Daybreak, a naruto fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Twilight.

"It was like reading her sexual fantasy, especially when she said it was based on a dream and it was like, 'Oh I've had this dream about this really sexy guy,' and she just writes this book about it. Like some things about Edward are so specific, I was just convinced, like, 'This woman is mad. She's completely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation.' And sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing. It's kind of a sick pleasure in a lot of ways."

Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Sakura Haruno. To be absolutely honest, she wasn't very awesome. But for the sake of this story and plot line, let's say she was so awesome, that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona; so, she moved to Washington to stay with her father. Too bad she was risking the chance of controverting her awesomeness by living with a totally lame and uncool father.

"Hey, honey. I'm so glad I have such an amazing and original daughter like you, so in all ways to try and negate my lameness, I got you a car. I can only hope that my obviously uncool persona didn't rub off on the car." Sakura's father said. Then, in a completely father-like and loving way, which is weird and hard to pull off, he handed her the keys.

Sakura snorted, "You're negligent of the fact that I'm a total apathetic character. You can't possibly think your facial expressions and blatant depression would sway me into calling you totally awesome—like I am."

Her hand shot out and she grabbed the key with an unnatural speed. Except the keys somehow fell, probably due to her absolute clumsiness, so she tried to pick them up; but, once again, with her uncanny klutziness, which is a total flaw to give the main character, she fell on her face and almost died. Thankfully, some strange force kept her from such a horrifying death.

"Wow. That was pretty weird, but OK." Sakura shook her head and blinked a few times. "Well, yeah. Thanks Dad, or whatever... I guess. Anyways, it's time for my first day at my new school. I just hope I'm not that typical main character who is going to be a social outcast." Sakura sighed with agitation, "I suppose I'll just have to endure the hardships of being the unpopular new girl, until I do something that proves my worth."

...

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"Really?"

"No. I just have a tendency to lie to the people I stalk. If I told you my real age, you'd understand I'm a pedophile and not like me anymore."

"Maybe I'm into that sort of stuff though."

"Let's just pretend I'm 40 and your 6."

"You smell like strawberries."

"It's called pheromones, sweetie."

"I can't decide whether I want to eat you, impregnate you, or vomit."

"You're just feeling what we call true love, Sasuke-kun."

"I think it's just because I'm a hormonal, PMSing, teenage vampire—that...sparkles."

"NO! IT'S CALLED TRUE FREAKIN' LOVE."

...

Sakura went to her school and was instantly popular and beloved and continued on with her unfaltering amazingness.

"Like, oh my GOD. I absolutely love your hair, screw the fact it's absolutely average and completely un-stylish and... Yeah...—You're so pretty and fantastic, will you be my new best friend?" Ino asked, hyperventilating.

Sakura twitched at Ino's eccentric behavior and was slightly dumbstruck. "Uh?"

Ino suddenly began waving her hands in front of her face, trying to cool herself down. The way she did it resembled a pregnant woman with hot flashes. "Did the temperature like rise in here or something, because, seriously, I'm like dying from Sakura's radiating HOTNESS...—it's almost like a, um, swan!"

A blond-haired boy named Naruto dropped from the ceiling with a camera around his neck. After his totally weird and spiderman-like appearance, he took several pictures with flash—causing Sakura to cringe—and finally spoke up. "Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?"

"No way you asshole, I saw her first!" Kiba growled, throwing a dog at Naruto's face.

"OH GOD! NOT AGAIN!" Naruto screamed, flailing his arms in the air. He tried to punch the dog off his face, but to no avail. The dog merely continued to assault Naruto's face, gnawing the skin off.

"Hell no!" Sakura screamed in utter disgust, "I'd rather shank myself in the eye and watch "Prom Night" than date either of you."

The already passed out Hinata (You know? She obviously passed out from Sakura's amazing awesomeness.) miraculously awoken just to see a mauled Naruto on the floor. "Oh my GOD! I'm getting Sakura's not-too-amazing rejects, that's so awesome! Finally, Naruto-kun will notice me!" After her oh-so-long dialogue, she, once again, fainted—thanks to her hemophilia and previously hitting of the ground.

"Greetings, Sakura, my dearest amazing love, I'm the leader of the Sasuke-kun Fan Club. Since I know you're going to obviously end up with Sasuke-kun—knowing your many things in common and continual flirting—which is totally about to happen...—well, I was wondering..."

"Yeah?"

"Aren't (well-written or ANY type of not written by a 12-year-old, Mary Sue) characters supposed to have, well, uh...flaws?"

Sakura snorted. "Flaws? I suppose you could argue that I'm a little TOO amazing and perfect and simply fantabulous. But, I don't think so." Suddenly, an innocent bystander, who just so happened to be carrying a portable fan, turned it on. Sakura flipped her hair and fluttered her eyes. "See?"

"I knew it!" The fangirl squealed at Sakura's beauty and fashion statement. "So let's make-out. Because, seriously, even though I'm naturally straight and obsessed with my beloved Sasuke-kun, your amazingness is captivating and seducing me. TAKE ME NOW!"

All of a sudden! Sasuke Uchiha entered our wonderful seen.

Sakura scrunched her eyes at his paleness, it was the epitome of blinding. Then she gapes at his ARCHANGEL, GRANITE, GOD-LIKE, JUST SO DAMN SEXY features.

Their eyes met for the shortest second, because in all cliché and overused plot lines, that absolutely, positively has to happen. Sasuke's onyx eyes narrowed in disgust and he flipped his hair, turning the other way. "Pssh!"

Sakura fluttered her eyes several times, but acted like she didn't. Remember? She hasn't fallen in love yet. It will take approximately one and a half more weeks. "Who's the self-loathing, anorexic albino?"

"Oh, him? That's Sasuke-kun." A random girl squealed at his blinding beauty which resembled a (I really don't know) peacock. "He's universally acknowledged as the hottest boy in the world, because, seriously, LOOK AT HIM! But, it's a shame, because he doesn't date anyone. Obviously, seeing how undeniable gorgeous he is, no girl is good enough for him."

"No girl is good enough? Tsk. The excuses closeted homosexuals come up with these days..." Sakura sighed, a snicker underlying her tone.

Sakura went to her Biology class, which was actually really symbolic and extremely ironic, and the teacher almost fainted from her coolness. With a half-hearted sigh, the teacher used a model sketeon's hand to fan himself awake. Sakura's impatient grew as she continued to stand before him, tapping her foot. Finally, after due time, the teacher assigned Sakura's seat.

It was right next to Sasuke.

(That's not seriously overrated, amirite or amirite?)

Sakura took her seat next to Sasuke, who nearly vomited in his mouth. By the end of the hour-and-whatever long class—which consisted of Sasuke blatantly staring at her and Sakura continually putting a strand of pink locks behind her ear—Sasuke stormed out in a rush.

He wasn't seen for the next week. Eventually, did he reluctantly return.

"Dude, where the hell did you go?" Sakura asked in anger, "With your exceedingly mean gestures and snide remarks, I found myself extremely attracted to you—but, of course, you just had to go and disappear for, like, forever leaving me to merely fantasize while I waited."

Sasuke scoffed before fraudulently retorting with a snort, "Wowww... Go kill yourself."

Sakura swooned. Suddenly, she smiled brightly, molesting his chest and preparing her rape toys. "Sasuke-kun, you know exactly what to say to make women fall into hopeless devotion to you."

"You have a bright career as a stripper ahead of you." Sasuke growled, trying to pry her off of him. "Get the fuck away!"

The contact made her stomach flutter with joy; when Sasuke finally managed to shove her off of him, she ended up tripping and falling and almost dying. Again. "Oh God, I'm totally dependent on you now, Sasuke-kun. From all of your gentleman-like gestures and loving ways, I know I will never again have to think or act for myself."

Sakura and Sasuke continue to not even actually interact or see each other, but that doesn't really matter. Everyone could see the obvious chemistry that was totally forming with there avoidance of one another.

"Hey, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura waved him over to her locker, which even though Sasuke obviously didn't want to, he was so attracted by her awesomeness, he couldn't deny sashaying up to her.

When Sasuke was blatantly staring her down, breathing on her face with his ANGELIC (Isn't that ironic?), FAINT-WORTHY, BEAUTIFUL SMELLING breath, Sakura's very own breath hitched. "U-Uh, Sasuke-kun...—Why are your eyes changing from gorgeous to, like, ultragorgeous? Are you alright, because normal people don't go from black to blue to brown to green to rainbow to red, or...yeah, whatever."

Sasuke averted his eyes and looked at the ground, almost ashamed. "You've caught me. I was being a total bastard and jackass to you, because I'm secretly, totally, utterly in love with you."

"Oh, that makes sense. I totally get you..." Sakura paused, musing, "... That must be why certain people act like they don't like me."

A long silence greeted the two, before Sasuke finally broke it by touching her upper arm and coughing. The contact was just so intimate, that Sakura almost fainted. Letting out a long sigh of exasperation, Sasuke's eyes finally met her emerald orbs once again.

"I... I want to eat you." Sasuke deadpanned with complete seriousness.

"Holy shit, really?" Sakura gaped. "S...Sasuke-kun! Aren't you be a little...forward? I mean, I'd still need to go home and do some waxing first, but..."

Sasuke scowled. "No, literally. I'm a vampire." He corrected her. To prove it, he opened his mouth to show giant-ass fangs that had blood all over them and small skin particles splayed around in his mouth.

"Hm... Those look totally fake, I bet you just filed your teeth like that to live out some secret fetish of yours. " She grinned and patted his shoulders. "The only way I will believe you is if you carry me up up a mountain and lead me to a secluded forest to yell at me several times because you must think I'm in denial that you're an actual vampire."

And he did carry her up that mountain [with crappy visual effects].

Sakura hyperventilated, her eyes wide with utter shock. "Like, oh my god. Those fangs were actually real. I was wondering why some strange, foreign substance was coming off them."

"I eat blood-pills, because I'm a vegetarian vampire." Sasuke said, circling her, because he didn't know any other way to take out the total hype he felt.

"Are there such things as vegetarian vampires?"

"Oh, fer sure there are. I'm a vegetarian and so is my family, because only true vampires can live on blood-pills." He looked at her contemplating all of this horribly complicated information. "Listen, I just get superpowers being a vampire, there are definitely no negative side-effects like turning to ash or dying or incinerating or whatever else you would have assumed." Sasuke nodded, "Also, I sparkle in the sunlight."

Sakura stared at him with disbelief. "Sparkle?" She snorted, laughing.

"Major turn-on right? That's how I defeat most of my enemies. I sparkle them to death, and my fatality quote for all of my victims is: Sparkle Sparkle." Sasuke smirked. "Clever, isn't it?"

Sakura nodded in agreement. "Without a doubt."

"HOLY FUCK!" Sakura screamed when she woke up, to see Sasuke, lurking her bedroom. "Christ, Sasuke! If you weren't so undeniably gorgeous, I'd get my father, who is a cop, to have you arrested!"

Sasuke shrugged. "Even if you somehow resisted my beauty, I'd just sparkle him to death."

"Oh, right..." Sakura's brow furrowed as too many questions ran through her head. She finally parted her lips and spoke, "How long have you been doing this?"

Sasuke shrugged again. "Eh. Two months."

"But—... I've only lived here for a month." Sakura said, confused.

Sasuke said nothing, but gave her some sketchy look.

"Well... Uh..." She hesitated, not exactly knowing what to do. "Well, Christ, since your here—let's stop putting off the inevitable and let's make some demented, alien-like babies with Down Sydrome."

Sasuke's eyes widened and he jumped aback. "No! I can't have sex with you! I can't control myself! If I had sex with you, I'd bite you and turn you into a vampire! Even if worst came to worst, I ejaculate boiling venom, so I'd need to wear like fifty condoms."

"But...—"

Sasuke shook his head. "I don't want to take a chance of impregnating you [yet]."

Sakura spontaneously went super-emo and cried.

"Woe is me."

"Hn." Sasuke greeted Sakura's father. "I don't know you, because you're too lame to be brought up in conversation. If your lameness is contagious, I will sparkle you to death... Sparkle, Sparkle." Sasuke hissed, warning the middle-aged man.

Sakura's father narrowed her eyes.

"So I've heard you're a 100-years-old and you're interested in my 17-year-old daughter."

"Aa." Sasuke agreed before he shrugged. "You're daughter is kinky."

"Dad!" Sakura cried, her total amazingness radiating. "You're so embarrassing! I'm going to have dinner at his house with his family, that's all. Unless I'm attacked by ravenous vampires, of course."

Sakura's father scowled. "Bring this pepper spray with you." His tone lowered, "It's literally the very least I can do for my teenage daughter."

"Dad, come on! Don't be a total loser, like I would need this." Sakura scoffed, latching onto Sasuke's right arm. "His sparkles can blind them better than any can of pepper spray!"

"Really? Well, weren't you almost gangbanged by 4 guys earlier?"

"I have a boyfriend now. I've already learned that I don't need to be independent or have any ability whatsoever to do things on my own anymore. Duh." Sakura stated in a matter-of-fact tone. She shook her head and beckoned for Sasuke to follow her, "Come on Sasuke-kun. Do you think if I shine my light on you, you're sparkles will illuminate our pathway?"

"No. My sparkles only work with sunlight, because that's the only logical thing."

Sakura and Sasuke arrive at his mansion, which has to be extremely expensive and suave looking, because, every typical fantasy man just has to be unimaginably rich.

"Welcome to our ridiculously expensive home. I am Sasuke's father, but not really. Well... Uh, I'm the father figure of this family, because I've turned everyone into vampires. Please ignore the disturbing fact that I've only turned teenagers into vampires also." Fugaku greeted Sakura.

"What?" Sakura asked, confused.

"Stop bothering her dad." Sasuke's sisterly figure demanded. "Sakura, I bet you're totally special for Sasuke to take such a liking to you. I mean seriously, why else would he risk the lives of his entire family [resulting in some massive massacre]. Please, do tell us about your amazingness."

"Well, other than the fact I'm pretty fantabulous and perfect for no reason, I don't have any personality. I'm just some hollow character for young girls [and guys?] to project their own self-image and personality into. I just like to help teenagers create a negative and unlikely scenario to look forward to in their lives." Sakura shrugged, "I like the feeling that I've put probably a million girls lower in their self-confidence about getting guys and living a happy future like I totally will."

"Right..." Sasuke's sisterly-figure, Itachi, said. "Well, do you have hobbies, anything?"

"Well, stalking vampires that sparkle and dropping future goals that I could have probably had, in all hopes that I would live a happy life with an imaginary figure... Er, if that counts as a hobby."

Itachi smiled beautifully with glee, "Aw. How sweet!" He ran his fingers through his long, black locks and tightened the bow in his ponytail. "We play vampire baseball."

"Ha ha, cute." Sakura laughed at her joke, slapping her knee, because that's how funny it was.

"No, seriously. We even have uniforms and everything. Ready to watch us play?"

Sakura's jaw dropped ten-feet. "Actually, as it may so happen to be, I find Vampire Baseball the very last thing on Earth I or any sane person would enjoy watching."

"You have no choice, because we'll sparkle you to death if you don't enjoy our typical, vampire sport."

"Oh. Then go ahead." Sakura sighed, scratching the back of her head. "You're vampire ways are so suspenseful and original, that I just can't wait to see what happens next!"

Sakura watched as they actually did play Vampire Baseball and stood in awe at the intensity of the totally logical sport.

Several nomadic vampires appeared and wanted to join in on the oh-so-fun game of Vampire Baseball, but the Uchiha's, having a human with them, went all psychotic and began a hissing war.

Sakura joined in on the hissing, because, seriously, when was the last time she had the chance to make herself look like a complete idiot and hiss at a vampire?

Oh.

Never mind.

"We were totally gonna murder them if they played Vampire Baseball with us. Only rich and suave people, like us, can participate in such a sport."

"Christ... Murder?!"

The rest of the plot, along with the beginning of this plot, is [still] anti-climatic. But, don't worry, it still caught the attention of millions.

"Thanks for saving my life, Sasuke-kun [after endangering it by inviting me into your oh-so-dangerous world]. Let's go to prom together."

Sasuke sighed and and looked at the ground. With a completely serious and un-awesome tone, he finally spoke up. "Actually, I think, for the best, we should break up. I want to keep you safe, Sakura."

"From vampires?"

"That and being typecast forever. I'm already screwed, but it's not too late for you. I want to get you out while you still can." Sasuke pleaded in a total loving-boyfriend way.

"FUCK NO! NO! NO! OH MY GOD NO!" Sakura screamed, flailing her arms around. "You can NEVER leave me. NEVER! No matter what. NEVER EVER. We must stay together forever and ever and ever and freakin' EVER."

"Holy shit, you psychotic bitch!" Sasuke exclaimed, surprised by her totally clingy outburst. "I guess this is a realistic high school relationship after all." He mused seeing how Sakura was foaming at the mouth in utter fear of his leaving.

"Make me a vampire so I can be with you, Sasuke-kun. I don't care if I sacrifice my own life as a mortal. Cuz, yeah. That's totally cool and our love is burning with the intensity of a thousand fires. I'm not in denial that our relationship is only based on a few weeks either. Seriously, it only takes a little more than a few weeks for such an undying love like ours."

"Right. I want our next generation of young women to learn and want to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male." Sasuke agreed. "You're completely right, Sakura."

Sakura nodded. "I always am, because I'm perfect and awesome and fantabulous... Remember?"

"Oh yeah."

Sakura smiled radiantly, "I love you, so will you finally put your baby in me?"

"Ma'am, you've just had a baby boy."

The doctor lifted up the mutated baby for Sakura to hold. "Oh my... I hope it's rather large fangs, and it's weird-ass tongue and acid dripping saliva and octopus tentacles and Down Sydrome is completely normal."

"It's almost as blindingly beautiful as I am." Sasuke stated, smiling.

Sasuke, Sakura, and their demented child frolicked in a magical field of sugar-plum fairies, gumdrop rainbows, and orgasming unicorns.

"And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."

A/N: It's the shortened version, I'm too lazy to go into the whole 5000 page cliché. Yeah. Decent amount of dialog is based off the parody script. And beginning quote. THANK YOU ROBERT PATTINSON. No lies. I bet you like a hundred pennies, Stephanie Meyer has a sparkle fetish along with a thousand others. Blechk. :|

EWHH its Kenna