Midna's Final Prank

Disclaimer: This is kind of pointless really...if I did own it, then this wouldn't be a fanfiction but whatever, site protocol and stuff. Anyways, don't own Zelda, nope.

Da Scribbler says: Yes, I know I haven't updated in forever, but you guys will all read and review anyways, right? Right?

Aha, so yeah, I wasn't certain whether I'd ever work on this again. But today, I clicked on it and started to reread it - I like to reread my works after I've forgotten the details. And dear Nayru...I had completely forgotten what an absolute laugh-riot this piece is. It'd be a shame not to finish it, so here you go, another chapter. Is this the last? I don't think so. There might be an epilogue later. I'll see what I can scrounge up, 'kay? Until then, enjoy your much overdue chapter! Oh, and I'm not pissed anymore (from Chapter 4). Never really was. I was just writing that as a sort of joke. I was REALLY surprised when I got a ton of reviews for that chapter. Maybe I should act pissed more often...?

Read, enjoy and review!

Xx Chapter 5: Mortal Munitions xX

"Fyer, if I wasn't so damned tired, I swear, I would Triforce Slash you right now," Link said darkly as he wrung the water out of his hat. The Chosen Hero and the Princess of Hyrule had finally managed to swim to the nearest shoreline – which happened to be the little isle where Fyer lived. Fyer himself was currently kneeling at the foot of Zelda's feet.

"My deepest apologies, your Highness!" he cried out desperately, kow-towing. Zelda didn't seem to notice his fervent apologizing but stared at Link instead.

"Triforce Slash?" Zelda asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, you know, my Final Smash in Brawl. Pretty awesome move, don't you think?"

"No, not really."

"Oh, shut up – it's better than your dumb Light Arrow."

"You shut up! It's not like you can use the Triforce Slash in this game anyways."

"It would`ve been so useful if it was in the game though...," Link said wistfully. "I could've Triforce Slash-ed Ganondorf to death..."

"Triforce Slash-ed?"

"You know what I mean."

"Ah, I feel so bad about this whole issue, your Highness!" Fyer piped up, still kow-towing to Zelda. "To make up, perhaps your Highness would like a tour of Lake Hylia? For no charge, of course!"

"No, thank you," she said, looking every inch a Princess of Hyrule.

"Is your Highness sure? I can offer some-"

"I've been on the road for several weeks now," Zelda overrode him. "I would like to get back to Castle Town and Hyrule Castle as soon as possible, please."

"Ah, of course. When would you like to get in the cannon, your Highness?" Fyer asked politely. Zelda's eyes snapped open and she gave Fyer a disbelieving look.

"Why in the name of Nayru would I want to act as a human cannonball?" Zelda asked incredulously.

"Er, well, it's kind of the only way out of here," Link told her matter-of-factly.

"...this is the only way out of here," Zelda repeated faintly. She sank weakly down back into her chair. "Sweet, merciful Din..."

"Zelda?" Link asked warily, slowly backing away. He had an eerie feeling he knew what was going to happen next...

"This is your fault!" Zelda rounded on him, her voice shrill.

"I knew it..." he muttered, flinching as she glared at him.

"If only you hadn't made that idiotic bet with the Great Fairy! She could've transported us back! We could be at Castle Town by now!" Zelda moaned and slumped back into her seat. "Din, what I'd give for a hot bath right now..."

Link watched her nervously, looking like he expected her to fly at him at any moment. Fyer on the other hand, had a thoughtful look on his face.

"Great Fairy? Is that anything like the Guardian Spirit of Lanayru?"

"Not really..." Link muttered but Zelda looked up hopefully.

"Guardian Spirit! That's it – it must be able to transport us back! You know where it is, right?" She demanded Link.

"Er, yeah..."

"What are you waiting for – let's go! NOW!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, AWAY ON VACATION?" Zelda shrieked dismally.

Hung over the simple wooden sign before the cavern of the Guardian Spirit was another sign which proclaimed in apologetic print: Away on Vacation until First Snow. Sorry for any inconveniences.

"Vacation? Where on earth would a Guardian Spirit go to on vacation?" Link asked, perplexed. "And I didn't even know Guardian Spirits got vacation leave."

"Is that even important?" Zelda asked disparagingly. "The more important thing is that we can't be conveniently teleported back to Castle Town since the Spirit isn't here!"

"Oh, right, that too."

"Of all the rotten luck," she fumed, pacing back and forth, wringing her hands in the air.

"Hey, you're not going to blame me for this, are you?" Link asked, eyeing her as she walked like one possessed.

"As much as I'd like to, I can't because that would be utterly illogical," Zelda said but glared at him darkly all the same; she clearly didn't care what logic had to say and blamed him internally anyways.

"Well, I guess we should get going now."

"Go where?" Zelda asked scathingly.

"The cannon. We don't have any choice now," Link shrugged. The idea of acting as a human cannonball obviously didn't faze him in the least.

Zelda looked on the verge of tears.

"Hey, I just realized. It said the Guardian Spirit would be back at first snow. Does Hyrule even go through a cycle of seasons?"

"Link, why do you always ask the most irrelevant questions?"

"Well, there's nothing else to talk about!"

"For your Highness, my service shall be free of charge, of course," Fyer said, smiling nervously at Zelda as he fidgeted with his hands. Zelda was staring at the cannon with the expression of a man before the gallows.

"Oh, I'm sure that's a big comfort. I don't have to pay to get shot out of a cannon. That really makes my day," Zelda said, her voice higher than usual.

"Aw, it's not that bad," Link told her complacently. "It's actually kind of fun. Just be careful of the landing. I nearly broke my neck once. There was another time when I narrowly missed that rock..."

"Is that supposed to be comforting?" Zelda asked faintly.

"Just remember, even though you have a fifty percent chance of dying, you also have a fifty percent chance of living," he told her brightly. Zelda turned paler than ever.

"I can sympathize with you, your Highness," Fyer told her reassuringly. "This is a tip I give nervous first-time customers: just pretend you`re a Bullet Bill, except with no fat Italian plumber to kill you in mid flight!"

Zelda stared.

"Are you two really this stupid in earnest or are you trying to scare me senseless?" she asked numbly.

"What?" Link asked.

"Sweet Nayru, help me..." Zelda sank onto the floor. "I can`t do this, I can`t do this..."

"Sure you can," Link told her bracingly. "If if makes you feel better, we can go in the same shot."

Zelda scrutinized him sharply. "Hmm...that does make me feel better. You`re all but indestructible after all."

"Too true," he said cheerily as he pulled her up to her feet. "If falling in boiling lava only costs me two hearts, there`s no way a little drop like this will kill me."

Zelda sighed, although still pale. "Alright. Let`s get this over with."

"Ready?" Fyer asked.

"No," a terrified voice responded from within the depths of the cannon. "Fire away."

"As you command, your Highness," Fyer bowed deeply before he walked over to the wind-up box that was the switch to the cannon. "And around we gooooo!"

"I am going to die now, I am going to die now-"

"Stop being such a cucco."

"Well, you're just an idiot without enough brains to be afraid, you moronic-"

The argument ended rather abruptly when the cannon fired two screaming Hylians into the sky.

"I cannot believe that we survived that," Zelda said blankly as they walked out of the Cucco house and onto Hyrule Field.

"You always say that after every near-death experience we go through," Link noted. "You'd think you'd get used to it by now."

"You can't be human," Zelda said, shaking her head slowly.

"Um, well, I am Hylian."

"Hylians are a kind of human. I don`t know what you are, but you can't be human."

"And just what makes you say that?"

"You fall into lava but only lose two hearts. You run off a bridge and fall into a bottomless chasm only to re-spawn somehow. And you pull off crazy stunts like that -" she pointed wildly in the direction of Lake Hylia, "on a regular basis! I still don`t understand how we`re still alive! By all means, the laws of physics state that we should`ve crashed into that landing spot and died instantaneously!"

"Did you want to die?" Link asked slowly.

" No – but –" Zelda flailed at a loss. As Bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, it was excruciatingly difficult for her to accept anything that defied or just clean ignored the laws of physics and all things natural. Sadly for her, Link was the physical incarnation all of things that defied sense. "It just isn't right!" she wailed finally.

"I can't understand you," Link told her.

`Well, neither can I!" She retorted.

"Are you still going to complain about being alive or can we get going already?" Link asked her plaintively.

"Oh, alright," Zelda crossed her arms.

"Thank you," Link said.

A minute passed in silence.

"Err...were you going to do something?" Zelda asked uncertainly. Link looked slightly confused.

"I thought I just..." he mumbled. He frowned as if trying to concentrate. Another minute passed in silence.

"What's going on?" Zelda asked, completely lost.

"I was trying to make my horse-call appear..." Link said, looking bewildered. He looked down at his pocket-less tunic, at a loss.

"You didn`t somehow forget how you made your items appear did you?" Zelda asked him darkly.

"Err..." The Hero's Bow appeared out of thin air, then there was a bomb in his hand the next second. "Nope, I still remember," Link confirmed and then he was holding nothing again.

"Well then, what`s going on?" Zelda asked impatiently.

"I...I think I...I think I lost it," he said quietly. For a moment, Zelda didn`t seem to have heard him. He hoped she hadn`t. But things rarely ever went that smoothly – at least, not for Link.

"WHAT?" she shrieked. "How in the name of the Goddesses do you lose it? It couldn't have fallen out of your pouch or hat, could it? I thought it was in that "Items Screen" or whatever!"

"I don't know!" He wailed. "Man, Ilia's going to kill me for losing it..."

"Well, you won't have to worry about that for a while seeing as it won`t be a while until we get back!" Zelda looked ready to fly into another rant but Link looked strangely calm about it.

"Actually, it's not that bad. There's a patch of horse-shoe grass right there," Link said, pointing at a patch of ground a few feet away where there was indeed horse-shoe grass swaying slightly.

"...oh," Zelda said. "Wow. That was easy."

"Yeah, I think it`s a sign that the fanficer is running out of torture ideas."

"You think so?"

"Probably. Hey, I think I see the end of the chapter coming up."

...

...

...

A/N:...Dammit. He's right.

There's your parody goodness. I don't know if it matches the brilliance of the other chapters but it's better than nothing, right?

Well, it's really late for me now - 1:00 in the morning. Geez, I really need to stop doing this right before school starts...

Thanks for reading - please review!

~ Da Scribbler