(Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Evangelion or any of the characters. I just wanted to use them for this non-profit piece of fiction. Because I like Rei. Please do not sue…)

Smile Like You Mean It.

February 19th 2016

How can I be more human?

It is a question that I have often considered, but more so in recent days.

I may look human, sound human and even seem human to the touch, however there is something lacking. Something missing.

Nagisa-kun, however, does not seem to experience this lack of what it is to be human.

Though we are the same in many ways, with regards to our conception and sterile childhood's, we are in fact polar opposites. For Nagisa-kun excels at human interaction and emotional expression far more than I. He is, as they say, a natural. Even though he was born for the same reason as I, he has come to love that which he could've destroyed so easily, with a passion that I find difficult to believe I could ever possess.

Not only can he do this with such ease, but also he seems to genuinely thrive on it. Any chance to converse with or simply be around others he sees as a gift rather than an inconvenience, even ex-pilot soryu.

However it is clear that his most treasured interactions occur with Ikari-kun. Their bond goes far deeper than my own bond with the Third Child ever could. I find that I don't mind as much as perhaps I should. Instead it fills me with a sense of what could be happiness to know that they have found something in each that makes them so… content.

But I am straying from the point. Whilst I do envy their bond, in truth it is Nagisa-Kun that I must come back to, for it is he I envy the most.

I am envious of Nagisa-kun's innate ability to be so… human. To show so easily what he feels. I must admit to experiencing this morbid sense of want every time I hear his laugh or see him smile.

He does not seem to just smile with his mouth, but with his eyes and indeed his whole body. It is such an overwhelming thing that it appears to charm even the most cynical of people. It is this smile I find myself so readily jealous of. I dislike jealously, the way it swells and twists into something that feels unpleasant and wholly unwanted. It is irrational and uncomfortable and yet I feel it in his presence. I am wantonly jealous of his smile, that simple smile that allows him to merge with humanity as if he had always been here.

I existed long before he truly did and I had never been as human as Nagisa-kun. I can not recall a time where I had readily sought out the company of others that had not been a direct order from a superior. Nor expressed an opinion or thought without being told to do so.

Why should I have done? I could have been so easily replaced.

Now I am the only one.

There are no 'others' to replace me, they are gone, a fading nightmare. I am me, who is she, the girl known as Ayanami Rei. This one can be whomever she chooses to be. There are no superiors to direct my life as they see fit. For this is the only life I have now.

This is my last chance.

That is not to say I don't sometimes forget that. It is very hard to be ones own, when one is so used to being so… disposable.

My 'original purpose' has expired. The part I played in all that has happened has passed. I am now like every other human being on this planet. Without a purpose. Ikari-kun may argue with that statement, but I have yet to be proved wrong. However that lack of purpose, whilst almost terrifying, does not bother me as much as I supposed it would.

I have changed, just not enough.

The past still hangs over me.

Perhaps that is why I have yet to embrace my new-found existence?

Perhaps this is why I have yet to truly experience what it is to be human, to experience and express that which makes me, me?

I may still be the First Child, but I am not the First Child I once was.

Nor do I wish to be.

My metamorphosis has yet to begin…

Simply put, at this present juncture in my life, I still cannot show what I think and what I feel. Though my sense of self has greatly improved through my interactions with the other Children, my actual ability to express myself in a more natural fashion has not.

I know that it is possible. Nagisa-kun is proof of that. I have always been capable of complex emotions, for I have felt and acted upon them in the past. But I could never truly understand them or their purpose.

Therefore I did not consider it necessary to attempt explore them.

However, it is only now that I am beginning to understand why it is important that I should be able to express myself fully. To understand and utilise these emotions to enhance my experience and way of life.

My inability to simply express that which I feel has now become a burden I do not wish to bare. It is limiting my experience.

This is why I do not feel human as I should, this is why I am now dissatisfied with my current existence.

This is the only logical conclusion.

I wish to smile and have the world know I mean it.

I do not wish to be seen as a doll any longer.

I do not wish to be so alone.

However I am unsure how to go about this new life…