Oh, if only I owned Maximum Ride. Instead of the stupid eco-friendly love story James Stupid Patterson has turned it into, I would make it a high-flying, action-packed, oh-my-gosh-Fang's-half-Eskimo adventure! But no. Not my decision. Sigh…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maximum Therapy
Rachel: Hello. My name is Dr. Rachel and we're here to—
Audience Member1: You're not a certified doctor!
-Rachel calmly zaps Audience Member1 with ray gun then smiles-
Rachel: Like I was saying, I'm Dr. Rachel and today we're going to fix some of the characters from Maximum Rides' mental illnesses. Today I think we have… Max!
-Max appears with straightjacket on-
Max: WHERE AM I!? WHERE'S MY FLOCK! THEY NEED TO FOLLOW MY ORDERS!!
-huddles up in fetal position and eye twitches- There's always a plan there's always a plan there's always a plan!
Rachel: We're in deeper than I thought.
Max: -foams at mouth-
Rachel: Uh, okay then. Max, tell me when this all started.
Max: It all started when I was born …
Rachel: Yes, I've realized that.
Max: DON'T INTERRUPT ME!! HANG ON TO EVERY WORD I SAY!
Rachel: …
Max: It all started when I was born, older than everyone else.
Rachel: …Can I speak now?
Max: Permission granted.
Rachel: Max, you've got control issues.
-Fang appears from nowhere-
Fang: You got that right sistah!
Rachel & Max: SHUT UP FANG!
-Rachel rolls up newspaper and chases Fang-
Rachel: Shoo, you mindless fool! Shoo!
-Fang disappears-
Rachel: Now, then. Max, maybe do you think that you could let someone else be leader for a little while? Hitch a ride to Miami or Las Vegas?
-Max pouts and looks at feet- I guess…
Rachel: Good, now ca—
Max: I WASN'T FINISHED!! THERE'S ALWAYS A PLAN!!
Rachel: …
Max: Like I was SAYING, I guess I could, but my flock needs me. I'm like their mother. I always have been until Jeb disappeared. If I stepped down, who would take over? Fang? Angel? Hell no! What I'm trying to say is that I need them as much as they need me. Would YOU give up your precious A:TLA action figure collection?
-Several people in the audience cry and give standing ovations-
-Rachel hits Max repeatedly over the head with her new air glider based off of Aang's air glider-
In stores now!
Rachel: DON'T! YOU! DARE! SAY! ANYTHING! ABOUT! MY! AVATAR! COLLECTION!!!!
-Hits repeatedly until Max is knocked out-
Rachel: Uh… Well that's it for today, folks! I think Max is cured!
Audience: YAY!!
Max: -gurgle-
Rachel: Next time we'll fix Fang's mental illness. Want to find out? WELL BE PATIENT!!