Lost and Found
And
she turns her eyes to the child, almost forgetting that in her arms
is not some damned offspring or haunted memory. In her arms is the
soft skin that Xena never had. In her arms are the blue eyes that
Xena always owned.
Gabrielle
holds the child tighter, but cannot look too closely again.
Deep
and down, I can't let you go. You stare back at me from another
place. You ask for help as you plunge the knife in. And I can't hate
you. You and I, we are the same... we just fall upon opposite sides
of the river.
You
rage and not without reason. I sink and not without justification.I
can't let you go.
And
she turns her eyes to the child, leaving the face for last... leaving
the face for never-ever. Afraid to look down and see someone else's
chin or nose. Never the girl from so long ago, never a trace of her
baby-blonde hair or of her tiny smile.
Gabrielle
kisses Eve's temple, but cannot say her name aloud again.
I can't let you go.Waiting to expose me as the bad parent, as the cold stone hidden by human flesh, as a failure to you and to her and to myself. My dear daughter, I don't have to go far to find this guilt. Every lost second is one I spend with you, within my soul... where you keep on living, keep on cursing me and loving me...And I can't let you go.
And
she turns her eyes to the child. She keeps her close and doesn't let
go. When Xena steps up and removes the weight from her arms,
Gabrielle feels like a ship listing in the ocean.
And
she turns her eyes to watch the child as Xena walks away, her warrior
voice gone quiet in infant tones.
Gabrielle
feels the knees go first, then her body staggers to the wall.
And
she turns her eyes to the child, the last sight before the door
closes, giggling from her mother's shoulder...
I can't let you go. I can't.I let you leave me so long ago. Not this time. This time, I will hold on for dear life. If you cry, I will soothe you. If you hurt, then I will heal you. If you need me... I will be there. I am your mother. You are my life.And I can't let you go.I won't let you go.
And
she turns her eyes to the entrance, blinking back old tears. She
walks quickly and catches up to Xena, coasting her hand over Eve's
cheek.
The
child smiles at her and Gabrielle feels the sweet firmness of the
shore under her feet once again.
I
am here.
And
I won't let you go.
END