Deidara's mission in Konoha

Epic fail is epic fail. And that's what you are if you can't handle the simple task of catching a stupid, noisy boy that loves to wear eye-stabbing colors like orange. And you can't complain when you tell your bitchy boss you have failed again and he glares at you in disbelief and yells like mad, desperately plucking at his orange hair.

"You're hopeless! All of you! Maybe I should just quit this whole thing, retire and dedicate the rest of my life to writing porn. I did learn a thing or two about this, so I might make a decent writer. Even when I was much younger, I did have promising skills, or so I was told by Pervy Sa-… Uh, forget it."

Everyone threw worried glances at Pain, wondering if he had lost his mind. Then they remembered he must have lost his mind long ago, so they relaxed and concluded this was merely his usual crap.

"What happened this time?" Pain sighed wearily. "It's a goddamned ramen-addicted moron, for god's sake! What makes it so difficult?"

"Well. He did surprise us with that awkward jutsu." Kisame said quietly, staring at his feet.

"What jutsu?" Pein glared at him impatiently, but Kisame blushed a little and kept looking down. Itachi rolled his eyes.

"He means the crowd of naked blond girls who tried to glomp us. Kisame got a bit dizzy when they started shaking their tits in his face and…"

"All right, all right, I got it." Too many of their reports ended with something embarrassing and Pain didn't want to hear another story. "We need more information about that damn jinchuriki. I'm sending one of you to Konoha as a spy. Something tells me you'll mess up again, but we can at least try. Whoever does the task will need a better disguise this time. I think cross-dressing will do."
At the last sentence everyone stared at him dumbly, wondering once again if he had lost the last bits of sanity he had. If he had any left at all.

"Now the question is who will do that."

Pain's gaze moved from face to face and they averted their eyes sheepishly. Soon all the Akatsuki members were staring at the floor. Then slowly, one by one, they looked at Deidara.

"What? C'mon guys, you can't be serious. Why me?" Deidara's face turned red.

"I think it's obvious," Itachi said and the rest started nodding.

"I've decided. Deidara, it's you."

"But, leader, I…"

"It's an order."

Deidara bit his lip in frustration and the others sighed in relief.

"Konan will give you some clothes and tips about… er… girly stuff."

…

They were gathered in front of Deidara's room.

"Damn it, when will he come out? What's taking him so long?" Pain was nervously pacing back and forth.

"I agree it's high time for him to 'come out', it was obvious to everyone that he…" Itachi started, but Kisame elbowed him and he shut up.

"Damn it, Deidara, are you ready?" Pain banged on the door.

"Well...um... yeaah," a trembling voice came from inside the room.

"Show yourself then, we wanna see." Sasori urged him.

"No!"

"Deidara come here, or I'll get in there and kick your ass out of the room," Pain shouted and the door opened slowly. Deidara made a few uncertain steps out. He was wearing a short red skirt, revealing his now well shaved legs, a tight white shirt, unbuttoned in a way that revealed some of his red bra that was filled with god knows what, red shoes with high heels, and bright red lipstik. His blond hair was in pigtails and on his face was an attempt of seductive expression. They had practiced that a lot in front of the mirror, together with Konan.
He had expected everyone to burst out laughing, but they were just staring at him in silence and there was some strange excitement in their eyes. A very wrong kind of excitement, in Deidara's opinion.

"Now that's hot." Itachi had meant to say it with sarcasm, but his words sounded a bit too sincere for his liking. And a bit too breathy.

"Awwww, now Tobi feels like a bad boy! Something odd is going on in Tobi's pants."

"Shut the fuck up, you bastards!"

"Deidara, such a bad language is not appropriate for a pretty lady like you." Itachi winked at him.

Kisame was blushing again.

"Enough." Pain decided to put an end to Deidara's torment. He hadn't missed the dirty glint in everyone's eyes and thought it was better to send Deidara away immediately.

"Deidara, you leave for Konoha right now. Just get out of here before something very wrong happens to you."

"He'll get raped before he gets to Konoha," Hidan smirked. Kakuzu turned to him.

"Wanna bet?"

…

There were trees everywhere, and then more and more trees. Poor Deidara was undoubtedly lost. There was no one around and he was getting desperate. On top of that his high heels were killing him.

He had lost all hope when he saw a man sleeping under a tree. There were empty bottles of sake and a few open books scattered around him. On the page of one of the books Deidara could see a picture that made him blush. He approached the man and carefully pulled a strand of his long white hair. The man stirred and fixed his foggy eyes on him.

"Excuse me, can you tell me which way Konoha is?" Deidara said, trying to make his voice more girlish.

"I'll show you the way, pretty lady, but first you'll help me with my research," Jiraiya said, grabbing Deidara's ass. And before Deidara could even say a word, he was pinned to the ground. With a desperate struggle Deidara managed to sneak away and ran like crazy in a random direction, which, luckily for him, happened to be the way to Konoha.

'This lady looks strangely familiar, like someone I've seen before, but who?' Jiraiya thought. 'I remember a girl like this one. Blond hair, blue eyes, whisker marks… Wait, this one didn't have whisker marks… Damn it, I'm too drunk to remember.'

…

Slightly worried about the effect of his new appearance, Deidara managed to reach Konoha. He took a minute to fix his make-up and his hair, and then he walked through the gate, but Izumo and Kotetsu stopped him.

"Hey, sweety, where do you think you're going?" Izumo said. The girl looked familiar to him. 'Blue eyes, blond hair, damn hot, she reminds me of someone I've seen around.'

"Well...uh... I come from the Village Hidden in Hotness and I'm here on a mission requested by your hokage. I'm supposed to demonstrate to Konoha shinobi our special sex ninjutsu." Deidara hoped they would buy this. It was Konan's idea, and as much as he hated it, she had persuaded him to give it a try.

"Never heard of it, but that sounds amazing," Kotetsu exclaimed. "Wait here, I'll inform the hokage about your arrival."

"Uh, you know, I'm sort of in a big hurry. If you just let me go, I promise to come back later and perfom some of my sex ninjutsu just for you two." Deidara smiled seductively like Konan had taught him. Izumo and Kotetsu looked at each other, then they looked at Deidara's butt and finally said "All right, you can go, just make sure to keep your promise."

'Well, that was easy,' Deidara thought. However, his joy was short-lived. About five minutes after his entry, an angry man approached him, brows furrowed and fists clenched.

"Damn you, Uzumaki," Ebisu yelled at him. "This is your freaky jutsu again! At least you had the decency to wear some clothing this time and your hair is a bit different, but I can still recognize you. Who the hell do you think you are, walking around and looking so hot… uh… I mean inappropriate."

Deidara looked at him sweetly and fluttered his eyelashes. Konan had told him this usually worked when you're in trouble. Apparently it worked on Pain.

"I just can't take this any more! " Ebisu ran away, pressing a hand to his bleeding nose.

'What was that freak talking about?' Deidara wondered, confused by the odd encounter. Apparently, his new look attracted weirdoes, so he decided to stay away from the main streets and soon got lost in a labyrinth of small dark lanes.

He went around a corner and nearly bumped into a redhead who seemed to be in a big hurry. The boy smiled at him. No, it wasn't a smile, it was a manic grin. Deidara felt uneasy and still couldn't figure out why people here reacted to him so oddly. Evil green eyes, lined with black, were fixed on him with the curiosity and eagerness a crazy doctor feels before dissecting a creature of unknown species.

"Naruto, I've been looking for you!" Gaara blurted out, still panting a bit from all the running. "So this is your famous transformation jutsu. I was wondering why people were so impressed, but now that I've seen it myself, it makes me feel… odd."

Gaara glanced nervously down at his pants, then looked back at Deidara.

"Um… Naruto… All the things you talk about, that friendship thing, affection and love, you know, I've been thinking a lot about that and... I wanna know what love is." Gaara made a pause, fidgeting a bit. "And I think that you're just the right person to show me."

Deidara still couldn't get it, but something made him alert.

"Uh, you know, emotional aspects of love still confuse me a lot..." Gaara went on. "So... I think we should start with the physical part."

Guessing what was going to happen, Deidara wanted to protest, but it was too late. Sand captured him and he couldn't make a move. He started panicking when his skirt was pulled up.

"At first I couldn't find you, so I asked Kakashi about love." The redhead's hot breath burned Deidara's cheek. "He didn't tell me anything, but he gave me a book and said it held the answers to the most important questions. I read it very carefully about three times and I still wonder why no one ever told me people could do such things to each other with what's inside their pants."

"N-no, you got it wrong," Deidara shrieked in a thin voice when he was knocked to the ground and something stiff rubbed against him. He still had no idea what exactly the redhead was talking about, but it was clear to him what the boy intended to do. Gaara's hand slipped under his skirt.

"Uh, Naruto… Right now you look like a girl, with boobs and all… Is this thing supposed to be there?"

"Oh god, just… don't squeeze it like this!"

"Hm, it feels a lot like mine. Does it get you all hot and tingly when I have my hand there? It makes me feel like this when I rub mine."

"S-Stop that!"

"Well, I'm curious. Kankuro just smirks and Temari yells at me when I ask them about these things."

"Don't… don't touch…"

"But, Naruto, in the book they say that…"

"Aaah, just stop! I'm a boy, you're a boy, it doesn't work like this!"

"Right now you're a girl, aren't you?"

"No! I…"

"But after Kakashi gave me that book I started looking for you, and I asked Sakura where you were, and she didn't know, and I got angry, and I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, and then she dropped that thing she was holding, and it fell to the ground and I took it, and I looked at it, and it was a manga, and there was this picture in it, a very interesting picture, and I asked Sakura why the two naked boys in the manga were kissing and touching each other, and she blushed and ran away."

Deidara was speechless.

"So I read the manga very carefully about three times. And I'm not sure why, but so much reading seems to make my pants feel very uncomfortable. They squeeze me and I want to take them off, but Temari told me so many times that I can't do such things in front of people. But now there are no other people here, Naruto, it's just you and me."

Deidara was a bit relieved when the redhead's fingers stopped clutching a certain part of him so tightly. He thought the exploring hand was retreating, but panic gripped him again when he realized the hand was just moving to another place.

"Oh god, don't touch there!"

"But, Naruto, in the manga one of the boys did this before… before they…"

"That's three fingers, are you crazy? I can't…"

"I think now you're ready."

"What? No!"

"Is this what they call 'bonding with your friends'? I wonder."

"Wait, that's big!"

"Yeah, I know. I was a bit confused how something like this could fit in such a tight place, but the picture in the manga showed very clearly that it does go in there. All of it."

"Nooooo"

"See? It's inside now."

"I fucking see, damn it, now take it out!"

"No, Naruto, now I'm supposed to do these weird movements. Like this, I think. Oooh."

It took Gaara three minutes to come.

"You were right, Naruto," Gaara said with a grateful smile. "That 'love' thing, I think I like it." Then he disappeared.

Deidara got up. He was still panting, his hair was a mess, his shirt completely unbuttoned. He took a deep breath and did his best to regain his composure. He had a mission, after all, and so far he was failing miserably. Apparently everyone thought he was Naruto Uzumaki, though he had no idea why. Maybe he could use this to his advantage, though so far it only caused him troubles. Itachi had mentioned something about a weird jutsu and naked girls, maybe this had something to do with it.

Deidara looked around sheepishly. The narrow street seemed too dark and ominous to his liking, but it was deserted and he hoped no more freaks would show up at least for a while. He needed some time to calm down. In this village it seemed freaks were everywhere.

Soon Deidara neared the end of the street and had to go around another corner. Experience had proved that here corners hid very unpleasant surprises. He took a deep breath and stepped forward, hoping to find just another empty street.

And again, he nearly bumped into someone. The person turned his face and both he and Deidara yelped the moment their eyes met. It was Ebisu. Deidara recognized him from before and cursed. Ebisu was leaning against the wall, one hand holding a book borrowed from Kakashi, the other one shoved in his pants.

"Uzumaki…" he growled.

"Uh… I didn't mean… I'm leaving now, ok? I'm out of here, so don't…"

"Damn you Uzumaki, even here I can't hide from you, and you still walk around with that girlish appearance and now you look even hotter. That's it! I can't hold back any more."

Deidara was grabbed and roughly shoved against the wall, his back turned to Ebisu.

"No, no,no, wait, this must be some sort of misundersta…"

"I'll fuck you now."

"You what?"

"Oh, someone already did. You damn slut!"

"Aaaa… That finger does not belong there, stop that!"

"I said I'll fuck you now."

Deidara already knew how that felt and he certainly didn't want to feel it again. He was struggling like mad, but to no avail. Ebisu had pressed him against the wall, still holding the book with one hand.

"Hm… We'll do it like they do it on page 23. I really like that scene."

"Don't tell me. You read that book very carefully about three times."

"What? How did you know?"

"Forget it and just get away from me!"

"Don't worry, Uzumaki, I see you're already stretched and slippery, so it will be easy."

"I don't care, just… Awwww."

"Oooh, I should have done this long ago."

Ten minutes later Ebisu stopped and Deidara thought his torment was near its end, but he soon realized Ebisu had paused just to stare at the book and flip a few pages.

"And now we'll do it like they do it on page 31. This position is nice."

About an hour later Ebisu pulled away and Deidara slid to the ground.

"Please tell me this is the end of it. I think we went through the whole book already, no need to do it about three times, right?"

"You're a slut, you can handle it. But I have a mission I'm going to be late for."

"Oh, thank god!"

Deidara was left alone once again. Now he really needed some time to recover and he thought he should try hiding in the forests near the village. Everyone here seemed to be more or less crazy and reading the same damn book.

Deidara ran like mad until he got to the forest. There he collapsed on the ground and fell asleep.
Some time later he was woken up by noises coming from the nearby clearing. Deidara got up and peeped over the bushes. He saw a girl, doing her training. Hinata saw him too and came closer.

"Aww, Naruto, even when you look like a girl, you're still cute," she said, blushing. "You came here to practice your sexy-jutsu, right? Is this the new modification? I like it, your hair is better that way. Leaving one longer bang falling over your eye was a good idea. Though it makes you look a bit like Ino."

The same thing was happening again. Someone was thinking he was Naruto. But this time there was one major difference. This person was a girl. And a pretty one.

"But where are the lines on your face? They're gone." Hinata dared to lean forward and took a closer look.

"Um... Well… Plastic surgery, you know." Deidara was already thinking how to use this situation. "So you think I'm cute?"

When he said that, Hinata blushed even more.

"Well, I may look like a girl," Deidara took her hand, "but I'll show you what I have under my skirt." Hinata got bright red and nearly fainted when her fingers discovered that Deidara had something really big under the skirt.

"You know, there's this book people are talking about… Have you read it?"

"You mean the book Ino stole from Kakashi sensei? Oh yes!"

"Very carefully and about three times, huh?"

"No, just once. I memorized everything." Hinata gave him a bashful smile. "I was preparing for the day when I'll become your bride, Naruto."

"What? Uh, whatever."

Deidara made a mental note to make sure he leaves this village before they get him married, on top of all the other horrible things that already happened to him. But right now he was alone in a forest with this girl who was blushing and, oh god, was already taking her shirt off.

Some time later Shino and Kiba found a dizzy Hinata lying on the ground, no clothes, her face bright red.
"Hinata, are you all right, what happened?"

She gave them an oddly wide grin, like she was drunk, or high, and no matter what questions they asked her, the only thing she kept repeating was "Oh, soooo big!"

…

Deidara was back on the streets when he saw the real Naruto transformed into a naked girl and running like crazy. He had obviously caused some trouble again and was trying to escape from the group of jonin who were after him.

When Naruto saw Deidara, he yelled at him "Stupid clone, what are you doing here and where the hell did you get these clothes from?" Then he tried to release "the clone", but nothing happened.

"What the fuck?" Naruto's eyes widened and he ran away. Then the jonin appeared and when they saw Deidara, they grabbed him and told him "Damn you, Uzumaki, we finally got you. You put some clothes on and changed the hair, but we won't fall for that."

"But... but... I'm not... It's a mistake!"

"Ha, no mistake. Everyone here knows that the hottest blue-eyed blond girl in Konoha is you, Uzumaki," said one of the jonin.

Somewhere form behind them came a loud angry shriek. The jonin turned around and said "Sorry, Ino, but it's true."

"Let me go!" Deidara whined, horrifying thoughts of gangbang coming to his mind.

"Uzumaki, you won't get away with this, we'll take you to the hokage and she'll decide what your punishment will be."

Shortly after that, Deidara found himself in Tsunade's office.

"Well, well, Uzumaki, I see you enjoy being a girl," she said. "You know what, Naruto, I actually have a thing for girls, especially blue eyed blondies, so your punishment will be to have some fun with me."

Staring at her breasts, Deidara thought he would really enjoy this punishment. But he was so damn wrong.

Tsunade smirked as she opened a drawer in her desk to reveal her collection of huge vibrators. Deidara's eyes widened and nearly fell out of the sockets.

"Get your ass here, bitch," Tsunade growled.

Some time later the door slammed open and Shizune rushed in, doing her usual surprise checkup on Tsunade. At the view she was presented with, her brows furrowed.

"Tsunade-sama, you're procrastinating again! There's a whole mountain of paperwork, and look what you're doing! And is this Naruto? Must be that awkward jutsu. Anyway, Tsunade-sama, you better get to work. You can sodomize genin in your free time, if you want, but now you're supposed to be doing your job. And how many times should I tell you not to wipe sticky vibrators with important documents? Tsunade-sama, when will you learn? This report here will be given to the Konoha Council, and just look at the stains! This must be…" Shizune sniffed the paper. "Strawberry lube?"

…

When he finallly managed to get out of Tsunade's office, Deidara ran straight to the gate. 'Screw the mission, I'm outta here!'

He approached the gate, but there stood Izumo and Kotetsu. When they saw him, they smiled happily.

"She's comming back just as she promised!" Izumo yelled eagerly. "Yeah, we're gonna have some fun!" Kotetsu smirked.

"Sorry, guys, I have no time." Diedara wanted to run through the gate, but they stopped him. "Oh, pretty lady, you must keep your promise," they said, dragging Deidara into the bushes.

Twenty minutes later Kakashi showed up at the gate.

"Where are these morons? Is this how they guard the entrance to the village?"

He looked around and then approached the shaking bushes with a knowing smirk. He peeped through the foliage and his smirk faded.

"Amateurs!" He took out his book and shoved it in Izumo's hands. "Here! This will give you some ideas."

Then he left. Izumo flipped through the pages. "Oh my god! Kotetsu, let's try this one!"

…

At the Akatsuki hideout everyone was impatiently waiting for Deidara's report.

"Well, Deidara, what did you find out?" Pain was glaring at him sternly.

"Uh... The only thing I found out was that everyone in Konoha has a big dick," Deidara said through gritted teeth. "Now can I get rid of these ridiculous clothes I'm wearing?"

"Not so fast, Deidara." Pain narrowed his eyes. "Ever since you left, the boys can't stop talking about your butt."
Deidara glanced at the others and didn't like the expression on their faces.

"And because you failed the mission," Pain went on, "you need a punishment. He's yours, guys."

"Wow, cool!" Tobi yelled. "But who's first?"

They looked at each other, ready to start a fight. Pain thought he should do something about it.

"Everyone, calm down. Deidara has one ass and a few mouths, so we'll take turns in groups of four people. The first group is Itachi, Sasori, Kisame and me. We start now and the others will wait. And you, Tobi, go get the camera."

…

In Konoha Naruto was at Ichiraku's, eating ramen, when a blushing Hinata showed up and sat next to him. There was something greedy in her eyes, but Naruto shrugged it off, thinking she was just hungry. They were at Ichiraku's, after all.

Then before he knew what was happening, she had pulled the waistband of his pants and was looking inside.

"What? Naruto! What happened to it? It wasn't so small! I can't believe it. Is it just because it's not hard now? No, it can't be, it looks too small. Anyway, I'll check. Now let's get it hard."

"What are you… ooh."

She was frantically moving her hand, eyes flashing demonically.

"There. Oh my god! It's still small!"

"Hinata…" A blushing and confused Naruto tried to pull away from her, but she had gripped his shoulders and was shaking him like mad, oblivious to the odd stares they were receiving.

"Tell me! Tell me! What happened? It's half the size it was before! Five inches can't disappear just like that!"

The end

… … …

Blah, the disclaimer. The characters are mine… only in my dreams. *sigh* Kishimoto owns them.