Disclaimer:

I don't own any of the characters.

Author's Note:

Crack, TWT.

I really don't know anymore.

My brain disappeared towards the end of this. So sorry.

I decided to start writing this on Monday or Tuesday..so it was really rushed. My brain is so DEEEAAD.

P.S.

ILU RIE! I'm sorry I forgot to mention you even though I stole your plot bunny.

------

On Monday morning, Lieutenant Hawkeye arrived at work, on time as always. Someone had to, and she took quite the pride in picking up her phone and calling up the General once it hit 6:01 AM. Some would call her crazy, but making sure General Roy Mustang was on time was just one of her many daily duties. If she didn't, who would?

Lifting a hand, her slender fingers curled around the cold door knob before turning it and pushing the door open that lead into the General's office. Anyone else would have knocked, but if she knocked it would only give the lazy man time to pull out a pen and appear as though he was signing the paperwork that she had left on his desk for him. If anyone else tried such an act, they would have surely found themselves charred or something to effect. Hawkeye was the only one who could get away with such an informal greeting to a superior officer.

Something had given Hawkeye the feeling that the General would not be in today. Perhaps she had a sort of intuition about these things after knowing him for so long? As she peered into the office, she found it completely empty. It looked as though the General hadn't been in at all that day, but the fact that the door had been unlocked told her otherwise, along with the bright yellow post-it-note that was in the center of the large oak desk.

Where had it come from? More importantly, what was on it?

Most would have turned away right then, left the note due to the fact that it was on the General's desk and therefore 'off limits'. The truth of the matter was that Mustang had little to no personal life, and had long given up on trying to hide anything of importance from his loyal team. Thankfully anything they discovered stayed between them and didn't spread through the military.

Hawkeye wasted no time, and stepped into the quiet office to inspect the little yellow note on the Generals desk. She even took the liberty to sit down in his cozy chair before reaching out and picking up the note.

Why not make herself comfortable? Something told her that the note on the desk was going to explain why the General wasn't here.

Sorry, but for the safety of myself and everyone else I will be taking the week off. See ya!

Don't let Fullmetal destroy my office.

Roy

A soft sigh escaped Hawkeye's lips as she placed down the note, and then reached to the phone that was on the corner of the large desk.

Mustang had some explaining to do.

"Hello?" A smooth voice answered after a few rings.

"Sir, what is the meaning of this?"

"Look at the calendar, Lieutenant." A click sounded on the other end as the General hung up, as though his words had given Hawkeye a full explanation for his absence.

Hawkeye turned her attention towards the calendar on the desk, falling silent as she looked at the dates of the week. Today was the 9th of February..which meant..

Saturday was Valentine's Day.

Chuckling, Hawkeye lifted herself from the comfortable chair and set the receiver of the phone back in place. Then she walked around the side of the desk and back out towards the doors.

The General was definitely going to have a long week ahead of him.

So was she, for that matter. Now she had to find someone to sign all of the papers on the Generals desk, and like hell was it going to be her.

She needed to find Havoc. He had already played Mustang's role once before!

------

About an hour later, a certain blond haired alchemist finally was making his way into work. Getting up early was definitely not a favorite thing of his, and it was all too often that he came in later than usual.

Normally Roy called at least five minutes before he was supposed to show up at work, to assure that the blond was up and out of the house already. That's not to say that Ed ever answered that call, but who the hell else would be calling him at 5:55 in the morning? Nobody else was that daring.

But when he never received that call, the little genius decided to take full advantage of it. Ed figured that Roy was probably sick with a hangover, after all, it was Monday morning and it was known that the General was quite a social drinker, especially on the weekends. Ed really had to wonder how the old man partied all weekend and then showed up at work on Monday.

Perhaps it had finally taken its toll on him!

After an hour though, Ed had gotten tired of staring intently at the phone that never rang. Why hadn't anyone called wondering where he was?! Didn't they need him? Want him around to piss off the General and entertain the public?!

Ed could hear Mustang's voice in his head, smooth and cocky while spewing spouting out short jokes about how they wouldn't even notice he wasn't there because he's so short.

The blond began ranting the very moment after shoving the office doors open and stepped foot inside, "Why haven't you called me in yet, Mustang?! Oh wait, here, I'll spare you on the short jokes!" Pausing briefly, he inhaled and then with a lowered imitation of a suave Roy, he continued on. "Oh, Fullmetal, you're just so short that I didn't notice you weren't here yet!"

"E-Edward?"

That voice was definitely not Mustang's.

No, in fact, it was actually one of Mustang's subordinates, Havoc. His eyes were widened, obviously stunned by the blond that had just barged in and screamed at him.

"Oh..whoops! Sorry, Havoc! Where's Mustang so I can yell at him?"

Havoc grinned, pulling the pen out of his mouth that he had been chewing on the end of, "Took a vacation for the week. You'll have to keep all those rants to yourself till next week, and then you can yell at him all you like."

"Like hell I will! I'll show up at his house and yell at him! That bastard! Why's he taking a week off!?"

Havoc rose from the chair, quickly walking over and grabbing the other blond by the hood of the bright red jacket he wore, making Ed's attempt to storm out to find Roy a complete failure. "Well lets just say he's having some lady issues.."

It was a poor choice in words on Havoc's part, and the shorter blond lurched forward in another attempt to go break down Mustang's front door. "I'LL KILL THAT BASTARD!"

Naturally he had assumed the worst of the General, and had gone back to his old womanizing habits.

"Woah woah, shrimp! It's not like th—"

"WHO YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT MUSTANG CAN'T TELL HE EXISTS ANYMORE SO HE WENT TO GO F—"

A smack to the head quickly stopped the temperamental alchemist mid-short rant.

"Oh! Before I forget! Lieutenant Hawkeye wanted me to let you know once you got here that your job for the week is to sign all of the General's paperwork." The older man almost sing-songed the announcement, as if he had been relieved of the job by some sort of miracle.

"Wait, WHAT? But why can't you?! You were just doing it before I got here!" Ed protested, narrowing gold eyes at Havoc. There was no way that he was going to shrug off his work onto him! Ed was not going to sit around all day and sign papers that Mustang should have been doing!

But no, the all mighty Flame Alchemist was away for a week, probably hiding under his bed at home shivering like a scared puppy.

And Ed found himself led to the leather chair while a pen was slipped between automail fingers. A pat on the head, like he was some kind of puppy too, and Havoc almost literally skipped out of the office.

"Bye Ed, have fun!"

Oh, hell no! Edward was not going to tolerate being pushed around by other members of the military. The only one he listened to..wait..no, actually, he never listened to a thing Mustang said either. Glancing over at the clock on the desk, he idly began tapping the desk with the pen that he held loosely inbetween his fingers. As soon as a good five to ten minutes had passed, Edward could put his plan into action.

Meanwhile he had to amuse himself, and what better way than to dig through the desk of his most beloved General! Dropping the pen, his hand slid across the desk and to the first drawer on the right hand side. Tugging it open, he found it was full of random shit, but nothing out of the ordinary really. There was a bunch of pens, pencils, extra staples, some sharpies and a bunch of other regular ol' office like things, including some glue. Ed continues to dig through it, pulling most of it out and organizing it all on the desk as he went.

Before he knew it, he had a whole pile of pens on the far left side of the desk, and a pile of sharpies on the right side, and a bunch of packets of staples in the middle.

Oh this was going to be fun.

A devious smirk formed on the young blond's lips as he started gluing the staples together. It didn't even bother him that a lot of the gooey liquid was dripping onto the desk, and that the little sculpture he was making would more than likely be glued onto the desk as well because of it. Piece by piece he glued, being careful to the details of the structure to make sure it resembled what it was meant to: the Eiffel tower. Sure, he could have just done with a little clap of the hands, but Ed had time to kill.

Lots of time.

"AHA! Success!" He finally exclaimed, after nearly two hours of working on the staple masterpiece. Leaning back in his chair and folding his arms behind his head, Edward took a moment to admire the project he had finally finished. While it did look a bit messy, he was sure anyone that knew what the Eiffel Tower was would recognize it.

Oh, right, nobody would know that except Alphonse, who wasn't even living in Central anymore. He was off living with Winry.

A small yawn suddenly escaped Ed, though he made no move to even bother covering it. It wasn't like anyone was around to yell at him about it anyways. That damned clock off to the side of the desk only read 9:30, as if rubbing it in his face that he had only been here for two hours and thirty minutes. The annoying thing only reminded him of how many more long hours he had left till he could go home, and Ed wasn't in the mood to have any of such a reminder. Reaching over, he laid his fingers on top of the clock and gave it a shove. The metal clock promptly fell off of the desk and landed on the wooden floor with a 'thunk' and some odd jingling noises.

Leaning over in the chair, Ed blinked lazily at the object and wondered if it had broken from the fall. The fact that the glass was broken and some pieces had broken off allowed him to safely assume that it had broken. Still, he couldn't bring himself to even give a rats ass about breaking something that wasn't his. He'd fix it Sunday before Roy came back to work. No, actually, Ed decided he wouldn't that way he'd have something to look forward to on Monday.

Pushing the wheeled chair back and standing, Ed stomped his way over to the double doors of the office. Gently pushing them open, he poked his head out just enough to look for a certain blond female. It took less than a second for him to spy Lieutenant Hawkeye, who was headed right in his direction. More than likely she was probably on her way to check on him and make sure he was staying on task.

"Ah, Lieutenant! Can you make sure nobody disturbs me? I'm hard at work."

Pausing, Hawkeye blinked before the corners of her lips twitched upward into a small smile. "Of course, Sir."

Returning the smile, Ed nodded at her and ducked back inside the office, locking the doors behind him just as an extra precaution. Then he sauntered over to the couch that was off to the side of the office and proceeded to flop down onto it. Hard work had never killed anyone, but why take the chances? Reaching behind his head, he grabbed one of the pillows and pulled it closer, then dropped his head onto it with a content sigh.

It was time for a well deserved nap.

------

Meanwhile in Central, Roy was on the verge of digging his fingers into his hair and tugging at the silky black hair out of pure irritation. He knew a lot, nobody would challenge his knowledge, but when it came to figuring out what to get his favorite little blond for Valentine's Day, Roy couldn't help but find himself at a complete and utter loss.

Things were never simple when it came to Ed. No matter what it was.

Had it been some random girl, he was sure of what he would have gotten them. Some flowers, chocolates, and surprised her with a romantic date at one of the most high class expensive restaurants in Central. Too bad for him that his choices were limited due to the sort of hidden relationship that him and Ed shared at the moment. The only ones that knew were his subordinates, Riza and the group, as well as Al, Winry, Pinako and Gracia. Roy was positive that if he was out on Valentine's Day with Ed at a fancy restaurant that rumors would fly and cause them both a great deal of trouble.

That was the last thing either of them needed right now.

After getting some much deserved sleep after hanging up on Hawkeye, Roy had decided to start making plans for Saturday. The sly bastard had only half lied though, because he was sure that some girls would be appearing on his doorstep sooner or later. At least one, if not a handful would stop him in public to ask him out. Years of experience had him well expected for this. What the girls all didn't know was that Roy was off the market, and so he'd have to still put up with it, unfortunately. He would have to come up with lies to feed all the girls he encountered, but that was just another thing he had a lot of experience in by now.

Now finding himself inspecting a colorful arrangement of flowers. "If I bought these I'd be eating automail for dinner.." Roy mumbled softly. The very thought was enough to cause him to turn and leave the flowers, deciding that there were things much more appealing to eat for dinner than automail.

Just as he began walking away, a girl suddenly slid right into his pathway, causing him to stop walking. Well, that wasn't unexpected. A slender eyebrow rose as Roy waited for the girl to speak up.

"Can I help you with something?" The short redhaired girl asked, head tilted to the side and a bright friendly smile on her lips. She appeared to only want to help him make a decision, but Roy knew better than that. There had to be some sort of hidden intent behind it! Or perhaps he was just that paranoid because of the holiday that was approaching.

With a smile, Roy shook his head at the question, "Oh, no. I was just looking. I'm fine." Perhaps she'd accept the answer and move on now that he had told her he didn't need help? One could only hope.

Too bad the girl was persistent. Like most, if not all women.

"Are you looking for anything in particular? Maybe I can help! What's she like?"

Roy sighed, shaking his head at the girl. "She doesn't like flowers." Could this girl take a hint?

"But everyone likes flowers!"

Shit. How was he going to talk his way out of this one?

The girl wasn't done being relentless either, as she took hold of Roy's arm and pulled him off to the side to show off some of the flowers that surrounded them. "See, see! These ones are really pretty. Traditional flowers for Valentine's. Everyone gets roses! They're sexy!" The girl happily chimed, glancing over and innocently smiling at the man whose arm she still had in her evil clutches. "Kind of like you!"

One upon a time, Roy would have enjoyed that fawning. Now that he had Ed in his life though, such things were out of the question. In fact, Roy found his head whipping around and looking to make sure that the blond wasn't anywhere close by. The very image of Ed wandering onto the scene scared the hell out of him. There was no doubt in his mind that the short alchemist would have thought the worst and proceeded to beat the shit out of Roy while screaming at the top of his lungs. Roy concluded that Edward wouldn't be satisfied with that, though, and he'd continue to make his life a living hell for as long as possible.

Edward never listened to him. There'd be almost no way of talking his way out of it if Ed caught him here with a girl latched onto his arm, batting her eyelashes and hitting on him. While he wasn't flirting back, he hadn't done anything to put a stop to it just yet. Roy was going to fix that now, while he still could.

With a shudder, Roy reached over and gently tugged at the girls fingers until they slackened and the girl finally let go. Then he pointed a gloved finger at the roses, "I'll take a dozen."

"I knew you'd like them!" The girl happily exclaimed, and then began collect the roses and bundle them together.

A sigh escaped Roy, silently thankful that she had taken the bait and was done flirting with him. While he waited he glanced around, looking at all the different flowers that were on display. Personally he found nothing interesting about them; after all, they were just plants. No, Roy wouldn't dare give those roses to Ed. He'd just have to find something to do with them later.

The girl had reappeared, and was shoving a bundle of roses into his awaiting arms. She flashed him yet another flirty smile, "It's on me!"

Roy wanted to slam his head into the nearest wall, but settled for giving the girl a forced smile. "Thank you." With a small wave of his hand, he began walking away while bidding the female goodbye, "Take care."

Waving back, the girl hollered at the older man as he walked off, "You too! Good luck getting laid!"

There was a snort, and a mumbled 'Thanks I'll need it' before Roy was out of sight, deciding it was best to return home before he ran into anymore trouble, whether it was female or Ed himself. That and he had to figure out what to do with the roses. There was also the matter of figuring out his plans for Saturday still. All in all, he had accomplished absolutely nothing today.

Great.