So, yeah. This is massively crack-ish and OOC. Deal with it.

Also, this has been rewritten as of January 28, 2015. I originally posted this back in 2009, and my writing style has changed so dramatically that I couldn't leave this like it was.

And, also, yeah. Don't tell me this is unrealistic. I know it is. It's purely crack. Like I said. And the title is a shameless pun on "A Nightmare on Elm Street." So deal with that, too.

Yep.

:D

Please read and review!

[TWO YEARS EARLIER]

"SHIZUNE!"

A woman with short, dark hair sprinted into the Hokage's office, pausing only to stare momentarily at the "guests" standing before her mentor. She'd known they were there, of course — she'd let them in herself — but it didn't stop her from gawking every time she laid eyes on them. It was all just so unreal.

She'd even pinched herself twelve times to make sure she wasn't dreaming.

"Yes, Tsunade-sama?" she gasped out, panting from her mad dash. Knowing that these people were alone with the Hokage had, understandably, set her a little on edge.

"Get me Sakura," the blond-haired woman ordered.

"Yes ma'am." With a flash of her hands, she disappeared in a cloud of white smoke.

.

"Sakura! Sakura!"

Said pink-haired ANBU captain looked up at the sound of her name.

"Hey, Shizune-nee," Sakura greeted. "Something wrong?"

"Tsunade-sama wants you," she replied. "It's important. And whatever you do, don't scream."

.

"How do we know—"

Tsunade was cut off as a swirl of leaves appeared.

"Ah," she mumbled. "There you are, Sakura."

Sakura bowed politely, eyebrows just slightly raised and curious smile in place. "Shizune-nee said you needed me?"

"Ah, yes," Tsunade grunted, clearly uncomfortable. "I'd like you to meet our…new guests." She gestured to the other side of the room, and Sakura turned.

Her first reaction was to freeze. Inner Sakura's first reaction was to scream.

HOLY MOTHER FUCKER!

The Akatsuki.

There in the flesh.

Standing in the Hokage's office.

Sakura could only stare in shocked silence, her left eye caught in mid-twitch, while Inner Sakura ranted and raved with a number of creative curses that she hadn't known existed. Had it been any other time, Tsunade would have laughed at her apprentice's expression — but, as it were, she was decidedly Not Amused with this situation.

"You see my problem," Tsunade deadpanned.

Another tense moment passed before Sakura pulled herself together and leveled the infamous criminals with a deadly glower. "Do you want me to get rid of them?"

For their part, most of the Akatsuki looked pretty ticked that she'd insinuated she could take them. Sasori was already rather pissed off — killing someone tended to earn you a special spot on their Hit List. Deidara and that guy with the silver hair who liked to stab himself were supremely offended by her words. And, to be fair, that had a right to be; no matter how volatile her temper, Sakura didn't stand a chance against all of them by herself. Kisame was amused as hell at her spirit, and Itachi didn't look as if he gave a shit either way. That other freak whose name she could never remember was eyeing her critically, trying to determine how much money he'd get for bringing her corpse to the bounty station. Tobi cringed and ducked behind Deidara, which only irritated the latter even more, and Zetsu was too busy mentally diving her body into edible and non-edible to pay attention to what she said.

Sakura could only presume that the other two Akatsuki members were the leaders since she'd never seen their faces before.

"Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to say 'yes'…" The Hokage trailed off, sighing. "They have a...proposition for us."

Sakura whipped around and gaped at her. Inner Sakura was roaring for a chance to tear into them.

"What?!" she demanded. "A proposition? They want to make a deal with us? Who the hell do they think we are — Kumo?!"

"I know," Tsunade agreed dryly.

Hundreds of miles away, the Raikage sneezed.

"And what am I doing here?" Sakura continued furiously. Her eyes narrowed at the sheepish look creeping across Tsunade's face. "How exactly does this relate to me?"

"Ah, well, you see..." The blond laughed nervously, fluttering a hand at the Akatsuki. "You explain."

The Akatsuki leader, Pein, cleared his throat before speaking.

"The Akatsuki was recently attacked," he stated without so much as blinking. "Kumo, Iwa, Mizu, and Kusa sent countless ANBU and Hunter-nin to take us down. Our base was destroyed, but we have no casualties. We have come to offer our services to Konoha, and, in return, all we ask for is shelter and protection."

"And after much thought, I have agreed," Tsunade finished.

Sakura erupted with the force of a volcano. "Are you insane?!"

"Sakura, we need them," the Hokage said calmly, trying not wince at the volume of her apprentice's yell so as not to reveal her hangover. "They may be S-class criminals, but the fact is that it would be better to have them with us rather than against us. Now, I know you may hold a grudge against Itachi for what he did to Sas—"

"I don't give a damn about that," Sakura interrupted. "Sasuke can go rot in hell for all I care. My point is, if Kumo, Iwa, Mizu, and Kusa attacked the Akatsuki, don't you think they'll come here and attack us, too?"

"We currently have Suna, Yuki, Yu, Taki, Hoshi, and Getsu on our side, so we have nothing to worry about."

"And if they turn on us?"

"Where the hell would they run if they did? Half the world is after them, and the other half would be after them for revenge if they attacked us."

"And Naruto?" Sakura bit out, shooting the Akatsuki a vicious glare. If looks could kill…

"We've already come to understanding about him," Tsunade assured her, perfectly composed and collected. "Should they so much as touch him without his permission, I'll string them up by their entrails on the phone lines."

"I'm more inclined to beat them to death with their own femurs."

"Creative. I like that."

"And much more satisfying. Why cut someone when you could beat them to death? I find it a better method to relieve my anger."

"Very true. There's nothing quite like grabbing someone by the back of their neck and slamming their face into a concrete wall until their skull explodes."

"And stomping on the corpse for good measure."

"Obviously. Why the hell do you think I wear heels?"

"Boots are better. More crushing power." Sufficiently pleased with their conversation — describing bloody demise always put her in a lighter mood — she eyed the Akatsuki. They were all staring at her with varying degrees of shock and wary, except for the Jashinist. He was looking rather excited. Sakura frowned. "I suppose it couldn't be too bad to have them here as long as they understand that we're not gonna take any shit from them." She cut a sharp glance at Tsunade. "So, what're we going to do with them? We can't just let them stay anywhere they feel like; the village would go into a panic."

Tsunade beamed. "Well, Sakura, I'm glad you feel that way. Because, actually, you will be taking them in."

The Akatsuki thought they'd seen her angry before. But, with this, they realized that they hadn't known what anger was.

"WHAT?!"

.

.

.

[PRESENT DAY]

"Hidan? Hidan!"

"What?" came an annoyed voice from the kitchen.

"Hurry up!" Sakura called.

"Yeah, yeah."

Sakura crossed her arms and sighed. A few minutes later, Hidan came walking out of the kitchen and into the living room, his smirk intact. His face wasn't moving. It was like that smirk was glued to his face. He didn't even blink.

"You okay?" Sakura asked in confusion.

He lifted up his hands slowly — then suddenly ripped his head off. Sakura let out a startled scream and covered her mouth in shock. Hidan's real head popped up from inside his cloak, and he proceeded to laugh his ass off at her. Sakura blinked, stunned, before scowling at him.

"UGH! You jerk!" she yelled. The punch to the face that accompanied this outburst would have killed anyone else. Hidan, though, just laughed and rubbed his shattered jaw.

Sakura grumbled, face red, and crossed her arms tightly over her chest. When he tried to talk and failed spectacularly, she pieced his jaw back together with a handful of healing chakra, but her glare remained intact. "Dick."

"Hey, come on," he murmured, tilting her face up with his thumb. "Don't be mad."

He gave her a light kiss, and she sighed.

"Next time, I'll take your head off for real," she spat. Hidan chuckled, shooting her a cocky smirk. "Anyways, where's the others?"

"Like I know," he retorted. "I'm not their damn baby-sitter." Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Well, find them," she insisted. "And hurry up."

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, walking away. Sakura sighed again.

Asshole.

Yeah, but he's our asshole.

True.

.

To get back into the mood of Halloween, Sakura took it upon herself to decorate her yard and house. She didn't give a shit that none of it was particularly scary; if anyone had a problem with it, they could say it to her fist. She was just stepping back to admire her work when she sensed a number of familiar presences approaching.

"Here."

She looked up to see Hidan standing there, along with the rest of the Akatsuki.

"Jeez," Sakura muttered. "Where were they? It took you over two hours to find them."

"This genius—" He jerked his thumb at Tobi. "—went off and got himself stuck in the bathroom sink. It took us forever to get him out."

"The bathroom sink?" she echoed in disbelief. "How did he— ...forget it. I don't want to know."

"Good choice," Kisame grumbled.

Simultaneously, ten sets of eyes turned on Tobi. He shrunk back.

Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose. "How did you get him out?"

Kisame regarded her with a flat look. "You don't want to know that either. Trust me."

"Thanks, I suppose. I don't need any more nightmares."

"You mean like that one you have of Kisame's face?"

"How did you guess?"

"Oi!"

Sick of all the screaming matches that had already taken place that day and not looking forward to another, Sasori cut in.

"Did you finish?"

"Yeah, no thanks to any of you," Sakura said dryly.

"Hey, don't blame us," Hidan objected. "Blame the fucking idiot."

"Tobi's sorry, Sakura-chan!" Tobi whined. She sighed.

"It's alright, Tobi."

"Tobi's a good boy?"

"Yes, Tobi."

"YAY! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!"

"Great. Now you got him going, yeah."

"We'll just have to knock him out later," Kisame grunted.

"So, what kind of nightmares have you had?" Hidan asked, looking slightly too interested.

Sakura rolled her eyes, then noticed the others watching her expectantly. Apparently, they were all interested.

Jeez. Freaks.

"Well, there was this one where Kakuzu stole a jar of peanut butter from Ino's house and tried to duct tape it to my foot." Kisame, Hidan, and Deidara burst into laughter, while Kakuzu snorted.

"That not realistic," he sneered.

"Your face isn't realistic," Sakura shot back. Kakuzu glared while the other three laughed even harder. "Then, there was another one where Zetsu started crying and whining about his mom being an Oreo and his dad being a Venus fly trap and his dad eating his mom."

They howled with laughter.

"That isn't true!" Zetsu balked. "My mother wasn't an Oreo! Oreo's aren't even alive! But my father still ate her."

It was, quite suddenly, quiet.

"Zetsu, that's creepy, yeah," Deidara deadpanned.

.

"Hurry up!" Sakura called. "Let's go! The trick-or-treaters will be here any minute!"

The more enthusiastic members of the Akatsuki ran down the stairs; the rest just walked like the total buzzkills they were. And, coincidentally or not, the buzzkills chose not to adorn Halloween costumes, which was just completely sacrilegious in her unbiased opinion.

Hidan was dressed, surprisingly, in a nice, dark purple jacket with a white collared undershirt that wasn't fully buttoned and matching violet pants. He held a long coil of rope, a white mask, and a dark purple fedora in his hands, all of which Sakura eyed warily.

Deidara was dressed as a rather attractive vampire, if he did say so himself. Powder had paled his skin, he had in red contacts and fake vampire teeth, and he wore a cloak that looked suspiciously like his old Akatsuki cloak turned inside-out.

Kisame was dressed as quite the comical werewolf. He didn't have a mask, but rather a shit ton of face paint. He wore a gray shirt that appeared to be ripped with fake, dark brown fur sticking out, ripped black pants, and fake clawed paws for his hands and feet. All of this plus his blue-gray hair, fish-like features, and monstrous height made for one priceless sight.

And then there was Tobi. That stupid, loveable idiot. He was dressed as a ghost, of all things, in a white bed sheet with a single eye hole — more like an eye trapezoid — cut out messily.

Konan, perhaps wanting not to be left out, wore a black origami rose in her hair instead of her usual white flower.

"Very nice," Sakura commented. "I'm impressed." Deidara grinned, and Kisame smirked.

"Tobi likes Sakura-chan's costume, too!" Tobi squealed enthusiastically.

Halloween being her favorite holiday, she was dressed as black cat, fully equipped with cat ears, a tail, and all-black clothes. A splash of face paint created the illusion of whiskers and a tiny pink nose.

Sakura smiled, patting Tobi's head.

"Thank you, Tobi. Your ghost costume's cute, too." She could practically feel him beaming beneath the bed sheet. "You guys ready?" she asked.

They all nodded.

"Alright, so let me make sure I've got this. Hidan, Kisame, Deidara, Tobi, Itachi, and Sasori are staying with me. Pein, Konan, Zetsu, and Kakuzu are...doing something else. 'Cause they're losers who don't appreciate Halloween. Right?"

Another group nod. A few unappreciative glowers.

"Okay, then," Sakura said. "Off we go."

All together, the strange-looking crowd exited Sakura's house and separated into two groups. Four of them walked off to bask in their loser-ness around the village, while the others stationed themselves around the porch.

Sakura picked up a giant bowl of candy and sat in a chair. Deidara took the chair to her left, and Kisame claimed the one on his left. Itachi sat on Sakura's right, and Tobi settled for plopping down on the concrete floor in front of her. Hidan let out a chuckle.

Sakura raised as eyebrow. "What are you doing?" she asked.

He smirked back at her. "Just watch and fucking see." Sakura had a feeling that something bad was going to happen.

Hidan put on his mask, and Sakura nearly recoiled when she saw it. It was a completely white mask with slits for eye holes and a big, creepy smirkish-grin plastered to its face. The mask reminded Sakura of a freaky clown-thing, which was seriously Not Cool. He then donned the dark purple hat, and Kisame raised an eyebrow.

"Nice costume, yeah," Deidara snickered.

"Tobi doesn't like it," the little ghost squeaked. "It scares Tobi."

"It's supposed to fucking scare people, you dipshit," Hidan mocked.

He raised his hand with the rope in it.

"What the hell is that for?" Sakura demanded.

Before she or anyone else could react, Hidan looped the rope around his throat, tied the other end to a hook on the porch ceiling, and hoisted himself up to hang in midair. Sakura gaped, and Deidara nearly face palmed, only just stopping himself when he remembered the powder.

"Now Tobi really doesn't like Hidan-san's mask."

It took less than two minutes for them to begin stuffing their faces with candy, as they had nothing better to do. Within five minutes, they started digging to the bottom of the bowl to get the best kinds and leave any kids that showed up with the crap no one liked. After ten, Sasori and Itachi started a rather fierce game of Go Fish. But once twenty minutes had rolled by without any sign of their first victim — that is, visitor — Hidan groaned.

"How fucking long is this gonna take?" he complained. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"If you're uncomfortable, then you shouldn't have hung yourself on the porch, you dumbass," she hissed. Hidan just smirked — not that anyone could see it.

"To hell with that," he said, waving it off. "This'll be fucking priceless. Just wait."

And he was true to his words.

Moments later, their first vic—visitor arrived.

A boy about sixteen years old — three years younger than Sakura — came up the porch steps. He stared strangely at Hidan's form for a second before turning and grinning at Sakura.

"Hey, Sakura!" he said. "Trick or treat!" She smiled.

"Hey, Kohaku," she greeted. "Here." With that, she dumped a handful of candy into his bag.
Kohaku's eyes glittered as he ogled over his prize. "Thanks!" he called, turning to jog to the next house.

As he leapt past Hidan, landing only a few inches in front of him, the Jashinist leaned forward slowly and breathed down his neck. Kohaku glanced over his shoulder and came face-to-face with Hidan's mask.

Kohaku's face drained of color, and they had only a heartbeat to brace themselves before he took off running with an embarrassingly feminine scream.

Hidan howled with laughter, and Kisame choked on the candy he had been devouring. Deidara fell out of his chair laughing, and Sakura burst into snickers. Even Tobi was giggling, and the corners of Itachi's lips twitched. Sasori glared after the poor boy, his ears ringing.

"That was awesome, yeah!" Deidara cackled, patting Hidan's back.

The immortal reached up to wipe a nonexistent tear from his eye.

"It was fucking hilarious!" he cried. "Did you see that little shit's face? Priceless!"

The next one that came up, Hidan used a different method on.

He slowly reached a hand forward and grabbed the boy's shoulder. Said boy nearly pissed himself and bolted off. That ended in another bout of laughter.

Hidan laughed darkly in the next girl's ear. Needless to say, she let out a piercing shriek and fled. More laughter ensued.

With each new victim — because, by this point, they really were victims — Hidan did something different. No matter how he did it, the person being pranked was scared shitless and ran off. So far — according to Sakura's calculations, anyways — eighteen out of twenty-four people had screamed, and three had fallen down while they were running.

Sakura and the six Akatsuki were having the times of their lives. Itachi had almost cracked a smile on twelve different occasions, but had so far retained his reputation of being unable to do so. Ino had, unsurprisingly, turned out to be the loudest screecher of the night, but Kiba came in a close second, something that Sakura would never let him live down. Besides the two of them and a brief visit from Tenten that nearly ended in decapitation for Hidan, none of the other self-proclaimed Konoha Twelve had shown up.

That is, until the next unfortunate soul arrived.

The number one hyperactive knucklehead ninja himself, Uzumaki Naruto.

"Hey, Sakura-chan!" Naruto yelled, dashing through her yard. Sakura sighed, wishing she had the kind of energy he possessed.

You know, he's probably won some kind of award for fastest trick-or-treating time.

Wouldn't put it past him. "Hey, Naruto," she called, smiling, as he skidded to a halt in front of her on the porch. Sakura was just glad poor little Hinata wasn't with him; she'd die of terror at the sight of Hidan, not to mention when he moved.

Naruto grinned at her and the Akatsuki, having long since gotten over any sort of grudge against them. However, as he greeted each of them, he completely missed Hidan hanging there.

"Trick or treat!"

Sakura grinned, leaning down to grab another bowl that she'd kept hidden behind her chair. "I was wondering when you'd show up. Sorry, but I don't have any candy for you; I got you something special instead."

When she offered him the bowl, Naruto screamed. "CANDY CORN FLAVORED INSTANT RAMEN?! OH MY GOD, SAKURA-CHAN, I LOVE YOU!" He hugged it to him like a giant teddy bear.

Sakura just laughed. "I had Teuchi and Ayame make these for you as a custom order," she just managed to say before she found herself squashed against an obnoxiously orange vampire.

"YOU'RE THE BEST, SAKURA-CHAN!" he yelled, squeezing her into a gigantic hug. Sakura was forced to tap into her monstrous, chakra-enhanced strength to pry him off of herself, but he wasn't fazed. He just gazed down at his bowlful of heaven, grinning ear to ear. "BYE, SAKURA-CHAN! I gotta go home and make some of this for me and Hinata-chan to share! BELIEVE IT!"

Naruto whirled around, and before Hidan do anything, the blond was already shrieking at a volume and pitch that shattered the windows of Sakura's house.

"AHHH! CLOWN! CLOWN!"

With those three words, Naruto hurtled off more quickly than he did when Sakura threatened to kick the dog shit out of him.

Sakura and the five Akatsuki blinked, dumbfounded, and after a good four minutes, Itachi finally broke the silence.

"I believe he is afraid of clowns."

It was quiet for a moment until something occurred to the Akatsuki.

Naruto was afraid of clowns.

Naruto, the all-powerful kyubi jinchuriki, the only person on the face of the planet to ever repeatedly avoid the Akatsuki's clutches, was afraid of clowns.

Clowns.

Hidan was the first to burst into gut-wrenching laughter, and one look at the hysterical Jashinist had Kisame and Deidara joining in, as well. This time, Sakura was the one that fell out of her seat. She coughed for air, arms wrapped tightly around her stomach to keep her insides from forcing their way out.

Then, Hidan came crashing down from the ceiling, and the hook, which ripped out a nice chunk of the porch, landed rather daintily on his nose.

Their laughter tripled, and even Itachi let out a quiet chuckle.

"Holy shit, priceless, yeah!" was all Deidara was able to spit out as he choked on his own breath.

Somewhere down the street, a little boy asked his mother what was so funny. His mother replied that it didn't matter because they weren't going to that house and quickly marched him back home. A neighbor yelled for them to shut the hell up, and Hidan made a mental note that she would be his next sacrifice. Another neighbor mourned the loss of Sakura's sanity.

Between gasps and cackles, Sakura was able to secure enough of her reasoning to come to three conclusions.

One: Hidan was a total asshat, but she loved him for it anyway.

Two: Naruto was never living this shit down.

And Three: Best Halloween ever.