Prologue

I know you're gone
I know you're leaving me
Behind your dreams
Behind your prayers
What do you think?
What do you want?
What do you love?
What do you love?

- [Jessica Riddle – Gone]

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How do you hurt someone you love? How do you move on after seeing them fall apart for something you did? Is it simple? Or will facing them kill you in the process?

I wish I could say that I had an excuse. I wish I had some explanation short of weakness and temptation. But, now, I realize that there is no excuse for hurting the love of your life.

Now, as she looked at me with more heartbreak in her eyes than I had ever seen before, I knew that I had destroyed a part of her soul; I was responsible for the light that had just gone out inside of her. I killed her.

Her eyes were cold as if she'd been looking through glasses made of ice. The warmth I always felt when I looked at her was gone. But it wasn't hatred that had replaced it. It was disappointment. I had promised myself to her. She had given me her heart willingly and I was supposed to protect it. Instead, I carelessly misplaced it, not caring what happened to it. And when I went back to retrieve it, it was mangled and destroyed—much too late to fix it.

Is sorry enough? Can it encompass the deep regret and remorse I feel? No matter how many times I say it, no matter how many tears fall from my eyes, it hurts more to try to apologize because I know there is nothing that can be done. The clock won't go back. I will not get the hours of betrayal back.

I'm sorry.

And she closes her eyes and turns away as if I'd just insulted her. And maybe I have. There is nothing that can be said now. There is nothing I can do to makeup for what I've done.

My eyes stare back at me from the small copy of Theresa's face. Jane eyes me as if she can feel the tension between her parents. I don't know how to answer her unspoken questions. I don't know how to tell her that her father is a terrible man. How do you look in a baby's face and tell her the truth? How do you rip apart a family?

It doesn't matter how. I did it anyway.

"Say goodbye to your daddy, Janey," Theresa coos into Jane's ear.

Just as she says it, I feel something slip from inside my chest. The blond curls bounce as the baby looks up to me. Her eyes are mine, her face is Theresa's. She is ours. She is part of us—together.

Theresa passes the toddler over into my arms and her weight is nothing. She turns back to her mother as if knowing what I had done to her family. I try to get her to look at me, but for some reason she continues to avoid my eyes.

Theresa watched us, her eyes suddenly tearing with the image of our daughter in my arms. She looked down to hide her pain and the guilt hit me even harder. Jane squirmed in my arms and I tried to calm her down. Was it that she was angry at me? Or did she suddenly prefer to be held by her mother? I held her tighter to me and kissed her soft cheek. Then she turned to me with questions in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, baby," I told her softly. "I love you, Jane. I love you so much." And she just stared at me.

"Ok," Theresa said finally. "We have to go, Ethan." Hearing her words, I still didn't turn to her and continued looking at Jane. "Little Ethan," Theresa called. Then I looked up in search of my son. He sat across the playground on the side of the sandbox, his feet kicking woodchips. "Little Ethan, come over here," she called again. "Come say goodbye to your father."

He got up and walked towards us with his head down and his hands in his pockets. Theresa reached into my arms and took the baby from my hold without a word. Jane went willingly and it was like an arrow being shot into my heart. Little Ethan reached us and stood next to his mother, his eyes down at the mess of scraped wood below his shoes.

"I'll give you a minute," Theresa whispered as she took my daughter to the other side of the playground by the swing set.

Little Ethan still refused to look up at me. We stood, two men at an awkward point of life. I knelt down on one knee to better see his face and then he looked up to me. His face was tearstained, his eyes were red. He was the opposite of Jane—his face was mine and his eyes were Theresa's. It suddenly hurt me more to see such pain in Theresa's brown eyes… and he was my son and I was the reason he was crying. We stared at each other, eyes sending different messages. His: How could you? Mine: I'm so sorry.

"I'm sorry… I am so sorry, Little Ethan." More tears silently fell down to the cheeks that were slimming down in baby fat everyday. "I love you. You know that."

"What about mom?" he cried.

"Of course I do. I love your mother very much." More tears fell down his face even quicker than before. "I love her with all of my heart. Just like I love you and your sister."

He nodded and turned back down to the woodchips. "Then why are you leaving us?!"

How do you tell your son that you've broken your family? How do you look him in the eye and tell him that you betrayed his mother? How do you stop his tears? How do you go on after breaking the only good thing you ever knew?

"I'm so sorry, Little Ethan. But your mommy and I … we just need some time apart for a little while." He turned back down again. "But—but, hey," I turned his chin back up, "I'll still be there to drive you to school everyday. And I'll still go to all of your baseball games. And you and Jane will come stay with me every other weekend, ok? I'm not going anywhere. I promise." I had to turn his face back up to me. I smiled despite the grief I felt at having to leave him.

"We'll be a family again, right? One day, we'll all be together again?"

I didn't know what to say to his hopeful suggestion. I wanted to say yes more than anything. I wanted to believe that everything would be forgiven and we'd all be able to go home together again. I simply smiled at him and hoped that he wouldn't see through the shaky façade I had.

"Yeah," I sighed. "One day."

"Do you promise?"

I thought about the possibility then. What if Theresa came running to me with her arms open and ready to take me back into her life?

"Yeah… I promise."

For the first time in days, I saw Little Ethan smile. He fell into me in an embrace and hugged me tight. At his sudden happiness, I felt like I wanted to die. He was so happy and it hurt me to know that I wasn't sure of what I said.

He pulled back with his smile. "I love you, dad," he said quickly.

"I love you, too."

"Little Ethan! Come on, honey," Theresa called.

I looked over to half my family and then back to the boy in front of me. "Mom's calling." He nodded. "Go on. I'll see you soon."

Little Ethan wiped his eyes and then nodded again. "And we'll be a family again soon, right?"

I hoped that he didn't know notice the way I hesitated or how I looked down before I answered him. "Yeah," I said as I turned back towards Theresa.

He smiled and hugged me once more and then he ran towards his mother. As I stood up and watched my family walk away, I prayed that I could keep my promise to Little Ethan. But as I saw Theresa turn back to me with a fleeting look of anger, I wondered if I had just lied to my son and if that promise would go unfulfilled. I waved my hand at Little Ethan and Jane and silently said goodbye to Theresa. She turned away and continued walking with our children and I was left standing in a pile of wood chips all alone.

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