Chapter Nine
Nothing Better

The days have passed by agonizingly slow. There is nothing interesting going on whatsoever.

Not really. It's just a long walk to the cafeteria. I sit down with my lunch of mashed potatoes covered in pseudo-gravy, peas and something resembling chicken. These people are worse than school lunch ladies. They're all probably school lunch rejects. How bad of a cook do you have to be to be a school lunch reject?

The area immediately around me clears out. I glance around.

"Do I stink or something?"

There's a light chuckle as someone sits on my right. It's Allison.

"No, they're all just slightly afraid of you."

I grin and am about to dig in when someone sits to my left. This time it's Rachel.

She smiles timidly before brushing her hair behind her ear. She then proceeds to count her peas.

"I just saw Susan in line. She's got two black eyes and tape holding her nose in place."

I look up and spot the girl in question. Ouch. She looks like she got smacked in the face with a table. Heh.

"What the hell are you doing?"

I look at Allison, who is looking at Rachel. I decide to turn my head to look at the petite girl as well. She's still counting her peas.

"Planning how to turn gerbils into my evil minions and then use them to take over the world. Why? Does it look like something else?"

Laughter just explodes from me. Several people turn to look. They quickly look away.

Allison is smiling too, but she's just shaking her head.

"I have obsessive-compulsive disorder."

I grin at Rachel.

"So, what? If something falls on the ground, you have to pick it up?"

She finishes counting her peas, sets her fork down and looks up at me.

"Think about it like this. Say I spill all of my peas on the ground. Immediately, I have the idea that those need to be picked up. Now, because I've had this idea, there is suddenly a gun to my head, and someone will pull the trigger if I don't follow through on the idea. Only, I know there is no gun. And I know that nothing will happen if I don't pick them up. But I cannot physically stop myself from doing it because the gun will go off if I don't."

Jesus.

"Jesus."

She fakes a smile before turning back to her meal and starts methodically eating her peas.

--

It's rec time. I'm sitting at the same picnic table as before, and Rachel is across from me, watching me.

"So, what did you get arrested for?"

I shrug.

"Stole some cars. You?"

She pushes her hair behind her ear again. Nervous habit, I guess.

"I stabbed my dad in the arm. Twenty-seven times. With a pen."

I look at her, wide-eyed.

"For what?"

She looks away, her expression grim.

"For moving the furniture around."

I blink at her for several long moments.

"So I take it you're not a fan of feng shui?"

She giggles and looks over my shoulder.

"Not especially. I got a deal because of diminished capacity. Here comes Allison."

I turn and wave at the tall girl as she walks up. Well, walks as best she can with Wes dragging her.

"Wes! Dammit! Slow down! Hey! Shit!"

He pulls the leash from her hand and sprints the last three feet to me, leaping into my lap in the process. After a few moments of trying to regain my breath and trying to adjust the dog so he's not crushing the life out of me, I turn back to Rachel.

"Diminished capacity, huh?"

She nods and blushes.

"It makes me sound stupid, I know. My lawyer pleaded it out that yes, I knew what I was doing, but there was no way for me to stop myself. That and I was provoked."

I nod and scratch Wes absently behind the ears. Allison leans back against the table and looks at the other girl over her shoulder.

"That's right. You got thrown in here for killing some guy over moving a fork or something."

Rachel rolls her eyes and starts tapping out a cadence on the tabletop.

"Or something."

The conversation drops and I look out over the rec yard. I notice miss black-eyes playing basketball.

"Hey, I'll be right back."

They look at me curiously as I push Wes off my lap and stand.

I walk quickly over the to the basketball court. People stop and watch me with every step I take. When I reach the court, the whole yard seems dead quiet.

She has her back to me, but when one of the other girls nods at me, she looks over her shoulder. Her face is impassive as she turns completely to me.

"The hell do you want?"

I shrug and grin.

"Look, I just want to say no hard feelings. Maybe I went a little overboard, but that was after you got me twice. And you messed with my food. You don't mess with my food."

She looks me up and down before nodding.

"Yeah, whatever. We're cool."

I nod and turn to walk away. Rachel's shout of 'Sam!' reaches me an instant before the ball hits the back of my head and lays me out flat.

Next thing I know someone is on my back choking me.

"You break my fucking nose, then say 'No hard feelings?' Fuck you! I'll fucking kill you."

Spots start swimming in front of my eyes. Then, the pressure is gone and I'm sucking in air like a vacuum. I didn't know that air could actually taste good. I love air. I'm never going to hold my breath again.

I roll over and see little Miss Prissy Bitch being restrained by the guards. Another guard hauls me to my feet and drags my ass away.

"But I didn't even do anything this time!"

--

I hate this office. It's blue.

"Miss Puckett."

I really hate this office. Have I mentioned that I hate – nay, loathe – blue? Heh. Nay. Horses must never agree with anything. They always say neigh. That was lame. Mr. Ed is too cool to suffer through lame neigh jokes. Nay? Heh.

"Warden."

She sighs. I roll my eyes.

"Actually, it's superintendent, but that's not the point. You haven't even been out of solitary confinement for a day. Is the rest of your time here going to be like this?"

I shake my head violently.

"No! I didn't even… I walked over to tell her no hard feelings. I was apologizing. She said we were cool, so I turned and walked away and she jumped me!"

She sighs again. I must be really frustrating.

"So my guards tell me. Because you didn't physically do anything – this time – I'll count this as your free pass. Anything else – and I do mean anything – and you will find yourself in jail much longer than you bargained for. Now get out."

I nod slowly, chagrined. Then I look up at her with a mischievous grin.

"Do you have a thing for blue or something?"

She glares at me.

"Out!"

--

Nighttime. Lights out. Rachel is making her bed. Again.

"So, where ya from?"

She pauses to check that I am indeed talking to her. Then she resumes as she answers.

"Seattle. You?"

I grin.

"No shit? Me too. So are you going to King County after you're done here?"

She nods.

"Yep. I've got two more weeks and then I'll be transferred."

I grin.

"Sweet. Maybe we'll get bunked up again when I get there."

She looks at me and smiles.

"Yeah. It'd be nice to have someone who doesn't find it fun to torment me."

I'm silent as I process that.

"Hey, if anyone is pushing you around, let me know. I'll get your back. I'm feared, after all."

She giggles and nods but doesn't face me.

I drift off to sleep to the sound of her stripping her sheets down again.

--

"So I heard you got in trouble again yesterday."

I'm sitting upside down in the chair looking at the underside of Dr. Doctor's desk. For some reason, the chair is immensely more comfortable like this. Deceitful little bastard.

"I just apologized. She came after me."

She mmhmm's me and scratches away at her notepad.

"So, did you think on what we talked about last time?"

I nod.

"Yeah, but I don't know what I can do. I mean, I'm sarcastic, mean, and good at beating people up and stealing things. Not exactly good job skills, you know?"

Scritch scratch.

"But you also have other things going for you, don't you?"

I look at the underside of her desk like she's crazy.

"Yeah. Like ummm… care to help me out here?"

She chuckles.

"You're resourceful, faithful, intelligent and great at reading people."

I raise an eyebrow. Although, considering I'm upside-down, I guess I'm lowering it.

"So, what? I'd be a great poker player?"

She laughs and I hear more scratching.

"Just think on it some more and we'll keep coming back to it, okay? Today we're going to do Rorschach tests. Do you know what those are?"

I nod, but otherwise don't move.

"It's where you show me ink blobs and I tell you if they look like decapitated ducks or bloody human hands or whatever."

I'm assuming she nods, because a few seconds later, a picture is lowered in front of my face.

"It looks like a pen exploded on a piece of paper."

The picture doesn't move. I study it for a second.

"A pony."

The picture is replaced by another.

"A ham sandwich."

When the picture isn't removed, I turn over in the chair and look at her right-side up.

"Seriously. It looks like a ham sandwich."

She looks at me strangely before pulling out another picture. And another. And another.

This goes on for probably an hour. By the end of it, I feel like I'm repeating myself. I've seen at least twenty ham sandwiches and a few plates of bacon. I'm really hungry now. I can't wait for dinner.

"Alright Sam, that's it for today. I'll see you tomorrow."

I blink at the abrupt dismissal.

"That's it? No startling revelations about my disturbed inner workings? No calling the men in white coats because I'm harboring homicidal tendencies?"

She grins and shakes her head.

"Not today. Maybe tomorrow."

I slump in my chair, pretending to be disappointed.

"Fine. I guess I can wait one more day."

She laughs. I climb to my feet and head out to meet my armed escort.

--

It's Saturday.

I'm sitting on my bunk, reading. Gasp! I know, but there's nothing else to do. Rachel is nowhere to be found. I think she's visiting with Dr. Doctor. Whatever.

"Puckett, visitor."

I look to the door and freeze in surprise. Then a smile blossoms on my face.

Carly.

The guard leads me to a community visitation room with tables and stuff. No hands off here in minimum security.

I walk through the door and immediately spot Carly and Spencer.

She grins as I hurry over to her. She stands as I reach her and we wrap each other up so tight I think my head might pop off. It'd be worth it.

When we break apart, she's blushing madly, but still grinning like an idiot. I really want to kiss her, but I remember my other visitor. I look over at Spencer, and he's smiling softly. I grin at him.

We sit down, Carly practically sitting on my lap, she's so close. I sling an arm around her shoulder.

"So, cupcake, miss me?"

Her smile is a little sadder, but she nods.

"Of course. What happened last week?"

I remove my arm from around her shoulders and pick at the paint on the table.

"I got in a fight my first day here. They said I could do a week in solitary or six more months. I took the week in solitary."

Carly's giving me that look. The one that says, 'Sam, I thought we'd been over this. Countless times.'

"Sam."

I look her dead in the eyes, completely serious.

"She dumped my food on my head."

Carly blinks and smirks.

"You and your food. Just don't do it again."

I roll my eyes and nod.

"So, what's been going on in the outside world?"

She shrugs and smiles, turning her entire body toward me.

"Well, Mrs. Benson finally caught Freddie smoking."

My eyes must have been close to popping out of my head because Carly just laughs.

"I know, right? We were on the roof, and she comes out looking for him. I thought a vein was going to pop in her forehead. It was all bulging and gross and Schwarzenegger-like. She was just frozen. And Freddie! God! He just keeps puffing away, staring at his mom. It was like neither one of them had a clue of what to do. It was kind of funny actually."

I smile and laugh at the mental picture of Mrs. Benson. Good for you, Freddie.

"Finally, she walks up to him and pulls the cigarette out of his mouth and puts it in the can he uses for an ashtray. Then she grabs him by the ear and drags him inside, telling him she's going to wash his mouth out with soap until it doesn't smell like he's been sucking on a car exhaust."

I shake my head. She probably gave him a tick bath, too.

"And iCarly's been doing alright, but everyone keeps asking where you are. Me and Freddie decided we'd do special guest star co-hosts until you get back. Because Freddie sucks in front of the camera. Like uber-sucks. He cannot do your job. He's too serious for it. And Freddie doesn't really trust any of his AV friends to take his job. It's like he's afraid they'll take his job. It almost made me wish for Zeebo back."

I shudder. I will forever hate dinosaurs. Especially singing ones that have names that begin with 'Z' and end with 'eebo.'

"So who was your first guest star?"

She points her thumb at Spencer like a hitchhiker.

"Woah. So, how'd you do?"

He grins.

"I didn't set anything on fire."

Carly clears her throat and his face falls.

"Well, not anything important. Just your remote."

I stare at him in disbelief. I've had a lot of good times with that remote.

Spencer holds up his hand pinches the air.

"A little. Very little. It was just superficial."

Carly looks shakes her head.

"The fire department showed up."

Spencer looks at the ground, blushing.

"And the police."

He sinks a little lower.

"And the dog catcher, for some reason that I still can't figure out."

He practically disappears under the table as he tries to defend himself.

"Yeah, well… I didn't think I looked like a Great Dane. Even with the dog collar."

He sighs and straightens out a little.

"After that, I wasn't allowed near the camera. But other than that, it went well."

It feels good to laugh like this. Now if only Spencer weren't here…

"How does it feel to have a bed all to yourself?"

Her cheeks turn bright red, and I can tell she wants to smack me in the shoulder. She won't though, Spencer would ask questions.

"It's different. Weird. I'm not really used to sleeping without you more than once or twice a week."

I grin.

"So, you enjoy sleeping with me. I'll remember that."

Carly does the impossible – she blushes even harder. Spencer looks at us strangely, as if he's trying to figure out exactly what's going on. Time to head him off at the pass.

"How's my mom?"

Carly shrugs, all traces of happiness gone from her face.

"Same as usual. Freddie's been going over with me. He doesn't want me to get trapped there with your mom's boyfriend. We haven't seen him at all, and we've only seen your mom like once, but still."

I nod. I should have thought of that. Freddie's a good man. I'll never tell him that, of course, but it's the truth.

"What about you? How's prison life?"

I shrug.

"About as exciting as staring at a bowl of peas for seven hours, waiting for one of them to move, and then getting whacked in the face by a baseball bat."

She stares at me in confusion.

"What?"

I nod.

"Exactly."

She laughs and throws her arms around me.

"God, I've missed you."

I squeeze her tightly in return as I feel a few tears threatening to make themselves known. I bury my face in the crook of her neck and breathe deeply. I love her smell. I've missed her smell.

"I've missed you too, Carls."

--

This sucks. More than anything. Even more than if all the pigs decided they'd had enough and all jumped in a spaceship and left Earth. Then, they'd find some pig paradise. Like a planet covered in mud and corn. Then, there'd be a giant mud monster and it would develop a taste for pork. And a hero would emerge to vanquish the mud monster! And he'd be Hamsquad, the Defender of Ham! It would be an epic battle and…

Um… yeah.

Seeing the person you love for an hour a week and having no other contact with them sucks like that. Not the Hamsquad part, but the rest of it. Definitely.

"You okay?"

I look at Allison sitting on my right, spaghetti dangling from her mouth. I roll my eyes and shrug.

"Just counting the minutes until next Saturday."

She nods and slurps up some pasta, red sauce ringing her mouth.

"Yeah, I saw you in the visiting room. Who were you with?"

I'm already done with my dinner and I start eyeing Rachel's. Melancholy doesn't affect this girl's appetite. Seeing my gaze, the redhead shakes her head and puts her arm around her food as if to guard it from me. I slump a little. She giggles. I turn back to Allison and answer her.

"My girlfriend and her brother."

Her eyes widen.

"Oh."

Pause.

"You mean like, girlfriend girlfriend?"

I look at her strangely and nod.

"Huh. I never would have pegged you. I guess she was kind of cute. Not really my type, though."

Rachel looks over from where she's trying to untangle her spaghetti – and doing a strangely good job at it.

"And what is your type? Someone like Sam?"

Allison mock glares at the grinning redhead. I blush.

"No, it's more… tall, dark and equipped with a penis."

I grin.

"So a dominatrix with a dildo. I'll keep an eye out for you."

Rachel laughs and Allison punches me in the arm. Good times.

--

"Sam?"

Its lights out, and I'm just at that point where I think I might have fallen asleep, but Rachel's voice brings me back from the edge of blissful oblivion.

"Guh?"

I guess she understands my grunt. Which is really impressive, considering it could either have meant 'What?' or 'Fuck off, I'm sleeping. Disturb me and you shall die. A permanent kind of death that will leave you deader than dead dirt with dead things in it.' Whichever.

"How did you know you were gay?"

I sigh. It is way too late at night for this talk. And it's not like I've got any helpful hints for her. Hell, I didn't even know.

"Iunno. Shup an godoslep."

Everything is silent again, and I hope she's taken my pillow-muffled suggestion and nodded the fuck off.

I can already see Carly waiting for me in dreamy-land when Rachel's voice rudely pulls me back again. I sit up violently and glare through the darkness at her.

"What the fuck do you want!? I don't have anything for you! I didn't fucking know until Carly kissed me! I mean – fu – the – shit! I – th – fuck! Why are you laughing!?"

I am so beyond pissed that laughter is a capital offense. Punishable by a death even deathlier than the aforementioned death. Ooh. Aforementioned. Big word.

"I'm sorry. I just… I think…"

I roll my eyes and flop back onto my bed as I commence staring into the blackness of the ceiling.

"You think you might be gay and you just want to know how I knew and just to be sure would I kiss you and yadda yadda yadda. Well, it ain't happenin' sister. I had to figure it out on my own, and you're on your own too. That's the way of shit. Now stop laughing."

I can hear her trying to control her giggles, and the sound makes me smile.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Sam, but I'm really not into you, or girls. At all. I'm wondering because I think my sister is, and she's a lot like you, so…"

I'm blushing. Fuck.

"Yeah. Sure. Likely story. Now go to sleep. And never mention this conversation again. Ever. Like the ever ending ever of evers. And beyond."

I smile at her soft laughter as I'm finally allowed to drift off to the wonderful world of dreams, where Carly awaits me with a slab of ham and a four-poster bed.

Mmmm. Nothing better.

--