Ummm, yeah- it's 2am and I just wrote this. No idea what made me write it or what I was thinking when I wrote it, I just got the sudden urge to open up a document and start typing! I own absolutely nothing lol- but I do own a bed and I have to go and sleep in it now because I have to be up at 6am and it's already almost 2.30!! Ugh... the inspiration fairies always strike at the worst time!!!
Yes, it is very OOC but whatever... It is a oneshot. Fang POV.
She sat in the bed- a lost and forlorn look adorning her sad face while her eyes seemed far-off and moist. She just sat there staring at nothing, and the deafening silence echoed throughout the house. She was not happy. She was not herself. She was scared and empty. She was not the girl she used to be. She was not Maximum Ride.
"Hey," I said neutrally. A hint of a question lingered in the small word that escaped my lips- I knew what was wrong, but I wanted to hear it from her.
She never answered. It was a bad day. The sun shone brightly outside as if taunting us scornfully with its irony, there was no brightness left her eyes. Her rosy lips turned downwards and her wide eyes were vacant. Bad day. Bad, bad day.
I sat down beside her on the bed, leaning back against the headboard as she frowned at the duvet. Gently, I tugged it over my legs too. We were together, safe in our own little cocoon. Nothing existed beyond this bed- all we had to do was embrace this safety and block out all the rest of the world. It was neutral ground, we would open up here. She would open up here. But I would need to coax her.
"Max," I said softly, "please talk to me."
It was a simple request, but I didn't know if she was able to fulfil it. My gentle words fluttered away like leaves in a breeze and I wondered if she heard them before the silence whipped them away. Could she hear the traces of pain in what I had said? What right had I to feel pain when she sat broken before me?
"Hello Fang," she muttered sarcastically. "What lovely weather we are having today, don't you agree? Should I get started on the dinner? Would you like to take the kids outside and play some ball with them? I won't be able to watch the mundane drivel on the television tonight- I have far too much housework to do. Perhaps when I have finished polishing the silverware, I will bake you an apple pie. Would you like an apple pie, Fang? A nice, freshly-baked apple freaking pie like all us normal people enjoy."
The biting sarcasm had taken on a new sound- it was bitter. Bitterness barely masked by the usual lack of emotion in Max's voice. She refused to look at me- glaring instead at the stitching on her bed sheets instead.
"Max, I-"
"You what, Fang?" she asked wearily. "You want me to smile? Maybe later, just let me stay in bed for a while."
"It's four pm, Max, and you're fully dressed under this quilt. You don't like staying in bed- you like having things to do."
I shouldn't have to tell her this kind of thing. I shouldn't have forced her to act like this, and I wasn't sure that I could bear to see her like this anymore. I cared for her too much to allow this kind of suffering to continue.
"I don't know what I like anymore. And there is nothing for me to do," My Leader mumbled sadly. This was killing her- I was killing her. Very slowly and very surely. It tore my heart into shreds and seemed to make the air I breathed smog up with dirty chemicals so that I felt unwell.
I had to keep trying. I had to hear her say it, if she didn't say it for herself I would never be able to let her go. "Please, Max. Please talk to me- tell me what's wrong," I whispered desperately. I stared at her pale skin and thin frame. I couldn't do it anymore, but I couldn't do anything at all until I heard the truth from her lips.
"I don't like it here, Fang," she admitted. Her sorrowful eyes finally locked on mine and the sheets crumpled as she turned to face me. "I can't be me here."
"You can't live here." It wasn't a question, it was a blunt and matter-of-fact statement laced with grief.
She shook her miserable head mournfully and I watched the blonde hair wisp around her face. I had to memorise this now. I had to imprint every detail on my brain for evermore. Her brimming eyes that spoke unsaid words to me. Her chapped lips that I had kissed once upon a time. Her forehead that was scrunched up like always- but with sadness as opposed to determination or worry. There was no need for her to worry here.
"I can't be me here, Fang," she repeated softly.
"Who are you? Who are you that you can't be the same here?" I asked. But I knew the answer. I just needed to hear her voice, hear her twisted logic and hear her reasons.
"I'm a hero, Fang. I need a bad guy, I need an enemy. There are no bad guys here, there is nobody to fight. There are no threats. Nobody here needs to be protected or saved."
Max looked down at the blankets again. "I am useless here, Fang. I feel trapped and empty and I can't even breathe right. I can't do this. I just can't."
Her eyes were watery and I could see her lower lip quiver. "I know I said that I would try. I know that you only wanted to do this buying a house and living in safety thing for the best of intentions and for the Flock… but I can't try any more. I've tried, Fang, and I'm failing. I have failed. I'm not supposed to fail, Fang- not me."
I could feel pain clench my heart in an iron like grip. It cut off all the air and blood flowing to my body and I felt dizzy with the crashing realisation and immense pain that her words brought. I knew what was coming next, and I felt like it would kill me. Maybe it would. But it was killing her too. It was killing my Max, and I couldn't let her be hurt… I had hurt her enough.
"The Flock," I croaked. "They… they like it here. They love it here…"
"I know," she gasped as though she were fighting off tears. Maybe she was. This was killing both of us.
"It doesn't matter," I said resolutely. "We can leave, all of us. We'll go back to the way it was…"
Max looked at me again and her face was screwed up in pain and barely contained tears. "No. No, I can't do that to them… every day, every freaking day they say how much they love this place. Every day they say that they would hate to go back to the old ways… we can't."
We were both twisted sideways on the bed, looking at each other with desperation. My hands grasped hers and we squeezed tight. Our knuckles were turning white but we didn't let go. Our eyes were having a heartfelt conversation as we stared, and a thick lump of imaginary rock lodged itself in my throat. My mind was chanting the same mantra over and over and over again: No. No, no, no, no.
We both leaned forward and I felt our foreheads press against each other and our noses touch. Our eyes never broke contact. The feeling of our skin against each other should have been glorious… instead it made acid burn a hole deep within my stomach. She was only doing this because of what was about to come. Max would never ever do something like this if she wasn't about to do what would undoubtedly ensue.
"I can't do it," I whispered wretchedly. "I can't do it alone."
"You have to," Max murmured. "I believe in you."
Panic rose in my chest. I had known it was coming but it still came as a shock. A shock I couldn't accept.
"I promised." I garbled the first excuse that came into my head. I was clutching at straws. "I promised that I would never leave you ever again. I promised, Max."
She gave a weak shadow of a smile. "But I never promised not to leave you. You're off the hook, Fang- you don't have to keep the promise anymore."
"I want to keep the promise," I said pleadingly. I had to make her stay. Even if she just stayed with me here inside the little bubble around her bed that blocked out everything else. We were still pressed together and every breath, every movement, every single thing that we did could be felt by the other. So close yet so far apart. It would never be the same again.
"I know," she breathed just as brokenly.
"I love you," I said, my words shuddering and catching in my throat. My panic, my pain and my impending loss were making my body shake uncontrollably.
Her eyelashes fluttered closed and I could feel her tremble too. "I know."
With her eyes still closed, Max pressed her lips against mine. Not soft and not in a kiss. Just a hard and forceful pressure that I returned exactly. My eyes closed too, but it didn't lessen the pain. I caught her bottom lip between mine as I fought off the tears. She kissed me back, turning her head to the side and I knew that the emotions of pain and agony were ripping her apart too. And we stayed there- clinging to each other, fighting off tears and kissing each other so hard that it almost seemed as though we were trying to meld our bodies together in the hopes that we could just become one person and stay together forever.
But we couldn't.
Our foreheads pressed together again, and even though my eyes were closed I knew that hers were too. The silence raged on as we inhaled and exhaled in synchronisation, our bodies trembling and the time ticking away.
"It has to be this way," she whispered, her words washing over my face with her juddering breaths. "I love you too."
"Please." Just one single word that contained every single speech I ever wanted to recite to the enigma in my arms. Just one word. Just a request that she could never fulfil.
She pressed her lips gently to mine once more and disentangled herself from my embrace. She clambered off the bed on unsteady, wavering limbs. The agony was consuming her too. I suddenly felt very alone and cold and afraid on this bed. I watched as she pulled on her boots and stooped to pick up her rucksack.
"I need to be me," she said in an uneven and shaky voice. "I need to be the hero and I need someone to save. I can't be normal. I can't stay here. I can't try anymore- not even for you and not even for the Flock. I need to be me."
"Promise me that you'll come back." I scrambled off the bed, blinking back the caustic and treacherous tears.
She smiled sadly. "No more promises."
"Promise me that you will come back," I reiterated.
"Tell them I love them. Tell them I'm sorry."
"Promise me, Max."
She placed a framed photograph of us all into her bag from the dressing table and zipped it back up.
"I love you," she said. Her irises were bright and the pain glimmered in them. We could hear the Flock make noise downstairs. Happy noise. Carefree noise.
"Max-"
"I have to be me again, Fang. This place is destroying me."
"Being without you will destroy me," I shot back. "I can't do this alone. I need you."
"You have me. Always. Take care of them, Fang. My heart is yours- all of yours, you and the Flock. But my soul and my spirit aren't here… I'll miss you."
She turned away from me and opened the balcony door. I should have known that Maximum Ride couldn't be normal or settled. She was a wild bird that couldn't be caged- not even by me and not even by her Flock. She had to fly free. What kind of hero was a hero without people to save or the threat of danger? Max had to be the hero, not the stay at home mom.
"You own my heart," I told her gravely. "When the world is saved, bring it back to me. We'll be waiting."
She nodded. Bright sunlight flooded the tense room and I watched as Max took to the skies. There was pain and gratitude shining in her face as she flew away. Agony filled me to the brim, but there was hope burning within me too. She would be happier this way, and she would come back. With every fibre of my being I would look forward to her return- because she would return. She loved us, she loved me- and like every good hero she would keep checking in on those who she saved.
If you loved something, you let it go. And if you loved it enough, you hoped with everything you had that it would come back. I hoped for Max's return- be it in five days or five years, it would come to pass and I would still love her enough to wish that she had never left in the first place.
If you loved something you had to let it go- Max and I understood that. It was hard, and it hurt- but we understood.