Title: B&E

Artist/Author: KivaEmber

Character(s)/Pairing(s): Germany, Prussia

Rating: T

Warnings: Swearing, AU themes, breaking and entering, Prussia XD

Summary: AU random oneshot. Gilbert wanted to do a B & E. Ludwig is unwillingly taken along for the ride.

A/N: Blame Dane Cook for this, because I could totally see Prussia doing a B&E with Germany in the background trying to dissuade him XD

Just random crack, really. Enjoy anyway :P

X.x.X

"We looked around; 'No not that house, no, that one feels a little weird' and then I finally saw it: boom. 'That's the house right there, Robert, that's the house I'm doing a B&E.'"

--- Dane Cook

X.x.X

B&E

Ludwig stared incredulously at the phone in his hand, his pen slipping from lax fingers onto his uncompleted paper work as the German attempted to process what his brother just said. The silence was awkward, and after a few minutes Ludwig finally pulled himself together to respond.

"I'm sorry. You want to do what?"

"A B&E!" Gilbert's voice was clear despite the roaring of what sounded like heavy traffic in the background. "I mean, I've always wanted to do something that's, you know, criminal. It'll be fun, I swear it, Bruder! I mean, what's better than breaking into some poor bastard's house?"

Ludwig massaged his forehead with a groan. "Gilbert, you can be prosecuted for breaking and entering. You do know what prosecuted means, right? It means a night in a cell and being given a criminal record that will stop you from getting a respectable job, Idiot!"

"…I'm still doing it, whether or not you're coming, Bruder. But!" Gilbert hastily inputted when it was apparent Ludwig's was going to slam the phone down in disgust. "Think about it. Do you really want me to do a B&E all by myself? I mean, your own brother off into the darkness of the night, possibly climbing into some pervert's house?"

Ludwig deadpanned. "I'm not going to be your accomplice, Gilbert, as it'll be your own fault if you sneak into Francis's house by mistake."

"You'll be real useful, though! I mean, I know you're pretty good at covert stuff, ja?"

"I'm not doing it, Gilbert. Go break into someone's house and get arrested if you want, but just note that I am not paying your bail!" And with that, Ludwig slammed the phone down and released a very heavy sigh. How they were related, he'll never know.

Shaking his head, Ludwig picked up his pen and attempted to focus on his paperwork.

Ten minutes passed and Ludwig hadn't even written a word. Instead he was tapping the paper and glowering at the wall as his mind gnawed over the fact that right this second his brother was probably being carted off to the police station, probably handcuffed and locked up in a cell with some thug who could snap the mouthy albino in half.

Ludwig shook his head again. There was no point worrying over Gilbert. He will get a phone call within the hour from him, argue with his brother, and then Ludwig would have to drive down to the police station and pay for the bail and drive his brother back home where he'd most likely be subjugated to an ungodly amount of whining. What fun.

No sooner had this despairing thought flashed through Ludwig's mind, he heard his front door smash open and Gilbert's cheerful warble of, "Guten Abend, Bruder!" float down his hallway.

"Oh God…" Ludwig groaned, standing up from his desk and walking to his study's open door. Stepping into the hallway, the German scowled when his crazy brother practically lunged at him with excitement, the front door wide open. "Gilbert!"

"Bruder!" Gilbert cackled, and scarlet eyes glittered near manically. "You're not ready, yet? Geeze, you move slow as fuck! C'mon, c'mon, put on your jacket, Langweiler!"

"Gilbert, off!" Ludwig waved his pawing brother away and smoothed out his wrinkled shirt. From the living room, Ludwig could hear one of his dogs bark at the commotion. "What have I told you about making so much noise when entering my house? Do you want to startle my dogs and get bitten again?"

"Pfft, I ain't scared of your mutts." Gilbert scoffed, gracefully ignoring the time where he had practically climbed his younger brother to escape from said 'mutts' in a fit of panic. "Anyway, put on your shoes and jacket and let's go! I wanna get back to my place before early morning, you know!"

Ludwig gave his shorter brother a wary glance. "Where're we going?"

"Man, Ludwig, you need to get your memory checked." Gilbert sighed, rolling his eyes. "We're gonna do a B&E, Idiot! Now hurry up while the night is young and before the poor bastard comes back home from the clubs or whatever!"

"Gilbert…" Ludwig groaned. "I told you I want nothing to do with your criminal activities."

"Oh come on, Ludwig! Don't be a stick in the mud." Gilbert gave Ludwig a playful shove on the shoulder. "Nothing's gonna go wrong. We'll sneak in, mess up the furniture a bit, and then cheese it. Idiotensicher!"

"Forensic science. Have you ever heard of it, brother?"

"I don't believe in it." Gilbert dismissed. "C'mon, don't be such a tight ass. I need someone to drive me, 'cause…" He held up a ring of keys, twirling them around his finger. "I dunno how t' drive yer car, yet."

"Gilbert!" Ludwig hissed, trying to snatch his keys from the kleptomaniac albino and cursed when Gilbert nimbly stepped out of range. "Give me my keys!"

"Go on a B&E with me."

"No, Gil-!" Ludwig growled and massaged his forehead. He could feel a foreboding headache throb between his temples. "It. Is. Illegal. Does that word mean anything to you? Illegal! Meaning we'll be arrested!"

"I know what the word, 'illegal' means, Ludwig. Jesus, I ain't stupid." Gilbert snickered, giving his brother a slight patronising look. "And stop stressing. We won't get caught, alright? Now let's go! Get your shoes and jackets and hurry up!"

X.x.X

Ludwig ended up driving Gilbert around the neighbourhood.

He was doing it under protest, however, and every few minutes he would shoot his brother a vicious, angry glare and mumble something about Gilbert's insanity. Gilbert ignored this with a cheerful grin and would occasionally pat Ludwig's shoulder with a reassurance of; "It'll be fun. Don't worry~!"

"If we do get caught," Ludwig growled, clenching his fingers around the wheel. "I am fully entitled to murder you with my bare hands."

"Sure, sure…" Gilbert murmured distractedly, peering out of the window. "Eeeh…which house, which house…? Too pretty, too lame looking, that one feels too weird- oh! Stop! Stop!"

Ludwig nearly slammed down on the breaks when Gilbert punched him hard in the shoulder. He felt his eye twitch and Ludwig knew that by the end of the night it was mostly likely going to become a permanent tic.

"What." Ludwig gritted out.

"Found it. That house. We're gonna B&E that house."

Ludwig leaned over to peer past his brother's shoulder to get a look at the house they were going to invade. It was a modest house, a small lawn and neat flowerbeds underneath the windows. The driveway was empty and no lights were on. It was safe to assume that it was empty.

"You're really going to do this." Ludwig sighed, slouching back into his seat resignedly.

"Cheer up!" Gilbert grinned. "It'll be fun! Now drive five streets away. We'll go through the gardens to it."

"Why?"

"Duh. Can't have them knowing your licence plate, dumbass."

Ludwig felt his eye twitch again as he drove away from their target. Gilbert noted the number of the house and the street aloud as they turned away from the street, the albino practically wriggling in his seat with excitement.

This was going to be hell.

X.x.X

"Scheiße!" Ludwig cursed, the chain link fence having had torn a hole in his shirt. "This was my favourite shirt!" He groaned, fingering the frayed edges and feeling an irrational sense of despair. His nerves were starting to get shot.

Gilbert, ahead of him and preparing to vault over a short gate into the next garden, looked back with a sneer. "Then you shouldn't have worn your favourite shirt on a fucking B&E! Wear your second favourite shirt, you dunce!"

"I didn't foresee myself participating in the gauntlet of gardens when putting it on!" Ludwig snapped, marching over when Gilbert deftly hopped over the gate. "Give me some warning next time!"

"I did!" Gilbert snickered. "I told you over the phone we were going out!"

Ludwig gave an angry snort but didn't retort, vaulting over the gate as Gilbert hopped down the stone pathway over to the medium height fence and peered over it.

"Target in sight!"

Sighing heavily, Ludwig despondently walked next to Gilbert, looking over at the innocent looking house. "You're not going to do it, are you?"

"I'm doing it."

"Gilbert…" Ludwig groaned, slumping onto the fence and feeling ready to slam his head onto the peeling white painted fence. "Please don't do this. Why would you do this?"

"Because I have to." Gilbert murmured seriously, scarlet eyes fixated upon the house with purpose. "It's a quest…and I'm on it." Then he swung a leg over the fence and vaulted over it, landing on the other side silently.

Ludwig sent a prayer to God before following his brother.

Confidently, Gilbert strolled up the pathway with a swagger, lips curling into an insane grin the closer he got to the door. Ludwig was a sharp contrast; his heart was pounding and his hands felt clammy, and he couldn't help but look over his shoulder as if expecting the owner to suddenly lunge out from the lamppost and chase them away.

Ludwig jumped when he heard a car rumble down the street and grasped Gilbert's arm in a brief fit of panic. "Gilbert!" He hissed warningly. "I hear a car!"

"Man, that's fucking weird. A car driving around at night in a city, hm, how suspicious! Shut up and calm down, scaredycat." Gilbert scoffed, shrugging off his brother and walking the last few steps to stop before the door.

"Something doesn't feel right…" He mused thoughtfully.

Oh thank God, Ludwig thought with hope. He has gained common sense!

"I've got it!" Gilbert suddenly cackled. With a vicious grin, the albino abruptly slammed the heel of his foot into the door. The wood groaned and remained steady, but then Gilbert kicked it a second time and it flew off its hinges, smashing into the darkness of the hallway with a sickeningly loud crack.

Neither of the German brothers moved for a while, Gilbert breathing hard and Ludwig barely breathing. In fact, Ludwig could've passed off as an inanimate statue, his blue eyes wide as he waited for the shout from one of the neighbours of this poor owner. But nothing happened, and Gilbert slowly turned round, his pale face flushed and scarlet eyes feverishly bright.

"Ludwig," He wheezed breathlessly. "I just realised something."

"What?" Ludwig breathed back just as quietly, knowing he was trembling violently.

"I don't want to do a B&E."

Ludwig could've killed his brother there and then if his legs didn't feel about as solid as jelly. "You decided that now?!" He hissed, voice almost breaking.

Gilbert didn't seem to have heard him. "I just wanted to kick a fucking door in!"

"What!?"

Gilbert turned back to look into the house and murmured thoughtfully; "Should I steal something…?"

Having regained full ability over his legs, Ludwig marched over to his brother and grasped the scruff of his neck. Ignoring the indignant yelp, he tugged the albino after him down the drive way. "No! Let's just leave before the owner gets back!"

"B-But, think of the psychological trauma of it, Bruder!" Gilbert protested, flailing in his taller brother's grip. "They expect something to be missing, so if they see that there's nothing gone, they'll get suspicious or forever wonder 'what did he take!?'"

"I think they'd be more concerned over the fact that someone kicked their door in."

"Ah," Gilbert regained his composure, grinning slyly at his jittery brother. "But you have to admit it was fun. Eh? Eh?" And he then he sent a series of prods to the taller man's side with an obnoxious knowing look.

Ludwig did not feel guilty when he forced Gilbert to headbutt the lamppost – hard.

OWARI