Files Of The Criminally Insane.

Disclaimer: Invader Zim belongs to Jhonen Vasquez, if I own the rights to the show, ya think I be wasting my time posting my twisted ideas on the internet?

Obviously not.

Synopsys: Zim, Dib and Gaz have something in common, they all have committed a crime at least "twice" see their rap sheets if you dare, WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Author's Notes: Yes a new story from yours truly, whoop-pe-doo, heh I just couldn't resist, the idea came to me out of nowhere and BEGGED to be written, plus you all have to admit, it's kind of typical for a few Jhonen's creations to have some sort of mental illness, just look at Johnny C, he had committed murder more times than Jack The Ripper ever did… I think.

But then again he could easily be "innocent" due to his questionable sanity… same goes to Zim, thought obviously the little alien has (sometimes) full control over his actions so technically he is MILDLY insane.

So uh yeah. this CAN be considered quite a funny or deranged piece of work, the decision is ultimately up to you.

… So … Just enjoy.

Earth: Year 2134:

Three control brains opened their artificial eyes and narrowed them in frustration.

"What do you want?" They all thundered at the same time, the Irken before them not showing the slightest bit of fear, having been in front of these intimidating machines one too many times

"I think you all know" The alien snapped hotly "Making sure history doesn't repeat itself"

The control brain in the middle raised a would be eyebrow at the insignificant being "And what makes you believe that something bad is gonna happen again?"

The Irken who walked closer to the ominous robots, revealed himself to be one of the advisors of the Tallest, due to his PAK being attached to his chest instead of his back.

"Well I been spying on a couple of characters that I don't trust".

"Maybe you're just paranoid" The second control brain retorted.

"And maybe you are malfunctioning" The advisor snapped back, smirking, always enjoying that he could push their buttons in the most literal of ways.

"I would wipe that facial expression from your face Advisor" The final brain ordered "Just because you serve the Tallest and are protected by his wishes doesn't mean we cant find some way to convict and erase you"

The Irken didn't even flinch at the threat, he keep smirking and even had the nerve to hum a little tune he had heard from the slaves on Earth... it was the tune of pop goes the weasel apparently, he never understood why the song had such a name, no weasels actually "popped" but then again, humans are generally weird.

"Listen, I do this for the safety of the Tallest not my own so if you help me great, if not then its also great… remember, I'm still an experienced hacker".

The brains narrowed their eyes in contempt "Don't push your luck Advisor Stink"

Yes, the advisor was former Invader Stink, he had been the second invader to complete his mission on Planet Kiro, home of the floating cones and particular a favorite of the former Tallest, he had risen from the ranks of the military to politics in a matter of years but many secretly agreed it was because of his increase in height.

"Well then are ya gonna gimme what I want or not?" He asked impatiently.

"It depends"

The alien raised an invisible eyebrow skeptically "On what?"

"On the grounds that if we agree to give you the wanted information that it will be kept confidential" The brain on the left responded stoically "Not even the Tallest can see it"

Stink was shocked "Your bluffing."

"No we are not"

"But I thought the almighty Tallest had acess to all files in Irken history"

"That normally would be the case but you see… during the reign of the former Tallest Red and Purple certain files cannot be seen by anyone but the original party of the operation Impending Doom II, which of course you took a part in"

"I see"

"So the current Tallest which was not an Invader or a soldier or even a part of the engineering crew cannot see what information you seek"

"But why?" Stink couldn't help but ask "What possible damage could give by knowing a bit of information?"

"Knowledge is power advisor Stink" The main brain said wisely "We don't exactly trust the Tallest… there is something about her that is to look out for"

"But you trust me?"

The brains shrugged "Not really"

"Should have seen that one coming" The alien thought bitterly.

"Tallest Tak is yet to be decipher, she has some unorthodox but effective methods to rule the empire, yet she SEEMS to be missing a few screws on her PAK"

"Do you think there is a motive as to why she decided to mark Earth for Operation Impending Doom III?"

"Yes"

"Care to tell me?" Stink asked intrigued, as far as he was concerned the planet had nothing of value for the Irken race so he failed to see why it had to be conquered and enslaved.

"Pride"

"Come again?"

"Pride" The brains repeated "You see… well you are obviously aware how this planet was discovered"

"Yes" Stink replied "It was because some… oh no way this had to do with Zim?!"

"Precisely"

Stink had a headache now.

"In a way this seems fitting since Zim is part of the information you want, umm?"

The advisor did not miss the amusement in the brain's mechanical voice.

Just when he thought he couldn't despise the defective idiot even more.

"Just gimme what I came in here for"

"Access Granted" They all said "Keep in mind, you did ask"

He scowled at them.

The control brains changed colors information being processed at the speed of light, then a mechanical tentacle emerged and attached itself to the PAK of their most frequent nuisance.

Information... brings fear… cool huh?

Stink shut his red orbs, twitching uncontrollably at what his artificial and meat brains were being fed with… in reality, he wanted to know one simply thing.

"When is Foodcourtia gonna be open?"

Instead the brains had misinterpreted what he actually wanted to know, since the food planet was an important thing for the Empire, he obviously desired to make sure that the Foodening was not gonna be delayed again.

… Instead the brains believed he wanted to know information of Irk's most hated criminals and their records.

Maybe they really were malfunctioning.

Invader Zim… The following are his most heinous felonies… first as a smeet then as an adult… in no particular order.

His first crime was on the day he was born… the day was Known as Horrible Painful Overload Day Part I, the Irken menace known as the idiotic Zim caused a major blackout that caused Irk to be put into darkness for five years.

Stink punched the air pretending it was Zim right in front of him.

His second crime was when he was ten years old, by causing the dreadful Horrible Painful Overload day Part II… four more years of darkness for Irk.

He is also charged with murder on first and second degree by terminating former Tallest Miyuki and Tallest Spork and adding to the whole killing thing he is also charged with genocide, ending the lives of hundreds of Irkens and Vortians on Vort research station number 9 by creating that disgusting… huge blob creature…monster…thing.

.. Thought those murdered were replaceable.

Stink couldn't help but think that these machines were either indifferent or deranged.

… Probably deranged.

They continued to number the crimes like you were talking about the weather.

Zim caused yet another blackout on planet Devastis though not as powerful as the others considering he on killed the power on half the planet, thought he also ruined the evaluations of many prominent soldiers and many files had gotten erased, the half that suffered had to retake their tests and the scientists that were showing their inventions at the time were either fired or killed for failure to impress the military.

Many lives were ruined that day.

"Unbelievable"

Zim was also responsible for delaying Operation Impending Doom I by a decade and ultimately ruining the first attempt at galactic conquest by destroying half of Irk… blowing up over ten thousand soldiers and the original Invaders.

In all the murder degrees imaginable

The advisor shuddered to know how that happened but knowing the defective murder and mayhem was a knack for him.

He ruined his own trial by toying with an experimental plasma tank.

"Of course" Stink thought with disdain.

Quitting his exile on Foodcourtia which in the good old days of Miyuki would have been instantly given the "erased" penalty.

Stink gasp in shock "Aw come on."

Zim had the best luck in the universe.

Refusing to die which ironically became a crime after the Tallest Red and Purple became frustrated with the little defective.

Asking for a functional SIR Unit that would have gotten destroyed somehow

Saving a planet that was NOT our own.

Stink was baffled "Huh?"

"Irkens cannot save a planet unless they are under the empire's control" The brains clarified.

"Oh… wow"

"Prevented the Planet Jackers from doing their job" They continued.

Blew up a perfectly good Megadoomer and NOT getting killed in the process

Constantly annoying the Tallest with his calls about Earth.

"That's a felony?"

"It could be one" The brains shrugged.

"Okkkkkkkkkkkk"

"Destroying a bit of the Armada on Blorch with a insanely huge vessel"

"I remember that!"

"Taking control of the Massive which was both an act of endangerment as he almost terminated the lives of the Tallest Red and Purple as well as kidnapping them, in turn also embarrassing our former leaders in front of the resistance which in turned spared their miserable excuse of an existence when the Massive was about to destroy them."

It amazed Stink that the maggot had not gotten any sort of punishment for THAT.

"Stalking"

"Huh… wait what?!"

"Stalking" The brains repeated. "Are you deaf boy?"

"Bite me"

"As we were pulling information into you before we were rudely interrupted, Zim the defective Irken was also charged with treachery... thought that can be arguable since he was labeled a traitor since the day he was activated".

Stink simple nodded "He was a monster".

"Frustrating a really cool plan to turn a useless world into a snack place"

"Failure to be deactivated and to continuing to exist"

"So many hopes and dreams were crushed at seeing THAT happen" Stink recalled viciously.

"Creating a deranged mechanical blob monster thing with a huge beard and big scary teeth that causes havoc in the universe which sole purpose is to cause more havoc on the Earth."

The tentacle released Stink and unceremoniously dropped him to the ground.

"OUCH" He wined and rubbed his sore ass "What that really necessary?!"

"Yes" The brains responded emotionlesly.

The Irken glared daggers at them "So is that all Zim ever did wrong?"

"Not really, we are sure he has committed a lot of those vile and creepy stuff but we don't wanna know"

"And yet you had to problem feeding something I DIDN'T WANNA KNOW?"

If the ominous machines had mouths they would be smirking

"Well breaks over now to go with criminal two!"

Stink's eyes widened three times their normal size "WHAT?!"

The tentacle appeared again and attached itself to the advisor's PAK.

Second most wanted criminal: The Human Dib."

"My head hurts" Stink groaned. "Like a lot."

Add evil laugh here, heh yes I was a jerk to Invader Stink, heh originally I intended to use Skoodge as an advisor but then I remembered that he wouldn't have received such a prestigious job due to his short height so ultimately I decided to use an Invader that had almost no screen time on the show, so many were on the list of the prominent "main character" and the list narrowed down to two Irkens which were Invader Stink and Invader Sneakyoonfota.

But the latter's name seemed to long and I'm too lazy to write it so often so Stink became the winner but in retrospect he is the loser since I'm gonna continue to torture him through chapter two and three.

Ya see I'm gonna go all canon on Dib and Gaz, they both have a history of at least committing a felony or two in the show's run, Dib more than Gaz which is rather ironic considering our favorite scary girl has the power to do things intentionally while Dib just gets the short end of the stick, LOL.

Oh and before I forget I'm gonna go with the idea that the show takes place in the future rather than being an Alternative Universe, it just seemes to work better so it would explain the date and why Dib and Gaz aren't dead.

Well please review, umm?

Criticism is accepted.

Invader Johnny Signing Off.