This is all I wanted. To find someplace comfortable and safe. To be cared for. But it's all wrong. I didn't want it like this. I thought she was the person who cared about me. I thought she brought me here to give me a new lease on life – a chance to see the beauty of the world, before the war. To have food at the ready instead of constantly scrounging for it, to feel clean and comfortable instead of filthy and frightened. I thought she brought me here to feel love.

And she did. In a way. But it's not from her. She doesn't love me. She doesn't care about me. She only cares about her mission – her stupid, lying, deceitful mission that she won't even fucking explain to me. She's made me lie to him – HIM, the person who's treated me with more kindness and warmth than anyone I've ever known. The person who's made me smile and laugh more than I ever thought I could. She wants me to manipulate him, and I don't even understand why I'm fucking doing it!

Thinking about it now… Jesus, I think I'm gonna throw up.

I just wanted someone to care about me. And now someone does, but it's not who I thought it was. I did what she wanted, because she seemed so kind at first. I thought she had to know something. I thought she must've known best – she had to be smarter than me. Because she cared. I thought she cared. But she doesn't care about me, and he does care. And now I'm lying to him and he's going to figure it out and then he'll hate me and I wish I was fucking dead. Jesse doesn't care about me and John cares about me and I'm betraying the one person who's ever made me happy to someone who I thought loved me but doesn't, someone who's using me to use him. God, I wish I was fucking dead.

He's going to hate me so much when he finds out, and then I'll be alone again. And Jesse will still hate me and she'll hit me for failing her and I won't be able to go back to my foster home and John won't ever want to see me again and I'll have nothing, just like before. I'll hurt the only person who ever really cared, the one person who made me happy, just so I can get treated like shit and used by her some more.

Why doesn't she care about me? Why did she have to bring me back here? Why did she have to make me see this? I wasn't supposed to even feel this.

I wish I never knew her. I wish I was still back in the future and I never knew Jesse and I never met John Connor and never knew what an amazing, wonderful person he is. But I'm here and I think I love him and... I just wish I was dead. I just want to be dead.