WARNING: THIS IS SLASH.

I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!
Like my sister, I am horrible at nicknames and names and everything similar so I'm taking her idea and asking you readers if I can use some of your pen names for some of my characters. A lot of you have great names and I'd love to use a few of them. Just let me know!

Disclaimer: I have no claim, in any way or form, over either Harry Potter or Twilight, and I do not pretend to. I do however, own this plot, and though it's based on both stories, it veers dramatically away from both at one point in time. So do not steal it please!

A/N: Ok, first there's the usual thank you to my reviewers, because you guys rock my world with your words! Though it seems like I have to say this yet again, but this is the last time I'll repeat it:

It's canon- I repeat- CANON! (As in I didn't just poop the idea out of my head and run with it) that Harry can no longer speak Parseltongue. He only had that ability because he was a horcrux of Voldemort's, and when he died and killed the one inside of him, the ability to speak Parseltongue left him. Yes, I know that most writers on FF overlook this and that's probably why you guys are all confused and constantly reminding me that he should understand his snake when in reality he shouldn't.

Sorry to the rest of my reviewers that you have to deal with my rather rude rant against those silly people and the others who will (hopefully) come upon my story. Just trying to prevent those poor fellows from confusion, you know how it is.

Now about chapter four! This chapter further introduces Harry's other stalkers with an interesting scene that I hope puts you on the edge of your seats. Actually I hope the whole chapter has you ripping your hair out from all the 'Did that really just happen?' moments. Also it shows Harry's war training- which is closer to what I think it should have been in the later books but since I'm still trying to be canon I can't go overboard and make Harry a mathematical genius and… well you get my point. He's still funny bunny Harry trying to figure out what the hell is going on in his life but without a wand now. Oh the horrors.

Beta-ed by MistyFire. She just saved a bunch of you from a whole lot of misinterpretation and questions.

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Definitely Not Disney
By Shadow Hunt

Chapter Four

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Harry Potter could now add another two words within the story of his life: "Royally Fucked". They would be big and bold, and could probably even be the title of his story because those two words seemed to appear quite a lot, especially recently. Because really, when you throw vampires into a story you simply have to have those two words since they're the only ones that can really get the feelings across. There's fear, mystery, anger, lust, love and of course an overflow of confusion, and Harry felt all of these (except maybe love) times ten the Sunday morning following his discovery of what creature Edward was. It also followed the disappearance of his wand and the wary pop he heard not too long after Edward had jumped out his window that sounded suspiciously close to an apparation pop. But vampires, even if they were a wizard in life, could not use magic. Magic might have initially changed them into predators, but after the change it leaves them with organs and bones that can't age and the addition their natural weapons. Not even a drop of magic left in their bones. And that lead Harry to yet another problem.

Some wizard had found him, and whether that wizard meant harm or not was still left to be decided. First thing he had to do though was figure out who this person was and if this person was working with Edward, then he could more easily figure out their intentions. Well he hoped it would be easy but without a clue as to where to start, he realized that it wouldn't be. It's not like he could simply ask Edward since there was a chance that Edward wasn't in some plot against him and therefore had no knowledge that he's a wizard. Harry had yet to realize that Edward suspected he was one through observations of his own the previous night starting with the finding of his wand.

It was around this time that an owl flew into his room, which was odd considering it was ten in the morning and the Headmistress had said that all owls were to only be received at night in case a muggle noticed the air traffic. Harry didn't know how they assured this, but he had guessed that some spell had been placed on the window or even around the house. The fact was that an unfamiliar owl was in his house with the sun up and shining, carrying a rolled piece of parchment with a red seal poking out. Harry inched close enough to be able to see the Black family crest on the seal, but the oddity of this prevented him from reaching for the parchment. He did after all just find out about a new stalker. But after a few moments of looking at the family crest, he remembered Andromeda Tonks explaining to him once that family crests could only be used as seals by people with the family blood as long as the parchment it was on were made of any wood with magical properties. A quick once-over assured him that the parchment was made of a burnt olive tree, magical and symbolic if he remembered correctly. Being burnt meant either the sender was in danger or the receiver was and the olive tree obviously meant peace. Considering the peculiar combination, Harry translated it into a wizard or witch in the Black family needed his help or was offering it.

With that in mind he made his way over to the owl, wishing immensely that he could cast a few spells over the owl to be sure of his theory but without his wand he could only cast a spell that made sure the owl's feathers wouldn't turn into spikes on touch and cut up his hand, which he did right away and came back negative. But right before he actually touched the letter, he paused. He suddenly remembered that Andromeda had also said that a wizard could add any slight change to the family crest and then be able to use it as a seal with ease. And it wasn't like he had memorized every line and movement of the Black family crest. They could also use another seal entirely but use a spell to make it look like the Black family crest. So he withdrew his hand and backed up again to sit on the edge of his bed, looking at his magically repaired desk to try and decide what to do.

Deciding it would be best to try and narrow down the sender and work from there, he reseated himself at his desk and began a list on whom it could be.

List of Plausible Senders

Black Family:

Andromeda Tonks
Teddy Lupin
Narcissa Malfoy
Draco Malfoy

Other:

Alive Death Eaters
New Stalker(s)

Harry sat back and looked down at the list frowning. The only one he could automatically cross off was his godson Teddy since he didn't think the kid even knew his ABC's yet. But besides that, the Black family list was too small and the others could technically be anybody. What he could do though was start crossing off the Blacks and see if he would even need to start pulling names out of the 'Other' list and narrow those down too. If he was going to start anywhere, it'd be with Draco considering he was really the only one on the list that had a reason to think he was in danger, though Andromeda was the most likely person to want to help him. Then again, Narcissa was in with the gossip and therefore could easily learn if there was a plot against him. She would probably warn him just so he would be in debt to her.

More confusion. More mystery. This called for a cup of tea.

He made his way to the kitchen slowly and made his tea even slower. Charlie had made sure to stock up on some teabags when Harry had told him he would rather tea over coffee. Though it had unfortunately taken Charlie a week or so to find the right one. See, Bella was too picky, Charlie got freaked over the odd colors (as in green tea), and American tea simply wasn't up to par to British tea in Harry's mind. Once the tea was ready Harry leaned against the counter, sipping his tea as Bella made her way into the kitchen at the warming smell.

"Morning Harry!" Bella said with a stretch of her arms, making her way over to the teapot and pouring herself a cup. Harry nodded back, still trying to figure out how he was to go about narrowing down the Black family list as Bella sat down at the kitchen table. Her sigh brought him out of his thoughts, and reminded him of his other assignment which was to break her of her obsession of Edward. The lie about Edward hitting his old girlfriend was something Harry hoped Bella had thought over throughout the past week, but without breaching the subject and possibly upsetting her, he wouldn't be able to tell if he needed to pull out some of his other tricks. Luckily though she brought it up first. "Harry, I noticed you dress a bit nicer than most people. Not overly but just enough to get you notice."

Harry shrugged, taking another sip of his tea. "Sure I guess. I have this friend back home who's crazy about fashion and after the–" hehushed himself before he said something about the war. Muggles knew that Britain had gone through some troubles but they mostly thought it was economic problems. That was the excuse most magical governments used when a magical war broke out and muggles bought it every time. So he figured it was safe to go along with that. "After we got our money problems under control she forced me into the mall and picked out a new wardrobe for me. I wasn't going to buy them but Lavender got my other friend Luna to throw out my old clothes." Actually Luna had permanently transfigured his clothes into carrots and then fed them to the garden gnomes, but Harry was sure he'd get a weird look for saying that.

Bella seemed to mull over that for a little bit before she replied, "I think I need a new wardrobe too. I'm not one big on fashion but I guess I could do better than what I have now. Maybe a few nicer shirts, ya know?" This was a strange thing for Bella to say in view of her casual style so Harry took a not-so-wild guess that she was doing this for Edward. She probably thought that Harry's style of clothes was what made Edward want to be friends with him in the first place. Harry wanted to tell her otherwise but what could he say? That it wasn't because of his clothes but because he smelled like a Chicago hotdog to the teen vampire? Or because Harry was mysterious since he was hiding his last name, his involvement in the Second Wizarding War, and a little thing called magic? Oh yeah, that would go over well.

"Bella are you doing this for Edward?" Best to be sure after all.

"No!" Bella said too quickly with a look of a caught puppy on her face. All the confirmation Harry needed.

Placing his tea back onto the counter, Harry walked over to Bella and sat on the chair next to her. He even took her hand in his for an added measure. "Bella," Harry started. "A guy isn't worth changing yourself for." He was playing a little softer trick, but since he didn't think that would completely win her over, he added, "Especially not one as rude and different as him. I mean any guy that hits girls" (Kills people.) "Isn't the type of guy for you. You deserve better than that." Edward though deserved a dead snake (Amkemil maybe?) for a lover, and not even one with both eyes and all of its skin.

He had Bella squirming in her seat. She looked as if she wanted to agree with him but after a few moments something seemed to hit her and she shook her head. "It might be stupid of me but I want to get to know him and see if he's really as bad as you say he is. I already got dad to give me some money for my little shopping spree before he left for work anyways, so I think I'm going to get Jessica to help me with picking everything out."

Harry was about to reply when an idea hit him. If she was going into town, then if he rode with her, he could take a cab or bus from there to Redmond, the closest magical town, and find the owlery so he could simply ask Draco and Andromeda if they sent the sealed letter or not. Of course the messages he would send them would need to be coded but Harry would have time to think of what to say on the way there. While he was there it would probably be smart to stock up on a few magical items and try to find something or someone that would help him track down his wand. So he quickly asked Bella if it was all right for him to go and after she agreed, he went back to his room to get ready. He eyed the rolled parchment on his windowsill with caution but there was nothing more he could do but close his blinds and magically lock his windows so no one could see the letter or get to it easily if they knew it was there. He wished he could move it but he couldn't touch it and using any sort of magic on the letter such as a Wingardium Leviosa might activate a magical trip wire on the parchment. Not good, so he left it there without another thought and left with Bella and Jessica about an hour after magically changing his hair to a lighter shade of brown and his eyes to blue so in town no witch or wizard had a chance at recognizing him. But he did have to wear a hat and sunglasses so Bella and Jessica didn't notice the changes on the ride there.

Once in town he had to wait another thirty minutes for the bus to arrive and from there, him and a larger man with a slight odor boarded the bus and made their way to Redmond. It was a long ride with only him, the bulky chap, and an elderly lady who was apparently going to stay with her grandson (she liked to chitchat Harry had quickly realized and was glad when the lady fell asleep. An Asian woman boarded about thirty minutes to their destination who had Harry taking a few extra glances her way, but when he tried to make conversation she plugged a music device into her ears and prevented him from trying again. Shame too Harry mused, she was right fit if not downright cracking! Only thing that Harry thought would make her even better was different color eyes since hers were a dull brown and not a golden brown like Edward's- Harry blushed and shook his head. He was not going to think about the vampire, the rather hot, needy, and almost too perfect kiss, or those gorgeous eyes today or tomorrow or any other day. Too bad ten minutes latter he found himself daydreaming about said taboo creature and none too innocently either.

Hormones were to blame of course. Only a few kisses, one failed make-out, and years of getting to know his hand logically made him ready to jump anybody, male or female. Because though he had never specifically classified himself as straight or bent, he had always thought he leaned more towards the birds. Maybe it was just the vampire attraction that made him bending, maybe not. But whatever ever it was, Harry knew that there was no way he in fact was solely attracted to Edward because he was, well, Edward. That'd be silly.

…Right?

That silly talk was pushed out of his thoughts when he was unable to do anything but cheer when the bus driver stopped and announced they had arrived. The man next to him grinned and clapped with him, which had Harry blushing at his foolery, but at least he wasn't being laughed at. In fact, the man turned to him and said, "You're really something Harry." Then the two of them parted and Harry made his way to the closest bookstore. Most bookstores have some sort of hint to where the magic district is because even if they put it in plain sight for muggles to see, they only think it's an advertisement for another book. As he stopped to wait for the light to turn green so he could cross the street, his eyes went wide as he came to another horrible and shocking realization.

He had never told the bloke his name.

"Oh bloody fucking hell!" Was all Harry could say, earning a few shrewd glances, but Harry was running back towards the bus stop before he even had a chance to notice them. The bus sign came into view and as he skidded to a halt next to it he looked around the busy street for any mark of the man, no matter how unlikely, and came up with nothing. He nearly wanted to scream in frustration. He needed answers! But before he became too frantic his eyes fell upon the geezer who had boarded the bus leaning against the brick stairs to a nearby building. She was probably waiting for the next bus Harry decided as he walked over to her and he wasted no time getting her attention. "Have you seen the large man we were riding with on the bus ma'am? I need to find him." Harry asked with shifty eyes.

The elderly lady smiled at him. "Sure hunny bunny." She reached into her purse for what Harry could only assume was for a pencil and paper for directions but when her hand came back out of her purse it was holding a wand. "He's right behind you." Harry's eyes widened and he dropped to the ground and turned on the balls of his feet in his crouched position to face the other as a spell flew over his head and hit the man in question. The man fainted on contact, which caused the lady to let out a string of curses using the name "Horse" for her partner in a rather different and slightly younger sounding voice then he had heard from her before. As she started another wand movement Harry darted into the crowd to run blindly around the busy and swearing people. A kid fainted next to him from intercepting a spell and that almost made Harry turn back to try and hurt the woman with his bare hands before he convinced himself that he could get payback later when he actually had a chance at winning. Without a wand though, he feared that that chance might be a while from now.

Harry supposed that the couple had cast a notice-me-not charm around the bus stop otherwise there would have been chaos the moment the man had fainted. With the thought of chaos he promptly pulled his magic into his right arm like he had when he pushed Edward away and flung it out while still in motion to cut down a lamppost, sending it flying into the street. People launched into screaming and scattering, giving Harry a perfect opportunity to cross the street unnoticed and enter a small department store. He was still running as he went through the back door to the street behind the shop with several screams from the workers. He paused momentarily to look around and when he spotted a FedEx delivery truck being loaded he swiftly flew himself into the back of the truck and hid behind a hefty box so the delivery man didn't see him when he went back to shut the door to the cargo.

Only when the truck started to move did Harry finally let out a breath of relief. His heart was pounding and he was out of breath from the scare he had just received. Sitting up slightly he moved into a more comfortable position so he could think over the events more properly. After running through them twice he pulled together profiles of the couple. The man known as Horse oddly reminded him not of a horse but of a bear. His hair was shaggy and his brown eyes were slightly set in with a stout nose in the middle of them. He was even quite bulky, but not necessarily fat. The clothes he wore had been in uniform fashion and therefore Harry had to assume he had a high paying job, but the scruffiness of the jacket and his slight odor indicated he was a slob and was more than likely a lackey. The old lady on the other hand was a slight confusion considering how much Harry doubted the lady was as old as she had appeared, probably magically disguised no doubt. A few glamours here and there and you could look like a bleeding octopus if you really wanted. But all in all, neither one of them gave off a dodgy vibe, and in fact gave off the complete opposite. So who were they? He had no idea, but he sure as hell was going to find out even if he had to burn the whole city down in search of them.

On second thought he'd rather not get stuck in an American prison for being an arsonist. He'd heard their phrase "don't drop the soap" to describe the prisons a bit too many times for comfort.

But at the moment he had to worry about the deliveryman finding him since the truck had stopped, not about what would happen if he dropped the soap. He moved back behind the largest box and crammed his joints in the small space he had to work with, blinking rapidly as light pored into the dark he had slowly been growing accustomed to. A gruff voice was speaking in a hushed tone to the truck's left but Harry could only make out a few words, and then another voice sounded from the right talking about his girlfriend, so Harry figured these two guys were of a neutral party. They took out two boxes from in front of the box Harry was hiding behind and then shut the door again and began to move down the street.

After what seemed like forever, the driver's cell phone ran and stopped the man from singing along to some rap song on the radio. Harry held his breath in shock of the ring tone and waited to hear the man exclaiming something about how he had no idea he was carrying a stowaway and was already loading his gun to take care of his little problem. "Hello? Ah hey! What'cha need?" He paused and Harry pressed his ear against the metal separating him from the other in a poor attempt to hear the person on the other side of the phone. "Well sure hun, I can do that. Just milk and eggs right?" Another pause and then he laughed. Harry couldn't decide if this laugh was manically done or not. Since he didn't plan on dying any time soon he put his hands together and prayed to Merlin that the next sounds weren't the loading of a gun. "Got'cha. Now you be ready for me sweetie! Love ya! Bye!" And then he hung up and began to sing yet again, letting Harry relax and grin his goofy grin at how paranoid he had become in the last few minutes. Finding himself falling back to what he'd been growing accustomed to for the time he had been riding as a stowaway was easy. The heavy jerking of the truck and obnoxious music wasn't all that bad if you compared it to that muggle prison he couldn't seem to get out of his head. He was just glad he could hear and feel anything at all really.

Harry didn't doze off but it seemed that one minute they were still steadily speeding down the street and the next the truck was coming to a slow stop. Weighing his grim options, he moved into a crouched position so as soon as the door opened he could make his great escape. He didn't know where he was but maybe he could risk an apparation as soon as he was safe enough, but like he had decided earlier, that would be suicide. Apparations were too easy to track and magical signatures were too pronounced to use in a situation such as this. But without apparating he'd be lost on the Redmond streets, and if they were anything like the ones he'd heard New York had, he'd be sold to prostitution before he could say "virgin". Or perhaps that wasn't the best thing to admit when in that certain situation…

And then the door opened and he pushed forward with his feet to bang out into the open and past two shocked men. He made a quick assessment of his surroundings and discovered he was in an unloading garage for packages so he guessed that most of these doors lead to rooms that had machines sorting letters and packages out. He'd need to find one that lead outside or find a way past the trucks, but going backwards was never a good thing in chases. Besides, the men he had rushed by were already starting to realize what was going on and were pointing him out to other burly men so that left only one option: to run blindly and madly through a random door ahead of him. He did just that and came into an office with another door to the right leading into a letter sorting room. He looked around the letter room in confusion, wondering how he was suppose to get to the other side of the room through this maze of machines, but as soon as he heard shouting behind him in the office he decided his course of action. He sprinted forward and then started leaping over the conveyor belts, trying to escape the men behind him. If they caught him and sent him to jail the couple that had cornered him earlier would have an easy time finding him. And the soap. You couldn't forget his fear of dropping it.

"Get the runt!" He heard one of the men shout as he ran through another door, and yet another door a moment later. It seemed like a never-ending maze but he knew that the workers had to be able to get out of here so he could too. And just when it seemed that all hope was lost he saw a window and a door to its side. A grin grew on his face as he neared the door, knowing that as soon as he was out of it he was free. It was so close now. He could finally stop running once he was safe. He could-

A spell hit his legs and sent him sprawling against the cement floor. His breath was knocked out of him but still he tried to leap back up for the door. It was so close! But his legs were numb from the effect of the spell so the most he could do was crawl with his hands in a useless effort for escape. When he realized that he should save his energy Harry stopped, wondering if he could risk an apparation. After hearing footsteps nearing him he decided that that was his only choice, no matter that he'd be on the run from maybe more powerful people soon after he landed. Harry took a heavy breathe to concentrate drawing his magic into him, then pictured his muggle school and let his magic run through him with a sense of freedom.

That freedom left him when he slammed right up against an anti-apparation ward.

Oh shit.

"So you're a wizard huh?"

Shit, shit, fuck!

The clicking of heels meeting cement seemed to echo to Harry, though instead of getting quieter it got louder. He didn't even have the will to turn and face his capturer though his training was urging him to with a nagging voice oddly sounding like Hermione. With her in mind he wondered what she would do. Most certainly squish the buzzing (and downright annoying) little bug on his left ear while simultaneously reciting a recipe for pie and memorizing the numbers for pi, if she hasn't already of course. And why oh why was his stomach rumbling at a moment like this? He didn't even like pie that much. Well that wasn't true. He clearly recalled almost dying from eating too much of Mrs. Weasley's "sorry-I-hated-you-for-breaking-up-with-my-daughter" apple pie a month or so ago, but Harry slowly realized that none of that mattered. What mattered was Hermione would already be at home reading a book and so far he was still stuck on the rather cold floor of a FedEx letter room. Of course, Hermione also had a wand while he didn't. That might be a slight unfair advantage.

Then he heard it. A chuckle. And it was coming from his attacker. Was his hunger a blessing in disguise? A moment later he found out it was when she said, "I've got a soft spot for street rats so if you promise to behave I'll feed you and let you be on your way- Just no more scaring my drivers, got it?" It'd be insane not to play the role of a street rat so with a mumbled yes the lady restored his legs back. With his legs finally mobile he turned to face the lady and found himself facing a dwarf. Not a midget but an actual magical dwarf in red platform heels and a lime green suit with a nametag so bright and flashy Harry couldn't read what her name was. Though Harry honestly didn't know what scared him more: the outfit or her. Not only were dwarves known for their poor manners and erratic tempers, her green eyes were hardened with war and only the wide smirk on her face kept him from trying to flee again. Plus, anyone that wore purple lipstick had to have some sort of fun side right? That or she knew the exact way to make people let their guard down around her so she could… did dwarves eat people? Or did they just gnaw on their bones? Was the latter any better then the foremost?

"Get up and trail me like a stray puppy or be starved like one." Harry nodded quickly and followed her orders in a worried rush. They past through several more rooms before they came to a stop in a rather lavish and colorful office that Harry new instantly had to be hers. It had a yellow and pink poke-a-dotted loveseat and a painting above that that oddly reminded him of a diamond filled with what Harry could only guess was people. The dwarf went over to a small fridge perfect for her size and pulled out a sandwich perfect size for a whole football team, setting it on her desk and pushing half of it towards him. His stomach rumbled again at it's sight and another chuckle left her lips. "Eat up."

Now, before anything more about this slightly off meeting of dwarf and man is said, it should be noted that Harry, no matter that he knew better, did actually take a bite out of the sandwich. The risk of being poisoned, for the barmiest of reasons, was not a something in his mind at this moment even when a (fake) granny and a slob had attacked him almost as soon as he entered Redmond and then was soon after chased by a handful of deliverymen and workers under this woman's command. There is no explanation for his lack of judgment except for maybe his hunger, but even then this slip up in his training was one thing Harry regrets later on in life. Being indebted to a dwarf, especially to this corporate mastermind, was not a good thing to happen to our young hero.

Fast-forwarding a few bites into Harry's half of the turkey and bacon, cheese sandwich, the dwarf laid her own mostly eaten half back down on the table and pulled out a small bottle full of lavender colored liquid. This seemed to bring Harry back to his present situation like a pinch brought most people out of their dreams. She grinned at his expression and leaned towards him with her arms neatly on the desk. "Your half of the sandwich was poisoned. You have fifteen minutes before you start convulsing and seventeen before your joints start popping out of place and separating from your body- starting with your toes. This here," She held up the bottle. "Is the antidote." Harry quickly tried to grab for it but even though dwarf's reflexes tend to be slow, she was expecting this so she easily moved her hand slightly upwards so he would miss. "I will give it to you if you answer every single one of my questions without pause. If you lie even once I will destroy this and good luck getting to the closest hospital in time."

He should have risked prison when he had the chance. To hell with the soap.

No, he should have just opened the damn letter he got in the first place so he wouldn't be out here with poison running through his blood.

Or maybe he should have gone through with his plan to board the next plane back to London last night instead of persuading himself out of it after all his bags were packed.

Point was, he was here, and he was royally fucked. Unfortunately, this wasn't something he could blame on Edward, no matter how much he wanted to blame someone other than himself. He's the one that forgot his training and took food from an enemy, not Edward nor Bella or even bloody Draco. "Alright." Harry said through a shaky voice, running his hand through his hair out of a nervous habit he had thought he cured himself of months ago. "Ask away."

The dwarf nodded and sat back up straight. "I want to know who you are, exactly the trouble you're in, and how you knew to come to me for help. And remember, one lie and this here is gone." She held up the bottle again and Harry couldn't help but glare. He wondered if he could use a wandless Wingardium Leviosa on the bottle but figured the moment she sensed a lick of magic she'd destroy the antidote. Though if he recalled correctly, dwarves weren't particularly sensitive to magic unless it was classified under earth or metal magic so since Wingardium Leviosa was surely not under either of those two classifications he might be able to get a hold of it. Maybe. Moody would remind him that it wasn't worth the risk about this time, if the old geezer was still alive to do so that is. And he wasn't, so Harry would have to rely on everything Mad-Eye had taught him to get through this interrogation with the least amount of damage to himself. "Time's ticking boy."

"My name is Orion Black, pureblood son of Sirius Black and Sophie Char and blood heir to the Black family fortune." This was one of the personas the Headmistress had been contemplating over giving him for his trip over here but had quickly marked it off the list after thinking it might raise some serious questions, but at the moment, it served its purpose. He was important enough to not be overlooked and definitely not to a woman who, if she was in the business of lending a helping hand like she had implied, would know of the shady business the Black family had run while still powerful among the European magical community. Plus, both alleged mother and father were dead along with most of their pureblood family members (which was made noticed in the very small list he had written earlier that morning) so there was no one to say otherwise. "I'm over here in the US through a foreign exchange program and under the name Harry Orion Evans to abate suspicion, though I see that failed." He laughed softly as if he found that funny. "I'm actually here to close a business deal with a very important client of mine but on my way to the meeting I was attacked by an unknown witch and wizard. Your delivery truck was simply my means of escaping the couple. I had no idea you would be at its destination. I do however want to know how you knew I was a stowaway, because looking over the speed in which I was caught, I have to assume that you were waiting for me."

Neither the dwarf's face nor body had moved the slightest at any piece of information he had given her. This fact further proved his theory that she was trained for war and no doubt served her time in the armed forces, but since he doubted the American army would allow what they would think was a midget into the army, he took a wild guess that she had belonged to some magical force. Maybe a spy or informant considering the tactics she had displayed. "Keep in mind Black that I am the one asking the questions, not you. But since that information is grouped in with what I plan to tell you if you accept my offer, I will let that slide."

"And what is this offer you speak of?" Harry folded his hands in his lap like any pureblood would do. Rule number one: always look and act like nothing is wrong. That meant no freaking out over the poison's fifteen-minute countdown he was given about two minutes ago. Harder said then done.

He could tell that she didn't like how he was slowly taking over the conversation but purebloods were not submissive and tended to be control freaks. Being anything different then that would raise her suspicion higher then this would raise her anger. "I offer information and a way out of my territory unharmed. You see, your two attackers are outside my building waiting for me to find you. The only reason they are not inside here themselves is because of me. They made you seem relatively important so I figured having you in my deck of cards could prove rather useful in the future."

"So basically I can either accept and be at your services until you feel I've repaid you or I can not accept and either die or be handed over to my attackers- which ever aids your plans better really." The woman nodded as if she were agreeing on a dress color. "You don't leave me much of a choice do you?"

She stretched one hand out to him in handshake, transferring the antidote over to him in the process. "I simply helped you make the right choice." Harry quickly chugged back the potion in relief. "For me that is." His eyes sharpened and turned to look her fully in the eyes as he carefully set the bottle back on the desk. This could not be good. "You see Mr. Black, you were never poisoned. The potion you have just taken has ensured that my services will be repaid equally so you may have to rethink any plans you might have been forming to skip town."

Basically what she was saying was that his earlier panic attack had been over nothing. How lovely this was all looking to be.

And yes, the last line should be read with complete sarcasm and a glare in the dwarf's general direction. Add in a rude hand gesture if you would.

"None had been formed yet so that shouldn't be a problem." Harry replied a bit coldly but it still received a grin from the other. "Now that we're, should we say business partners? I suppose so." Nodding slightly to himself to make it seem like he was simply classifying this as another meeting, he continued. "As I was saying, now that we are business partners I think it's only right that I know your name and what information you have to give me on my attackers."

"Of course." She got up to grab a file from inside a file cabinet and laid it down in front of herself. "My name is Azenet Hathor, twelfth in line to Helen's Throne," Helen's Throne meant queen of the American, Canadian, and Mexican dwarves and small goblin clans. Her palace, like it wasn't completely obvious, is in Mount Saint Helens. "And North West Regional Communication Supervisor for Area Forty-Seven of the American Magical Government."

Harry blinked slowly at the long and undoubtedly powerful title she carried. This was not just some FedEx manager who most likely had military experience he was dealing with here, but a member of dwarven royal blood line (no matter how distant) and a high ranking official of the American Magical Government. So that left one question: "How did someone of your high standings end up dealing with someone like me?" (Me as in Orion Black, shady business owner over in America through a foriegn exchange program doing his shady business in her "territory".)

She chortled dryly. "As far as I was told, the Western Sector of Area Twenty-Two only wanted you for questioning and since you've so far said nothing incriminating, I'm not doing anything that could jeopardize my job. Not being able to find a stowaway isn't a federal offense." Harry raised his eyebrow but said no more. "Now to what you really want to know." She slid the file she had gotten earlier across the desk, turned it, and then opened it so he could see the picture inside with the name Isaac Thorpe under it. The man in the picture looked tall and tan with salt and pepper, military cut hair. He was one of those people that you could spot out in a crowd from simply his presence Harry mused, seeing even from the picture that this man had power. "This is the man that runs the Western Sector of Area Twenty-Two's four man team and a few other personnel that come and go. They're in charge of foreign affairs but mostly only deal with in-country foreign diplomats and sometimes criminals if they hold any sort of political power. Thorpe ordered two of his men to tactfully detain you for questioning in hopes of getting you to confess but now that you're aware of their presence he'll slide back into the shadows and get some solid evidence on you before arresting you- not that I'm implying there's any evidence against you." A little wink accompanied her last statement.

The thing was, Harry hadn't broken any laws yet so there really was no evidence to find against him. Why did the American Magical Government think there was then? Was he being framed? No, he quickly realized, or else he'd already be arrested and probably be before a jury at this very moment. So was this just something they did with every war hero coming into the country? If they did then these Americans were ruder than the British media's cartoons of Bill Clinton.

Azenet continued on when Harry nodded. He decided it was best not to say anything until all the facts were laid out on the table. "His two agents saw you board my FedEx truck so he decided it was time to call up an old friend. You know how these things go. When he called me, I called my driver and told him to come right over, though I'm sure you thought I was his girlfriend did you not? He's a marvelous actor at the worst of times and at the best I believe he could even fool my own mwt into thinking he was me. Amazing really."

"I see…" Harry mumbled, taking a closer look at Thorpe's picture. The man seemed to have a scar running the length of his nose, Harry noticed, after squinting slightly. That'd be a good way to recognize the man if he ever met him, just in case he decided to dress up like a granny like his lackey did. Magical scars, if that's what Thorpe's was, are incredibly hard to hide. The most you could do was slightly reshape it like he had done to his own with a bit of Transfiguration. "Is there any other information I should know about?"

"You know what I know about this situation, and I will make sure to keep it that way- if you agree to one other condition that is." Of course she'd pull a trick like that. A small motion of his hand indicated for her to continue on. "To ensure my assistance is kept a secret I will need to perform the tongue-tying curse upon you so I can rest assured that there will be no, ah, slip of the tongue. Agreed?"

Harry thought about that for a moment before remembering the reason why he even came to Redmond in the first place- to mail a letter to Draco and Andromeda. Considering that he was in a delivery company run by a magical creature, he could only assume that they also included magical communication. "I need to know about your magical services here at FedEx before I agree, and if there is anything special you can do for me."

Azenet seemed to follow where he was heading since she replied, "We can deliver any letter or package in six minutes to any home address. Our privacy policies are top-notched but I can see what I can do for some added security on anything you need to send considering your circumstances. In fact, for forty dollars, I can give you a Transaction Box where you can place anything smaller then seventeen inches in width and height and we'll receive it here in two minutes. From there we'll send it to your destination."

"Drop it to thirty dollars and you have yourself a deal." After a moment of deliberation, Azenet agreed and placed the spell on him, specified only to the information passed between them. Harry then handed her thirty dollars and two quickly written messages to both Andromeda and Draco simply asking 'Yours?' since if it were either of theirs they would understand right away what he was talking about. Plus, that way even if Azenet read it she wouldn't get any information out of him from that. She handed back the shrunken Transaction Box that he placed in his pocket. "Now Ms. Hathor, I do believe I need to escape."

She nodded and stood, motioning for him to follow with a crooked finger gesture. They walked over to the picture above the loveseat and with a mumbled password from Azenet the people inside the diamond started to untwist and melt into quicksilver. In this liquid state, the people dripped out of the painting and left an empty diamond with a hole large enough for a person to crawl through. She turned to him and smiled. "It was a pleasure doing business with you Mr. Black. May steal meld into a better future for you." Then bobbed her head in a nod of respect towards him, and he copied it simply because he didn't know what else to do in this kind of situation. He figured there was some formal dwarven phrase to reply to what she had said but he'd trained for Voldemort, not royal dwarfs trying to manipulate him. So all he said was a short, formal wizard good-bye and crawled into the hole.

"You'll be in Mushroom Kingdom once through Mr. Black! Take the Router anywhere!" Azenet yelled right before he seemed to go through a sort of magical veil and then ended up crawling out of a hole in the floor covered by an empty crate. Harry pushed up against the top lid and found himself in a storage room for alcohol so he guessed from the storage and the noise outside the door that he was in the backroom of a pub. Once outside he realized that he was and from there found out that he was in the magical sector of Redmond that was of course called Mushroom Kingdom. (He learned that everything in the magical sector was based on Nintendo, from the colorful mushroom houses to names of the shops and streets. There was even a supposed secret entrance to the corporate building Harry had heard in the pub about ten times after saying he was new around here. Note to remember: never admit you're a stranger in any tourist towns. They're like hounds on meat. Geezers on free poker night. Children and boogers. You get the point.)

After doing some quick shopping (in which he was constantly looking over his shoulder for enemies) he had a new but awkward wand and a few new warding, spell, and magical creature books along with some other assorted items that claimed to protect him against vampires. He really didn't believe in any of the mumbo jumbo stuff they were selling but he figured one of these items had to at least make Edward stay away for a day or two so he could get his thoughts straight and today obviously didn't count for straitening out thoughts. Not only did he have more information running madly through his head in a jumbled mess of words than he ever had in all his time at Hogwarts, but he had to worry about the government, Draco, and the letter still in his bedroom. There was no room to worry about blood sucker Edward, his romantic ploy to get more information out of Harry (if that really what it was, and it wasn't, but Harry's a bit dense concerning these things) or result of said ploy that had Harry squirming every time he thought about said bloke. (He had blamed the stomach virus that was running around his muggle school at first- actually he tried to say it was the virus up until a few hours later when he had yet to throw up but even then he refused to blame the obvious answer.)

Harry boarded the Router, a magical train-like vehicle hooked up to every town in America except for those in Hawaii and Alaska, after cursing Edward's name in the local wand crafter's mushroom. On there he thought back to those bags still partly packed in his bedroom that he had thrown together after planning to go back to Hogwarts last night and end this crazy chapter of his life. It would solve most of his problems he figured, except for his new debt to Azenet Hathor but he could come when called and then go straight back to his (no where near) peaceful life with Hermione, Ron, and the rest of the Weasleys. And it really wasn't like he had wanted to go to a muggle school in the first place. He had cursed at the teacher when he had found out if he remembered correctly, so why then did a similar squirming feeling to the one he got when he thought about Edward overcome him every time he started thinking about leaving? Harry didn't know what to think of this so he didn't; he just told himself that once he found his wand he was gone. Hopefully one of his new books would help with his last problem.

A little bit later, as it was inching towards seven o'clock, he had to look for Bella and Jessica in town because he highly doubted they would have left without him. And they hadn't, but they had run into a bit of trouble with a group of guys in the back alleys. Though luckily for them, Superman had come to their rescue. Well that's how they now both perceived Edward. This knowledge had put Harry even further on the alert, but relaxed slightly when they said Edward left immediately after finding out Harry wasn't with them. That at least assured Harry that Edward was only interested in him like the vampire had told him no matter how disastrous that should be.

Then, after a long and awkward ride full of giggling girls that thought he had gotten contacts to impress a girl (one girl in particular actually- Helen Wilkins), he lugged his things to his room and instantly changed his hair and eye color back to normal. Luckily he had remembered to put his cap back on to cover his hair before they noticed that too, but he did wonder when he had dropped his sunglasses.

Soon after that he went straight to the books to look for spells he could use to find his original wand so he'd be better armed when the American magical government came back, because like all governments, they would come back and they would bring reinforcements. As he came upon another spell only useful if you were a hairdresser for goblins he heard a soft ding coming from the still shrunken box in his pocket. He instantly got it out and turned it back to its normal size (though he noticed a slight delay in the spell's detonation time that was obviously due to the Satyr hair core in his new wand) to see why it made that noise. On the box it had the number one shinning with the word 'Unread' next to it, so he inferred that he had gotten a response from either Draco of Andromeda. He was right, it was from Andromeda.

Teddy misses you.

That was it but that said all Andromeda needed to say. First off, it told Harry who the sender was but it also told him that she understood that he was in trouble (he did use a half assed version of secret code after all) and wanted him to come home immediately. Though that meant that she also wasn't the sender of the mysterious letter.

The letter!

Harry sprung up from his bed and ran to the empty windowsill, looking down at the spot where he had left the letter laying before he had gone to Redmond. It had completely passed him to make sure the letter was still where he had left it, but that could be blamed on how worn out he was from using so much wandless magic in one day. Still, this ranked pretty high on his stupidity meter; probably falling just below eating Azenet's sandwich and sending the PECT list to Draco. Now the question was, who broke into his room and took it?

And as if Irony needed to make sure it showed itself a few more times in the story of Harry Potter's life, the number one popped back onto the Transaction Box to tell him he had received another letter. He turned and stared, hoping that maybe the mysterious letter had just resent itself to him. As crazy as that idea was, he was sorely depressed when he saw that it hadn't. On the new letter it read:

The stupidity of Gryffindors never ceases to amaze me.

That was Draco's way of saying that yes, the very important letter that was now missing in action was in fact from him.

And now you understand the true meaning of 'Royally Fucked'.

Unfortunately, now Harry does too.

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Notes-

Azenet Hathor- Both are Ancient Egyptian names though I only know that Azenet means Follower of Neith.
Mwt- This is how you pronounce mother is Egyptian, and since they spell it in hieroglyphics, I had no choice but to write it like that
Redmond- This is where Nintendo's American headquarters is so I decided to pull the company's magical elements into the magical sectors of Redmond and that's where I got names such as Mushroom Kingdom. Not original per say but I figured it's something wizard's would do.
Bill Clinton- I don't know if I mentioned this before or not but this story follows the Harry Potter timeline so when Harry's eighteen, Bill Clinton would still be President of the United States. Twilight's timeline is pushed back a few years to match to Harry's timeline basically.

So I didn't think the American government would also use names like "Department of Mysteries" and when I thought of the famous Area Fifty-One I had one of those light bulb moments. Actually, it was more of BAM! But really, the fact is I want to know what you think of it. Include what you think about the government being behind it too because I know I caught a few of you by surprise! Then there are those others that guessed it right off the bat and I wanted to strangle you because I thought I was so cool with coming up with this twist. Thanks for bursting my bubble you monkeys!

Oh and sorry there was no Edward in the chapter but I really wanted the focus to be on Azenet and the government. Also I thought I could use the opportunity to explain Harry's feelings for Edward a little more since he'd no doubt be constantly thinking of the newly discovered vampire.

And just to make you readers go insane, I'd like to say that there is a few words in one sentence that gives a HUGE clue to one of the main plots in my story. They're quite obvious if you know what you're looking for but since most of you don't, another heart attack is in store for you in the coming chapters! Isn't that a fun thing to look forward to?

Please review!