An entry for "The-Gintamards" club on DA. Best Gintama club ever, by the way. The theme was "Guerrilla Warfare." Special hugs for Scarr-C for beta.

Mainly OkiKagu and Yorozuya adventure. GinTae/KonTae if you squint hard enough until your nose bleeds. Enjoy.

Mission "Sadist is a Kidnapper":

Launch time: 1300 hours on February 25th
Rendezvous point: The dango booth on the east end of the plum blossom festival
Code Names: Parfait, Glasses and Sukonbu-chan

Primary Objective: To determine whether the suspected and shady Shinsengumi captain, Okita Sougo, is guilty for holding an anonymous (and suspiciously cute) woman hostage.

This is a top-secret stealth mission and by no means are you to make contact with the intended targets. Information gathering is critical. Depending on the results of this mission, the superior (which is me) will relay orders on intercepting the kidnapping.

Secondary Objective: To buy me at least twenty sticks of dango before the mission-

"Kagura-"

"…"

"Oi. Kagura. What the hell is-"

"Shut up, you're gonna blow our cover," hushed the young Yato girl as she continued to shield herself behind the dango booth. The two Yorozuya men matched knowing gazes, Gintoki crumbling the piece of paper in his hand.

He was already in a foul mood. Apparently JUMP had sold out today and judging by the sour expression on Shinpachi's face, he imagined he didn't manage to get his hands on the Otsuu-chan Special Release CD either.

Despite the threatening auras radiating off the two men, Kagura was oblivious, ducking behind the festival booth with a stick of dango hanging from her pursed lips. She handed out two walkie-talkies as she stared onward, focused on something and not minding that the knees of her formal jade colored yukata were blackened from the ground. For someone whose sole purpose was to stay hidden, the small fact that Gintoki and Shinpachi were out in the open staring at her didn't seem to arouse that their "mission" could be compromised.

Realizing that there was no other way to get it into her head unless to strike the head itself (and a very hard head it was), Gintoki plucked the walkie-talkie from her hand...

WHACK!

"OWW! What the hell are you doing, asshole? You're gonna break it!"

"I'm gonna break your head, idiot! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean? Read the paper! Can't you read?"

"I CAN read and now I'm very disappointed in myself!"

Before the two could claw at each other's throats, Shinpachi tugged at Gintoki's sleeve, pointing down into the crowds.

"Oi. Gin-chan. Is that-"

The trio stopped mid-punch to spot an officer accompanying a mildly familiar woman. Even with the bustle of Edo residents between the stands, it wasn't difficult to identify the man with the red sleeping mask he wore over his flaxen hair. It was none other than the third seat of the Shinsengumi- Okita Sougo. Beside him, with a hand to her laughing lips, was a woman about his age, her hair cropped at her jaw line.

"Hey, she looks familiar-"

"Meh, I'm bored. Let's go, Pachi."

Before Gintoki and Shinpachi could lose interest and turn away, they were stopped when a force hit their ankles from below. After Kagura had fanned a leg beneath them, and the men were knocked to the ground, Gintoki helped himself up by using Kagura's neck.

"Gin-chaaAAAAN-"

"I'm going home," Gintoki quipped.

"Me too."

"No! Wait! Don't you want to save that lady?"

"Save her? It doesn't look like she needs to be saved- wait. It's Okita. Nevermind."

"Her taste, her fate," Shinpachi shrugged.

"No, come on, you have to stay!"

"Why?"

"B-because he's suspicious, I tell you!"

"You're suspicious," Gintoki spat, trying to escape but the girl had their collars in her fists.

"Oh yeah? So why does he have a copy of your Jump and Shinpachi's Otsuu CD in his bag-"

"WHAT? WHERE?"

Her Yorozuya compatriots darted behind the dango booth beside her, murder written on their faces as they observed their most desired belongings in the semi-transparent bag looped over Sougo's right arm.

"So, all we have to do is jump him to get what we want, right?"

"No, assholes. Read the paper. We need information first."

Gintoki scoffed, "Che. I'd say we rob him."

"It's Okita-san we're talking about here. It won't be that easy," Shinpachi reminded.

"Oh. Yeah. Damn."

"But I still don't get what we need information for."

Her cheeks beginning to flush a healthy shade of red, Kagura squeaked, "B-because he's suspicious, remember? The woman he's with! He's a sadist so what would he be doing with such a smiley woman? He must be doing it by force!"

"Okita-san has needs, too, you know-"

Shinpachi's comment was drowned out when Gintoki seemed to take Kagura's claim with sincere contemplation, "Hmm, what the hell kind of woman would want to be around that monster anyway?"

"Yeah! Right? You see!"

Shinpachi narrowed his eyes, "But Kagura's a monster too…"

"All, right! How do we get this thing started? I want my Jump already."

"Oi. Are you even listening to me?"

"Here, Gin-chan. Use the walkies."

"Oi…"

"Ah, these look familiar."

"Umm, Gin-chan. Kagura-"

"That's because I stole them from that time we used them in the gorilla wedding."

Becoming irritated, Shinpachi yelled, "You bastards, listen to me!"

"What? What the hell do you want?"

There was a moment of silence, Kagura biting down on her syrupy fingers and Gintoki finding the cleanest finger to insert into a nostril. Huffing with irritation, the boy snatched the electronic from Kagura.

"Forget it. Give me. I want my Otsuu."

Flicking the wheel along the black walkie and hearing the static buzz in her ear, a fanged grin spread across her round features. Her eyes ablaze with determination and mischief, she struck a heroic pose- err, crouch to raise the morale in her new comrades-in-arms.

"Heh, heh, heh. Glad to have you on board, boys. It's gonna be a bumpy ride."

"Glasses-san, what's your position? Over."

"Oi, why is my code name-"

"Stop stalling and tell me your position, over."

Shinpachi sighed. Why was he doing this again? Oh. Yeah. Otsuu-chan. He must rescue Otsuu-chan…

"I'm behind the shooting range with the ducks. Over."

"Report your situation. Over."

As if on cue, there was a gunshot and a batch of horrified gasps that followed. Due to his experience living with a samurai who didn't pay bills, a sister who piled numerous assault charges and an alien who resolved her PMS by punching whoever was nearest- children included - Shinpachi poked his head out to observe his targets. In front of the shooting range was the woman, appearing more impressed rather than terrified. Sougo handled a large shotgun, aiming with a squinted eye towards the floating, happy and unsuspecting rubber ducks.

"Oh my God, he's got a gun!" Someone screamed, running with arms flailing in the air, and the man managing the booth approached the sadist with shaky resolve.

"U-umm, m-mister?"

"What?" Sougo asked plainly, unfazed by the commotion and speaking as if he was the one being bothered.

"Y-you're not allowed to use real guns. Here, why don't you try a water g-gun-"

"But they don't work right. How will you know if I shot a duck if it's water on water?"

"Well, sir, I'm watching-"

"You weren't watching. You were picking at your toes."

"W-what- I would never-"

"Are you saying I'm a liar," Okita suddenly threatened, taking the edge of his shotgun to lift the other man's chin.

"NO! Never! Forget it! Use the gun! Use whatever you want!"

There was a crackle over the radio.

"Oi! Oi, Shinpa- I mean, Glasses-san! What the hell's going on?"

"Gin-chan! He's got a gun!"

"Oh. That's nothing," Kagura quipped.

"Nothing? THAT is not nothing, Kagura!"

"SUKONBU-CHAN!"

"Whatever! What are the hell are you guys doing anyway? Why do I have to be by the most dangerous booth at this festival?"

"It's not dangerous yet. He's not using a bazooka," the girl informed him again, continuing to give Shinpachi more reasons to regret this.

"I'm at the 'Guess your weight and age' thingy," the perm headed samurai announced.

"Of course you are, stupid, it's the only thing you have a chance at winning because someone else is doing the guessing!"

"I'll be sure to keep the prize then."

Kagura changed her mind. "Nooo, what's the prize Gin- I mean, Parfait-chan? I want one!"

"Ah, look at the food coupons. Hmm, maybe I should get a stupid stuffed amanto…"

"Bastard, get me the coupons!"

"Amanto it is-"

"Parfait-chan, you're skinny and handsome and young and that guy is gonna guess that you're eighteen-"

"No, not good enough. More."

"I can't lie to you anymore than this, Parfait-chan-"

"OI! LISTEN TO ME! I'm in the middle of a possible shoot-out and you're too busy lying to Gin-chan!" Shinpachi shrieked, momentarily forgetting that he was supposed to be hiding.

"Hey, for your information, I do look like I'm eighteen-"

"What the hell am I supposed to do now? He's armed and crazy. If he catches me, I'm doomed-"

Shinpachi's plead was met by a burst of static.

"Hello? Sukonbu-chan, come in! Parfait! Respond!"

Shimura palmed the walkie-talkie with frustration, his back against the side of the shooting range and eager to get out of this deadly situation as fast and as safe as possible. By the dangerous turn of events, the possibility of retreating from this festival unscathed seemed increasingly impossible.

This was insane! What the hell possessed him to attempt such a task? Otsuu-chan - as heavenly and worthy of his entire life as she was, that CD was beginning to pale in comparison with the risk of getting a bullet lodged into his ass cheek. Or worse! The other end!

True. Okita-san would probably aim for his legs, looking to disable him like a diseased animal pleading to be put out, but judging by the Captain's sadistic nature, there was no doubt that he'd aim to torture him! Leave him wounded where it could never heal!

Legs buckling inward at the startling thought, Shinpachi was about to change positions if it weren't for the distinct aura of evil radiating over his shoulder.

"U-umm-"

"GAAAAAAH!"

"Oiiiiii! Glasses-san!" Gintoki screamed, practically scarfing the electronic halfway into his mouth. Spit dampening the edges, the samurai continued to yell and listen for any signs of life. Kagura was also yelling into the walkie-talkie.

"Hey, Shinpachi! Stop playing with the ducks and tell me what's going on!"

No answer.

"Kagura!"

"Sukonbu-chan."

"Whatever. I think Shinpachi's been eaten alive!"

"Oh well. He knew what he got into when he signed up for war."

"We didn't sign up! We were blackmailed!"

"Then he was a victim of his own human nature."

"After I win this food coupon, I'm leaving, Kagura."

"No- wait! You can't!"

His ears already ringing with the whine of her voice over the radio, Gintoki snapped it off and threw it into a bush. After he was done winning his food coupon, he was going to wave at the sadist and pickpocket his Jump as sneakily as possible. Worst-case scenario, he'd make a run for it. He'd survive. After all, he was still alive after being stabbed, hit by vehicles, almost drowning, having his head bitten and various other punishments he endured throughout his life. He supposed that was the price he had to pay for being a freeloader. Karma just liked to screw him over.

Finally getting up to the booth, he was greeted by an obnoxious looking man who reminded him of the monopoly guy with high heels. Narrowing his eyes at the sloppy samurai, the man circled him, rubbing his chin as he shuffled through his thoughts.

"Hmm… I want to say twenty-"

"Choose your words wisely."

"E-eight-"

"I'm reaching for my sword-"

"F-five-"

"Still thinking about it."

"Eighteen!"

"I am! Good, I won!"

"No, actually, you lost."

"Eh?"

"The point is for me to guess wrong, then you win."

"WHAT? What kind of game is this? I want my food coupon, damn it! I'm tired of eating burnt eggs and Sadaharu's puppy chow!"

"Next!"

"Give me my coupon now or I'll-" Gintoki stopped, his fist clenching the monopoly guy's collar before his attention was diverted towards the takoyaki stand. There she was again, the woman who was accompanying Sougo on what appeared to be a "date." She was a cute one, fluttering with all kinds of chatter as she held a random passerby hostage with her conversation.

The girl seemed normal enough. Maybe she had knives buckled to her thighs or kept a stash of leather and spikes for the night. There had to be something. What the hell would possess her to go anywhere with a man whose only joy in life was running over cats and "accidentally" blowing up state property? Maybe she didn't know- no, that wasn't it. One thing about Okita Sougo was that he didn't care who knew how evil he was, and Gintoki doubted this woman was an exception.

Kagura was right. This was sincerely puzzling.

Wondering if he should retrieve the walkie-talkie again and hop back onboard this stupid mission of theirs, Gintoki studied the woman one last time. Her small smile and cropped blond hair highlighted the flowery designs on her yukata. Even as she strung the skewer of meat that she had purchased from the takoyaki stand, she didn't seem crude. And Gintoki knew all about crude women, one slept in his closet, the other in his ceilings and the last was kind enough to stuff burnt eggs down his throat with the intention of "keeping him healthy." That wasn't even counting the post-menopausal women on the floor beneath his business.

"Crap. I really don't want to do this spying thing anymore. Oi. Give me my coupon."

"Here! Just take it and get out of my face you slop!"

"Thank you," Gin sung as he peeled the paper from the red-faced man who was hanging inches off the ground due the samurai's grip on his shirt. The freeloader set him down and was about to begin investigating when he noticed something familiar through his peripheral vision.

That random passerby she was keeping hostage- was he wearing glasses? Gintoki began to squeeze through the crowd and upon closer inspection it hit him.

"SHINPACHI! YOU'VE DEFECTED!"

Gintoki pointed in shock, realizing that the person so busy chatting with Okita's "date" was none other than his own accomplice!

"Kagura- no, I mean, Sukonbu-chan is going to make you eat your balls- hey, wait…"

Was this just Shinpachi's clever tactic to retrieve his precious CD?

The plot appeared plausible. Rubbing his chin, the samurai was about to take advantage of Shinpachi's distraction to pickpocket the sadist when he realized- where was that guy anyway?

Ah. On the other end of the booth… Wait. Is he- waving at me?

"Why do I feel like I'll regret this?"

Oh hell, I want my Jump.

Giving up on trying to sneak up on the Shinsengumi Captain, Gintoki answered to the odd hand gestures Sougo was trying to coax him in with.

"Yo. Either you're calling me over or you've become epileptic."

Instead of getting offended, it seemed Sougo was eager in getting to the point.

"Here, Danna. Take this."

"What? You're giving me your Jump?"

"Yes. Here."

"No. What have you done to it?"

"Take it before I puncture it with my sword-"

"OKAY!"

Gintoki wasted little time in securing the prized magazine into his shirt.

"Okay, now, what do you want?"

"Go stay with Kuriko-chan until the festival's over because if I hear her say "like" or "totally" one more time, I'm gonna bash her face in."

"Kuriko-chan? Aren't you supposed to be dating her?"

To his surprise, or rather, nothing was surprising to Gintoki at this point, Okita laughed so loudly he had to hold his gut to keep from vomiting his teeth out.

"I got stuck with her. She's the Superior's daughter. Kondo-san is too old, and the Superior didn't want to put her with Hijikata for some reason."

"Ah, so now you're trading her with Jumps and Otsuu CDs?"

"Exactly. I'll pick her up by this booth at ten. Later."

"Wait, you bastard! I didn't say-"

Sougo ran, dust collecting at his heels as he fled from the site as if his life depended on it. Kneading his fingers into his silver hair, the freeloader cringed.

"Shit."

No money. There was no goddamn money left in her pouch- not that it was hers to begin with since Ane-go gave it to her and she ripped it off of Gorilla-san. But still, no money meant no food and for Kagura, that was the beginning to what would end up to be her destroying the next food stand and running away with as many dumplings as she could stuffed into her mouth without choking.

Then there were those two idiots. What in Shogunate's Edo were those two bastards doing? They were supposed to be getting information and passing it to her. Instead, she hadn't heard her walkie-talkie so much as cough for two hours already!

Irritated beyond belief, Kagura stretched, surrendering on her goal to hide and standing outside the bushes she was hiding herself in.

"This is bullshit," the Yato screamed into the electronic before flinging it into the crowd. Someone cursed, but she ignored it.

She was hungry. Dirty. Poor. And she hadn't had a chance to do anything fun during this entire festival. All she did was- was-

Spy on that stupid, brainless, demon-eyed, sadist and for what? To get nothing out of it.

Not her name. How long he knew her. What they were doing. What he- what he liked-

"Bastard!" Kagura yelled again, clenching her fists and feeling the rage seethe her eyes. "I could kick her ass with my toe nails! You're a stupid sadist but I figured you had better taste than that! What the hell is so good about that woman, anyway?"

"Nothing. She annoys the shit out of me."

"What the-"

The girl spun around, her tangerine pigtails floating in the air as she twisted to face the man in question. Staring, blank faced and busying himself with his mp3 sword, Okita Sougo stood before her.

"YOU!"

"China."

"What the hell are you doing here? Where's that chick and wait- d-did you just hear everything I just said?"

There was a pause between them. Kagura fidgeted with her fingers nervously, feeling sweat drip down her temple before the man's mouth pulled into another one of his villainous grins.

"You're dirty. Have you been spending all this time at the animal farm rolling with the pigs?"

"I hate you and I'm leaving!"

"You have some dirt right here-"

Before Kagura could flee back to the Yorozuya office and vent her fury by feeding Sadaharu Gin-chan's and Shinpachi's socks, Sougo closed the distance between them, carefully lifting the very wrist he had recklessly snapped together a long time ago. There was a loose thread hanging from her yukata's sleeve and in one swift movement, the man winded the string around the button of his jacket cuff.

"Oh. Nevermind. It was nothing."

"No! What are you doing? You're gonna rip my sleeve and then Ane-go's really gonna-"

"I'm hungry so I guess I'll get some udon-"

"Oi! Listen to-"

He wasn't listening. He was moving. Very fast. In a suffocated street full of people. In fear of further damaging her outfit, she had no choice but to clamp onto his wrist. Her knees were already dirty, but Pachi could easily clean it later. A rip, however, she would be pushing it.

"I'm only holding your wrist because I don't want my sleeve to rip," she declared, staring at her feet to hide the red in her face.

Sougo didn't answer. He continued to lead, a smirk brewing on his face as he felt his rival's fingers unintentionally slipping into his palm.

"Don't be slow, China."

"Shut up!"

Kagura submitted to the Captain, gradually lifting her face as her panic subsided. To keep from stumbling, she found herself looping her fingers with his, his hand tightening every time she lagged behind. The faces around her became a blur and Kagura looked up at all the toys and games. It wasn't until they were passing the shooting range that he must have felt her hesitation.

They both stopped, their gazes landing on the shooting range before they turned to each other.

"You know, we never got to finish in the last festival."

"Yeah, we still got a score to settle," she agreed.

Sougo hummed, "Bet you can't win with one hand."

Feeling something strange swell inside her chest, the girl smiled confidently, "It's on, Sadist!"

"I only gave you the elephant because my hand slipped on the lever. I wanted the dog."

"It's an ugly elephant anyway," Kagura remarked, holding the toy to her chest while they finished their udon. It took them more than an hour to get here. Not that it was far- just that they kept getting distracted - settling their scores of course.

As the skies darkened and the plum blossoms complimented the festival with their leaflets of mauve. Slurping the last of her noodles, the girl huffed, a content smile on her face as she examined the hand she was holding. She always imagined his hand to be slimy and his fingernails to be cracked, but instead, they were soft and large as they gripped onto her own. She must have really cared about her yukata because she hadn't let go. Not even for a second. And neither had he.

"I'm broke, China. You owe me-"

Sougo's insult stopped short when a set of lips crashed into his, his teeth grinding into hers like nails on a chalkboard. The man yanked back with his knuckles to his bruised mouth. He was probably bleeding.

"What the hell was that? Are you so hungry that you're trying to eat the noodles right out of my mouth?"

Kagura's head sunk, lips beginning to shake and as soon as he felt her wrist tug, Sougo put his udon on the bench.

"Idiot," he pulled her chin back to him, this time at a gentler pace to prevent any dental damage. His damn insurance didn't cover dental.

Capturing her bottom lip between his teeth, he coaxed her closer. Kagura obeyed, her shoulders slinking downward as she nuzzled into him like a bird in it's nest. He smelled spicy, and he was warm. His mouth felt like his hands and he tasted like udon.

When the man pulled away, his mischievous smirk returned. Nothing was said. Sougo was hungry, Kagura was tired, and they'd run out of insults. So he continued to sit by her, finishing his noodles as her eyes began to droop.

The Captain looked at his watch. It was time.

"And then Toushiro-chan was like, 'Idiot. I can't smoke with you in the room,' and I was like, 'Oh my God-' "

"Gin-chan. Shoot me," Shinpachi begged, pulling onto Gintoki's sleeve and wishing Sougo had shot him like he had imagined earlier.

It looked like the samurai felt the same, a bored expression plastered over him.

"We sold our souls to the devil, Shinpachi. Don't worry. It's almost over."

"Yeah, yeah," the brunette swatted a hand, returning his attention to Kuriko-chan who had done nothing but talk about the "like most awesome soap opera on TV" and how Hijikata was "like totally, the best love defender in history."

Gintoki belched, gulping the last of the milkshake he had convinced their "date" to buy before his eyes wandered to the crowds. It was already a quarter to ten and that damned guy should have been around by now.

Narrowing his eyes, he'd thought he had caught a patch of orange. When the fat lady moved away from blocking the bench, the orange head became clear and Gintoki felt his mouth go dry. And then he yanked Shinpachi's collar.

"SHINPACHI! KAGURA'S BEEN KIDNAPPED! WE NEED TO SAVE HER!"

"What? Where?"

Shinpachi spotted their Yorozuya peer, seemingly passed out over Sougo's shoulder. Together the men yelled before they charged.

"GIN-CHAN! He must have drugged her!"

"KAGURAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Hmm? Is it Monday? Wha- where am I?" Kagura shot up, her hand still in his as she was rudely jolted from sleep.

"Oh, no. Will you look what time it is? I have papers to fill out."

"Huh? What?"

Kagura blinked, barely able to focus on Sougo's smile because she was still groggy.

"You owe me, China. I'll be coming to collect my payment."

"What? Payment? I'll give you a payment, you-"

"KAGURAAAAAA!"

At the grating sound of two familiar and obnoxious men roaring, each of them running terminator style and at full speed, Sougo prepared to take off into a sprint.

"Later, China. It was fun."

As she felt the man's fingers unsnap from hers, Kagura felt a wave of panic wash over her.

"W-w-wait- my sleeve is still-"

RIP!

"SOUGO, I'M GONNA KILL YOUUUUUUU!"

~The End~