My beloved Cedric,

Two months have passed since the last time I saw you. I was tainted with sadness over the whole summer and I do not think that I will ever be able to laugh again without you by my side. Why is life so cruel and took you away from me? I still cannot believe that I will never see your handsome face again. Of course I remember every line, but that is not the same.

It is not fair that you are leaving me behind. Why did you have to take part in that tournament? Why did you have to die and Potter is alive? How can you do that to me after you promised that you would never leave me alone? I feel so lost, Cedric. Why are you not here to show me the right way? How shall I shoulder the weight of your death?

I have needed such a long time just to think about the word.

The other day I went to Ottery St. Catchpole to visit your grave. Something I still cannot realise and I would love if I could deny its existence. Somehow I wished that I would not found a stone with your name on it and that you would finally jump out of nowhere to tell me that this is all a bad joke. But instead I had to watch your father crying like a baby and what hurt me most was that I could not go to him and tell him that I love you.

He does not know about us and I will never tell anyone how much I love you. I do not want that everybody thinks I am a liar if I say that we have been together. I could not bear that. Besides no one would want to hear that you liked a boy, right? They are all consoling Chang like she was the one who spent so much time with you. Just because she went to the Yule Ball with you they had taken her down to the lake and because of that she had to be your girlfriend.

Once more I am jealous and this time that is everything what is left for me. I miss you, Cedric. But I cannot love you anymore. I mean, you are not here. How could I love someone, who is not… No. I detest myself that I even thought about not loving you. I will always love you more than anything in the world.

The world seems so cold without you. I feel like the man my father always wanted me to be. Like every emotion has been sucked out of me. I do not think that I can stand this life without you and if I had the courage I would follow you, but I am scared. And I know that you would not want that…

But are you not missing me? You love me, Cedric. You would be glad if I end this stupid life and come to you, right? You said that you are waiting for me to join you on our cloud. I know that I am only safe in your arms and tonight I will be okay. Nothing will be senseless anymore if I am close to you again. At the moment I know nothing but sorrow, except that I love you and that I want to be with you. So I will…

Do you remember our first and only night together? I can still feel your touch, the weight and heat of your body… When I close my eyes and think about the passionate kisses we shared I almost feel better. But as soon as I am drawn back to reality the truth slams into me. I will never be able to wake up next to you again and stroke the soft hair out of your face.

But I still remember the way you looked at me. Your grey eyes, usually so friendly, but then dark with passion and still I felt so loved. I cannot believe that I will never be able to hold you again like I did that night. Yes, I know that you were holding me more than vice versa, but that felt good, too. Everything I ever did with you felt right. How shall I ever do anything again without you by my side? Nothing will go right ever again…

Your love made me the happiest and unhappiest in my life, which has already ended. I do not have to do that. I deserve punishment. I deserve to stay here and wait for the day on that I will finally see you again. I am writing you a letter because our relationship started with one. It was the best idea in my life to send it.

This was how it began and so it shall end.

Farewell,

~Draco