Tea Time
Story Title: Tea Time
Story Summary: House suggests that Chase calms down. Takes place in Season Three.
Genre: Humor
Chapter Focus: #824 of 1000 Theme Challenge, "Tea Time"
Chapter Rating: T
Word Count: 785+
Spoilers: None.
Author's Starting Notes: I saw this theme and thought of all the Australian/British jokes in the early seasons. I figured they needed to be brought back. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do (even if you don't), I'd love to hear your comments. Here is a oneshot starring House and Chase.
Time Stamp: Posted 26th of January 2009
(#824)
"Doctor Chase, I need you to run an echo on, on…. Cameron, what's the patient's name?"
"It's Jamie, House."
"Are you Doctor Cameron?"
"No, I'm Chase. Kind of obvious by the fact that I'm not a female."
"I don't know, you have been looking a little curvy. Still, I meant the brunette, not the fake blonde."
"I'm not a fake blonde."
"Yeah, because hair is just naturally that perfect."
"Are you ever going to drop the hair jokes?"
"Are you ever going to get a buzz-cut?"
"No."
"There's your answer."
"Look, Cameron, do the echo for me, will you?"
"Hey! No! You can't load off your duties on Cameron, even if you are screwing her."
"I've got to head out early, House."
"Is it tea time already?"
"I'm Australian."
"Oh, time to wrestle kangaroos then."
"Your ignorance is almost offending."
"Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I'm ignorant. No need to stereotype. Do I say that just because Cameron is female that she's emotional? Or that Foreman is down just because he's black? Or that Wilson is gay because he wears those ties?"
"Yes. Every day almost."
"Hmm, you're right."
"Can I go then?"
"I don't know, can you?"
"May I go?"
"No, you may not."
"House, this is an emergency."
"And Lily dying isn't?"
"Jamie. And, she isn't dying. She's stable."
"Who knows how long that will last? Soon she'll be in cardiac arrest, respiratory arrest, seizing, or bleeding out of every orifice. Maybe all of the above depending on which of my underlings does it. You've seen Chicago haven't you?"
"Yes, but-"
"Think of me as Billy in 'We Both Reached For the Gun'. I'm the master puppeteer and the rest of you are all my little puppets."
"What about Cuddy?"
"She's Roxy. She sits on my lap, and I make her sing."
"I didn't need to hear that."
"But I told you anyway."
"House, I'm leaving."
"Will you bring me back a scone then?"
"I'm not getting tea. I'm going to pick up one of Cameron's relatives from the airport."
"Why are you doing it? Are you really that whipped already?"
"I figured the immunologist would come in handy seeing as the problem is so obviously auto-immune."
"Who-pushh! Who-pushh!"
"I'm not whipped, House."
"You are so whipped that I'm beginning to think you're masochistic."
"Wouldn't be the first time."
"You were accused of liking pain?"
"Yup, by you. Two years ago. Remember, it was around the time Cameron came back to work for you."
"Oh yeah, Mr. Strangulation."
"You remember a patient from two years ago?"
"Only if they're interesting. Most cases involving sex interest me."
"Interest you, or turn you on?"
"Ooh, Kangaroo Jack fights back."
"I fought back earlier."
"Do you want a cookie or something?"
"I want to leave."
"Then what's stopping you?"
"You are!"
"I'm a cripple on top of desk, ten feet from the doorway. You're a blonde with two legs and a lab coat. Who do you think should win that fight?"
"What does the lab coat have to do with anything?"
"Gives people the illusion that you have brains underneath that fantastic hair."
"It's not an illusion. I went to medical school-"
"As did mostly every person in this room. Why are you here again?"
"You told me that I couldn't-"
"Not in the room, in the fellowship. I should have just hired three hot babes. There was this one redhead with an amazing ass."
"I swear-"
"That you're up to no good? I figured as much. Brits have to be into Harry Potter."
"I'm not British!"
"But you do love Daniel Radcliff, don't you?"
"You are infuriating!"
"And you are late."
"What?"
"Cameron's mom's flight arrives in a good ten minutes. You've still got to get downstairs, clock out, hide from Cuddy, ride down there, and make a sign which will take a good forty on its own. Add in the fact that your car tires are mysteriously flat today-"
"So it was you who-"
"And the fact that impatience towards men in programmed in every woman's DNA. And, we have the recipe for disaster."
"Why would you do this?"
"I got bored."
"I hate you, sometimes, House."
"You sound really stressed, Chase. Maybe you should have some tea."
"Screw the tea! And screw you! I am so sick of dealing with your idiotic, insane attempts to ruin my life. I get it that you don't like me. But, this has gone way too far."
"Are you done yet?"
"No, I'm not!"
"Well, when you are, pick me up a blueberry scone. And, run the damn echo before the parasite eating her heart can call his buddies."
"…"
"Oh, and Chase,"
"Yes, House."
"You really should get the tea. I hear Chamomile is great for PMS."
("'Soon she'll be in cardiac arrest, respiratory arrest, seizing, or bleeding out of every orifice. Maybe all of the above depending on which of my underlings does it.'" It's the House episode pattern!
("'Think of me as Billy in 'We Both Reached For the Gun'. I'm the master puppeteer and the rest of you are all my little puppets.'" In the musical Chicago, there is a scene where the lawyer, Billy Flynn, is talking to the press. The defendant, Roxy Hart, sees this scene as a puppet show, sort of. Billy is the master controlling all the reporters and herself. I figured I'd toss that in there.)
© Everything written above belongs to me (FF user, Paint Me a Symphony). If somebody is out there pushing this as their own, they are lying. I may not own House M.D, or its characters, but I do own this.