Hey guys! Here's another fic by me...hahaa. This one is very different from my usual writing style... I mean I'm sure I'll find a way to add some humorous moments into this... but overall it's very dark and serious... and it deals with extremely serious subjects. I loved the idea of writing this though, and I had to do it... so I hope it's alright! This is my first story from first person, too. I feel like this story needs to be in first person... I don't know why.

Now... I have no experience with anything mentioned in this story so I don't know if I'll be able to portray it well...but I will try my best, I promise!

I also do not own the song used in this story, which is Pray for Me by SIXX:AM. Very good song and band... Nikki Sixx (the bassist for this band and Motley Crue) is my idol, and he actually inspired this story with his book The Heroin Diaries. Haha. Some ideas will be taken from there, probably, so that will help me out. I'm going to stop this here before I write a whole novel of just author's notes!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, The Heroin Diaries, or the song Pray for Me by SIXX:AM
Warnings: I only want to put one warning, so here's the overall warning: this story contains drug use, self-mutilation, maybe sexual content, death, and swearing. Please be prepared!

She lights a candle, but she doesn't know why.
She wants to save me, but I'm barely alive.
My soul is thirsty. I just wanna get high.
Make her go away.

Happy Birthday To Me.

"July 15th..." I groaned to myself, rolling over in my bed. "Big fucking deal..."

Big fucking deal is right. There's nothing special about today. Today is exactly the same as any other day. I mean, why would today be any different? It's not like my friends care enough about me to go out of their way to do something – even get me a cake. Whatever.

I sighed and sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I glanced over at my alarm clock – 12:47pm. I slept in again – great. Ishida was going to be angry.

"I don't care..." I muttered to myself, sliding out of bed and padding around my room barefoot. Talking to myself has become a bad habit lately. Not like I have anyone else to talk to...

I went into the bathroom and glanced at myself in the mirror. Well, didn't I just look handsome.

My face was pale...so pale... I looked like a ghost. My greasy, usually vibrant orange hair even seemed duller. The natural spikes had flattened out. My eyes were sunken in and looked darker than usual. If someone were to compare a picture of me now, to a picture of me two years ago, they'd never think it was the same person...

I sighed heavily and proceeded to brush my teeth for the first time that week. I even managed to take a shower... God knows how long it's been since I took one.

I know it sounds disgusting. It is disgusting... but when you're in my situation, nothing matters. The only thing that matters is drugs. Drugs are all that is ever on my mind...

They've consumed me. Heroin and cocaine the most. I guess it all started when I was 18 and thought I was tough shit, and started hanging out with a bad crowd...

I guess it was like their initiation test... they had handed me a joint, and told me to smoke it... Honestly, I was a little uncomfortable. I wasn't into that shit. But seeing no harm in simply trying it, I did it. At first it felt weird. I was confused. I was afraid. Not wanting to seem like a wuss, I smoked with them once again, but that time I liked it. From that moment on, I was in their "group" and they always had shit for me to try. I began to smoke cigarettes...and that's where the trouble started.

Cigarettes are the fucking gateway to everything else. After becoming addicted to cigarettes, I wanted anything and everything. I began to do ecstasy at parties, drink until I passed out, and so much more. Then... cocaine appeared in my life.

I did it once... and then I was hooked. It was amazing. I'd never felt so good before. I blew all of my money on it.

Once I was doing some lines with a "friend" in the park at night, and his dealer dropped by. He offered us heroin. At first my friend and I were hesitant, but I thought "Fuck it" and bought some. After the first time we shot it up... we knew we were fucked. We were terrified and excited at the same time. Once it got into our system, all we could think was more, more, more. We wanted more of it and would do anything to get it.

From that day forward, I became a heroin addict and I knew my life was slowly spiraling downwards. I loved it, though... the effect of drugs. It made me forget everything. Especially one thing – my mother.

I loved my mother... and when she died, I felt as if my life was over. I wanted nothing to do with anyone... I just wanted to die. Then I met heroin... and everything was alright.

I almost always did it in the same spot – under the bridge near the riverbank where my mother died. I would crouch up in a corner of the dirty, old bridge and shoot up. No one ever came there; there was a nicer park just five minutes away. It was like my own little hideout. The apartment I rented out was right across from the riverbank. If you ask me why I chose that one, of all areas... I wouldn't be able to give you an answer.

My dad was becoming suspicious of what I did when I went out. I had lost a lot of weight and my skin had turned a sickly yellow color. My grades in school dropped drastically and I became very anti-social. So I decided I wanted to move out.

My dad was shocked and said I wasn't ready to be on my own. I told him I would be fine and he should just stay out of my business...I said some other pretty harsh things, but he let me go. He gave me a bank card and told me to spend it wisely... buy myself a nice place and shit. I told him I'd take good care of the money.

Well, look at me now. A shit-hole apartment, crappy car, no food, nothing. All of the money spent has gone to drugs. My dad had put quite a hefty amount of money into the bank account, so there's well over half of it left. Most likely, in the future, it'll all go to drugs. God, I'm fucked.

As I stepped out of the bathroom in a towel, feeling cleaner than I had in a while, my phone rang. I sighed heavily, knowing who it was. I walked to the phone and picked it up. "What, Ishida?"

"What the hell, Ichigo!?" My best friend of ten years yelled over the phone. "You were supposed to be here three hours ago!"

"Sorry... I woke up late." I sighed. "I'll still come and help set up, just give me a couple minutes."

"I don't even know why I still put up with you." Ishida growled. "Bye." The line clicked, and Ishida was gone.

Ishida's pretty much the only guy I can call a true friend. Sure, we have our arguments... but he's always been there. He knows I'm an addict...and he's been trying to help me get through it. His attempts are useless, but he never gives up. I just wish I had the ability to care about him as much as he cares about me.

His fiancée Orihime's bridal shower is tomorrow. I promised I'd help set everything up before the actual shower tomorrow so that everything is prepared. I'm such a great friend, aren't I? God, I make myself sick. I hate how I don't care enough. It's my fault, I guess... my fault for making the stupidest decision anyone could ever make.

I dried my hair and scavenged around my room for some clean clothes. I somehow managed to find some and I quickly changed, grabbing my keys and wallet and heading out.

I slid into my beat-up Honda and drove away from my apartment building, towards the club Orihime's shower was being held at.

"What have you been doing all morning?!" Was the first thing I was greeted with when I walked into the area reserved for Orihime's party. Ishida stormed up to me angrily, demanding an answer. I shrugged.

"I told you, I slept in." I sighed. Ishida slightly calmed down and gave me a weary glance. He turned to the long table behind him and grabbed a plastic bag full of decorations.

"Orihime called one of her friends to come early, so everything but the decorations are set up. Put them up."

"Yes master," I muttered, taking the bag and pulling out girlish tablecloths, confetti, and deflated balloons. Ishida glared at me, not in the mood for my attitude, and went over the chair he had placed his jacket on. He pulled out a small box and walked back towards me, holding it out. I stopped smoothing the tablecloth onto the table and looked at him oddly.

"Happy birthday." He said quietly as I took the box from his hands. I looked up at him.

"You remembered." I said, unable to hide the surprise on my face. Ishida gave me a small smile.

"I'm not like you, Ichigo. I remember my friends' birthdays." That made me feel bad... I never remember to get Ishida anything, or even wish him a happy birthday.

"Sorry, Ishida... I know I'm -" Ishida interrupted me and patted me on the back.

"It's okay, you'll be alright soon enough... I promise." He gave me one last look and walked to where Orihime was talking to her friend at the back of the party area. I looked down at the present and sighed, placing it into my jacket pocket. I'd open it later.

I continued to set up the table decorations, and Orihime's friend – I'm guessing - came walking towards me. I tried not to stare, but once I actually saw her face, she was really cute and I couldn't help it... She was short and thin, and her eyes were incredible. They were large and the most unique shade of blue I'd ever seen. Her hair was black and flicked out at the ends, and a strand was out of place, in the middle of her face. It was cute.

She stood next to me, watching me scatter the confetti across the table. I glanced up at her, then quickly looked back down, not saying a word. She continued to stare, blinking. I shut my eyes, becoming slightly annoyed, as I continued to scatter the confetti. Okay, this was ridiculous.

"What?!" I demanded, slamming the pack of confetti onto the table and looking at her. She didn't even look at me.

"You're making it look ugly." She pointed at the table. "You should mix the yellow and pink... it would be cuter than just one side yellow and one side pink."

I gaped at her. "So why don't you do it?!" I growled. What the hell?

"It's not that hard." She huffed, shoving me aside and grabbing the packets. She sprinkled a little pink confetti, then some yellow on top. She then took her hand and swirled them together evenly. I had to admit... it did look better.

"Whatever." I mumbled. She grinned at me.

"I'm Rukia Kuchiki."

"Ichigo Kurosaki." Could she leave me alone now? She was cute and all, but I could tell she was definitely going to irritate me. I'm sure she knew I was annoyed, but she continued to pester me.

"I've never seen you before." Rukia commented. "How come?"

"I don't get out much." I said curtly, grabbing the bag of confetti packets and heading for the next table. She followed. Damn.

"Why's that?"

"I don't like going out."

"How come?"

"I just don't!"

"You must have a reason!"

"Well I don't."

"I'm sure you do. What is it?"

I'd had enough. I threw the bag onto the table and whirled around to face her, curling my hands into fists. "Do you ever stop with the fucking questions?! Jesus Christ!" I roared. Unfortunately, I had forgotten we were in a large and empty hall... so it echoed. Ishida, Orihime, and their mothers turned to look at me, surprised. Rukia just blinked.

I sighed heavily and mumbled an apology, rubbing my forehead and rushing out of the hall. Ishida quickly followed. "Ichigo!" he called. I ignored him. He continued to run after me. "Ichigo, wait!"

I sighed and stopped, turning to face him. "I'm sorry, Ishida... I can't help out."

"You've got to control your temper, Ichigo..." Ishida sighed, looking at me worriedly. I looked down. Ever since I had become... an addict... my temper had gotten worse. I exploded at the littlest things. "Well... I guess we can finish without you... go home and rest. Okay?" He knew what I wanted to do when I got home... he knew all too well.

"Well -" I was interrupted by Ishida's death glare. "I'll try." I mumbled.

"Please Ichigo. For me." I nodded and sighed, waving goodbye and heading for my car. Ishida shook his head and headed back into the party hall. I entered my car and put the keys in the ignition, turning it. My car didn't start.

My eyes widened. "No way..." I whispered. I was out of gas. "Damn it!" I groaned, hitting my forehead on the wheel.

"Want a ride?" I looked up to see Rukia standing outside my car door, tilting her head to the side curiously.

Just my luck.

What did you guys think!? I know this was terribly written... but it's the first chapter, cut me some slack! Haha. I promise it'll get better – I just had to lay everything out and explain the background story... and I'm terrible at writing that kinda stuff, as you can see. There is humor... but not as much as there is angst and stuff!

I also wanna say, everything mentioned in this story (drugs, abuse, etc) is not good. I am not writing about it because I think it's fine... it bothers me a lot and I wish no one had to turn to doing these things... but I did feel the need to write this story. I feel it'll be a change for me since I usually write totally happy stories...If anyone is suffering difficulties dealing with the things mentioned in this story, I am sorry if this offends you – and I hope you are able to get over your struggles as soon as possible!

but if this story doesn't get very positive feedback, I will understand that you guys don't like this idea very much, and I can take it down! Just please tell me what you thought of it, and if I should get rid of it...change anything...etc. I am aware I have not experienced any sort of addiction and I can't capture the emotions perfectly, but I will try my best! Thank you!

(I promise the authors notes of following chapters will NOT be this long...LOL. Well, I can't promise...I never shut up :S It's impossible, I'm sorry!)