Title: 107-Year-Old Virgin

By: Sierra_Sitruc

Rating: M

Genre: Humor/Romance

Pairing: Bella/Edward

Warning: OOC Edward, but it's meant to be funny. Don't take it seriously. Oh, and sex.

Summary: Not really an AU: Edward is concerned about his virtue.

Author's Note: Edward's age is changed a little from the canon, mostly because I wasn't sure when my story was going to take place – since it obviously is an AU from the books.

*

"Wait, wait, wait," she held up her hand to stop my explanation. I winced at what I knew was an oncoming rejection. I don't care what people say, a woman wants an experienced man. Perhaps a man in his twenties could pull off still being a virgin.

At 107, you have absolutely no excuses.

I am an utter failure at all things sex. It's not that I'm incapable of arousal. I wake up with a boner every morning like any healthy 17-year-old male. My body is perfectly fine, in that sense, yet when it comes to being with a woman…something in particular always got in the way.

I was only beginning to explain this to the love of my existence, Bella Swan, when she stopped me. Her mouth is open, her eyes unfocused. I want to break through whatever barrier she keeps around her mind and rifle through her thoughts until I figure out how she is taking the news. Instead, I replayed our previous conversation in my mind. She honestly had believed I was experienced! I felt myself smiling humorlessly at the idea. I should have told her the truth sooner, before we were married.

If I had experience, I wouldn't have made up that stupid marriage condition to change her. I suppose my gentlemanly upbringing was a small part of it, but the main thing was that I was scared shitless of Bella taking off her clothes! I knew more than any virgin on the planet about sex as a result of my giftedness and I still frantically agonized over what to do in bed with Bella.

Not matter what I had told Bella about wanting to wait until we were married, it was almost one-hundred percent lies. No one had interested me before her? True and not true. True, because no one had ever interested me to such an obsessive, passionate degree that she had. Not true, because I had been interested in other women in a sexual way. It just hadn't gone anywhere.

On the subject of control, after believing her dead, I had no temptation for her blood. It was only lust that I was worried about losing control of. I wanted Bella, badly. I was only…nervous. It was my first time, too, after all. I'd waited so long for this; I didn't know how to get rid of the disease that was my V-card.

But if Bella didn't want me, now she had found out I was a virgin…Shit! I had to explain to her. I had tried many times to…lose my…virginity. If you had to hear people thinking about having sex all the time, you'd want to try it out for yourself! Wouldn't you?

Let me tell you, listening to a woman's thoughts is the biggest boner shrinker you could imagine. That is the best part of not hearing Bella's mind; I won't have to listen to the inane ramblings going through her mind incessantly.

Too bad she was still looking dumbstruck at me since I had admitted the truth about my…lack of experience. I needed to tell her I'd tried. Several times. Here's my list.

Girl #1: Rosalie Hale

Carlisle had to pick the hottest girl alive to be my mate. Too bad he also picked the most arrogant and spoiled, girl alive. I was attracted, physically. One look into her personality, however, and my boner shrank back in fright.

I tried to block her thoughts, to make an attempt at even faking interest. Boner would not return. No matter how hot she was, I had a limp dick. Fortunately, she didn't think much of me either.

Carlisle and Esme discussed the possibility I'd been changed "too young". Hardly the case. Seventeen-year-old males are in the prime of sexual urges. Imagine living with those urges for all eternity.

Girl #2: Tanya Denali

Tanya was gorgeous, as vampires are meant to be. She was experienced, someone who could teach me the carnal tango with class. It intimidated my boner into hiding. I could see into her memories every conquest she'd ever had. It was fascinating, even educational. I decided, perhaps I could try with Tanya. Try to…engage in coitus.

We got as far as groping before Tanya thought of how "sweet" I was. Then more and more thoughts that emasculated me trickled through and I had to tell her this wasn't working for me.

"Tanya, I read people's minds! I think it is impossible for me to have sex!" I snapped hysterically, when she tried to persuade me to continue our activities. She backed off with wide eyes and started reciting Anna Karenina in Russian.

After that, a dark eternity of celibacy stretched out before me. I worked on my music, learned other languages, anything I could get my hands on to distract me from all the sex I was never going to have.

Girl #3 Bella Swan

That night in my bedroom, on the bed…She was begging for it. Taking off her clothes, making my boner stand at attention like it never had before, I wanted to give her what she wanted. I really did. My sensibilities had been compromised, I wanted to do her. I froze in fear at what I was meant to do next. While hearing Bella's thoughts would probably kill my arousal, it certainly would clue me in on how to please her.

There was something about her movements that reminded me, that although she liked to pretend we were both virgins, she didn't actually believe that I was one. It seemed a ridiculous notion to someone in her generation that a boy could wait that long to have sex. She thought I had had lots of sex. I could tell by how she expected me to take charge, take off our clothes and get busy.

Sweet heaven on Earth did I want to get busy. 107 years is a long time to wait to get some action.

Then I remembered it. The last bit of my humanity that had truly remained in tact: my virtue. My blessed, sacred virtue. That was when everything changed.

I was terrified. Bella Swan was unknowingly hunting down my long-held virginity. I would not be taken of advantage of by a crude, sex-driven human girl of the new millennia. We would do things my way.

Even if that meant I had to tell her the dreaded truth of my virginity.

I held off as long as I could in telling her.

Now, the night of our honeymoon, my excuses were over. In a fit of fear, I blurted out the truth.

"Bella, I'm a virgin!" I said it like virgin was the dirtiest word in the English language. It might as well be.

Then, the open mouth and unfocused eyes thing happened to her and another fit of fear hit me. The fear that Bella didn't want a virgin. That hadn't occurred to me before. Now my boner was angry with me. I had ruined its chances of shagging like bunnies on Isle Esme, the island meant for sex.

Now I hated my dreaded attachment to my virtue. Damn my virtue, I wanted to fucking fuck my wife!

"Wait," Bella repeated. She blinked into awareness, staring at me. "You're telling me that in this entire century of your life, you have not once done the – err – dirty deed?" I was unaware at the arousal dripping from every word.

I shook my head, ashamed. "Not for lack of trying, Bells, honest. It's only that, reading minds can be a real drag. The things women think about during passionate moments! How can a man be aroused when she's wondering about what's coming on the TV? I needed you. You who can hide whatever random thought is in your head, so I can bang your lights out." I pulled her close to me, doing my best to dazzle her with my eyes into an orgasm.

She grinned seductively at me.

The tables had turned.

"Edward, I don't care that you're a virgin. I'm a virgin, too, you know," she straddled my lap. "I might even like the fact that you're a virgin. I think it turns me on."

"I'm almost a hundred years older than you," I pointed out grumpily, though my mood was steadily increasing with her location.

"Which means we're going to have to use all the skills we can think of to make this the hottest virginity losing night in the history of the world," she told me confidently.

I threw my virtue in the dustbin and used an interesting trick I'd learned from reading minds. I ripped her shirt down the middle.

Her pupils dilated. I realized at that moment, that I didn't need to read minds to please her. I loved Bella and knew her expressions better than my own. I was going to pleasure her like a 107-year-old virgin had never pleasured a woman before. Not that any 107-year-old virgins existed besides myself.

Quoting the Flight of the Conchords, it was Business Time.

I kissed her, as passionately as I could without getting venom past those luscious lips. She squirmed against me while my hands drifted to her breasts. I was as gentle as a vampire could be, tweaking her nipples until she cried out into my mouth. I loved her breasts. They were so soft, silky. With my heightened senses, I could feel her heartbeat pounding vigorously with arousal.

"Edward, you promised you'd try," she reminded me. Promised to try? I was going to do better than try.

"Yes, love," I mumbled into her mouth. I shredded my shirt in one tug. I actually heard her get wetter. I shuddered in excitement. Her breasts pressed against my bare chest were more erotic than I could have imagined. This woman was not wearing clothes for the rest of the honeymoon and she was going to be against my naked body the whole time. We'll become nudists.

"Uhnnn," was as coherent as she could sound. I slid my hands to her ass, squeezing gently. It caused her to rock harder against me. I now understood perfectly why sex was the most popular thing on people's minds. This was addictive and we hadn't even gotten naked yet. Something that was about to change.

"Bella, lie down," I whispered, not really allowing her to move at all, but physically moving her myself. She was spread out before me, itching to be ravished. She licked her lips.

I ripped off the rest of her clothes in mere seconds.

Her body arched, obviously that move had pleased her a lot more than I had planned on it doing. She liked when I went cave man, ripping things. I took the liberty of disposing of my jeans in the same manner.

The guttural moan that came from her made me decide that she liked what she saw. Of course, I knew women thought I was attractive. I knew that even naked I was irresistible. As was Bella. I looked at her tempting body, my cock aching with the need to do what it instinctually wanted to do: thrust into her wet, ready body.

I paced myself.

I reminded myself that I had set out to please Bella to the best of my ability. Unlike insignificant human boys, I was capable of stamina they could only dream of. Bella would get a long-lasting performance she wouldn't be able to forget even when she acquitted her human life for an immortal one.

As gently as I could, I spread her legs. They quivered uncontrollably.

"Oh, oh, oh! Yes, yes, yes!" Bella was chanting. I had knelt between her legs, kissing and licking my way up and down each thigh. She must have figured out my next move. I caressed my tongue closer to her clit and she screamed, "Please!"

I complied.

I knew what various women liked from the research through my unusual gift. It was only a matter of attuning this knowledge to the right speed for Bella.

She was tugging my hair and thrusting her hips, cumming in less than ten seconds.

Being a vampire had its uses. My tongue moved fast and didn't get tired. In another minute she was screaming with a second release. I grinned smugly up at her from my suggestion position between her thighs. Her brown eyes stared at me, worshipping my previously unknown skill at going down on a woman.

"Edward," Bella panted. "Please, I want you inside me."

In my pursuit of giving her pleasure, I had almost forgotten the grand finale. Almost.

"You sure about this?" I asked her. Already knowing her answer, I gracefully hoisted myself above her. My cock an inch from her entrance.

"I love you," she answered simply.

A smile broke across my face. "I love you," I said reverently. I bent down to kiss her as I made the final slide into home. Goodbye virtue. My cock celebrated at the hot, tight feel of being inside Bella.

I had to restrain the urge to thrust violently and repeatedly like a wild man when I felt her tense beneath me.

"How is it?" We asked each other in unison. Despite the pleasure-pain of the situation, we both laughed.

"It's fading quickly," she breathed in my ear.

"It might be better than drinking your blood," I confessed. That must have reignited her arousal, because her hips undulated against mine.

Bella's hands gripped my marble hard ass. "Move!" Instantaneously I was following her command. I was careful, making love to her like you were supposed to for a woman's first time.

Bella had other ideas.

One of her tiny hands smacked at my ass.

I stared at her in shock. "Bella?" I asked, cautious.

She grinned coyly at me. "I think I like it a little rough, Edward," Bella she crooned in my ear.

My brain went haywire at her words. She would be bruised the next day, if I wasn't careful, but it was so hard not to do as she asked. I bit a pillow to keep my lust in check. I was thrusting at a very fast human face, the maximum speed her tiny body could take my large member. She basked in the pleasure I was giving her.

"Just like that, just like that," was all she could say before I felt her heat clamping down on my cock. At the realization that she was cumming for the third time that night, because of me, I couldn't hold off my own climax any longer.

I was silent as I came inside her. I stayed in that position for several moments, before I looked up to see she had passed out on me. I laughed to myself, pulling away reluctantly from her.

Gathering her in my arms, I prepared to watch her sleep until she awoke in the morning.

A couple hours later, she started talking. I was hopeful to get some insight into what she had thought of our first time.

"A virgin…" she muttered. I cringed. Perhaps she had minded about that after all.

Then, "So hot." Did she think me being a virgin was hot? Or the sex was hot? I held still, waiting for more.

And then! "Edward, I took your virtue…and I'm keeping it."

The consequences of our carnal activities hit me. My precious virtue was gone. Bella had stolen it away, and with fireworks. I remembered all her begging for sex. Perhaps it wasn't some human experience she was after. Perhaps, her hormone-crazed body had been after one thing in particular.

She'd been after my virtue the whole time.

"Virtue-stealer," I accused quietly, kissing her on the lips. "I love you."

*

Author's Note: I hope this wasn't too bad. I haven't written sex from a guy's POV like this before. It was…different. This bunny came about when I was definitely not doing my 25-page paper due in a month. I haven't written a page. If only I could churn out words on it like I can fiction. Nonfiction bites.

Please review! I love knowing people read my stuff!