue, Ariel shook her head. "That was highly unnecessary."

"Indeed," Itachi monotoned, "but you know Hi--"

He stopped abruptly as something from the corner of his eye caught his attention. Swiveling, his gaze landed on a hammer, leaning against the wall a few feet away. He stared at it oddly for a moment, then turned back. "…never mind."

"Okay, then." Ariel pivoted to the stairs, hand thrust triumphantly in the air. "Let us commence!"

"Where are we going, un?" Deidara asked, following Sasori and Itachi as they traversed the stairs to the second floor.

Ariel grinned over her shoulder. "Why, the underground city of the mole people, of course!"

(In A Land Far, Far Away…)

Morgan groaned as she returned to consciousness, rubbing her head to relieve the sudden headache that rested there. Looking around, she realized she was lying in front of an old-fashioned farm house, and in front of her was some sort of city square. A few steps to her right, a pair of feet in black and white striped socks appeared to have curled in on themselves.

"Well," she said resignedly, "this is odd."

In a bush a few feet away, something began to whimper as it crawled from the foliage. A young man, with glasses and longish dirty blond hair pulled himself to his feet, blinking in astonishment at the things around him. "Where am I?"

Morgan shrugged, about to reply, but stopped when she noticed something about her shoulder. It was oddly puffy. Looking down at herself, she did a double-take at the site of sparkly red shoes.

"Fuck," she hissed, not caring that she was starting to use Hidan's questionable vocabulary, glaring at the puffy blue dress she now wore, and the whicker basket hanging from her left arm. "The Wizard of Oz. The god damn, mother fucking Wizard of Oz. You've really done it this time, Ariel."

"Um, excuse me," the young man began, approaching warily with a finger in the air, "do you know where we are?"

Glancing at the top of the boy's head, Morgan noted the furry, dirty blond appendages that probably hadn't been there before. "Judging by the ears on your head, you must be Toto."

"Wha…?" He reached up, gasping when his fingers brushed the soft fur of his newly acquired, perky puppy ears. "What the hell?! Those weren't there before!" He paused, her words catching up with him. "Wait, you said 'Toto.'" Looking around with new eyes, his brow furrowed. "Are…are we in The Wizard of Oz?"

Ignoring him, Morgan reached out to pat his head between his ears. "Aw, what a cute puppy." Humming, Morgan stroked his ears. "But I don't want to call you Toto. It's only fair I change your name since I refuse to go by Dorothy. But what to call you?" she mused.

Narrowing his eyes in annoyance, the boy crossed his arms. "My name is Justin. Not Toto, and not whatever else you come up with." Seeing she was paying him absolutely no mind, Justin bristled. "Excuse me? Are you listening?! I said my name is Justin! Geeze, you'd think I was speaking in barks for all you seem to care!"

"That's it!" Morgan pounded a fist into her palm. "Bark-Bark! That's your name now, okay boy? Huh?" She scratched his head. "Good boy."

"My name is not Bark-Bark!" Justin hissed. "It's--Ooooooh…" He calmed as Morgan scratched a particularly sensitive spot behind one of his new ears. "That's niiiiiiiicceeeeee…"

"Good boy," she repeated. A sudden noise had Morgan looking around, finding that several little heads had popped out from their homes and were now observing them with awe. "Oh shit."

"THE WITCH IS DEAD!"

"Here we go."

"Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!

"Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

"Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.

"Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go,

"Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.

"Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.

"Let them know

"The Wicked Witch is dead!"

Morgan rubbed the bridge of her nose with forefinger and thumb. "Oh please, shoot me now."

At that moment, a munchkin who could only be the Mayor approached Morgan.

"As Mayor of the Munchkin City, In the County of the Land of Oz, I welcome you most regally," he sang. "But we've got to verify it legally, to see," began a second munchkin.

"To see?" the Mayor repeated.

"If she," the munchkin continued.

"If she?" he mimicked.

"Is morally, ethically--"

"Spiritually, physically--" another munchkin interrupted the first.

"Positively, absolutely--" started a third munchkin.

"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Morgan shouted. "SHUT UP!"

The munchkins got quiet, staring at her, alarmed. Morgan took a deep breath, patting the whicker basket for reassurance unconsciously. "Look, she's dead, okay? Really, really dead. So dead that in a parallel universe she's alive and tap dancing in a pink tutu. So, please, stop singing. It's hurting my ears."

The munchkins looked mortally offended, and Morgan was just about to learn just why it was that you don't piss of a munchkin on it's own turf, when a bright pink ball sailed through the air and expanded into a person in front of them all.

"Am I late? Am I late?" the person said, straightening his frilly dress and crown, wand sparkling with stray glitter.

Justin pinched himself. Hard. Upon finding that, no, apparently this wasn't a dream, and he wouldn't be waking up any time soon, he promptly began sputtering. "I-is that Chuck Norris?!" Chuck Norris looked up at the mentioning of his name, brushing his hand one last time over the dress and straightening the bodice before addressing him. "Ah, what a cute little puppy. What a good boy Toto is!"

"Actually," Morgan corrected, not really surprised to see Chuck Norris in a dress--she remembered Samantha saying he'd had wings when he'd come to the undersea Cinderella thing playing the part of Fairy Godmother--and therefore having no trouble speaking to the cross-dresser, "I've decided to call him Bark-Bark."

"Ah," Chuck Norris nodded, "I see. Fine name."

"My name is Justin!"

"Thank you. It just seemed to fit him."

"It does, it does."

"Why are you ignoring me?!"

"I thought so, too. He's a bit loud though."

"Indeed. Perhaps you should consider a muzzle?"

"Am I speaking another language?!" Justin pulled on his hair in frustration. "Why can you not understand me?"

A giant puff of thick smoke exploded on the rim of a nearby fountain, an evil cackle filling the air.

"Who killed Wicked With of the West's sister?" a familiar voice called out, and the munchkins cowered. "Well?"

Morgan shook her head rapidly. "Tobi?"

Straightening from the menacing crouch he'd been in just moments before, Tobi waved cheerily. "Hello Morgie-pyon!"

"Tobi…," she trailed, "you're the Wicked Witch of the West?"

"Yep!" Tobi spun his broom and did a little jig in his black dress. "Isn't Tobi cool?"

"Oh God," Morgan moaned. "When we get home, you and I are going to have a serious talk, Tobi. I've told you what I think about your odd dress fascination."

"Aww." Tobi's eye then alighted on Justin, and it widened to an enormously large, enormously adorable sparkling size. "…Puppy."

"Wha? Right, yeah. Tobi, this is Bark-Bark." Morgan gestured to Justin, who had frozen with goosebumps the moment Tobi had set that creepily happy eye on him.

"I'll get you Tobi's pretty!" Tobi yelled suddenly. "And your little dog too!"

With a slightly hysterical cackle, Tobi disappeared.

"He's not supposed to say that until later on, right?" Morgan asked aloud.

"It's Tobi," Chuck Norris said dryly, "you should hardly be surprised."

"Right." She adjusted her basket, smiling at Chuck Norris. "There's no need for you to stay, Chuck Norris. I already know what I have to do. I'll see you later!"

And with that, Morgan and Justin--who really didn't know what the hell else he could do--head out along the Yellow Brick Road.

"Good luck!" Chuck Norris called, waving his wand jovially.

"Good riddance," a pensive munchkin name Tipsy mumbled, having not liked the visitors at all.

A second later, Tipsy choked on a mouthful of glittery fairy dust as Chuck Norris disappeared in a poof. Tipsy then toppled to the ground, where he lay, choking on the glitter for three minutes before passing out from asphyxiation.

When Tipsy woke seven hours later in a garbage can behind a strip joint in downtown Munchkin City, and found that every time he spoke glitter came out of his mouth in puffs, he learned and important lesson.

"Karma's a bitch," he wheezed, glitter glistening in the air in front of his lips.

(A World Away…)

In northern Washington state, a little boy name Karma Adams was adding the final card to a house of cards built to look like the Empire State building to scale. Tip-toeing the top wrung of the step ladder, the child reached up to add the final Queen of Hearts when a sudden sneeze blew from his nose, and the entire thing collapsed.

Staring forlornly at the fallen cards, lip quivering, Karma slumped.

"…I hate my name."

(Back At The House…)

Samantha slammed the door behind her, breathing heavily as her eyes darted around the entrance way. Shakily, she removed her jacket and shoes, walking hesitantly into the living room.

"Guys?" she called as she entered. "Sorry, I couldn't get presents. I turned and came back as fast as I could, cause I think I hit a hobo and he's kinda dead--guys?" She blinked, realizing there was no one there to reprimand or, in Hidan's case, applaud her for the mindless slaughter of the homeless.

Spotting the book on the table, Samantha approached warily, feeling as though she knew it from somewhere…

It was only when the pages started to glow, and an odd sucking feeling began to tug on her, that she remembered it from her last birthday.

"Oh, fuck--"

She disappeared.

(In The Tunnels Beneath Brandi's Bed That Lead To The Underground City Of The Mole People…)

"We should be there soon," Ariel said, skipping merrily.

"Good," Sasori muttered, "the sooner we finish with this, the sooner we can get back."

"I don't like it here, un," Deidara whispered, glancing uneasily from side to side and gripping Sasori's cloak. "I feel like we're being watched."

"Nonsense, Deidara," Sasori reprimanded. "What could be following us down here?"

Itachi was oddly silent--well, more silent then usual--and vaguely frightened. His mind kept flashing back to when they'd first entered the tunnels by slipping beneath Brandi's bed. He could have sworn that before he'd disappeared into the tunnel completely, he'd seen hammer, lounging against the doorframe…

"Come in, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. Come in, Throwing Away Life's Lemon's," Ariel spoke into a two-way radio

"Why do you have that?" Sasori asked.

"We need to keep in touch with everyone's progress somehow," Ariel explained.

"And who is Throwing Away Life's Lemons?"

Ariel grinned slyly, "Morgan." Holding it up again, she continued, "Come in, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. This is Otaku Fudgesicle, over."

(In Oz…)

Morgan jumped at the voice that sounded from the whicker basket on her arm. Staring at it in shock, she said aloud, "Did the basket just talk?"

"It was probably just something inside," Justin said, watching as she raised it in front of her face to better examine. "…and she's ignoring me. Again."

"Hm," Morgan hummed, "perhaps something inside made that noise!" Justin's eye twitched harshly.

Opening the basket, she pulled out a two-way radio, just as the voice came again.

"Come in, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. This is Otaku Fudgesicle, over."

(In The Tunnels…)

"Ariel…?"

Said girl smiled as her friend's voice came over the radio. "Indeed, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. It is I, Otaku Fudgesicle."

"Otaku Fudgesicle? What kind of codename is that?"

"An awesome one," was the cocky reply. "But listen, I'm going to tell you who each of us is, okay? So you don't get mixed up."

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Alright." Taking a deep breath, Ariel began listing the codenames. "First is Samantha--No Inserting Cream Ejectors." "Nice."

"Second is you--Throwing Away Life's Lemons."

"Don't know where you got that one."

"Third is Stephanie--Gerbal Loving American Sharpie Sniffer."

"No wonder the girl seems happy so much."

"Fourth is me--Otaku Fudgesicle."

"I didn't know you taste like fudge. Sasori must like that a lot."

Glancing over her shoulder at the now blushing redhead, Ariel grinned. "Indeed. Finally, fifth is Brandi--Perverted Extreme Nympho In Small Energetic Sizes."

"Okay, that one actually fits. Not sure 'bout Sam's though--I'm sure she lets Itachi insert his 'cream ejector' quite often."

"A slight oversight." Ariel coughed professionally. "So, how's your progress?"

"Heading along the Yellow Brick Road as we speak. I think we'll reach the Scarecrow soon."

"Good, good. Alert me when you get to Scarecrow. And be careful with Puppy--he's delicate."

"Wait, how did you know about Bark--?!"

"Otaku Fudgesicle, out."

(In Oz…)

Morgan stared at the radio, mouth agape. "That little bitch hung up on me!"

"Uh-huh," Justin said dispassionately. "If you actually acted like you understood me--which I'm starting to think that none of you honestly do--I'd say you might have have deserved it. But, this Ariel girl you were talking to also sounded like a homicidal maniac, so I can't be totally sure in my opinion."

Morgan, ignoring him once again, merely cursed under her breath and continued walking along the path. She paused a moment later, however, when they reached the crossroads where a scarecrow sat in a field of corn.

Staring dispassionately at the Scarecrow, Morgan sighed. "Hello, Kakuzu."

Kakuzu nodded from his post. "Morgan."

"I suppose you want down?"

"That would be appreciated."

"You won't start singing, will you?" Kakuzu appeared offended. "Of course not!"

"Good." A few minutes later, and Morgan had untied Kakuzu and was helping him keep balance while he got used to his legs again. When that was over, she pulled out the radio. "Otaku Fudgesicle, this is Throwing Away Life's Lemons, over."

"I read you, Throwing Away Life's Lemons. What's your status?"

"I have recovered Scarecrow and am on my way to Tin Man, over."

"Perfect. Continue as planned. Over and out."

"Over and out."

Replacing the radio in the basket, she smiled at Kakuzu, who watched her warily. "Well then, let's get moving."

(In Another World…)

Samantha looked around curiously, recognizing where she was from a manga she'd read. Cross Academy, from the world of Vampire Knight. But why had the book taken her here?

Sighing, she hefted the backpack that had suddenly appeared on her shoulders higher, following one of the paths near her. Turning the corner, she stopped when she spotted a familiar face.

"Zero," she whispered. A smirk crawled across her face, twisting her expression into such a deviant display of hellish glory that a nearby squirrel burst into blue flames. This squirrel's friend saw the event, and quickly informed the rest of the wooded area of the demon in girl's skin that walked their paths. The result was that it became eerily quiet at Cross Academy, making the mood all the more fitting for what she was planning to do.

"Zero-senpai!" Samantha called, running up to him with a smile.

Zero's gaze locked onto her as she approached, narrowing at her with distrust. "Do I know you?"

Samantha giggled falsely. "Oh, Zero-senpai! I'm in the grade below yours, remember?"

"No," he said icily, "in fact, I don't have even the slightest inkling of who you are. Why are you out at night? And where's your uniform?"

Samantha sighed, reaching into the closest side pocket on the backpack. "You are just too damn observant."

"What--?"

Samantha slapped handcuffs onto the teen's wrists, attaching a rope to the chains in the middle. "You're coming with me," she said silkily. "I'm sure you'll be the perfect Christmas present for Morgan. Now if I could just find one for the others--"

And in a flash, they disappeared.

(In The Tunnels…)

Ariel frowned at Itachi, having paused when the Uchiha refused to take one step further. "What's wrong, Itachi?"

"There is something," he whispered, "something very evil ahead of us. I refuse to meet it."

"Oh come on, Uchiha," Sasori said condescendingly, "don't be a coward."

"You do not know the evil of what lies ahead," he retorted.

"I highly doubt it could be so bad, un," Deidara attempted to reassure. "It's probably just a mouse."

Itachi glared. "I assure you, it is no mouse." "How right you are, Itachi-san." The group screamed, jumping and spinning around to face the tunnel ahead of them, where a shadow could be seen flitting about in the scarce light provided by the torches spaced every ten feet or so on opposing walls.

Emerging into the light, the creature smiled enough to show fangs, it's usually kind eyes narrowed with predatory intent. "Long time, no see."

"Funshine Bear," Itachi hissed.

"Funshine Bear?" Ariel choked. "I haven't seen you since the Super Special Somewhat Musical Valentines Day of Doom!"

The demonic teddy bear's expression became even more demented, if possible. "Yes. I am aware of that disastrous event." The stuffed toy crouched into a fighting stance, hissing with malice, "I intend to end this, Uchiha. You and me. No holding back. We shall settle our vendetta!"

"Fine with me," Itachi hissed back, removing his cloak and tossing it to Deidara. "We shall end this."

"Here we go," Ariel rolled her eyes.

(Twenty Minutes Later…)

Ariel, Sasori, and Deidara sat against the tunnel wall, watching in awe as Itachi used a spinning kick to send Funshine Bear flying into the floor, skidding three feet before stopping.

It had been a long and arduous battle. Stuffing flew, hair was pulled from its ponytail, Yo Momma jokes were abundant, and the amount of stuffed animal cruelty was enough to make any animal rights activist shed a mournful tear for the misguided bear.

But now, it seemed the battle was finally ending. Itachi approached Funshine, ready to pull the last bit of stuffing from the bear's limp cloth body.

"You may think you have won, Itachi Uchiha," Funshine Bear choked out, "but this was only the battle. The war still wages!"

And in a flash of yellow light that vaguely smelled of lemons, Funshine Bear disappeared.

Itachi flicked his unbound hair over his shoulder, and Ariel nearly decided to forget the fact that this man was already claimed by Samantha and pounce. Luckily, though, she restrained herself.

"The bear did not know what he was fucking with, hn."

"Throwing Away Life's Lemons," Ariel whispered into the radio, "you just missed the most epic of epic battles, in all of epic battle history."

"Seriously? What happened?" Ariel recounted the fight, and Morgan whistled.

"You're a lucky bitch, Otaku Fudgesicle," she said, "one lucky bitch."

(Ten Minutes Later In Oz…)

Morgan clicked her tongue at Kisame, helping him move his stiff joints that seemed to suddenly be made of metal. "You're not going to sing, are you?"

Kisame snorted. "Oh, yeah, right. If I only had a--grealsdkjoighasaljk!!!"

Kakuzu tightened the threads around Kisame's neck, eyes narrowed in seriousness. "Never joke about that. If it even looks like you're going to sing, I will sow your lips shut."

Eyes bulging, Kisame nodded, gulping in the air when he was freed. "Bastard."

Kakuzu shrugged.

"Shouldn't the witch appear?" Kisame asked a few minutes later, as they continued on their way. "And do the whole 'I'll get you my pretty!' thing?" "Tobi did that earlier. He seems to be mixing up scenes, or something."

"Tobi?!" Kisame looked panicked. "Tobi is the Wicked Witch?! God, kill me now," he groaned.

"Wonder how Hidan and Stephanie are doing…?" Morgan mused. "Oh well, let's go, guys!"

(With Stephanie and Hidan…)

"DIE FUCKERS DIE!"

"Buckaw!"

"WHO'S COCKA-DOODLE-DOOING NOW, BITCH?!"

Stephanie sighed, face-palming tiredly as yet another turkey was decapitated by her estranged lover.

They only needed one…

(In Another Universe…)

Samantha hummed with delight as she took in the newest world she'd been dropped into unexpectedly. The blimp they were on was rather nice, though the chill was slightly annoying. But hey, it was one of her favorite parts of Battle City--Yu-Gi-Oh! wouldn't have been the same without it.

"You!" Seto Kaiba glared fiercely at Samantha and Zero. "How did you get on this blimp?" Samantha nearly cried in ecstasy. Seto Kaiba. Oh, delicious, delicious CEO of Kaiba Corp. Sniffling reluctantly, Samantha turned away in order to resist the temptation. She was on a mission, after all.

Approaching a man with extremely spiked blonde hair and tan Egyptian skin, coal lining his lavender eyes, and a bored, amused look on his face, Samantha smiled. "Are you Yami Marik?"

The Egyptian crossed his muscled arms. "And your point?"

Grin widening, Samantha slapped a handcuff on one hand, and attached the other to the chain between Zero's cuffs. Marik raised an eyebrow, pulling out his Millennium Rod and focusing Shadow Magic into it. When nothing happened, he growled in frustration.

Samantha giggled. "Sorry, I'm not from this dimension, your magic don't work on me." (It was at this point that the authoress twitched at the fact that she had used such a poor plot device, as had this been any other fan fiction she were writing she would have immediately collapsed into an angst-y puddle forced herself to come up with something better to give her dutiful readers. But since this is crack, she merely jerks in her seat a few times and slaps herself once for good measure, making herself believe that for this, it will have to do. After all, the Funshine Bear thing is amusing but makes little sense, and she used it without hyperventilating and cursing her soul to Hades, didn't she?)

Pulling rope from her backpack, Samantha quickly lassoed her other two victims together in a neat swoop--Joey Wheeler and Yami Bakura.

"Nyeh!" Joey cried.

"What the deuce?!" Bakura cursed.

"And thusly we conclude this tour," Samantha said.

Casting one last longing look at the extremely freaked out CEO, Samantha make her wish. "I need something to do until the others are done with what it is they need to do for Christgiving."

A flash, and they were all gone.

(In The Tunnels…)

"Thank you!" Ariel waved behind her at the Mole People, as they left their city behind to head back up to the surface. In her hands rested a large emerald, cut to the shape of a six-pointed star.

"Now then, let's head back up to the surface, shall we?" Ariel began trekking down the tunnels they'd just traversed, singing the Caramelldansen under her breath.

It was when they'd gotten about halfway home that Deidara paused, staring at the ceiling of the cave oddly. "Does anyone else hear that, un?"

"Hear what?" The other three paused, looking up as well. Sasori frowned. "I don't hear anything."

"Shhh, un!" Deidara whispered. "Listen!"

The group quieted, and after a moment of trying to catch whatever sound it was Deidara heard, muffled words came through the dirt.

"Oh, Apple-Bellum!"

Blinking, Ariel cocked her ear up, to better hear what was going on.

"Faster Apple-Bellum!" Grunt. Moan. "Oh, baby, that's right Apple-Bellum!"

"What the…?" Sasori whispered.

Itachi suddenly paled a sickly white. "I believe we are beneath Zetsu's greenhouse."

It took a moment for the implications to set in, but when they did, Deidara, Sasori and Ariel all mirrored each others horrified visage. Before any could speak, however, another sound filtered through the ceiling, louder than the others.

"FUCK, APPLE-BELLUM!"

"EWW, EWW, EWW, EWW, EWW!!!!!" Ariel screamed.

The four ran down the tunnel as though the hounds of hell were on their heels…

…that, or the sounds of a plant-man having sex with an apple tree could be heard through the ceiling behind them.

Whichever appeals to you more.

(Back In Oz…)

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my," Morgan deadpanned, peering through the trees in the thickly wooded area they were traveling. The Cowardly Lion should be around here somewhere.

"Cowardly Lion! Where the hell are you?!"

"Stop shouting, bitch! I'm coming!"

Blinking, Morgan turned, only to find Brandi with a furry collared jacket and whiskers drawn on her cheeks crawling over a boulder and onto the Yellow Brick Road.

"Brandi? You're the Cowardly Lion?"

Brandi scowled, obviously feeling cookie depraved in this cookie-free wood. "Yeah, what were expecting? A Teletubbie?"

Morgan shivered at the mention of such Devil Spawn, but shook her head. "No, but I thought you'd be someone a little more, er, cowardly."

"Well, this is what you get," she shrugged.

Morgan nodded, pulling out the radio. "Better tell Ariel I found everyone."

"Radio?" Brandi prowled closer, curiously prodding the device. "What, is this a secret mission or something?"

"She did give us codenames," Morgan supplied.

"Really?" Brandi grinned. "What are they?"

Morgan quickly told her everyone's assigned codename, and was confused when Brandi started laughing. "What's funny?" Sniffling, Brandi forced through her giggles, "take the first letter of each word in the codenames, in the order she gave them to you, and put all the words you get together."

Furrowing her brow, Morgan shrugged. "Okay. Let's see, first was Sam's…N-I-C-E…then mine…T-A-L-L…then Steph's…G-L-A-S-S…then Ariel's…O-F…and then yours…P-E-N-I-S-E-S--oh that bitch." Morgan rolled her eyes. "Haha, very funny."

Brandi glanced cynically at the other girl. "You seem oddly pessimistic this chapter. What's wrong with you?"

Morgan clicked her tongue. "It's probably because the authoress has been typing this story for nearly five hours, it's past four in the morning where she is, and therefore she is starting to get tired and her fingers are sore--thus making it difficult to keep me in character."

"Oh." Brandi glares at the sky, shaking a fist angrily. "Fuck you authoress! Keep us in character!"

(The authoress happily flips her the bird.)

(The authoress realizes she has just made her own characters break the fourth wall.)

(The authoress also realizes that she has gladly gotten angry and flicked off a character she made say the things that angered her in the first place.)

(…the authoress thinks she should probably look into therapy…)

"Woah!" Morgan looks around, dazed and frightened. "What was that?" Brandi, feeling just as freaked, clings to Morgan's pant leg. "I don't know. I have the oddest feeling that we just interacted with someone who has the power to create or destroy the world we are currently in. Morgan, hold me."

Patting the girl's hair softly, Morgan gulps thickly. "I think we need to get a move on--before things get any weirder than they already are."

(The authoress snorts, good luck with that.)

"What was that!" Brandi lunges and spins around, looking for the source of the odd entity.

"Come on Brandi, let's just forget this ever happened."

Brandi points to her eyes with two fingers, then to the sky in the universal 'I'm watching you' sign, then follows Morgan down the path, Kakuzu, Kisame and Justin catching the rear. (Justin, at this point, has given up all hope of understanding the fucked up world he has been transported to, and merely wants to get through this as quickly as possible with few repercussions. He is also not surprised when he later discovers that Brandi also is apparently unable to understand him.)

"Hello, come in Otaku Fudgesicle," Morgan said into the radio. "I have Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion--aka, Perverted Extreme Nympho In Small Energetic Sizes--with me. We are on our way to Emerald City. Any news on Gerbal Loving American Sharpie Sniffer and No Inserting Cream Ejectors?"

"Nice to hear from you, and no, I have no news. Though I do believe that by now the Unclean One should have killed off an entire farm of turkeys, at least."

Morgan frowned, "Unclean One?"

"Hidan."

"Oh."

"I'll speak to you when you're ready to make your wish to Oz. Otaku Fudgesicle, out."

"See ya." Jolting when the radio was taken from her, she hesitated when she saw that Brandi was screaming into it.

"Exclamation Point!" She shook the radio. "Come in, Exclamation Point!" She collapsed to her knees, pounding the Yellow Brick Road with her fists, the rudest treatment it has yet received, no doubt. "No! We've lost her!"

"Um, Brandi…," Morgan hesitantly lay a hand on her shoulder, "there is no Exclamation Point."

"Yes there is," she sniffled.

"Who?"

"Cara, of course."

(Somewhere In Indiana…)

A girl with tightly curled dark hair and cute glasses sneezed as she played Guitar Hero 3, missing a note. Pausing, she looks up toward the heavens.

"…odd. I have the feeling someone called out for me in despair." She thought for a moment, then scrunched her nose. "Nah."

Cara went back to her game.

(Back In Oz…)

"Brandi," Morgan explained carefully, "Cara's not in this story, remember?"

Brandi blinked. "Oh yeah."

Rubbing her forehead, Morgan sighed. "Let's just get to the Emerald City."

(In Another Realm…)

Samantha was currently the happiest person alive.

I'm not even kidding.

She was surrounded by four bishies who, yes, were gifts for her friends, were also extremely attractive and in handcuffs. Yet, that wasn't even the best part.

No, the best part was that she was in Bleach, and she'd used her questionably Mary-Sue powers to force control over Ichigo and Renji--who she then made perform various acts of yaoi for her viewing pleasure.

Pant. Pant. "Ooh…Renji…"

"Mmm." Groan. Squirm. Moan. "Harder, fuck, Ichigo."

Oh yes, Samantha was currently a very happy little girl.

Very happy indeed.

(At The House…)

Upon reaching the surface, Ariel, Deidara, Sasori and Itachi realized that the house wasn't decorated in the least.

Ariel was very, very angry.

Pein curled tighter into the fetal position in the face of her anger, and the others wisely decided it would be best to avoid her wrath and start decorating.

All except for Itachi. No, he had decided to take a shower to remove the dirt from his hair before helping, but instead of doing as he'd promised, had hidden in his room immediately after escaping the bathroom. When asked why he wouldn't come out, he refused to answer.

After all, wouldn't you be embarrassed if you had hidden in your room because you were hiding from a hammer that had suddenly appeared behind you while you were washing your gorgeous, silky ebony locks?

Yes, yes you would.

…even if it was incredibly creepy.

(In Oz…)

The group had reached the Emerald City faster than they'd thought. After all, they'd only been held up once by a field of sleep-inducing poppies. (That oddly looked more like swirled lollipops than they did actual poppies…)

Entering the city, they went to see Oz, received the task of getting the Wicked Witch's broom, and promptly left. Obviously, the authoress was getting bored with that scene and did not wish to write it out.

(In The Wicked Witch's Castle…)

Tobi stared into his crystal ball longingly. Oh, but it had been love at first sight! Puppy was just so adorable! He wanted to cuddle him…hug him…kiss him…stroke him…dominate him so thoroughly that his ass would belong to Tobi for the rest of his days…

Tobi blinked, wondering where that last thought had come from.

Woah, he really needed to lay off the Nesquik.

Tobi sighed, stroking the crystal ball as the two faces of his loves came into view. Morgie-pyon was so wonderful…he loved her so very much…

"But if Tobi loves one, can Tobi love the other?" he asked himself.

And it was then that Tobi had an epiphany. Thus, Tobi's Brilliant and Cunning Plan came to be.

Grinning deviously, Tobi looked into the crystal ball.

Yes…Tobi could have both. Why? The answer is simple, dearies.

Tobi was a good boy.

(In Another Part Of Oz…)

Morgan was thoroughly confused.

What in the HELL was going on? This wasn't how it was supposed to be! Tobi was supposed to kidnap her, then Bark-Bark would lead Kisame and Kakuzu to the castle, and they would rescue her!

Then Tobi would melt.

Never would Morgan admit that that had been the part she'd been looking forward to the most--she had a hidden sadistic streak when it came to her adorable little masked lover.

Yet none of that happened. Instead here was Tobi--broom in hand, and willing to hand it over without a fight.

On the stairs of the FREAKING EMERALD CITY.

That was it. She gave up.

"Come on," she moaned, turning around walking right back into the city ignoring the horrified gasps and screams of the civilians as the Wicked Witch was in their midst.

Entering Oz's room/temple/place Morgan took the broom from Tobi and threw in front of the CGI abomination. "There, we got the broom. Give us the wishes."

"Wait!" Tobi cried, hands in the air defensively.

"What is it you want, Witch?!" Oz called defensively.

"Tobi will only let you keep Tobi's broom if Tobi can have a wish too!"

The room at large gasped, while Morgan merely sank to her knees and appeared to pray for a swift end.

Oz deliberated for a moment. "…you have a deal, Witch."

"Yay!" Tobi hopped up and down, obviously ecstatic. "Tobi wishes he could have two lovers!" Oz blinked at the odd request, and Morgan began to write her will on the room's floor by scratching the words in with her fingernails.

"…alright then," Oz answered slowly. "Morgan? Allow me to grant this wish?" Morgan twitched, but looked at Tobi's hopeful face and softened. "Who is it?"

Tobi pointed, "Puppy!"

Justin looked over his shoulders, checking to see who else was in that area of the room. To his chagrin, he realized that it was in fact him that Tobi was pointing at, and began to wish he'd provoked a munchkin enough to off him in the very beginning of this twisted adventure.

Morgan pursed her lips. "…alright. But only if I get as much attention, and you have to let me watch on Fridays."

"DEAL!" Tobi tackled Morgan, nuzzling her collar bone lovingly. "Thank you, Morgie-pyon!"

"Yeah, yeah," she huffed. Pulling out the radio, she contacted Ariel. "Yo, bitch? What wish did you bring me here to make?"

"Codenames! Codenames!"

"I'm tired, out of character, and I want to come home! You tell me what it is now, or I swear I will wish for you to have ears where the only thing you ever hear is MILEY CYRUS!"

Ariel gasped. "That's just cruel! Fine, fine. I wanted you to wish…for a fruitcake."

Morgan was dead silent for a moment. "…a fruitcake?"

"We needed one for the Christmas part of this holiday," Ariel explained. "And I don't know how to make one, so…"

"A fruitcake," Morgan repeated, sounding more hysterical as the seconds passed. "A fruitcake. A fruitcake! A FUCKING FRUITCAKE!"

"I'm gonna go now…"

The sound of the other radio turning off made Morgan collapse in a heaving Puddle of Twitch™.

Oz watched with wide eyes. "Er…should I just go ahead and…?"

"Just give us the fruitcake," Brandi ordered. Oz nodded, and a fruitcake was slid out from behind a nearby curtain to rest at Brandi's feet. Picking it up, she nudged Morgan. "Hey, Morgana? Tap your heels, so we can leave."

Pulling herself together, the girl did just that. "There's no place like home…there's no place like home…there's no place like home…"

A flash of light, and they all disappeared.

(At The House…)

Appearing in the living room where they'd been before heading to Oz unwillingly, they were greeted by Ariel, Sasori, Deidara, Pein, Konan and Itachi--who they'd had drag from his room with a length of flame retardant rope.

"Here's your fruitcake," Morgan hissed, tossing the plastic wrapped dessert that no one ever really ate Ariel.

Smiling warily, she set it on the table with the emerald, and just moments later a nice turkey as Stephanie came in with it fully cooked, and Hidan proudly covered in turkey blood.

Pein looked at Justin, cocking his head. "Who is this?"

Justin--who had no idea why he'd appeared here, and not at his apartment three states away, and why he still had puppy ears--went with the flow and held out a hand. "I'm Justin."

Pein leaned forward. "What's that boy? What's that?"

Grinding his teeth, Justin took a deep breath. "My name. It's Justin."

"Timmy's in the well, you say? Timmy's in the well?" Turning, Pein ran from the room. "I'm coming Timmy!"

Justin fell into an open spot on the couch. "I hate all of you."

"No you don't, Bark-Bark," Morgan said, patting his knee.

He blinked. "You-you can understand me?!"

Morgan looked at him like he was an idiot. "Of course I can, I always have been."

"B-but in Oz--and you ignored me--and--"

"Oh that," she waved a hand. "That was for fun. We all could always understand you."

Justin became dangerously quiet then. "I think I hate all of you. I can't wait until I can get home."

"Home?" Morgan snorted. "You are home."

"W…what?" "Don't you get it?" She pet one of his ears. "You are now the official Pet of the TFCC. Congratulations! Welcome to the family!"

Justin slowly turned into the couch cushions…opened his mouth…and…

"ARGHHHH!!!!"

"Don't worry, un," Deidara consoled, rubbing Justin's back. "You'll get used to them. We did."

Tobi lay himself across Justin's back. "Yay, lover!"

Justin passed out.

Tobi frowned. "Was it something Tobi said?" Konan stared at the door Pein had left through, a frown turning her lips downward at the corners. "…I'm going to go find him. You guys go ahead." She left.

"Alrighty then," Ariel grinned, "let's get this party started!"

(Bleach-Verse…)

Samantha frowned as her body felt the familiar tug, sighing as she realized it was time to leave.

"Damn, and it was just getting good."

A flash, and they were gone.

Ichigo and Renji blinked, their minds coming back into their control as they stared at each other, then jumped apart like they'd just stepped on hot coals.

"Why are you naked?!"

"Me, why are you naked?!"

"AHHHH!"

"AHHHH!"

(The House…)

Samantha appeared in the living room, blinking as she looked around. "What…?"

"SURPRISE!"

Her friends all tossed an arm over her shoulder, grinning like no tomorrow as she stared at them in shock. "Surprise?"

"Your birthday silly!" Ariel handed Sam the emerald. "Here's your present. Not only is it extremely valuable, but it has the power to grant one wish."

She accepted it wordlessly, still too shocked to react. "Th-thanks…" Looking down at the ropes she held, she remembered what she'd gotten and smiled. "I got you guys some things too." Taking Joey, she shoved him at Brandi. "Here."

Brandi jumped on the blonde. "Just what I wanted!"

"Nyeh?" Joey said confusedly.

"This one's for you," Samantha said, uncuffing Zero and handing him over to Morgan.

The girl grew sparkly eyed, wrapping herself around him like a child would cling to a teddy bear. "This makes it all worth it," she moaned.

"Stephanie," Samantha handed Bakura over, "I know you like elves, and I thought he looked a bit…elf-like."

Stephanie grabbled the British boy's white head, pulling it to the side and poking his ears. "…they are sufficiently pointy, I suppose." Grinning she added, "Let's see if the rest of him is as pointy as his ears." She dragged him upstairs to her and Hidan's room.

"And finally, for Ariel." Marik was thrown into Ariel's arms, where he pulled himself back and crossed his arms and glared.

Ariel stared at him in wonder. "…call me a whorebiscuit."

Marik blinked. "What?"

"Whorebiscuit," Ariel explained, "call me a whorebiscuit."

Confused, Marik raised an eyebrow. "…whorebiscuit."

Ariel squeeled and tackled Marik to the ground, pulling chains from beneath the couch and binding him at the arms and legs. She then dragged him upstairs, where Morgan and Brandi had also gone just moments before, happily whistling a merry tune.

Samantha tucked her emerald into her pocket, glad that her friends were happy. Turning around, she looked at the Akatsuki males, her friends lovers, and a sudden image of Ichigo and Renji appeared in her mind, and morphed into the males before her doing those same acts. The emerald in her pocket felt heavy, all of a sudden.

"Any wish, huh…," she mused.

The Akatsuki exchanged frightened glances, recognizing the look in Samantha's eyes for what it truly was.

A die-hard yaoi fangirl had just been born.

(Later…)

It wouldn't be until the next day, after their presents had been sent back to their respective shows, that Morgan would turn to Brandi and ask, "You know, we never did find out who Oz really was behind the curtain."

Brandi shrugged, too preoccupied with the glint in Sam's eyes that suggested she was pairing up everything male in the vicinity and that that same glint would soon spread to the rest of the females in the house, to care about some guy behind a curtain. "Maybe someday we'll find out," she said.

(In Oz…)

Justin Timberlake leaned back in his plush emerald green armchair, tired after putting up with the craziness that was the TFCC. Looking through the window at what would be the next guest to visit the Great and Powerful Oz, Chuck Norris, he winced.

Maybe bringing sexy back hadn't been that bad of a job after all, he though.

As Chuck Norris entered in a cloud of glitter and manliness, Justin Timberlake decided that this thought was correct, and picked up the phone to call his manager and get his job as a singer and star of the wet dreams of teens and young adults back.

He only hoped he could have his position secured and be out of there before the frilly dressed monstrosity found him behind the curtain.

The End.

vampgirl8:

Thank you for reading this! It took forever to do! Gods, I'm tired.

Please, review and tell me your favorite parts, lines, characters, etc. I'd really appreciate it!

Also, for those who think it might be fun, I'd like you to take a stab in the dark about why Funshine Bear hates Itachi so much. Just what is their past together? I know...but do any of you? Props to anyone who can guess correctly!

See you guys next time!

Ja ne!

vampgirl8