Condemned by Luvscharlie

A/N: This is a side piece to Give Thanks for Cock written by Loony4lupin on Live Journal and will probably make no sense to anyone who hasn't read that piece. That being said, it was too much fun not to continue the crack fic.

Sirius descended the stairs whistling, but stopped dead in his tracks on the third step from the bottom. "Moony," he said, his voice tight. "Where are you going with that axe?"

"I warned you, did I not?" Remus turned on him the black circles under his eyes from lack of sleep giving him a feral appearance.

"Moony, put down the axe. Let's be reasonable about this." Sirius held out his hands in an attempt at placating.

"Reasonable?! Reasonable, he says. Was it reasonable to add two more turkeys to the mix when I told you I never wanted the first?"

"Now Moony," Sirius said with a shake of his head. "Really, I thought better of you. The poor bird was lonely."

"Then you could have set him free, not bring home two more to add to the mix. Washington was enough… more than enough."

"But he'd never survive on his own."

Remus looked at the axe and back at Sirius. "And you think his chances are better here?"

Sirius cocked his head and gave the axe an apprehensive glance. "He was lonely, Remus. He needed companionship. And well, I couldn't just bring home one turkey." Sirius leaned in to whisper conspiratorily. "I mean what if the bloke doesn't like girls? We," he said, motioning at himself and Remus in turn, "of all people should give our boy, Washington, options, don't you think? A bird should be free to choose. It would be hypocritical of us to do anything but, don't you agree?"

The gobbling outside increased in volume and Remus turned toward the door with his axe in hand. Sirius launched himself from the stairs to land with a thud on Remus' back. "Drop the axe, Moony. You don't want to do this."

"The hell I don't," Remus exclaimed, heading through the door, his intent so focused that he seemed not to even notice the added weight of Sirius on his back.

Sirius pulled, he tugged, but nothing slowed Remus down. He reached for his wand to find that he had dropped it in his leap from the staircase. Washington preened in front of Remus, raising his head as if in challenge and gobbling a taunt.

Twisting and turning his body into odd contortions, Sirius reached Remus' wand and pressed it against the axe as it came swishing down to find its mark. Remus looked at the transfigured axe with a startled expression to find a corncob in his hand.

Sirius noted that the corner of his mouth twitched in the hint of a smile and used the opportunity to remove himself from Remus' back and shoo Washington and his fine-feathered friends out of Remus' line of sight. "Bring's back memories, does it then?" he asked, nodding his head toward the corncob.

"Mmm. That it does."

Washington peeked out from behind Sirius' legs with an offended gobble and Sirius gave him a sharp kick. "If you value your feathery bum, you'll take it out of his sight this instant," he said out of the corner of his mouth. The bird gave an offended hiss, fluffed his feathers and stalked away to find his girlfriend… or boyfriend… or both.

"You never can tell about turkeys." Sirius shook his head and grinned at the bird.

~Fin.~