Title: The Wise Stay Single
Chapter: Dating for Dummies
Main Pairing: Soul/Maka
Warning(s): ...Just....not for the faint of heart. Bwhahahahah.
Note: No young children were harmed in the making of this parody...thing. (Kid had his mind raped though.)
A/N 1: Pip here! This idea spawned from a fanfic we thought was lacking in the whole 'wedding' thing, then we talked about proposals from hell and well...here we are XD Hope you enjoy!

---

-

--

---

Looking back, it really shouldn't have surprised him that much. Then again the first thing he said was "Hot damn! Can I join?" So his mental capabilities were questionable at best, but really. Even he shouldn't have been that oblivious.

The first sign hadn't exactly been subtle. Who hadn't noticed that something was completely and totally amiss that fateful day?

"Maka?"

"Um... I um..."

"The answer please?"

"the... Himalayas?"

"...This is math class."

...Not her brightest moment. But the point of that Jedi mind trick was to prove a point. Maka Albarn did not waver in her answers, nor did she get questions wrong and she most certainly payed attention to every minute detail of every lecture.

The second sign had been what really caught his attention.

Blair had decided she was bored and had dropped in on them all during lunch, plopping herself snugly between him and Kid, directly across from Soul. "Neh, Soul....that's not your shirt." she said blinking dubiously.

The white haired boy gave her a look."...yeah it is."

BlackStar wasn't the type to notice his best friend's apparel but now that he thought of it..."It is kinda girly man."

"It's plain black, How could it be girly?!"

"It's tight."

"So?"

Blair pursed her lips, trying not to laugh. "No it's not that...I lent that shirt to Maka a couple nights ago."

Now that had red tape all over it.

But what had really sent them all round the bend was when even Kid, yes the man without a hormone, begun to notice. Albeit he interpreted it in the completely wrong way...

"Liz..." said weapon turned in her seat to give her paranoid meister a withering stare, quickly checking to make sure everything on her body was perfectly aligned.

"Yes Kid?"

"Is there something on my back?" Liz blinked, taken off guard by the sudden, unexpected question but briefly scanned the boys back anyway, after all the other ludicrous things he'd come out with in previous times - this was a welcome change.

"No..." she replied cautiously, "should there be?" Kid pursed his lips and seemed to be in deep thought.

"You're sure?" She growled slightly and thumped him on the arm, "I was just checking!" he took 15 minutes smoothing out the new folds in his jacket before continuing with his tale of 'woe', "...Soul is worrying me."

"...Why?" she was going to regret asking, she just knew it.

"Well," he bent toward her but his voice remained obnoxiously loud none-the-less, "Either he's fallen asleep with his eyes open...or Soul has been staring at my butt for the past 2 hours, why is everyone so quiet?"

Maka, who had been sat in front of the boy, slowly died of embarrassment.

So really it was completely provoked when BlackStar began tailing them after school.

Day 1 of BlackStar's Observational Journal of Awesome!

Soul and Maka are idiots. Both of them. They're completely fine and worrying us for nothing. The end. I'm bored. Good Bye.

The idiot had ADHD...It wasn't his fault really! but when Maka came to school with a not so subtle purple bruise just over the juncture between her neck and shoulder he really wished he had more of an attention span.

Needless to say the journal idea was chucked. It made things boring.

The seventeen year old ninja spent the next week losing them before Tsubaki decided that for his own sake (and the safety of others) someone should really accompany him.

Blair however was not exactly who she had in mind.

"Blair..."Maka hissed, giving the elder woman a crippling glare that would make even Medusa wet herself in terror, "why are you naked?"

"Nya?"

"...help...me!" Soul managed to croak, trying to shove the woman off him and look anywhere but at the girl glaring daggers in the doorway.

"And what was that supposed to prove?" Tsubaki almost snarled.

"...Soul needs to lock his windows?" The poor weapon slapped a hand to her forehead and Black Star gave the cat a high five. Of course nobody picked up the fact that said scythe, impossibly, didn't have a nosebleed.

If they had it would have presumably avoided the far worse things to come...

(That or brought about questions concerning his sexuality but details...)

X-x-X

The first person to find out was Tsubaki. Not because of her keen observation skills, not because of her awareness of all things lovey dovey, and most certainly not by accident.

She was just a good person.

And BlackStar always said that was going to bite her in the ass one day. So much for that!

She found out because Soul was in the doghouse.

Not really his brightest moment coming to her shared apartment with BlackStar but the poor boy was going into withdrawal, she couldn't really blame him.

He at least had the prescence of mind to ask her to lock the door behind him, so that was a good thing.

The moment the door was locked and ever nook and cranny of the apartment was safely BlackStar free Soul returned to his normal cool guy attitude, which was fine with her really.

He wasn't some lame shojou manga cliche. He didn't blush, he didn't look away nervously, he most definitely didn't smile goofily either...That might have actually scared a few people. He just shoved his hands deep into his pockets, scowled a bit and asked her how the hell he could get Maka to stop being an idiot and forgive him.

Kid, Patty and Liz were next.

They'd decided to drop in on the unsuspecting pair bright and early to get a resonance training session going to keep from getting rusty.

Maka yawned as she opened the door, her hair disheveled, sleep still in her half open eyes and a far too large for her T-shirt (the one a certain weapon had been wearing the night before) hanging off her thin shoulder.

The trio looked her up and down from her completely bare legs to her suddenly alert and all together nauseous looking expression.

Kid leaped for her, "Your pigtails are uneven." he complained, not liking that his one symmetrical companion other than his weapons was out of sorts.

"THATS WHAT YOU NOTICE?!"

Of course things, if you can believe, only got worse from there.

Due to Soul and Maka's sudden lack of interaction with the rest of their little group/cult/sect/therapy session organized an evening to watch a movie round Kid's house for some quality bonding/angry glaring/questioning time.

Soul could feel the heated stares of Liz and Patty on the back of his neck, well...mostly Liz as Patty was to busy molding a giraffe out of the popcorn.

Yawning he stretched his arms out and draped them round the shoulders of his 'secret' girlfriend (of sorts, they hadn't actually agreed to go out yet...). Maka's shoulders tensed and Soul smirked, using his other hand to grip hers, she squeaked slightly and Soul was relieved that the others were mostly to involved in the film to even bother to care.

He nuzzled his head into the crook of Maka's neck and quickly stole a kiss, the light's flicked on.

"...Soul?" the weapon blinked and looked to his other side to see a very confused Maka and with growing dread he turned back round to face his victim.

"Oh god..." Soul and Kid stared at each other for a grand total of 3 seconds before the scythe span around and promptly began slamming his head off the coffee table, Kid twitched.

"Actions not valid, searching for response...system reboot...processing...processing..." Patty giggled and poked her meister.

"We broke Kid!" Soul tried not to heave and Blair handed the tape to Black Star, Internet fame here they come...

X-x-X

But they finally came out of the closet to everyone about a day later. And I mean that literally.

Maka was walking down the hall, minding her own business when suddenly she was yanked by the arm into something hard. She tried to scream but a large warm hand clamped over her mouth.

She found herself in a scarcely illuminated janitorial closet with Soul. "What the hell?!"

"You're pissed at me again," he growled, "And it's so uncool not to tell me why."

"I don't have to tell you anything."

"Why the hell not?"

"You treat me like a friend." She turned away and crossed her arms over her chest.

He gave her a flat look, "how the hell can what we do be construed as friendship?"

"Since we're freaking friends with benefits!"

This time his face morphed into a cross between wanting to vomit and a seizure. "We are?"

"Apparently!"

"As far as I'm concerned, no!"

"As far as you've shown, yes!"

"FINE! Will you go out with me?!" He backed her against the wall.

"FINE!" she shouted in his face.

"FINE!" They're noses touched.

"...."

The cupboard door opened with a loud bang. "Hot damn, can I join?"

A/N 2.3: And that concludes part 1 of 4 of the Wise Stay Single! Oh the wonders of insanity.

By this point I'd make a 'Nanny' reference but I'm full of Cold and Sinus Tylenol so I'm exhausted.

We love you guys!

-Sierra