Author's Note:

This is my take on Edward's version of the some of the events that take place in Stephenie Meyer's New Moon. It is a retelling of large portions of the book, albeit from Edward's POV. All dialogue and conversations from New Moon for which both Edward and Bella are present, have been faithfully incorporated exactly the way they appear in Stephenie's brilliant work of fiction.

As I wrote, I leaned on scenes and emotions depicted in Twilight, New Moon and Midnight Sun (the 12 chapter Stephenie published on her website. Yes, I read them.), as well as outtakes and extras she has posted on her site in my attempt to understand what is going on in that boy's head. Anything in my story that appears as such in either novel, or on items posted on her website, are exclusively owned by Stephenie Meyer.

This very first chapter is called GRIEF. It begins after Rosalie's fateful phone call, and Edward's call to Bella's house, confirming (or so he thinks) that Bella is dead. I tried to convey Edward's state of mind after that call. His immediate actions following that call, his irrational behaviour, are colored by the unbearable grief he is experiencing. He has never experienced this kind of pain. The girl he loves, his soulmate, is dead. Edward is absolutely devastated. As depicted by Stephenie in New Moon, he already has a contingency plan in place. He will go to Italy and do something that will provoke the Volturi into killing him.

Please, let's all be clear on this: All rights to the Twilight series, the books, the characters are exclusively owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. I have nothing but the utmost respect for this brilliant writer, whose amazing stories have completely and irrevocably sucked me into the Twilight Universe.

Comments and reviews are welcome and appreciated. Further chapters may follow. Thank you for your interest.

1. Grief

The extraordinary force of the sudden pain stunned me. It was all-consuming. Unbearable grief and despair expanded through my frozen stone body and threatened to completely overwhelm my mind. No. Oh no. Oh, please, no! This could not be true. Bella was dead. Bella was dead. My breathing turned into ragged gasps. No. No. NO!! Please, no, oh no!

A small part of my mind registered the cell phone hitting the attic floor. I started to shake uncontrollably. Screaming reached my ear.

Had someone discovered me? I quickly searched around for any thoughts that pertained to me. Nothing. It took me a moment to realize that I was the one screaming. Agony. Such unbelievable agony. I clenched my jaw and shut off the sound coming from my lips.

Bella – my love, my reason for existing, was dead. My mind refused to believe the truth of what of what I had just heard. This couldn't be true. What had led Bella to kill herself? What had happened to her that would lead her to throw herself off a cliff? She had promised me to take care of herself, to do nothing reckless, nothing stupid. She had promised.

It had been over six months since I left her, since I left behind the only sanctuary of my hideous half-life. The biggest self-sacrifice I had ever made.

"I can deal with the pain. Bella deserves better", I had convinced myself. Life would be safe for Bella if I removed myself from her world.

Besides, I was convinced that my love for her was so much stronger than her love for me. After all, my feelings for her had built up for almost a century. A century of waiting for her. I had thought that if I left, she would soon be happy again. I had hoped that if I could convince her that I had moved on, so would she, finding happiness in her human world. She should be happy. She deserved happiness, free from the constant risk, from the ever-present danger of my world.

As I tried to wrap my head around the truth of Rosalie's news, I returned to the afternoon in the woods behind her father's house. The day I had forced myself to tell her I didn't love her anymore. To tell her that I didn't want her to come with me. That she wasn't good for me. Lies, nothing but desperate lies.

But I had to do it, I knew that, because nothing mattered more than that she have a chance at a normal, happy life. A life in which vampires didn't exist. It had felt like it would surely kill me to do it, but what choice did I have? I couldn't condemn her to share this half-life of mine, become one of the eternally damned. I couldn't destroy her soul.

And now she was dead. Had she not moved on, like I thought she would? Had my assessment of her feelings, my assumptions been incorrect?

I considered that. I knew human nature. Their minds, their feelings changed all the time. Nothing I had ever heard in any of their thoughts had given me any inclination to believe differently. Humans were predictable.

With the exception of Bella. She never did what I expected. I definitely hadn't expected this...for her to take her own life.

Of course, I had never been able to hear Bella's mind, but how different could her feelings be from the rest of the human race?

My mind was spinning in circles. I couldn't make sense of what had happened.

My eyes closed, and her smiling face appeared again in my mind's eye. Every second I had spent away from her in the last six months, I had seen her face behind my lids.

It was pure torture now. My leaving her hadn't given her the peace she deserved. My leaving her hadn't forced her back on the path I had envisioned for her – a long, happy, human life, without any interference from me, or my family.

I cursed my wretched existence. My being a repulsive monster, destined to love her forever, and destined to live without her. She hadn't been happy, it seemed. Could it be true, then? Could Bella have loved me more than I had thought, more than I had even considered? Had I made a horrendous mistake in judgment?

I was shaking again. Possible, I decided. Definitely possible. That her feelings for me ran deeper, were stronger that those of a normal human. That she had loved me as much as I loved her. That she had been so devastated by my absence, she had chosen to end her own life.

I choked down another scream. What had I done?

She had been too good for me. I had always known that, though I hadn't been strong enough to stay away from her. But the grim episode with Jasper on her birthday, my worst fears realized, had finally given me the strength to leave her. I had not deserved her. She was too good for me, too good for the despicable monster I was. I deserved her even less now. My head was spinning.

Bella was dead. It was my fault.

Accepting this truth was creating a whole new depth to the anguish I was already experiencing.

I knew already what I was going to do now. I never had planned on outliving her for long.

I had to get moving. I had to get myself to Italy. I needed this unbearable torture, this excruciating pain to end. I needed to stop this unimaginable agony. Bella was dead.

I slowly got up, mindlessly grabbing the phone off the floor, and crawled out of the open roof top window out onto the roof. Portuguese words floated up to me. It was dark outside. Lights shimmered in the streets below. I looked around, oddly disoriented for a moment. Where was I? Oh right. Rio. That was convenient. There was an airport nearby.

Complete and utter despair clawed at the hole in my chest, my silent heart no longer in place. I had left it behind the day I said goodbye to Bella. I had promised her a life free of reminders, but I hadn't been able to help myself. As I had put the pictures and the CD under the floorboards in her room, my long-frozen heart had stayed there as well. Leaving only a gaping, ragged hole where it used to be. Hollow.

I jumped off the roof and hit the ground running. I needed to get to the airport.

I noticed the phone in my hand. Well, I didn't need that anymore now. I flipped it into a nearby trash can and kept running.

Briefly, I thought of my family. I hadn't spoken to Carlisle or Esme in a few weeks. There was nothing to say. Without Bella, misery had been my life, day after day. Ever since that day in the woods, when I had spoken the words I now wished I could take back. If only I hadn't left her. If only I wasn't such a sickening, disgusting monster.

I thought back to her last birthday. To the split second when she had cut open her finger on the wrapping paper, the small drop of blood, to the immediate and blind need in Jasper's mind. All I could do was react faster than he could get to her, to push her out of Jasper's grasp, to keep him away from her. I had saved her from certain death, but injured her nonetheless. It had been that catalyst for my decision. I had realized in that moment that I could not, would not expose her to the constant danger any longer. Could no longer allow that she risked her life every minute she spent with me.

While Carlisle had tended to Bella's injuries, a plan had begun to form in my mind.

Afterwards, I had taken Bella home and spent the night in her room. We had opened the remaining presents. We had argued. Bella saw that I was upset, but didn't understand why I was wallowing. She said it was no big deal. I was seething at that. Of course it was a big deal. It was a huge deal. It had changed my entire perspective, and had been an explicit reminder that she was human and I was... not.

I kept my face as smooth as I could, wrestling with the feelings of guilt and pain inside me.

Eventually, Bella had fallen asleep. I had stayed with her that night, the last night I was to spend in her room, all the while thinking about right and wrong, hammering out the details of what I knew I had to do. The selfish part of me didn't want to leave. As I watched her sleep next to me, I gently, carefully stroked her face, committing to memory the texture of it, feeling the warmth she always radiated. I was steeling myself for what I knew would come. Pain. Misery. Anguish. I hadn't quite figured out yet how I would be able to let her go, but I also knew I had to. Of course, leaving her didn't mean I would stop loving her. The love I felt for the sleeping girl beside me, her arm wrapped in gauze, for an injury I had caused, was permanent and irrevocable. Nothing would ever cause me to stop loving her. Not even my own death.

Despair had spread through me. How was I going to do this? Perhaps, there was another way... No. There wasn't. She had a right to a happy, human life.

In the morning, after I left Bella's room to get ready for school, I had laid out my intentions to my family.

"We are leaving", I had told them. "I can't do this anymore. It will be better for Bella if I take myself, and all of you, out of her world."

"Edward, are you sure you want to do this?", Carlisle had asked me with a worried face. "I know what happened is not her fault, but is leaving really necessary?"

"Yes, it is", I had replied. "What happened last night has convinced me that our life is not for her. If we leave, she will move on with her life. Fall in love again. Stay human.

"I know what you believe, Carlisle, but you know I am not sure you're right. I cannot doom her soul, I cannot take her life away like that. I can't." I almost sobbed the words.

Esme's face was drawn. "But what will you do, Edward, without Bella? She is your whole life."

She was, but I would live without her. Bella was more important than my selfish needs.

Jasper was upset. He hated feeling so weak. "I'm sorry, Edward. I'm sorry I lost it last night. I'm sorry. I will keep a distance if you think that'll help."

"Edward, you are completely overreacting.", Alice said contemptuously. "Besides, what is the point of leaving? You won't be able to stay away from her for long anyway. You need her. You know that."

"Yes, I will", I had snarled at her. "I will, for her". I had to – didn't Alice understand that? Bella was too good for me. I owed it to her. She deserved a long, happy life. Even if that meant my life would become an endless ocean of pain. I loved her, so I had to leave her.

"Oh, really?"Alice had shouted at me in her head. "Your efforts are doomed, Edward. You will fold eventually. You won't be able to take the pain. You're wrong on another point, too. I don't think Bella will forget you. I don't think that leaving her will change anything. See what I see, Edward."

I had ignored her. She was wrong. She had to be.

"I have to get to school. We can talk more about it later, if you wish, but I won't change my mind.

"Also, Alice – I would prefer if you didn't come to school today. Stay here with Jasper."

"Please, Edward, at least let me say goodbye." Alice pleaded with me.

"Don't do this to me. You know I love her, too. Please, Edward?"

I shook my head. "No. We're doing this my way."

After school, we had finalized our departure plans. My family had spent the morning packing what they would take with them. Carlisle had phoned Tanya's family. They had made arrangements to stay in Denali for a little while.

"Please, I am asking for your promise that you will leave Bella alone. Alice, you especially. Don't be looking for her future, either. Don't interfere with her life. Promise me. Swear it". I had looked at all of them, finally glaring at Alice. "Don't check on her, Alice," I warned her again.

She had nodded grudgingly. "Fine, then. I promise I will stay away from Bella as long as you do."

"It won't be for long", she had thought. "You won't be able to stand it. You'll come back. You'll miss her too much. You'll see..."

Carlisle had met my eyes with concern and sadness. "I am so sorry for your suffering, Edward. You don't deserve this, but I understand your decision.", he'd thought. "Don't worry about us, I'll make sure we will all follow your lead. How I wish there was another way..."

I had known there wasn't. As did he.

"Thank you. I will stay behind for a few days to say good-bye. I will meet you afterwards."

I had gone up to my room to get ready, preparing myself mentally for what had to come. Life without Bella. I didn't need anything but the one thing I wouldn't be able to take with me. Love and happiness was forever out of my grasp.

The flashing lights of the airport runways brought me back to the present. Reaching the terminal, I slowed and entered through a set of double doors. International departures was on the 2nd floor. I walked up to the counter and purchased a one-way ticket to Rome, though that would not be my final destination. However, there were no flights going into Volterra. There was no airport in the city the Volturi had held for a few millennia.

On the plane, all my thoughts revolved around Bella, and I shook my head curtly at the flight attendants when they offered me a drink. My facial expressions were such that they stayed away from me after that. I closed my mind to their thoughts. After we were in the air, I kept my eyes shut, pretending to sleep, and wished for the millionth time that I could dream. I wanted to dream of Bella. I wanted to dream of my time with her, a time that was forever in the past.

My mind remembered every minute of our time together, from the first moment I met her in that classroom full of children. The sweetest blood I had ever smelled. The flash burn that had flamed down my throat. Struggling to resist the urge to kill her right there. The monster inside me, fighting my conscience, thinking of all the different ways to get what it wanted. I would have welcomed the burn now. It would mean she was still alive. I shuddered. What I wouldn't give to see her once more.

I thought of the first night I had spent in her room. Inexplicable yearning to see her face had put me outside her window. Raging curiosity had made me enter her room. Bella talked in her sleep.

I had fought hard against the inevitable. Falling in love with her. Alice had been right. I was not strong enough. Then, while I watched Bella sleep, she had sighed my name in her dreams. The feelings that washed over me then were unrecognizable. They had pulled me under, and when I finally resurfaced, I was forever altered. It was staggering. Love for the sleeping girl in front of me had settled into every cell in my frozen body.

I had realized that night, that despite my plans to the contrary, despite fighting against it as obstinately as I might, I loved this fragile, human girl, loved her desperately.

The drive home from Port Angeles when it became apparent that she knew the truth about me. My fears that she would hate me. Fears that weren't realized. Our afternoon in the meadow, when I had hesitantly swallowed all my fears and let her see me the way I truly was. When I had found out that I was strong enough not to kill her. My utter elation when I realized she loved me too. My immediate hate for myself following that realization. What would this cost her?

The excitement of first love. The contradicting feelings of the thirst for her blood and the hunger for her kisses, a hunger that was so unfamiliar to me. Our first kiss, when I found out that I was strong enough to be that close to her.

Seeing her beautiful face behind my closed lids, her sweet blush, her mouth... – I would never be able to kiss her again, nevermore feel her warm lips on mine. Guilt and despair washed through me again. She was gone.

I wanted, no, needed, to have my life end as well. There must be oblivion, an end to this never-ending pain. I would do whatever it took to reach this goal. I didn't want to live in a world where she didn't exist. I couldn't. I wouldn't. My grief overtook me again. I wanted to cry. Just once. To be able to shed a tear for the love I had lost.

I considered my options. What could I do to provoke a reaction from the Volturi?

A killing spree through the city. They would certainly take me down if I started murdering the humans that lived in oblivious proximity to the vampires they no longer believed existed.

No. I thought of Bella. Killing humans was not the answer. I did not want to be a monster, not even now.

Attack the Volturi guard. Unprovoked. They'd be all over me in a split second, ripping my body to pieces. I grimaced.

Yes, definitely possible.

Death had to come, one way or another. I would find a way...

Perhaps, I could just ask. Ask them to kill me. Ask to die.

I settled on this latest idea as my first plan of action.

When the plane arrived in Rome, it was early in the evening. In the dark airport parking lot, I quietly stole a car, and began the final leg of my journey to the oblivion I was so desperately after.

I truly hated myself. It was my fault that Bella was dead. I never was able to do anything right by her. I should have left after the accident when she was almost crushed to death in front of me. Weakness and selfishness had kept me in Forks. She was so fascinating, intriguing, the hidden processes of her silent mind simply baffling. So many secret thoughts in her beautiful head that now I would never know. Pain shot through me again. If only I hadn't... – but that path was closed to me now. There was no point in thinking of what might have been.

Bella was dead. What had I done?

Oblivion – that was the only thing that would save me now. My body burned to ash, even though I knew that in itself was no guarantee. Would I still exist in some form or other? Carlisle seemed to think so. Well, even if there was another plane of existence for me after the Volturi were finished with me, I hoped it would only be what I deserved. I deserved to die and burn in hell forever for causing Bella's death. I drove faster, speeding through the dark landscape, to sooner end my journey.

It was early evening when I drove up the winding streets towards Volterra. I abandoned the car outside the city gates, and made my way to the Volturi castle.

Again and again, the crippling agony and utter despair threatened to overwhelm me. The pain was unbearable. There was no escape for me but the one I would ask the Volturi for.

Inside Volterra, I made my way silently through the narrow streets and quickly arrived at the ancient stone building. I looked up at the silent walls of the Volturi realm. The ruling class. Royalty. The keepers of the secret. Humans were not allowed to know that vampires existed, and the Volturi routinely wiped out any threat of exposure. Which was why I had come here.

I thought of my family for a moment. Alice would have seen my decision, of course. But Alice was still in Forks, I supposed, comforting Charlie after Bella's death... He must be devastated.

Would my family follow me to Italy and try to stop me, try to prevent my death? That was plausible. I would have to act quickly, before they could get here, then. I didn't want Emmett and Jasper here. If the Volturi agreed to do what I asked, there would be a fight if my brothers were around when it happened. I didn't want their death on my conscience too. I hoped that Carlisle would prevent them from coming after me. He knew that I knew that sneaking up on me was impossible. If I heard them anywhere close, I would just act that much faster. They wouldn't be able to stop me.

I was too consumed with pain and guilt to linger for long on that train of thought.

It was time to find out if the Volturi were going to be amenable to giving me what I wanted. I doubted they had ever dealt with a request like mine. "Obviously, there aren't a lot of suicidal vampires", I grimly thought to myself.

I entered the Volturi's castle through the main doors at the street level, and found myself in a lobby, with elevators to my left. I quickly stepped into one of the elevators and pressed the button for the 2nd floor reception. The elevator ride was short, and I ended up in a tastefully decorated, wide open space. A human woman stood at a counter-high desk in the middle of the room. A human? I wondered briefly what a human would be doing here. Was this part of the Volturi charade?

"Hello, gorgeous", her mind shouted at me. "Hush, Gianna," she scolded herself, "keep it professional." I suppressed a grimace. How silly most humans were.

"Good evening. How may I help you?" she asked me.

"Good evening," I responded politely. "My name is Edward Cullen. I would like to speak with Aro, if possible."

"Just a moment, please," the woman informed me, while she pressed a button on her desk. A deep voice came through the speaker. "Yes?"

"I have a Mr. Edward Cullen here to see Aro."

"Just a moment," the voice answered. A second later, a door opened at the end of the room, and a large vampire entered the room. He was covered in a dark gray cloak, thus identifying him as one of the Volturi guard. Gianna was not surprised. She knew exactly what was going on. She had recognized me for what I was, and she was perfectly aware of the fact that she was working for vampires. She hoped that they would make her one of them. Ridiculous! I paid no further attention to her.

"Hmm," the approaching vampire thought. "He doesn't look well . He almost looks like he's in pain. I

"Welcome to Volterra," he said. "I am Demetri." He shook my hand. "The Masters are looking forward to meeting you. Please follow me."

I turned my focus to how I would present my request to the Volturi.

Carlisle had spent a few decades with them long ago. Aro was fond of him. That would perhaps complicate things.

I followed Demetri quietly. He led me down a corridor to another set of elevators, took us to the 3rd floor, and proceeded down another hallway. Halfway down, he removed a wooden panel, and revealed a hidden door. He held it open for me, as I ducked through. We ended up in a large stone room.

They were waiting for me. Aro, Marcus and Caius.

Some of the guard were scattered throughout the room. Two small immortals stood off to the side, holding hands. Jane and Alec. The jewels in Aro's collection.

"Welcome to Volterra, friend Edward", Aro addressed me. "How very delightful to meet you."

He motioned to his left and right. "Allow me to introduce my brothers, Marcus and Caius."

I nodded towards them.

"What can we do for you?"

"Thank you for seeing me," I responded. I was beginning to feel a little impatient – I just wanted to get this whole thing over with.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you all," I kept up the polite conversation. "Carlisle has told me much about you, and his time here. I have heard the stories many times."

"My old friend Carlisle? Why, this is wonderful! I had so hoped to find out if he ever found anyone to share his peculiar vision and his unorthodox lifestyle."

"You know Carlisle?", Aro asked me, his tone almost joyful. "Yes", I replied, struggling to keep my voice polite. "I have been living with him for almost a century. However, I'm not here at Carlisle's request. I came here to I ask a favor of you."

"A favor? This should be interesting," Aro thought.

Long ago, Carlisle had told me the stories of his time in Italy. He had lived with the Volturi for a few decades. They were very refined, genteel, but scoffed at his choice of what they considered to be an unnatural food source, trying to convince him to convert to their lifestyle. Eventually, Carlisle had left. Two of the ancients, Aro and Marcus, also had special talents.

I didn't say anything.

Aro was determined to fill the silence with further small talk. "Have you perhaps met Jane and Alec?" he asked, gesturing to the two smallish figures hovering nearby.

I understood the respect and deference for Jane and Alec that I heard around me. They both had formidable offensive gifts. Senior members of the guard, they were held in high regard, and usually led the punishing expeditions. The ancients didn't often leave Volterra. But Jane was also cruel with her gift, and enjoyed inflicting pain on others.

"No, I don't believe I have," I said, still clinging to civility. I nodded towards them. "I am pleased to meet you both."

"Well, young Edward – what is the favor you came to ask of us?", Aro returned to the reason for my presence.

I decided quickly to be direct. "Kill me, please," I said, looking straight at him. "I want to die."

He recoiled slightly; my request had offended him.

"Die?", he asked in a shocked voice. "But – why?"

Aro extended his hand towards me. I hesitated. I had hoped to avoid physical contact, but there was no way around it.

Aro didn't hesitate. He took my hand in his and his shoulders bowed slightly in the onslaught of information from my head. I stood there, perfectly motionless. Now that he had made a physical connection, Aro was able to read my thoughts. He saw all my thoughts – everything my mind had ever thought, and everything I had ever heard in the thoughts of everyone around me. That was his talent. A powerful gift, much grander than mine.

Aro flipped through the memories of my life with Carlisle and my family. He saw Esme, Alice and her unique gift, her extraordinary visions, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett.

He saw Bella in my memories. Every single thought I ever had about Bella, my struggles against the temptation of her blood, my love for her, our kisses, the sanctuary of her room where I held her every night, watched her sleeping in my arms. He saw me leaving her that day in the woods, saw the absolute misery that had been my life for the past six months, saw Rosalie's call revealing Bella's death, and the confirmation of that revelation when I had called Bella's house. He saw the hopelessness, the guilt and the anguish I had lived through in the last 24 hours, and he saw why I had asked to die.

In return, I heard his responses to everything he took from me. Sudden thirst when he saw how strongly Bella's blood had appealed to the monster inside me, joy when he saw my memories of Carlisle, disbelief that Carlisle had found others who shared his vision, of the lifestyle he had created for himself. Envy at the size of my family, desire to root out the competition. Aro's thoughts turned to greed when he saw my talent, when he took my memories of Alice.

He couldn't understand the love I felt for Bella. He had never experienced or seen anything like it. In his view, humans were not objects of love and devotion, they were a food source. He shook his head slightly.

He would not give me what I so desperately wanted. His mind was already made up. I pulled back my hand.

Aro looked at me. "Your request is highly unusual, young Edward. I don't believe anyone has ever asked this of us. We will have to think on it. If you would please excuse us, I'd like to confer with my brothers for a moment."

I nodded. Aro, Marcus and Caius disappeared through a door in the far corner. I stood motionless, rooted to the floor, listening.

Aro quickly shared what he had taken from me. He was intrigued by my talent, and thought that I would make an excellent addition to their guard. Caius agreed, though not for the same reason. Marcus didn't care either way. Nothing held much interest for him. After a short discussion, the decision was made to deny my request and offer me a place among the guard instead.

They returned to the room. "We all are terribly sorry for your tragic loss, young friend, but we cannot grant you this wish", Aro said, an indulgent smile on his lips.

I lost my grip on civility. "Why not? Why won't you? Why do you care if I live or die?", I demanded angrily, glaring at him.

"I'm afraid it would be offensive to our friend Carlisle", Aro explained, pulling his features into a look of concern. Despair was raging in my chest. "Just kill me. Please!", I spit the words through my teeth. "I'm begging you. I want to DIE!", I shouted the last word at him. Eternal eyes stared at me in disbelief. The guard moved closer, ready to protect the ancients from attack if I but made a hint of a move towards them.

"I am sorry, Edward", Aro continued, smiling wistfully. "It would be wasteful to end your life, such a terrible pity to lose your impressive talent. Are you certain this is what you want? Perhaps there is a possibility for a happy ending?"

My breath escaped in a low hiss. "No, Aro. There is not", I replied, hanging my head in defeat.

"All may not be as it seems, young friend. Don't despair. Perhaps... - would you consider joining our little company instead?" he said and waved his arm around the room. "You'd never have to think of the human girl again. I can assure you - you'd find working with us very distracting." He smiled at me indulgently. Clearly, he did not understand that nothing would ever make me stop loving Bella. Only my death would do that. Possibly not even that.

Abruptly, I was furious. "You must be joking", I exploded at him. "I came here, asking to die, and you feel that offering me a place amongst your guard would cure me of that desire? I don't think so!

"I don't want to join you,"I growled the words. "I want to die. What does it even matter to you if I exist or not?"

"Of course, it matters, young friend", Aro said in a consoling voice. He was disturbed by my explosive words. I unclenched my teeth. "There are other ways," I thought.

I tried to regain control over myself. Aro observed my internal struggles with curious eyes. He had seen my determination.

"I appreciate the offer", I forced the words out. I looked at the trio of ancient vampires in front of me. The guard was watching me carefully.

"But I don't think so. Thank you for considering my request." I started to turn away from them. I was certain they would let me leave. Aro's desire to own me had assured me of that, at least. He would do nothing to end my life unless he absolutely had to, in order to protect the secret of our existence. He could afford patience, hoping I would change my mind.

I inclined my head towards him. "Perhaps we will meet again."

"I am sorry to hear your decision, young friend.", Aro smiled at me. His thoughts were looking ahead. "He will try to force our hand. It's a pity, really. I don't want to destroy him..."

Marcus and Caius were already leaving the room, no longer interested. Aro continued to look at me with regret.

"Goodbye for now, Edward. It was our pleasure meeting you. One day, perhaps, you will find that we made the right decision." With one last look at me, he swiftly turned and drifted away after his brothers. Some of the guard moved with him, some of them staying, still staring at me incredulously.

I ducked out of the room the way I had come. Demetri hurried after me, following me through the corridors, down the elevators to the first floor. At the door to the street, he touched my shoulder. I shrugged him off.

"What a fool",he mused to himself. "Goodbye now, Edward", he said.

Without a word, I turned away, walking up the street towards the city center. I had known that asking the Volturi would be a long shot, but there were other options open to me. Which should I choose? Which one of my plans would guarantee me a reaction from the Volturi? I walked aimlessly for over an hour, considering the different ways I could force their hand.

Volterra was entirely in the hands of the Volturi. The ancient vampires and their wives usually never left the city, and hunting inside Volterra was strictly forbidden. Their food source was routinely brought in from the outside, often from quite far away. It kept the guard occupied.

I made my decision. I would go hunting. In Volterra. That ought to do it.

I thought about what it would feel like when they killed me, but I was certain that nothing, not even burning to ash, could be any worse than the agony I had been living with since I left Bella, and the utter despair and all-consuming grief that had been my constant companion ever since Rosalie's news.

I shook my head slowly. No! What was I thinking? I could not hunt a human. I would not become a killer again. Bella would never forgive me for that, and I would deserve her even less. But Bella was dead, gone from me forever, and I was going to hell anyway. What did it matter if I killed a human now? The Volturi would take me down. My pain would end.

Yes. I would go hunting.

I silently scaled up the stone walls and drifted across the rooftops. The humans in Volterra were sleeping, for the most part. Their disjointed dreams drifted around me as I searched for an unfortunate victim. Any human would do. Other creatures, animals, were also hunting. As soon as they could smell me, their bodies stiffened in fear, and disappeared as quickly as they could. I sensed a small contingent of the guard around me. Good. They were following.

"Best make haste, I'm already running late. So much to do this morning." There was a human now, hurrying up the street. I momentarily felt sorry for this innocent, who would lose his life so I that could end mine. The moment passed. I let my instincts take over.

He was only a few hundred feet away. A distance I could span in seconds. I silently jumped off the roof. The guard stayed close behind me. I crouched, ready to attack. The human was still headed my way. Coming closer. Almost there...No. No! Carlisle's gentle face appeared before my eyes. Carlisle, who had been my father for so long. I didn't want to disappoint him this way.

But I was determined to achieve my goal. It wasn't like I hadn't killed before. During those few years when I had rebelled against Carlisle's rules, I had killed a lot of humans. The evil ones. The human predators, though they were no more human than I was.

I could do it. I had to do it.

No. No. No. No. I shook my head. I couldn't. Bella deserved better than that. I didn't want to be this soulless monster. Bella, smiling at me in our meadow. Bella, her arms wrapped around me. Bella...

The insane grief of never seeing her lovely face again, never again being able to touch her warm skin, overwhelmed me. Even though she would never know otherwise, I couldn't kill this human. I quickly straightened out of my crouch, turned around and, with my head bowed in shame, I walked away.

The guard Aro had sent, followed at a distance. Obviously, they weren't going to leave me alone for a second now. They were certain I would try to do something. They had been given specific instructions.

I ended up in the main square, in the center of the city. Large, open, with the old clock tower off to one side. The Piazza dei Priori ... – now there was an idea. Yes! That was it. Simple. Easy. Brilliant. I almost smiled.

Soon, very soon, the city streets would be full of humans. There would be throngs of them in the large plaza, with the wide, square fountain in the middle. It would allow for the biggest possible audience. Let them all watch me. It would be a spectacle they would never forget. Perfect.

I would walk out into the sun. Glistening. Sparkling. Like the freak I was. Well, likely the Volturi wouldn't let me get this far. Alright, that would be my plan.

I just had to kill some time now before it was my time to be killed. I almost laughed at the irony of that.