Top Gear Halo
The Results
(Back at the studio)
Jeremy: I have to say, Hammond, your Mongoose was absolutely rubbish!
Richard: How can you say that? My Mongoose won the first three challenges whilst your Warthog won nothing!
Jeremy: Wait, the first three?
Richard: Yes, the drag race, the lap and dodging the Banshee…
Jeremy: No, I won the Banshee bit…!
James: Oh not again.
Richard: Look, the fact is, it was a test of how good your vehicle was, not a test of how you could pull out a rocket launcher out of nowhere and shooting The Stig down! We nearly had to replace him again!
Jeremy: But the idea was that I used ingenuity…
Richard: But not your vehicle! Hands up who thinks I'm right?
Audience: YEAH!!!
Richard: Thank you!
James: Ok now that that's been sorted, it is time to add up the scores. The first test was, of course, the drag race and Richard won that fair and square, so that's three points. I came second…
Jeremy: By cheating…
James: So I get two points. And for coming last, Jeremy gets one point.
Richard: Yes, and then it was the lap now we get points for every second under the Ghost's time and loose points for every second over it so that's five for me, two for Jeremy and James, you lost eleven.
James: Oh for goodness sake…
Jeremy: And then there was the lap around Valhalla. James came second so he got two points, Richard came first so he got three and I came…
Richard: Last…
Jeremy: Stop rubbing it in! Ok I came last and got one point.
Richard: And lastly we have the final challenge and for this one it's a bit more complicated.
Jeremy: Yes, because we got points for how long we lasted, how much damage we inflicted on John and there would also be bonus points awarded for various other aspects about our attempts.
James: So, for lasting the longest, I got three points. Jeremy got two points for coming second and then Hammond got one.
Richard: Don't gloat, though, because for nailing one or two shots on John, I got another two points!
Jeremy: No, hold on, you can't claim that.
Richard: Why not?
Jeremy: Well, you were in my Warthog, using my turret whilst I was driving.
Richard: But it was me who actually shot him!
Jeremy: But the point is you were already out so those two points should be mine, who agrees with me?
Audience: NO!!
Jeremy: Oh for goodness sake…
Richard: Thank you! As I was saying, Jeremy, you get nothing in terms of damage and nor does James. But remember, there are also bonus points to consider. So Jeremy, you lost another point for crashing into my Mongoose…
Jeremy: What?!
Richard: And James, you lost another point for destroying the Warthog.
Jeremy: Hold on, I gave you a lift so shouldn't I gain some points for that?
Richard: Well you're right, the judges did think you should've got three points for that but, if you take those points, you won't get the million pounds I offered.
James: It's a tough choice.
Jeremy: It is a tough choice and it's not like I'm greedy or anything but I know that you'll end up offering more million pounds in the near future and since I'm charging ten percent interest, I can only get more when I decide to cash in one day so I'll take the points, if you don't mind.
Richard: Oh thanks a lot…
James: So, at this moment in time, I have minus five points.
Jeremy: Not going well, is it?
James: You, Jeremy, have twelve points. And Hammond has fourteen!
Richard: YES!
Jeremy: Ah, but…there's more because there's the point of how much we actually spent on our vehicles in the first place. And so we get one point for every hundred thousand we saved from our original ten million pound budget. So Richard, how much did you spend on your Mongoose?
Richard: Umm, well they are fairly new and the one I got was in reasonable condition…
Jeremy: How much?
Richard: Umm, eight million pounds.
Audience: Ooooh!
Jeremy: That's a lot of money for a quad bike.
Richard: But it's fewer than ten million so I got another twenty points!
Jeremy: Yes you do, which brings your final score to thirty four. But you're not gonna like this…
Richard: Oh, I have a horrible feeling that your Warthog costs less than my Mongoose.
Jeremy: I spent, and you won't believe this, a bargain price of five million pounds!
Richard: No!!!
Jeremy: Which means I get fifty points! That puts me at sixty-two points.
Richard: So James, unless you got yours for a ridiculously low price, Jeremy is the winner…
James: You want to know how much my Brute Chopper cost me?
Jeremy: Yes…
James: Minus one pound.
Jeremy and Richard: WHAT?!
James: Let me explain. You see the thing is because the Brute Chopper is Covenant made, nobody wants to buy it and what's worse is that anybody who did buy one became the laughing stock of their town so when I found that little old lady in Guildford, whose son actually got this thing as a souvenir from a recent battle, she actually paid me a pound to get it off her hands.
Jeremy: So…that means you get…a hundred points?
James: Precisely which means I've won the challenge!
Jeremy: And on that bombshell we really need to end so from Richard, the traitor, and me, we'll see you next week. Good night!