An essay about Mary-Sues, Host Club style. Hope you like it, please read and review!

"Now" Kyoya opened his notebook "before we open up today, I must share some very interesting new information that has come to my attention a few days ago. I sent some of our family's agents out for more, and part of the research is now complete."

"I suppose we can listen" Haruhi sat on the couch as she glanced at the clock; there was still some time until 3 PM, the Host Club was not open yet.

Kyoya adjusted his glasses.

"It's called The Mary-Sue."

The other six blinked, not really getting the point.

"A new customer, perhaps?" asked Tamaki, tilting his head.

"Usually… though there are different types. Please, be on your guard when we open up club today… and for times to come. It will not be easy."

"Kyo-chan! A girl, ne? Will she have cake?" Honey asked cheerfully.

"If you are her target, she probably will… but Hunny-senpai, you should keep an eye on Mori-senpai instead" the cousins stared interrogatively "for him and I are the most likely targets."

"Takashiii, nooo!" Hunny clung to Mori, who showed a slightly surprised expression.

Kyoya's glasses shone.

"Now, let me start the introduction… she's scary, and her types are…"

"Nah, she will never win against us!" Hikaru waved a hand carelessly "we'll just ask her to play the Which one is Hikaru-kun? game, and, whoever she is, she'll never be able to guess."

"Unfortunately, she will tell you two apart the instant she enters the club." Kyoya sighed, and turned the page "now, please, listen carefully and memorize as much as possible. Here go the types…"

By the time Kyoya began reading, Haruhi looked quite puzzled, Tamaki had tears in his eyes, the twins were utterly shocked, and Hunny held on to Mori. Surprisingly, even the latter didn't look stoic as usual.

"First of all…"

Haruhi Sue

"What?! I'm not-" Haruhi's eyes widened, but she was silenced by a gesture from Kyoya.

"General: She's a commoner, a scholarship student in A class of course, who just arrived at Ouran…"

"But we're in the middle of the school year! Ouran doesn't give scholarships at random times!" shouted Tamaki.

Kyoya coughed.

"Tamaki" he slammed the notebook shut "do not interrupt me, I wouldn't be reading this if it wasn't crucial! Now, please… I will restart, and you all can give your comments at the end."

His glasses flashed, and everyone shut their mouths. Kyoya was not somebody to contradict.

Haruhi Sue

General: She's a commoner, a scholarship student in A class of course, who just arrived at Ouran. She can also be an old acquaintance of Haruhi's, if the author pleases. Most of the cases she looks like a boy, cannot pay for the uniform (sounds familiar, eh?), and, if she does, she wears the boys' one for some irrelevant reason.

Development: Breaks a vase (very original), a statue, or something alike and is forced to repay the debt. Sometimes even becomes a host, most likely "the mysterious/emo type" 'cause that's so zOMG KEWL.

Romances: No one is safe. But most likely Kyoya.

Past: Oh, she's a commoner. That's not tragic… but she's maybe even a homeless person! Abused by everyone! And of course, Kyoya is such a sweet, understanding, careful, gentle and selfless person that he utterly devotes himself to curing her wounded soul.

Likely to show up? Very, very likely.

Kyoya's advice: If you see one, run for your lives.

"Comments?" Kyoya pushed up his glasses.

No one could say a word from shock.

"Fine. Oh, and remember the past part. She never has a happy one" he turned the page and continued reading.

Relative Sue

General: She's Tamaki's long lost sister, Kyoya's half-sister, Mori's cousin, Hunny's unexpectedly young aunt, the missing Hitachiin triplet or Haruhi's twin, whose existence Ranka kept secret for various reasons (or, more likely, no reason at all). Maybe even a combination of the above.

Development: She just randomly shows up at Ouran in search of the missing relative, whom she immediately finds in the Host Club. Then ends up best buddies with everyone, and her rootless soul (oh, the trauma) finally finds peace.

Romances: What can I say, anybody but the relative. Unless, of course, said relation is meant to be a zOMG SHOCKING ENDING.

Past: Probably spent all her life in search of the relative. Or, if not, there's always room for angst anyway.

Likely to show up? Yes.

Kyoya's advice: Thorough research of Host Club members' families is compulsory. And she needs a really, really good reason to show up unexpectedly, or, well, even to exist.

Kyoya looked at the others. After a few seconds of silence, everyone (with the exception of Mori, who merely arched an eyebrow and winced slightly) began shouting.

"I have no sisters! Haruhi!!! Daddy is an only child!"

"Just as I am!" Haruhi tried to push Tamaki off her.

"And it's just the two of us!"

"Waah, Takashiii!!! We only have little brothers, neee?!"

"Fine, I see you got it." Kyoya turned the page and motioned for everyone to sit back.

Immature Sue

General: Believes in the oh-so-lovely romance, and goes to the Host Club in search of it.

Development: She finds it.

Romances: No host is safe.

Past: Dull. That's why she wants love so badly.

Likely to show up? Quite often.

Kyoya's advice: She. Has. No. Proper. Background!

"That was short… it's getting boring…" Hikaru ruffled his hair.

Kaoru seemed to agree, as he pulled out a pocket video game.

"Put that away, it's not over yet" Kyoya once again turned the page.

Gothic Sue

General: She doesn't wear the uniform, or, if so (which is highly unlikely), she has it all dyed black. Her stare is icy, her voice scary, her manners spectral, her attitude demoniac. She's the very definition of Gawthicness, can even be a demon sometimes.

Development: She stumbles upon the Host Club, and soon one of them gets an Awesome Gawthic Girlfriend.

Romances: No, strangely she does not end up in Nekozawa's arms. Most likely victims are Hunny and Mori, though it cannot be said definitively.

Past: She's not so Gothic!Emo for no reason at all.

Likely to show up? Quite a few times.

Kyoya's advice: Not really the type we'd like to welcome. If you're a Pulitzer-prize winning author… maybe.

"But I was even scared of Kanazuki-san!" Hunny had to have some cake to avoid nerve damage.

"Hn" Mori nodded.

"And why would she come to the Host Club in the first place?" asked Tamaki.

"I see you're really starting to see it" Kyoya smiled "let's move on…"

Foreigner Sue

General: She's from a Western country, most likely the U.S. The reasons of her arrival to Japan are seldom worked upon.

Development: If she does not end up in A class sitting very close to Haruhi and the twins, she must be so exceptionally beautiful that everyone instantly notices her anyway.

Romances: Kyoya, Mori, or Kaoru. In most cases.

Past: Horrible. She's been abused, tortured, bullied, whatever. And she skips no opportunity to tell it around.

Likely to show up? Very often.

Kyoya's advice: We'll welcome her warmly. Unless she has no background, no reason to exist, and is OMG AWESOME for the mere reason of seducing many an unsuspecting host.

"I've never seen many foreigners here…" Tamaki rolled his eyes, wondering.

The others shook their heads as well.

"But you are one, Tama-chan!" said Hunny suddenly.

"And one is enough" Kyoya looked at his expensive watch "look, we shall open up in ten minutes. Let me just tell you about one more…"

Average Sue

General: A rich Japanese girl in the usual girls' uniform, a random guest at the Host Club. Or maybe it's the first time she comes, who knows.

Development: Most of the time she doesn't really stick out. Too bad that, in several cases, she has to tell everyone her name in kanji means "Mysterious Glowing Beautiful Dawnstar".

Romances: Tamaki is at relatively low risk, but the others…

Past: Now that's not average, but she isn't very willing to tell about her traumas immediately. Maybe has no traumas; it is weird indeed, but it can happen.

Likely to show up? In canon, all the time. In fanfiction, very rarely.

Kyoya's advice: Be our guest, Average Sue. And do your best! You can. But allow us to control your passport and ID before we accept that you were really named Diamond Goldrain or something alike, okay?

The clock struck 3 PM, and everyone stared at the, for the moment, closed door.

"Will they come?" Tamaki seemed truly scared.

"Who knows?" Kyoya closed the notebook.

"Kyoya…" Haruhi looked up, worried "is there any more?"

"Well, some more research will be conducted soon… I think so" Kyoya nodded.

"Oh, dear…" the only girl in the Host Club wiped her forehead "they can enter the door any moment now…"

"Not necessarily" Kyoya turned to the audience "remember: you can prevent it! We like new customers, and you're more than welcome to tell your friends and anyone you would like to see enter that door about the Host Club. Just verify a few things before you do!"

Not meant to bully fanfic authors - this was all written by a passionate Sue-creator over here. In Ouran, though it's not yet posted, I am guilty of an Immature/Average Sue mix.

Reviews are always welcome, and new ideas as well. Kyoya has still some empty space in that notebook...