Disclaimer: Yes, I do own Twilight. I also own Harry Potter, the known universe, and my cat. NO, people, I don't own Twilight! Or Harry Potter. Or my cat (honestly, who really owns any cat?). I do own the known universe, however.

Chapter 3

In Which There Is A One.

.

As Spencer, TDIB, and Faith walked down the corridor, talking in hushed voices about the assembly, they were joined by James, the boy from earlier, and two more girls with the lit sparks of full insanity in their eyes. "Chimichanga," one girl introduced herself. "I'm Edward's True Love."

"That's nice," said Spencer, who was beginning to get used to this kind of thing. "Where's your room?"

Chimichanga produced a slip of paper from her pocket. "It says here Huckleberry Finn," she said doubtfully. "What in the name of Edward Anthony Mason Cullen is that?"

"I don't know," Spencer said, pulling out her schedule. "Hey, that's my room, too!"

"Roommates!" yelled Chimichanga, punching Spencer on the arm. Spencer winced. "You will have a wonderful time with you! I mean me! You will have a wonderful time with me! Not the other way around! I think."

"Huckleberry Finn," Faith interrupted into Chimi's confused monologue, "is a famous character from the classic The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain, a.k.a. Samuel Clements. Huck Finn went on a famous rafting trip down the mighty Mississippi. Other notable characters in the book are Jim, a slave, and Tom Sawyer."

"Rafting," James said. "That sounds interAAAH!"

He emerged from behind a door in the hall, trembling. "Was that… Alice?"

"That was your imagination," Faith said kindly. "Do you have a… thing… about Alice?"

"No," said James firmly, his eyes darting from side to side. "I care not about Alice Cullen whatsoever. She means nothing to me. Nothing."

"So, who're you?" Spencer asked the other girl, who had as of yet said nothing.

"TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes," she replied. "James's wife."

There was an awkward silence.

"Did you see… Him… up on that stage?" TDIB said, apparently coming out of deep thought.

"Who?" Spencer asked.

"I know," Chimi said dreamily. "So… hot."

"Embry?" asked Faith.

TDIB and Chimi gave her a Look. "Riiiight."

"This is my room," James said, stopping. "It says here that I'm staying in a room called Piggy."

They looked up and down the corridor. The two rooms next to Piggy were called Roger and Jack.

"Lord of the Flies," Faith said briskly. "A plane full of boys is stranded on an island. The author was attempting to illustrate the basic savagery of man. I'm definitely not going to tell you what happened to Piggy."

James looked sick.

The five continued down the corridor, chatting amicably. "How do you know all these things about books and things?" GoldenEyes asked Faith, a tone of awe creeping into her voice.

"I read," Faith said, smiling. "Books. You may have heard of them."

"Those things by Stephenie Meyer?" GoldenEyes asked.

Faith just rolled her eyes.

"My room is called… Dill," TDIB said, peering at her schedule. "Any ideas, reader girl?"

Faith chewed her lip. "Probably the Dill from To Kill a Mockingbird, longtime fiancé of Scout Finch and obsessed with the elusive Boo Radley. One of the best characters I've read. You should feel lucky to have it. To Kill a Mockingbird is one of the greatest books in American literature, in my opinion."

"Australian, mate," shrugged TDIB.

"Hey, I've got Dill too!" chirped GoldenEyes. "How about you?"

"I have… Atticus Finch…" murmured Faith, looking at her schedule. "I have… Atticus Finch? I have Atticus Finch? Oh my EMBRY!"

She stumbled, crashing to the floor. "Oh my. I have Atticus."

"Who in the name of Jacob Black is Atticus?" asked Spencer.

The rest, as one, shrugged.

"We're here," Chimi spoke up. Indeed, the door they had arrived at read Huckleberry Finn.

She and Spencer looked at one another as GoldenEyes and TDIB carried the fainting Faith away. "You open the door first," Chimi said warily.

"Okay," said Spencer, bewildered. Chimi ran away and hid around a corner. Looking after her suspiciously, Spencer opened the door.

She entered the room, still looking down the corridor, and bumped into a bed. She yawned, squeezing her eyes shut tight. She was tired…

"Look, they told me attack when you see the whites of their eyes," said an annoyed voice. "How in the name of canon am I supposed to attack if you keep doing that not-letting-me-see-your-eyes thing?"

The deep inbred instinct known as Survival, evidently present even in fangirls, told Spencer to keep her eyes shut tight. "Who… are you?" she asked.

"Twi-One-4758," said the voice, sounding sulky. "I'm a One. You know, when you go 'omg!!1!!1111!' That makes a One. If you do that in Twilight, it makes a Twi-One. I'm Twi-One-4758. They told me to attack you."

"Twy-14758?" asked Spencer, her eyes still closed.

"No," Twi-One-4758 said. "Twi-One-4758. There's a difference."

"You must be a very early Twi-One, to be only 4758," Spencer said. Distract it, Survival said behind her eyes. Flatter it. Maybe you can get it to go away.

"Oh, very early," Twi-One-4758 said, sounding like it was cheering up. "One of your kind wrote 'omg jacobs teh best!!1111111'. I'm the third one of that row. I still talk with my brothers sometimes."

"Oh? Six of them, are there?" asked Spencer.

"Yes," Twi-One-4758 said happily. "Twi-One-4756, Twi-One-4757, Twi-One-4759-"

"I think I'm starting to get the idea," Spencer said hastily. "Ya know, I've got a roommate."

"Are her eyes open?" asked Twi-One-4758 suspiciously.

"Very," Spencer assured it. "Look, Twi-One-thingy-"

"Twi-One-4758," said Twi-One-4758.

Spencer smiled nervously. "I think I'll just call you, um, Bob. Yes. Bob is good. I like Bob."

"No one's ever given me a nickname before," Bob said, and from the sound of its voice, its eyes were swelling with tears. "No one ever cared." The tears dissolved into outright sobbing. "You're the first person I've ever met who didn't call me Twi-One-4758…"

"That's very nice, Bob," Spencer said. "Does that mean I can open my eyes?"

"Yes!" Bob said happily. "If you open your eyes, I can attack you like I'm supposed to!"

"Bob, I'll make you a deal," sighed Spencer. "If you promise not to attack me, ever, then I promise to… to… um…"

"You can just owe me a promise," said Bob. "Then I can collect later."

"Sure," said Spencer, being willing to agree to just about anything at this point. She stuck out a hand.

Bob paused. "What's that for?"

"You shake it," Spencer said. "I'm not… really… sure why."

"Ah!" said Bob brightly. "This must be a human custom, derived from the practice of touching the weapon hand to show that you are not drawing your weapon!" Spencer felt her hand shook by something that felt suspiciously like Turkish Delight.

"Now go after my roommate," she said. "Her name is Chimi and she doesn't even blink."

There was a small shuffling noise. Cautiously, Spencer opened her eyes.

The room was empty. There was a small, suspicious, bright purple stain on the floor.

She sighed, settling on one of the two beds in the room. She now owed an unknown promise to a creature made of a fangirl's insanity. Her room was named after some character in a book—a book that wasn't even Twilight!—who apparently took a rafting trip. This school was full of murderous Volvos, fictional characters, and people who read things.

It was funny, but she was starting to like it already.