CHAPTER 1 THE WAY IT FEELS

Joey inched her way into Charlie's bedroom, careful not to be too hasty. Charlie sat on the edge of her bed, tears staining her face. The day's mascara had smudged across her cheeks and trickled down her face like charcoal being caught in the rain.

"Charlie?" Joey's voice was almost a whisper.

There was no answer. Charlie wanted to tell her to leave but deep down she knew she wanted her to stay.

"Are you okay?" Joey took a few steps closer until she was within reaching distance. She longed to feel Charlie's skin and almost reached out to touch her before realising it was not the time.

"I'm fine." It was the most un-convincing statement Joey had ever heard but she didn't protest against it.

"We were going to talk. You didn't show up for lunch."

The night was getting on and Charlie had been through a long day. Not just at work but with a collection of thoughts and feelings racing around in her head. She wasn't ready to talk and wished Joey would lay off.

"It's been a long day, Joey. Can we do this tomorrow?"

"Can you stop avoiding me?" Joey snapped and then instantly regretted it. "I just need to know where I stand."

Charlie turned her head so she had Joey in full view. The first time she'd looked at her and Joey immediately saw the state she was in.

"I'm confused…" Charlie confessed, knowing full well that this was not an excuse.

"You're confused? What about me? I don't know what the hell is going on in your head because you won't let me in! You won't give me anything!" Joey didn't realise her voice raise but this time she didn't care. She was sick of always being shunned whenever she wanted to talk. She just wanted to understand. To know what was happening and where she stood in it all.

"That's because I'm ashamed!" Charlie admitted and then wished she could take it back. She wasn't ready to admit anything. That one statement seemed to reveal so much that Charlie almost felt like her heart was sitting on the bed next to her. Exposed and obvious.

Joey sat down beside her, close enough so that they were touching. Charlie knew the exuberance she felt was wrong but she didn't want to move.

Joey leant forward and looked Charlie in the eyes. She slid her hand onto Charlie's thigh and gave a little smile. "It's okay."

The tone and support that one little sentence held was almost convincing enough for Charlie. She almost gave in to everything. She almost placed her hand on top of Joey's. She almost gave the first smile of the day. She almost cracked. Almost.

"It's not." Charlie brushed Joey's hand off and moved over to the window, facing away. She put her hand to her head and cursed herself for almost giving in. She had to be strong. That was the only way to get rid of this entire situation.

I like men. Charlie told herself. This is ridiculous. I don't have feelings for Joey. I'm not a lesbian.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt Joey's presence behind her. She could feel how close she was and it made everything else seem inferior.

"You know… I never asked to fall in love with you. I never in a million years expected this to happen. But it did and I'm sorry, Charlie. I know you're confused and you want all of this to go away. I don't want to pressure you but Charlie… if there's nothing there tell me. Say you don't feel anything and I'll leave. I promise."

Charlie remained silent. She could tell her she feels nothing and things could go back to normal. She could see Hugo again and with Joey out of the picture, there may just be a chance something could happen.

"But there is something, isn't there? I know there is."

Charlie turned around. Joey was closer than she expected. She steadied eye contact and found herself unable to look away. Her eyes were deep and intense. She could get lost in them.

"Come on, Charlie…" Joey was pleading. She wished Charlie didn't make this so difficult. Joey slid her hand down Charlie's arm softly and then took her hand, holding it loosely so Charlie could resist if she wanted. Charlie swallowed hard. She wasn't meant to be feeling these things. She looked down and squeezed Joey's hand; their fingers interlocking.

"Charlie, tell me what you feel. Please…"

Charlie bit her lip. "I'm sorry I kissed you. It was a mistake… And I'm sorry I gave you false signals. This whole thing is a complete misunderstanding."

"You know that's not true." Joey felt Charlie's hand retract.

"It is. You should go."

"Charlie, don't do this…"

"I said go."

Joey took a step back. "I'm not giving up on this. I've never felt so strongly about anyone before. You're everything I could ask for. You make me happy, Charlie. Happier then I've been in a long time. Are you really going to throw away what we have because you're scared? Are you sure you're prepared to let me go because you're worried about what people are going to say or think? If that's the case then you're gutless."

Charlie looked away. She was gutless. Joey was right about everything. She didn't want people to talk. She didn't want to be judged. She knew the longer she denied her feelings, the harder it was going to be.

Joey waited a moment before leaving the room. Charlie collapsed on the bed, a tear escaping and trickling down her cheek. She was glad Ruby was staying over at Annie's tonight as she didn't want her to sense something was wrong. She didn't feel like being interrogated. She just wanted to switch off. She wanted to switch off everything.