For NewMoonFlicker, because she understands what I mean in the last line.
Your face is cold
Or maybe it's just my fingertips
So frigid, like icicles that
Freeze what they touch
Like the touch of Midas, only this is not gold
If my touch made you gold, it would make me what we have sought so long
But nothing comes just from a wish
Unlike a fairy-tale
We must give if we wish to gain
And I gave my
Arm, my leg, my
Heart (in thought, if not in deed)
I gave it up, and this is what I've gained
Equivalent Trade
But nothing about you now is equal
For now you are cold
Or maybe it's just me
With my heart of steel
And my calloused hands
That clap, and clap again
Pouring myself into the science of my soul
Yet how can science include the soul
When a soul cannot be felt
Cannot be measured
Or defined?
Why is there no
Experiment to prove your existence?
Where is the law
That allows you to be alive?
Who but me can say
That you are alive
That you are here with me?
But then they tear me down
These texts of another genius
Surely that cannot be me
That handwriting has never looked less familiar
Those jabbed 'i's
Slashed 't's
Like I'm cutting my heart to shreds
With the truth of reality of this dreamlike semi-existence
How can you be alive
When the truth is staring back at me?
Yet how can you be dead
When I can reach out and touch you
Though you are cold to the touch?
I know how; it's because
You're still warm inside
I can almost feel it, beating
Your heart
Somewhere far away from me
Though I want it beside me
Why can I not reach it
When I can hear it loud in my ears
When I can nearly feel it when my hands
So cold, so rough
Touch your chest
With that dull bang of steel on steel?
And I forget my questions
When I look into your eyes, and I
Forget what I was going to say, because
Nothing can say it
No words
Nothing
So I remain silent
And you wish I would speak
But my lips will not part
And I can find no words
To say
Anything
Everything
Like "How are you holding up?"
Or "I swear I'll bring you back"
Or "Of course you're human"
Or "Yes, little brother. I love you."
For those humble words are
Mundane and inadequate
And the words to describe them are
Miserably hollow
And nothing can express what I feel
Inside this cold chest of mine
My heart is not half so warm as yours
Though it's right here with me
In thought, it's over there with you
So maybe that's why
I carry this heart of steel
It's Equivalent Trade, isn't it?
I trade my humanity
For yours
You remain innocent
My hands are bloodied with
The lifeblood of a dog and
The dozens of people that I hurt
With my words and my actions of hidden, selfish love
But I do not complain
This is what I'm willing to give
Yes, everything
My very life, my very soul
All for you
Without a second thought
Don't ask me to stop when I've already made up my mind
When I've made a promise
That I will never ever break
I don't care if I
Beat myself into the ground, if I
Can only lift you up
And in this moment, I
Think of all these things I should have thought before
For now there's no time left
I can see what must be done
And I know you would protest, but
The blood is shining on the ground and it's mine
This is what I'd give for you
My heart pumps out that blood, inexorably
I can't pull back now
I have been a terrible big brother, haven't I?
I should have shown you how to live
How to die
How to love
Well, maybe I can show you that at least
I don't want you to follow in my steps except
That last item
The last one on the list
But the most important
Will you still love me when you find out?
Yes, of course you will, because you're
Alphonse
Ah, the moments pass so quickly, and they're all stripped away
Once, twice, gone forever
Like the swinging of a pendulum
Like the ticking of a clock
Like the beats of an executioner's drum
The moments of my life are here, but just as fast they're
Gone
I will never see the sun again
Nor the moon
Nor feel the wind in my hair
Nor hear the sound of a cat inside your armor
Nor destroy my arm to Winry's dismay
Never, never again
But I don't mind so much, I think
Because this is Equivalent Trade
And I will give it all up for you
The moments swiftly tick by
And my death creeps ever closer
I am so cold, so
Warm, so
Overwhelmed by everything and nothing in every moment that slips by
Forever
But my heart swells
That cold, steel heart
Because I know that you will live
Though I pass on
And I know that you will cry
And wonder why and how this ever happened
But you will live
I know you will live
And you will love
Because I showed you how to do that, at the very least
And as my eyesight blurs
As everything becomes nothing, fuzzy and soft where before were only harsh lines
My finger trails through my blood
That seeps out in a puddle all around me
And I trace a sentence in the red ink
Indelible
I hope you will see it, and forgive me for all the terrible things I've done
But I know you will forgive me, because you are
My Alphonse
And I know that you will understand
And I know that you will vindicate me
When you read what I write
When you read:
"I love you."
Vindicate: verb (used with object) - to clear, as from an accusation, imputation, suspicion, or the like.
Author's Note: This poem is far from my usual style, which is much more structured and nearly always rhymes. But I wanted to try out something different, something I'd never done before. There were two inspirations for this poem. One was panda105's outstanding fic "Laws of Devining"; the other was the song "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional (from the Spider-Man 2 soundtrack, and an incredibly awesome song). I was reading chapter 8 of "Laws of Devining" and thinking that it would be awesome to be able to write like that. Then I listened to "Vindicated" and nearly exploded XD Just to clarify, this is an alternate ending to the story.